sometimes i wish i was alone.
completely and utterly alone.
i wish i didn't have to worry about anyone or anything.
i want to be in charge of my own life.
as awful as it might sound i dont want to have a family.
i want to do what i want, when i want.
it seems nice, ya know?
not having to worry or fend for anyone but yourself?
no need to worry about grades because your parents wont yell at you.
i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted.
i have this dumb fantasy...
that one day i will be in a cafe, snow falling outside.
i would be sitting at a little table, drinking a cup of tea, reading a book.
and a cute boy will come up to me and we would just start talking.
no worries, no family, just us, no one else.
i know, its dumb, but its just my mind.
i guess id like to imagine that if i didn't have a family i could do all of this.
its just that sometimes the people we really love are the ones who hold us back the most.
and im tired of being held back, im tired of living my ordinary life.
i hate watching these tv shows because it makes me sad.
all of these people have such interesting lives.
being bit by a wolf, dating someone who your parents disapprove of, going off to magical lands where you never grow up, shrinking to the size of a mouse, fighting bad guys and saving mankind...  
it just seems like a live a normal life.
nothing ever happens and i feel like its because of my family.
they hold me back and prevent me from having fun, or seeking out adventure.
i want to live the life i want to live.
so im going to do dumb things, make mistakes, read, write, drink, go to parties and live my life. because im sick of people telling my how to live my life.

endlessness terrifies me
my chest swells and my heart flutters to think of it
a cold cold ocean blue like night filled to the brim with nothing
a long dark void both hot and cold. dead stars and dizzying dances full of forever


but you and your smile and your mind are endless
and I am not afraid at all
you are bioluminescent and there are stars trapped under your skin
(you have no antidote)

I wasnt always good with words
until I learn they can be manipulated
stripped of its meaning
treated
reworded and planted as if sod
sound the same
rebuilt like a cars: thesauruses are essentially junk yards
they allow you to play tennis with your mind
they can replace signs
are intimidated by the weak and rejoiced by the blind
and,
and
in the end
I  know words can do more than just rhyme
they chime in during chimes and relate simple parking tickets to fines
politicians use them as smoke screen
with word
I can
metaphorically call them ninja’s
the way they evade questions and attack with their sharp tongues
so i won
well
winning the battle with words, just know i can curse you out now without saying a curse

i know what newton tells us

i know countries and continents and cities

i know the planets and their moons

but i did not know the galaxy of my body the planets that are my organs or the nebula of my mind
until you showed me

you taught me and showed me and led me with course hands and eyes deeper than any space i have ever traveled.  you caught me in your gravity when you showed me ribosomes and platelets and when you traced my veins like they were a map you needed to follow without even knowing where it would take you. you told me the cosmos are forever but the body dies and that is far more beautiful than any atmosphere or supernova. i want to chart the stars on your skin with my mouth and i want to show you the taste of an atom and i want to teach you what overexposure to your radiation does to me but you are already laughing and telling me that something as small as you does not deserve the attention of the universe.

when i said i wish i had never met you

i told the truth

the universe was easier to comprehend

when it was only dead stars

instead of the way you look at me

As I sit down to type these words, there is nothing more that I want to write about than you. You clog every pore in my face, every inch of my mind, every cell of blood that runs in my veins is tainted by the thought of your voice saying my name. However, I do not wish to write about how your eyes burn through my flesh and seep into my bones. I want to write about something real, something raw. Something that is not just a lonely desire I carry. I want to write about. . . you. Its always been you, this stupid lust, this first love. I want to write about how I take the looks you throw my way and hoard them in a crystal box, that no one will ever open because I am the holder of the key. And I know this isn't fair for you because it is not my box to keep, you’re eyes are not meant for me. . .I want to write about heartache and longing for your arms around me. I want you to know that I want you to be happy. I’ll write you letters everyday if I need to. But I will not send them, for I know you will think it’s strange that a girl like me is so infatuated by a boy like you. But it doesn't matter because even though you are broken, I want you. Not so I can fix you or try to heal you. I want to feel your pain with you, so that when you feel like you are drowning, you will know that you’re not alone. . .I want to write silly metaphors that only a young naive girl could come up with, that are so cliche it hurts. But it won’t matter because I can feel your hand in mine and the earth underneath my feet. And when I inhale the air around me, I know it is your exhale that is being sucked through my empty lungs. . .I don’t want to write a love poem, but when I think of you, it’s all there seems to be.

The paint on the walls have started to melt
dragging all the the colors I painted, down.
Drooping like my body in this heat.
The weatherman informs me of no change anytime soon.
As the summer creeps up from behind
and kisses my winter body.
Leaving me in a shock of goosebumps.
This feels so un natural
in the heat you made me feel.

My heart jumped at the sound of your voice
and flew at the hope of your sight.
Now it falls like an anchor entering the sea
hitting harder than the sand ever felt.
Everything jumped down
hoping to catch it.

We danced to many serenades
in the colorful ballroom of day dreams.
The queen of the night, you are.

Now the old wallpaper screeches
with high pitched misguides.
I had no intention of them revealing themselves so soon.

Based on a thought
will be the death of me.

Take my hand and come with me.
My sun could light your storm
and your storm would cool my sun.

You always wanted me to write,
but the mind just couldn't find the time.
I couldn't stop if I wanted.
I'm completely flooded.
If I don't get them out I will explode,
or maybe implode.
I haven't had the guts to find out.
Though the metaphors cheap,
And the similes worse
I never want to stop.
I’m completely in love with the release.
My words are back
They’re not the perfect words,
And they won’t bring you back.
But they’re mine all mine.
I’ve missed them so much.

Testing, testing, 1. . . 2 . . .3
And now you're gone.
So taken back I couldn't speak

s
      

                                            i                                                  l
       e                                                     n

c

e

I now regret.
I heard you cry.
Bawling feely in your pain
While I sat confounded in the theater room
I couldn't think
But a kind jester came to mind.
"Don't forget your favorite blanket my love,"
For sleeping, and for comfort.
You were sitting on the bathroom floor
and I had just made you cry harder.
My kind jester was given back to me.
I wanted to offer you my entire life.
I wanted to give you comfort
and help to sleep at night.
I wanted you to have trinkets
So you wouldn't forget all my memories.
I knew you well enough to know,
You'd grab what you thought you’d need.
So I took a walk to get away.
and allow your parents to help you.
I knew you didn't want to do this all alone.
I thought I knew why but I just couldn't find
The strength to go and help you.
I wondered so many times,
why you didn't take more,
anything to remember me by.
I thought I was so important.
I've always been so selfish.
Sometimes I wonder
If you really kept your wedding set.
Not many do after divorce.
I really hope you do.
It's no longer a symbols
Of our eternal love.
More of just a reminder
That there was good amongst the rough.

an extremely emotional moment I will have try writing about it again this just leaves me lacking