1) If you change every ten minutes, that is okay. You do not have to be the same person every day in order to be real. You also do not have to continue spending time with anyone just because you are used to them. If they are not good to you, you can leave at any moment.
2) Gender is a jail cell. You do not have to wear the shackles if you do not want to. Be yourself. Do not be a slave to stereotypes, roles & limits. What you have in your pants should not make you more or less of anything you want to be.
3) Never let anyone dehumanize you based on how much sex you choose to have. "Sluts" do not exist. Love is free and you can take as much of it as you want. You are not less intelligent or less of anything just because you have sex more often than the person who is trying to tell you that you are inferior does.
4) Do not let anyone convince you that your feelings are not acceptable. Nothing you feel is a flaw. Depression is not a weakness. Happiness is not selfish. You do not have to be moved in the same way or have the same outlook as anyone else. You are not insane for having emotions and you should not have to hide them.
5) Be kind but stick up for yourself. You have a voice for a reason. You do not need to play dead when you are being hurt or feeling offended. Speak up. It is okay to dislike what is happening around you.
6) Addiction is painful and very real. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty or unworthy of help. Do not listen to anyone who says they do not feel sorry for you. Yes, you have the power to stop it but you still deserve support and sympathy whether you caused it or not. And not all addictions are chemical...
7) Your scars do not mean you are thirsty for attention. Self-harm is a real issue. Do not question your own feelings because of what anyone tells you your motives were. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you are willing to hurt yourself, something is very wrong. Get help. You deserve recovery.
8) Just because you are an artist does not mean you cannot fix your problems. Getting better will not make your work less powerful. Pain is not the only way to create beauty. Safety is more important and security can be gorgeous, too. You can be dynamic and okay inside at the same time. Plus, your memories will always be your's to talk about and look at even when happiness is reached.
9) You do not have to follow the structure and time line of life that has been mapped out for you since day one. You do not have to graduate high school. You do not have to go to college or be in the military. You do not have to get married. You do not have to have children. You do, however, have to do whatever it takes to survive and be happy. You should do whatever the fuck feels right to you.
10) You do not have to believe in a god or be part of a church to have faith. You can believe in yourself instead. The idea of karma should not be the deciding factor in all of your decisions. You should be kind on your own and if you make a choice that is not kind, you are not damned. Sometimes kindness is not possible and that is okay.
so many reasons to hate myself
make for so little time to sleep
silent Insomnia frequents my bedside
she echoes each secret I keep
the fears that lurk in my shadow
which plague my subconscious by light
crawl out from their filthy recesses
and haunt me to tears in the night
still, I cannot express aloud
these struggles, however grim,
because to gripe and moan
would not reflect well upon Him
I know I should be fearless
yet, I can't see how I could
but in this season of contradiction
maybe turmoil leads to Good
and if Good awaits me someday
then maybe Better does, as well
and if I trust in Best Of Bests
then Insecurity can go to Hell
so here's to persevering
even when tears cloud my eyes
and pressing on toward self-acceptance
through this heavy (but thinning) veil of lies.
Day two of my A Poem A Day project. Written 5/15/2013.
Five sweet memories,
before I can unwind my thoughts,
before I can calm the world,
And justify my afflictions,
The bullet that heals the wound,
Overly aware of my spine twisting on the crooked mattress,
Five. We’re sitting on the bench in his backyard.
I’m too nervous to move.
His words are rushing together in my mind,
but I nod gently anyway.
Gazing at the night sky as he unwinds his past to me.
He laughs, I laugh.
He lays his head on my shoulder,
letting his soft hair press against my neck.
I try to stop time,
Like a philosopher aching to solve the mysteries of human misery,
I have found pure truth and beauty,
but to no avail, time is a burdenous bitch
We are hiking in the desert.
We climb rock after rock, yet my joints feel nothing.
He points out the best footing for me, and despite being an avid hiker,
I follow along, pretending to be grateful for his instructions.
At the top of the cliff, we sit on smooth stones.
Lightning strikes in a far off storm. We ooh and ahh at each blast.
Flash. A glimpse of his eyes
Flash. His lips
I turn towards him and he turns to me. Our eyes light with each strike, but the stare holds.
And despite the flashes, we are cast in the darkness of our locked eyelids
Our locked lips
The lightning mixes with city lights and all is bright for a split-second
The numbness wears off, letting us realize the desert has become frigid.
We race down the mountain, returning to our normal selves.
Three. He hands me an old putter.
I laugh. He can’t be serious.
He pulls out another and begins stuffing golf balls into his pockets.
Shh, he whispers.
He grabs my hand and leads me behind the house.
We climb the fence and land ourselves on the 6th hole.
He pulls me onto the green and drops two balls.
Ladies first, he chides.
Little does he know, I’ve taken many golf lessons
I win the first round.
And the second.
He wins the third.
Two out of three, I declare.
He mumbles, what do you want?
I press my cheek to his, wrapping my arms around his waist.
