How long can your legs quake, your body shake, before your heart breaks?
How many times do you have to be knocked down before you can't pick yourself off the ground?
How much taunting and teasing does one have to do before it finally kills you?
Imagine being born into a family that loves you very much.
They work hard to provide for you and give you what you want.
Your mom works two jobs to provide for your basic needs.
Your dad works too, works 24/7, to make sure you get food to eat.
There's no money for toys or fancy clothes, but that's okay with you.
You still manage to smile, happy as always, doing what you love to do.
Now imagine being judged, taunted, ridiculed, insulted; for enjoying the little you have.
By someone who's rich with everything they want, but who's also incredibly sad.
And this sadness inside has messed with their head, it's not fair that you get to smile.
She is rich, she has so much money, but she secretly hates her life.
Imagine this person has made it their job to bring down your mood.
Imagine this person, knowing you're poor, always spits in your food.
Imagine this person, wearing their fancy clothes, throws you in the trash.
Imagine this person, that you don't even know, has made being alive sad.
You used to smile everyday, thanked your parents for what you had.
You never cared about the clothes you wore, you never thought you looked bad.
But this one kid who was upset with their life, took out their anger on you.
The words she said and the things she did had changed your point of view,
On life. You hated it, now you just wanted to die.
The pain she's caused is so immense you now longer loved your life.
That person who decided to ruin your life, to make life seem more "right".
Now that you have lost your joy she can finally sleep at night.
She's stolen your smile, killed you inside and she knows she's caused you pain.
But see, she thinks she was wronging some rights, so she is finally sane.
But you, you've lost all will to live. It'd be better if you were dead.
And so that's constantly in your thoughts, would people be happier instead?
You don't wanna believe it'll help anyone, what would your parents do?
They'd no longer have to work all night, cause no you means more food.
No you means more money, they can finally be at peace.
I would have never imagined that my parents would be better off without me.
It's 4 in the morning and I am awake, writing my parents a note.
I've told them I love them and because of that, its time for me to go.
I'll be gone forever, there's no bringing me back, as I will have bled to death.
You can find my body, drowned in the tub, clear water that would have turned red.
So she walks to the tub and fills it up, takes her clothes off and slips inside.
She tells herself, this suffering will end. Finally I can die.
And so she grabs the blade, closes her eyes and places it on her skin.
Drags it across, lets out a quiet sigh and lets herself sink in.
But I'd wonder what comment could be so bad, you would feel you're better dead than alive.
What was said to her, that made her lose her will to survive.
Was it the person who judged her for what she wore?
Was it the harassment she faced for being poor?
Was it the comment about her unwashed dress or was it the ripped shoes?
Was it her being told she would always be poor or was if the spitting in the food?
It shouldn't even matter what insult was said.
Her being happy and poor doesn't mean she deserved to be dead.
"Don't judge a book by its cover", it also means by class.
Being of a lower class shouldn't result in being harassed.
It's not something anyone chooses, so be careful what you say.
Cause once its said, it can't be forgotten and someone's life might be taken away.
A dark dark blue overcomes gazing sight,
As a blue, tinge of black, blanket covering you,
Concealing all that's real, and it defeats all light,
To fend the soap of your skin,
And to blight the harmless lively solar sight.
It comes softly, the night,
A bitter cold to make things sweet,
The blue muddies deeper and deeper black,
It is overtaken by shade,
And makes all things dim in midnight gloom.
The fade comforts you though,
Relieving senses, melting worries, soothing temper,
And challenging thoughts edged in
A deep and mournful life:
A heretic, monster, evil to the world.
But lives, as yours, were
Just dirty grains of sand changed to glass
Neglected, and gone to last.
You'll never know the dark
As it has when it made you then: happy.
So please, take a step,
Make a move and love the darker hue,
Relax as the dark does for you,
Worry for the worried, but not your own,
That is for me and the dark to do.
Who are you suppose to be when your only fourteen?
Back when things were fuzzy
And we knew nothing
But you keep on breathing
Even if your not living
Good thing time has a way of changing things
I know you can tell I've been thinking
But I don't think you know that I'm sinking
And I couldn't give you a reason
Maybe it's just the season
I'm looking at you with red eyes
Trying to get away from the routine of life
Since it's so fleeting
And all they want is money
What happened to the meaning?
