This is not a poem that you would enjoy, for it's structure, it's possibly pleasant, creative, invoking use of diction, or subject matter. Also, this is truly not me employing reverse-psychology in an attempt to draw you in. And that is not reverse-reverse-psychology or layered reverse-psychology, seriously.
It is simply an expression, a result, of myself experiencing a byronic attack, a selfish emotional embellishment, that may be constructive and help me recover from, and hopefully learn from, my particular human condition.
I do not expect or necessarily desire anyone to read this, but here I am, publishing it.
I am a passionate young individual, but this time I cannot be bothered to express myself metrically, or in a fashion usually regarded as poetic, as artful.
Nonetheless, I confess that I believe since it is different, then it is p'raps artful in it's own way, but it is still far from ideal to me,
And if I was not seized by such urgency to ride this byronic wave before it crashes, I would maybe take the time to write it in a fashion which aligns with the purposes of this website,
To share poetry, not literal messages, however heartfelt and true.
I am a passionate young individual, and I love to write, to sing, to play, to draw, to dance and experience all the arts and crafts of life, though I clearly prefer and am naturally talented at a few over all the rest
I wish to read so many books,
listen to so much music,
play so many games,
produce so much art,
spend time with so many friends,
learn so many skills and climb so many branches of knowledge,
to be healthy, fit, intelligent, informed and whole in this poisonous and yet wonderful modern world of possibility,
but I am finding it so difficult to juggle it all, to give it all the energy it deserves, to make such worthy things part of my experience and/or character. So difficult.
I care too much about too many facets of my experiences, I cannot encompass then all satisfactorily with my time.
This is entirely my fault.
Because I am a peerless procrastinator, a scatter-brained and hopeless dreamer, always living in dreams which swallow my desire and motivation to make them manifest.
The magnitude of my desires are unreasonable, but stubbornly I do not let them go.
Most of all, I cannot let go of my friends, the beautiful, brilliant, infuriating and so special people I find I have the privilege to know, I cannot let it become 'have known', despite the inevitable and healthy eventuality that they will traverse the earth. I must live the beauty of each one of them, and reciprocate, to develop something worth reciprocating, I must, I must.
I must do it all, or I must de-frag, re-organise, wise-up, simmer down, and just be kool with what is.
My philosophy includes many esoteric spiritual fancies, which if I practiced would make this quite possible, this childish problem vanish, null, void, I would stride towards mastery of this life, but I am so good at falling back on anguish, instead of beating the path I have discovered towards anything and everything I desire, noble or otherwise.
Bit of a cli'che, but this is so First World, so selfish, personal and esoteric. Bother this nonsense.
It is too late, I have not progressed far enough in my internal fancying quest to befriend and gain the favour of time, the wave is crashing, the passion running thin and foamy to be absorbed by so many grains of thought and feeling in the fleeting and seemingly linear stream of conscious experience, it is dissolved, no doubt only to build up, well up from beneath, again in the future. What crap.
This is not silly at all, but it is also very silly. The moment has passed, I am deflating back t'wards normalcy, societal tolerancy, acceptabe behaviourability, towards facetiouty it seems.
I so yearn to share this thing called passion with those dear friends of mine, completely, and I would do all that I must do,
I sometimes don't think it's so unreasonable, so unattainable, though p'raps it would just be too good to be true....would it?
Wish me luck.
Girl, it is a pity
That he has treated you so bad
He never really cared for you
It is no wonder why you are so sad
You really need to pick yourself up
You could come back to the light
Focus on doing better things
You need to make your world bright
It is horrible, to have such precious moments
and then return to the nothingness
(I rather do not return to the shore of tsunami's and
people screaming and black waves consuming me,)
( I'm afraid, I'm afraid)
To feel so much hapinness all at once-
leaving absolutely nothing behind
(I rather do not feel that empty, a blank mind and hollow eyes,
sharp razor drawing lines on a pale skin,)
(I'm afraid, I'm afraid)
I went from being at a terrible place,
to being in your arms
It has been the happiest and most warm I've felt in months
and for once, I can say
I found someone who makes me happy
You make me happy
and that, makes me terribly afraid.
Do you hear the sounds of music playing?
The tone and feel that keeps you swaying.
The recurring beat, the tapping feet,
The strings lusty, and the keys sweet.
Each style diverse in feeling and spirit,
Each sound distinct if you can hear it.
Yet they are all beautiful in unique ways
And may seem to place you in a daze.
A classical piece full of beauty and grace,
Violins, cellos, percussion, and bass,
An orchestra full of musicians and skill,
The audience moved yet sitting quite still.
The loud, and crazy, and pounding rock concert
Where all energy saved is brought to exert.
Guitar distortion and drums with power,
A crowd head-banging, hour after hour.
Rappers who speed like an antique auctioneer
Bring out the beats and rap with no fear.
Dance circles and moves are sure to form,
If hip-hop starts, the dancers swarm.
A small jazz band with smooth rhythm and time
Play the sounds of old and make us feel prime.
The trumpets, the snaps, the cool suede shoes,
All sights and sounds of the old-time blues.
Music holds joy and moves the soul,
Music is collective and is one and whole.
