Whose fingers dig peaches
when hungry lovers devour their
whose unsteady hearts expand
and shatter in porcelain palms
to scrape your teeth with ice,
with frosted tongues
against the small of your back
we roll eyes to
the backs of our heads at those
and when pulled apart eyelashes
stick to skin
after naps to slow the breathing,
whose raw skin-bare lips
taste best to kiss
blood and half-eaten daydreams
make you want to
stretch your mouth the widest,
to just have it all.
Don't stay in the background, get up and show your face
Cause in this crazy world, we all have our place
What makes sense to many
Doesn't make sense to all
Some are on the rise
Some are on the fall
With noon’s grim call, I rise too late.
Condensed sunlight through greys and slate.
Awake with a steadfast hunger for sleep,
to push out these pains that so make me weep.
Each day is rushed to a climax too soon,
like some alleyway lover, ‘neath the moon.
‘Neath the moon, I give into wine;
vessel over my wholesome Tyne.
It’s all I have, to numb this pain,
pattern my thoughts, order my brain.
And with self-disgust, I discuss the past,
self-talk: The only friendship built to last.
I think on us all, and what we have been,
a filtered film-still, or some beauty queen,
when life weren’t fair, but fortunes true,
when the sky still ran that azure blue,
love no more than a hungry kiss,
some manufactured teenage bliss.
And lo, I’ve no friend to confide my heart,
each pound of muscle to create my art,
each longing of longing for reader’s love,
and my origins with the stars above.
No, reader, my dear, you’re all that is left,
to align my soul, frequently bereft.
So, read not this page as poetry,
but of the union of you and me,
we sit in life so clumsily
and yet with poise, we love so endlessly.
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn't have to play with or be around me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing most my classes at school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
All my family made fun and they called me names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say whatever they pleased
They all knew my mother would not try to defend
Because she and my grandmother started the trend
Once I told my mother that I was happy about something
She said happiness was by me not deserved but a thumping
Mother was always mad at me since I never wanted any piano, ballet, or baton lessons
I had my own mind, and impressing other people in life was not one of my obsessions
Could never make my mother happy, she was always very angry
I use to hit myself, scratch my face because she drove me crazy
When I was ten got mother a gift at the five & dime for her one birthday
She tossed the gift in the garage, called it junk, said was best to throw away
On Christmas day, when I unwrapped a gift if I didn't act surprised in a certain way
She'd throw a fit, get drunk and make me feel guilty about things the rest of the day
I was always afraid of my mother, never knew
what she next to me that she would try to do
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
Never knew of anyone I could be close to, for a hug or some kind words
Things were always bad I needed encouragement for me to be heard
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
opportunity came when least expected
chose to pursue but now i think i regret it
thought it would make things better but i'm not sure if that's true
i'm still not quite ready to give up on you
hide your shakes,
know your place,
whatever you do
you'll be replaced.
dont show sadness,
hide your distress
dont make it known
hide your flaws,
but shut your jaw.
be model skinny
but not too much,
be what i want,
learn to rush.
dont be a prude,
damn sluts to hell,
fill my expectations,
hopeless, wont do well.
get a new last name.
what, we've lost her?
What a Shame.
On the brink of human desires
and the razors edge of humanity
lie the choices that we make.
Good, bad, evil, selfishness, greed and innocence.
What we do defines who we are.
And we are defined by the choices we make.
All we can do,
is believe that we are doing the right thing.
Peter A. Murnieks
March 17, 2007
Inspired by the movie: Crash (2004)
How do I love thee?........first four words of one of your favorite sonnets.
I could never stop counting the ways or comparing thee to a summer's day.
Te amo bebe....Je t'aime nebe.....Ich liebe dich, baby.....all languages = same.
No duress here.....I choose to live life on a maybe you will or wont love again.
No duress.......I choose to love you and that would be nobody's business.
Goto Nordies, Sharper Images, etc.......any of your favorites to shop.....my treat.
Time for annual meeting Mr. Frustration......Pls accept what I'm happy to buy.
Any other lady would be chomping at the bit, thrilled, I'm using no limits cards.