Born into a world
You have to pay for
We spend it trying to make a living
Then retire when your sixty
If you make it
And the blizzard
I'll never forget
How cold it could get
That icy snow froze me to the bone
I thought I would never see the sun again
Cause and effect manifest
Your conclusion has to be your very best
All I ever want to do is make you smile
I'm so sorry for bringing up a painful past
Writing is good for the heart, soul and mind
It helps to bring out feelings
That are way down deep inside
So dig deep when you think
And put those words onto paper
Writing about how you feel can release a lot of tension
That is bottled up inside and pull out all the stops
And write down every feeling and thought
Use whatever you have and carry around a tablet
When you have inkling then take
A pen, paper or use a computer
This helps to make things
That seems bad, not so unbearable
All Rights Reserved
Lost in times that were
Both very good and very bad
Memories of certain good friendly places
I have to recall quite frequently
To salvage any good times
Of reminisces from my youth
I can embellish some of it to make it
Sound interesting as that if I had
A perfect childhood or the perfect youth
Those memories that I've written about
And do so cherish, those in my family
Who did have it good, have never
Looked back on the days on the grandparents farm
When alone I went fishing, played with the kittens
Fed the cows, horses, chickens and slopped the hogs
I was alone, but I was able to explore, sometimes I
Got into trouble when I’d go too far but
I loved walking along the railroad tracks
Collecting old Edison Battery Oil bottles
And antique telegraph insulators that
Use to be on the electrical wires from
The poles above I guess being lonely
Made me what I am today because
All I do is spend my time writing
Stories, poems and trying to get the rest published
While others seem as they are lost in their
Own little world of their big houses
And cars, vacations and cruises
I guess its true the cards that we are dealt
We do what we do with what we are given
Most of all my memories are all written, preserved and saved
And no one today can take those good feelings from me away
All Rights Reserved
Please don't leave me alone with these thoughts in my head
The monsters are coming and they're telling me I should be dead
They force down the blade, they slice up my skin
They tell me I belong in hell, and I should pay for my sins
Humming sweet tunes of death, I can always hear them
No matter how hard I try to ignore their sounds of torment
These monsters in my head they're tearing me to shreds
I want them to stop, with every drop of red, the voices become softer
I can barely hear them now, but they'll be back full volume all too soon
As long as they're still here, my mind will only get darker
I just want the voices to stop, I don't want to hear what they have to say
I want to tear out my heart and cut off my ears, I want the pain to end
These voices in my head make me ashamed of who I am everyday
I'm thinking of ways I could silence them, maybe I'm better off dead
My soul and body are becoming vacant and empty
The only thing still inhabiting me are those voices in my mind
The quick stinging pain of a cut is dulling the screams, but just barely
I'm already empty inside so all that's left is finding a way to die
I bought a new razor, I have my pills and a tub of hot water
When suddenly I'm hit with a memory, a memory of you
That single thought saved me from the slaughter
You called me perfect, you made me feel beautiful
I remembered your smile, your eyes, how you looked at me
I know you're hurting too, I'm sorry, just know you're irreplaceable
I'm fighting my demons, I'm locking them up and you are the key
i regret keeping my eyes closed
every time you kissed me
and i regret falling asleep first
in your bedroom
i regret looking out the window
while you were driving
and i regret skipping songs
on your mixed tape
i regret the time i spent
tracing any line that
wasn't on your body
i regret every time
i laid my head on a pillow
when your chest was available
but most of all
i regret the time it took
for me to learn that
even the things that
make you feel infinite
can't possibly last forever
I never thought I'd have to see her like this so soon. So young. So cold.
I should have listened to her. I should have talked to her more. Seen her more. She always asked me why I seemed so distant from her, I always got frustrated and denied it.
Now she's the distant one.
We would argue often. About communication. Our feelings. Her feelings. She had a very hard life. A violent alcoholic father. She grew up untainted by her surroundings, but scarred. Chronic Anxiety and Depression. She would cry often, and get mad and angry for sometimes no reason. She said she didn't know why it happened; it just did, and that I couldn't understand. That made me angry. Even though she was right; I really couldn't.
