I see your face
but you are not
connecting
All communication
has gone
Your friends make
harsh comments
You trod on heavy
ground ....
traveling around lightly
Not a care in the world
Ruthlessly you are hunted
down...
But you have forgotten your roots
wasting away you plunge deeper
into darkness
you are lost .....

Stating the Obvious
He rarely smiled.
He does not listen to me when I talk.
He thinks I'm being vapid when I tell him about my day,
When I just wanted someone to share it with. Anyone at all.

He does not make time for me,
unless I have money to spend
He insists I'm hurting his feelings.
He's always saying goodbye to me,
And calling me emotional,
When I complain.

He looks me in the eye for ten years,
yet I din't know the color of his eyes
He avoids my gaze.
I flinch at his touch.
He becomes irritated at my questions,
When I just want to know him.
That is all.

It is because,
He likes someone.
Who is not me.

So don't ask me,
Why I don't say hi when I get home.
Why I refuse to answer your questions.
Why I didn't greet you on your birthday.

It is because,
I like someone.
Who is not you.

I don't know what I want
I'm so indecisive
Do I want you or not?
I go from having butterflies in my tummy
To completely shutting down and shutting you out
I have to make up my mind
I know you can't wait forever
But I'm a mess when it comes to things like this
I'm sorry for causing so much stress for the both of us
But my brain is playing this never ending ping pong game
It's like I get what I want then decide I don't need it anymore
I know I'm gonna end up hurting you
So I should just end this now while I can
My only problem though, is that I don't want to

Hey brother can you spare a buck
I wouldn't give a fuck
But you see I'm down to my last cigarette
Now I ain't got no legs
And I don't give a damn
Lost them in Afghanistan
And Uncle Sam....he don't give a damn
One way or the other
But that's the way my luck
Has  always ran
Hey Brother can you spare a buck
I'm down to my last cigarette
And that's all I give a shit about
You can walk on by
You can turn your eyes
It won't make me cry
I've fought stronger men than you
But hey Brother can you spare a buck
I'd like some more smokes
To get me through
Hey Brother nice shoes
Got a cigarette?

Truth - That trifling curse.
Once you ignore it, it goes,
When you believe it, it shows,
You the soul of the being,
That stands before you.
You are capable of seeing,
The person that IS true,
To you and only you,
And to deny the truth shining through,
You risk the need to start anew.

But what are you to do?
Run Away?
Swim the ocean, blue?
Say adieu to the truth?
Destroy all that grew between us two,
Until all is burnt,
And I’m left clawing at the rubble,
Searching for you...

And you accrue some new friends,
Some straight up ‘true’ friends,
That will never try and unleash the real you,
That will only make you do what they do,
That will ‘cheer up’, cover up and conceal you,
That will always restrain, contain and enslave you,

That will always...That will never...truly...love you...
Not the way I do...

I love the real you - The face behind that mask.
None will ever take up the task of,
Reversing all the hurt you felt and allowing you to FLY FREE.

The task is too difficult, and it is plain for all to see,
Because first YOU must open up to the possibility,
That someone can love you for who you really are!
Not just the bits that you let them see.
You can’t believe that this is the happiest you can be

There IS more out there.
More to like.
More to love.
More to FEEL.

But it’s hard to feel when you hide inside a shell of yourself.

I tried to make you happy,
But obviously I can’t. I was foolish to try.
Only you can make you happy - by being your true self,

Then...if you want...please...be true to me...

April 2013

Were you always a killer,
commendable, expendable
secret agent girl?
Were you always a dancer, entrancer,
Irene Adler, romancer,
secret agent girl?
Were you smart or kind of heart,
lover of art, playing your part.
secret agent girl?
Were you feared or revered,
a pioneer of weird,
secret agent girl?
Were you a dream, beauty supreme,
eyes all agleam, more than you seemed,
secret agent girl?
Who lost you, tossed you
and at what cost due,
secret agent girl?

When did they rob you of your glory,
rewrite author, title, story,
secret agent girl?
Where did they take you, break you,
make you into something new,
secret agent girl?
Are you Cold War fossil lost in time,
too young to be old, past no prime,
secret agent girl?
Beneath the earth, above the sky,
not allowed to cry, to die, are you,
secret agent girl?
Who were you before your halo cracked,
before the fact, your devil's pact,
secret agent girl?
I'll kiss you, miss you,
this bliss is amiss,
secret agent girl.
It's time to go, leave me alone,
you broken hero,
secret agent girl.

for a moment, the word stops breathing,
your heart quits pumping and bleeding in the
only healthy way it knows how.
there is silence—and then there isn’t, not anymore,
the sky is shattered by lightning and your
pulse jumps with every rumble, your body flinches with
every roar and the sky is turning far darker than it was a minute before,
the wind is like a turbine, going round and round and round,
tearing, ripping, and seething, you can see the clouds descending,
you’ve been through this time and again and you know the power
this twirling cloud will be rendering, you should be inside,
you can hear Mike Morgan yelling over the static of your TV
“prepare yourselves for the damage this will bring!
hide under mattresses, bathtubs, if you must under the kitchen sink!”
it’s coming your way, it’s picking up speed and you try not to imagine
what has made up the debris, you come to your senses,
realize it’s real, accept the fact that it’s not a drill, you grab who you can,
you shove them down stairs, you start counting heads and start saying prayers,
the cellar is dusty, you choke for clean air but it’s howling outside
and you know you won’t find any out there, metal is screeching,
someone is screaming, sirens are bleating out to anyone who cares,
it takes three men alone to make sure the door doesn’t tear off it’s hinges
in the height of the scare—and suddenly it’s over, you can’t here anything from anywhere.
the world again stands still, but it isn’t holding it’s breath,
it’s watching a thousand electric sparks die a last death.
you push against the doors, you need to breathe better air
and you can hear someone telling you that you need to take care,
but you push and you shove and you break free of your prison,
you climb out to see how your world has faired,
but there isn’t
anything
there

my journal consists of:
tears
laughter
silly jokes
poetry
song lyrics
death
comics
drawings
love
flowers
nail polish
music
crumpled up to-do lists
love letters
names written in cursive
photos
thoughts;
you know that.
but what you don't know is that
it consists of:
tears from crying over you
laughter over all the good times we've had
dirty jokes because they mean more to me than you think
poetry about the way you make my lips quiver
song lyrics about how many times i've fell for you
death because i know i'll never win your heart
comics of how we'd become a couple
drawings of how beautiful you are
love (silly you, always knowing the way to my heart)
flowers because you smell like fresh ones
nail polish reminds me of the time i did your nails and i broke a glass vase somehow
music because you taught me the importance of it
crumpled up to-do lists because you always seemed to be on the top
love letters that i'll never show you
names written in cursive (obviously yours)
photos of us that will forever remain in my heart
thoughts about you;
youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou
you
you
you're always on my mind and
i can't get you out.

He said, “Baby, I love you,
but I have to leave,
the show must go on”
I told him, “Honey, you don’t love me
’cause love doesn’t wait,
when you have it in the palm of your hand,
it becomes home,
and you don’t throw a home away
because you don’t have time;
you destroy it by your choice.”
The funny thing is when you love someone,
you’d sacrifice anything and everything
just to make it work,
but we get caught up in fear
that we refocus on the things within our control
submerge ourselves in the faith that we’ll make it through,
we run when we should fight.