Though conflicting styles and motives may be,
Music was made for you and for me.
2nd place in St Mary's County Fair
yesterday i asked him for his favorite quote.
i wanted to make him something close to
his heart, something he could cherish and
love. something that he could fill up,
not only with the drink of his choice but with
his wisdom. knowing his lips will touch the rims
of my gift will be the closest i will ever get to the
full lips that brings my spirits higher than life itself.
he asked for another day to be able to think of a quote,
and i of course let him have it. after all, he has given me
all the days ahead of me. he deserved that much.
when i passed him in the hallway, he held out a paper and said,
"are you ready for it?" and i smiled, rushing down the hallway saying,
"yes yes thank you!" and i ran to the classroom to get my bag but then
i looked down to his messy handwriting that i find extremely adorable.
on the paper he wrote, "No one is born hating another person because
of the color of his skin, background, or religion. People must learn hate,
and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes
more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."
It was said by Nelson Mandela.
I smiled because I thought of how just yesterday I decided that
that same quote was my favorite as well.
I guess we do really have much in common.
I told him that I really loved this quote and I even thanked him.
How does one tell the man she loves that her human heart is feeling so much love for him?
When all of my words are said
and there's nothing left to say
from the long nights of decisions
neither of us were ready to face
or the early mornings i sat and thought
and tried to contemplate
whether or not I should end it
If the sunset had something else to say.
Should I just wait for the stars to convince me we're right
if i know the sun will convince me otherwise?
You held my hand
and gave me space
told me you'd wait if waiting
is something I'd fake
And I won't lie
I'll probably miss you every night
But by the time the sun comes up
and burns my eyes
I'll remember why I decided we aren't right.
Either way, I'll push what i want aside
because its not fair to you
that I can't make up my mind.
So I'll end it now
while I still can
tell you that I feel nothing
not even when you're squeezing my hand
And when the sun goes down
and all that I'm left with are the stars
I'll hold myself back from calling you
Because I've seen how this all ends
And I'm not ready to watch it begin
To my dear —,
It's been cold for the past few days,
it's been dark a little longer,
and the sun takes it's time to rise.
The days are now slowly changing,
summer to fall,
Fall to winter,
I can't help but notice that I too am changing with it.
My heart is slowly freezing over,
my thoughts stay dark a little longer
and I to take my time to rise in the mornings, because I know you won't be there.
Everyone tells me to move on, even you.
The hardest thing that I heard you say is
"I'm not your girl anymore".
It was like a knife to the heart.
I still care endlessly
and my heart still has the same love for you.
I sit far, far away, miles apart but yet
I hope you know you are never alone.
I keep watch over you,
that my guardian angel watches over you too.
You won't ever know that I was there,
checking up on you everyday,
for as far as you know... I truly disappeared.
I'm not gonna pretend that you're alone in the nights,
I know he's there.
You're probably hanging out and making nice
and he has the nerve to ask my girl to dance
and you'll say yes,
but in my head you were always mine
and that's how I'll remember you.
As mine and me as yours.
I won't let go,
even if you have,
I'll keep the faith for the both of us right now
and if you don't come back like you're supposed to, well then..
You may be out of sight,
out of my path now
but you are never out of my mind.
I'm a man of my word and for as long as I can,
I'll make sure you are safe and sound
give you the lights,
all the lights to guide you home.
melancholy souls encased
behind the glass of the faceless
they see in but not out
drowning in a introspective about-face
they never sit still
it gets so bright out here you can barely see
when the sunlight kisses the snow white
you haven't seen the last of me
wait until i creep into your dreams at night
and slowly make my way through your veins
meshing with your cells
i'll build a garden in your rib cage
and spend the night in your entrails
and in the end, if all else fails
i'll leave a lock of my hair safe in your heart
just know i've been digging holes in there from the start
when the city sleeps
and you're wide awake
the time grows deeper
when you've got no way to escape
the shadows all around you
dance and sing your name
in dysphoric shades of tones
he can't tell you what to do
with the feelings you've tried so hard to tame
forget that itch in your bones
it's time to go home.
They're still here
They won't go away
Ever night they come
Every night they hurt
The fucking nightmares
I know what they mean
I know what I must do
But I just can't
It would make me happy
But hurt too many people
Ill just suffer
To make them happy
I don't sleep
I don't eat
I put on a fake smile
To hide so much pain
Show a fake joy
To hide so much misery
Nobody would understand
So I keep it to myself
Hide it deep
But I claws its way out
It tears me apart
From the inside out
But I just push it deeper
But that just makes it angryer
But I can't hurt anybody
I can't tell them about it
It's to much
But I'll survive
Those 4 words that you say
Every time I try to walk away
Hurt more than I can explain.
Its like a knife to my heart
To know I caused you that much pain.
Am I really so bad
That I make you want to die?
I can't help the way I feel.
You say those words
'I want to die'
Because you know what it does to me.
You don't mean it.
I know you don't.
If you really truly meant it
You would have done it already.
And you wouldn't come running to me.
I'm not a part of your little game,
So please, oh please,
Stop putting my name to shame.
© Fully Copyrighted, all rights reserved. Rebekah Fleck.