I haven't had an easy life in the past few years, but it doesn't compare to hers. I didn't know what is was like to be as depressed as she was. To be as anxious as she was. She would always check up on me, because she always worried about me. I myself, just took it and never did it for her.
What a mistake.
I remember my 17th birthday. She was more excited than I was, and couldn't wait for me to finally see what she had done for me. She was adorable when she talked about it. I spent the day with her and she made me a homemade card themed my favorite video game, and a Key Lime pie from scratch. I love Key Lime pie.
How I wish we could make it together, one last time.
A couple days after my birthday, a package she ordered came and she was ecstatic for me to finally have it. They were custom made genuine dog tags. They had my information on one tag, and a personalized message from her on the other. Her message read, "KNOWING YOU HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND LOVING YOU HAS MADE MY WORLD." I wear them everywhere, even to today.
But when her birthday came around, I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. She was really upset, and I felt guilty when she mentioned it, so I never did get her anything; I felt it was too late.
Whenever she was happy, she shined brighter than the sun. She smiled and laughed and was goofy. She would make up little songs about how much she loved me, and she would do anything for me. Now, I can only imagine how she felt when I left for the night, not doing anything for her.
I knew she had had problems even before she met me. I knew she was chronically sad. I knew she had always been a rock, but had slowly started to erode and needed someone.
Why was I so selfish!?
I notice her mother is crying. Hysterically. They were so close. Her mom was so nice, always inviting me over and cooking for me even when they didn't have much food. Now, she looks like an empty husk of what she used to be. Crumpled on the floor, covered in her own tears, mourning the loss of her world.
Her younger brother sits with their dad, hugging and crying on each other, as well as the rest of her family. You can almost smell the saltiness in the air from all of the tears.
I've cried as much as I can. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn't want to believe she was gone. But eventually I screamed, bawled and raged at my loss. She was the only thing that mattered to me.
Now I stand here, silent and empty. My mind is numb, and all I can do is stare at her. Eyes closed, chest still, but still so beautiful. I had to battle with myself to even come and deal with seeing her like this. I finally move my stiff hand towards her curly hair and stroke it, and slowly move my hand to her shoulder. I imagine her opening her eyes and smiling at me with one of her beaming smiles. But I know it won't happen, and that's when the tears come.
I'll never see her smile, feel her lips against mine, hug her small body again. I can never hear her sweet voice again, telling me "I love you." With a glow in her eyes.
Why didn't I show her how much she meant to me? Why couldn't I swallow my pride and be a little more caring and thoughtful for her the way she never failed to be for me? Why? I'm sobbing now. I collapse to my knees and rest my hand over hers. She's freezing. I rub her hands instinctively as if it will warm them up, but it doesn't.
I just want her to wake up. I feel as if it's my fault she's in eternal silence now. Apart of the world beyond, when I want her so desperately to be back here with me. I don't want her to leave me. I feel as if I can't live without her, she was the only one I'd ever truly loved, but in the end I failed her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I should have shown her more instead of using only my words!
I slowly stand up still covered in my tears, and stare at her sleeping body. I watch as one drips down onto her expressionless face. I use my thumb to gently wipe my tear away, just as I used to wipe hers. Now all I can do is think about what could have been, what I could have done, and what will never be.
"I'll miss you." I whispering through my sore choked throat, and kiss her cold forehead.
"I love you."
As the days come and go, the memories stay the same. All at once they rush to my head, as if the pain had made it's nest in my mind.
Thoughts of it all comes to crush me, as if the world it self had given up on me.
Fear of failing, or of not amounting to the others requirements, forces me to do right by wronging others.
Dark thoughts to which I am a slave to the path chosen for me, not by me, but by my actions.
Wanting to make it all go away, but it's same as wishing for richness to all in the world.
They say "the world runs on money," which causes the most unminded of us to jump to the others neck, just obtain a piece of happiness. Some will go as far as to take another's life, just to reach what most of us consider as the ways of life.
My own thoughts have pushed me to do the most unworthy things to the ones who love me. The feelings which force me to be unfaithful to my soul. Leaving but an empty shell to roam the lands.
Ashamed to be in my own body. The thoughts of starting from scratch, and help others thinking as if, but it does not matter what face one puts on. The pain will forever remain within you, until your leaving day.