Our lips touch.
It’s six o’clock on a Tuesday night.
I am tired from work, putting the finishing touches on my homemade pizza.
As I slide it into the oven, I hear the doorbell ring.
My brother calls my name.
I try to pace myself to the door, but I feel as if I’m doing a full out sprint.
I open the door.
Orange roses hide his face, and I am the happiest girl in the world.
One. The night is bittersweet.
We spoon on the couch, holding each other as tight as possible.
His soft stomach in the small of my back
I listen to his chest, trying to memorize the pattern.
I try to take in the small details.
But no, time has never been my friend, and soon we are standing by my car as I try not to cry.
He places his arms around me and pulls me in closer.
I know I should go.
I know this might make it worse, he stutters, but I love you.
And I love him.
And it’s over.
I am trying to fall asleep in a hot, cramped room,
knowing that for every thought I think of him,
I am 1,000 thoughts further from his mind.
For the first time ever, we twirl
Around on the dance floor
Tonight I’m finally a girl
In your eyes. And you, I realize, I adore.
We’ve been friends for so long
We never thought of each other as
Anything other than that. Is it so wrong
To tell you I like you or has
The moment passed me by?
I should tell you, but I can’t seem
To make out the words to say it, I’m shy
Around you for the first time.
As I stare into space
I try not to focus on the race
Of words coming from her mouth
For they make my eyes go south.
I feel myself slump in my chair
But close my eyes I do not dare.
I resist the temptation of rest,
And focus on my test.
Secrets To My Brother's Farm
"Before you run off to the chores,
I have a secret you must learn,"
And so the messages are passed
On how to operate this tractor or that truck,
Which I, the visitor, must discern.
"This tractor's clutch will soon go out,
Unless you heed these words,
Keep rpm just high enough, but not too much...
Idle her down before you slip the clutch."
"The key won't work in the old pickup,
Just pull up the knob there on the dash,
Then give the coat hanger wire a pull
until the engine fires...oh...did you check the tires?"
"Oh, while we're at it, see that old truck?
It doesn't like to start on the first try
So turn it over a couple times for luck
And then she'll start and never die."
"The air compressor switch is gone,
so plug it in to make it go, but first
Be sure to drain the tank, or it won't run,
The motor's tired and and has to have an easy start."
"The tires on the trailer need more air,
Especially the left one in the back,
Slow leak is all it is, but if it goes,
A newer tube's up on the rack."
"The loader's got a special wire
That you must clip to get the alternator charging,
(And if you ever do forget, the ire
You'll feel when the wires start to burning.")
"This cow's alright, but don't forget,
To feed her last in her own bunk;
She likes to fight, and we'll need the vet,
If others crowd her to a funk."
"Don't lean on that, or you'll get hurt;
I've meant all spring to nail it."
"The handle broke, so you have to get out
By rolling down the window."
"Watch out! The guard is off that thing;
It'll take your arm just quick!"
"Turn the key and let it spin, not once, but twice;
Then wait a second and she'll run."
"Be sure to shut the gas valve off,
Or it'll drain out on the ground."
"No brakes, so drive her carefully.
Keep it in a lower gear, and need be,
Hit something cheap."
"Two scoops only is the limit
You'll make her sick with more."
"Be sure to double-wire the gate;
The cattle will get out."
"We save the egg shells for the garden;
We never throw away what we could use."
So many secrets to remember,
I sure could use a list.
What I get when I suggest?
A look equivalent to a hiss.
In the fullness of night
I want to be your light.
The one that blazes the trail
For you to follow without fail.
I’ll hold your hand, and you mine
Until we make it out just fine.
Don’t look back, stay with me
Then we’ll always be
Together amidst the darkness.
I pushed you away from me
Knowing that I would ask myself
Why did I make such a horrible decision?
I keep torturing myself with this constant
Barrier put up to keep me from ever getting close
Close to anyone
Anyone in particular
Only cause I keep wanting to ask
What if I hadn't said no to you?
What if I had decided to stay with them?
What if I didn't push you away from me
And stopped over-thinking everything?
Why don't I just stop this thought process for once
And live in the now
Not worrying about the consequences like everybody else
And enjoying all that life has to offer
But that just isn't in me
It's just not part of my genetic make up
you are here
to make it better
that is your purpose.
you are to make things
for your family
for other people
to make things
just a little easier
and if you are good
with a smile
someone will make it better for you
this is a cheerful fact,
why aren't you
hmm...we might have to
in these years spent searching
for one to join with on this journey,
i've learned of preference,
all i want in a future mate
is someone who laughs at my jokes
and speaks with a british accent,
i make jokes too often
for silence to be a common response,
if this is to last forever,
i need not learn of tumbleweeds
and their propensity to roll,
and i know that fights will come,
i know that there will be
words shouted, that bubble forth
like rabid froth, and i know
that in those quiet moments
that follow, there's nothing
i'd rather hear than