Big surprise for you my Pet.........hope you like and there's no need to ship it.
It's a little something I bought just for me and you with thoughts of our future.
Bought matching wheel chairs so we can ride off into the sunset to Gray land.
Ms. Betty Ponder, I adore and give you my heart.....I love you and always will.
If you choose to cast me aside.....history will most definitely repeat.......I go
alone to same place I went the last time you walked out of my life.....
I'll take our happy memories......scent of your body and your perfume.....
sound of your laughter and sexy voice forever recorded....visions of eyes...
gazing up at me in deep passion.......and abundant qualities that make
you my only unforgettable shorty and gorgeous Ms. Betty Ponder.
I'm not burning bridges, I'm cutting ties
You start with pity, and then you despise
But, it's only because you now realize
That this pack of white lies and alibis,
These stories by which you were tantalized
To no surprise were just fantasized
By a mind over-worked, projected through to cold, pale, eyes.
I'm your cherished childhood plaything, barely given a single thought
Toss me with the rest of your keepsakes in your souvenir box
Just a container filled with the memories of the days you smiled a lot
Used to make you laugh more than anything, now I'm just where you stash your pot.
You bet your ass I cared alot, I loved you twice, you loved me not
It's sad, but true, no more flowers grew
I hope next season something blooms for you
But, for now I've given all I got, I've grasped these stems until the petals rot
I'm digging up the roots I grew and movin' on to soil another plot
don't try to chase me
now that the pace is changing
from a crawl into a trot
please, stop lying
don't say you're trying
when you've barely given a shot
my silver tongue did shine so untrue
every time just so I could protect you
from the worries that would plague your mind if you knew
exactly what it is that I've gone through...
but here's what I plan to do:
Grab a cup, drink it up, soak up the Sunday news
The end is near, you're the last one here, what have you got to lose?
So, just fill your lungs and laugh all night long; put on your dancin' shoes
Play your last song it'll not be long before your soul walks out on you
I just close my eyes and let all pass by; begin to pay my dues
Time goes fast, so I took my chance, dancing with my devil's to the Pale Moonlight Blues.
I'm under cardiac arrest, tried two times couldn't pass the test
At least when I'm at worst I can't be any less
At best my brain is pained by songs of protest
And you can bet I did my best to forget
I went through solitary confinement, momentarily confident
I'm impressed I haven't dies yet, on the contrary, I despise it
Why do I kick myself for providing the ropes by which my hands are bound
When I should just strike out and bite the hands that tied it
it's time to go...
I bet a fiddle of gold you can't save your soul; can't solve a mystery if you don't have a clue
Try as you might, you won't win a single fight until you learn how to lose
Oh, you'll never know until you're on your own what it's like to have the Blues
I've been there before, I can't take a second more, that much I know is true
So, just close your eyes and kiss all goodbye; it's time to pay your dues
As time burns to ash, so does your final chance
To dance with your devils to the Pale Moonlight Blues
Don't you dare
give me that stare
act like you care
You don't have the right to pretend
that in the end
You like me for my hands
As much as you just wanted to fuck me.
So don't hold my hand and talk to me like this
don't try to make me believe in the magic that doesn't exist
that when we were together you felt genuine bliss
like in the vast moments when our hands intertwined
you ever wanted to be mine
or that you'd ever let me define
as anything more than a static rhythm and rhyme
as anything more than a business exchange
or a game
i give you my feelings and you don't feel the same
it's not too late you haven't placed your bet
on how many months it'll take for you to get to my bed
get inside my head
all of the time i wasted for you is over
all of the feelings i hid away
all of the breath you took away
as i waited for you to text me hey
you've made me numb
stand in the line of other guys who've given me some
taken me under angel wings and deceived me
but this time I see
I don't trust your magic arms anymore
your fantastical eyes don't take me hostage anymore
and the emptiness i felt after i was filled with you inside me
never to trust
someone who tries to hold your hands
when they can't hold your words
you're a mastermind magician
you've helped me stop belieivng in the magic
i know magic behind love
and i don't believe in magic anymore