If I had two hands
Amongst my own.
Would they be strong enough
To make a home.
Would they give me comfort
Where I feel alone.
If I had two hands
Amongst my own.
If I had two eyes
Amongst my own.
Would they see possibility
To help me grow.
Would they show me beauty
Where I see stone.
If I had two eyes
Amongst my own.
If I had a heart
Amongst my own.
Would it recognize mine
To be its clone.
Would it beat in sync
Where my love is shown.
If I had a heart
Amongst my own.
There is this space that exists inside.
In between my ribs and just under my heart.
It's not in a place to constantly remind me of its presence there.
But it does get nudged from time to time.
It holds onto things I've tried to rise above, to let go of...
But never fully doing so.
Things like negativity and doubt and stubbornness...
Like self esteem bruising childhood judgements.
Like bitter regret of missing out on "I love you" before someone dies.
Like ignorant teenage decisions there was no reason to be making.
Like that secret you told and the one you promised to keep.
Like dutifully cleaning up after destruction since it was easier than starting over new.
Like the coltish grace of learning to be a woman without one.
Like leading a child with having no direction of your own.
Like taking that last piece.
Like hoping karma takes over.
Like waiting for a sign before walking away from toxic people.
Like throwing your heart out there with only faith and hope to be its wings.
Like innate fear of being alright with who you truly are.
Like disappointment for taking all these years to figure yourself out.
Those are some things that rattle around on a quiet and calm night.
On a night that finally arrives after strenuous days bleeding together...
They ghost in and remind you they're still there.
It used to terrorize the still moments when that happened.
No control over the flood of images and empathy associated with each and every reminder.
I thought it was in times like that, when drowning with the sorrows of yesterday was just as easy as an exhale.
But I was wrong...
I was mislead in my own thoughts.
Because when I was tapped on the shoulder by history.
It wasn't trying to hold me back.
It wasn't intending to maim my conscious.
I believe in fact, it just simply wanted to show progress.
To show the "then", compared to the "now"
How every piece of who I am today was shaped and structured in part, to everything I haven't let go of yet.
How do you know when your soul is weaker than strong but mighty enough to fight?
In being made to contemplate all the wonderful and fulfilling things and parts of who we are,
We also have to give credit to the dark pieces
The events and people that have burdened and burnt but never destroyed.
Like any balance in life we acknowledge both light and shadow.
Appreciation of the good in our lives is more fluid when we have proof of the struggles we've overcome.
Be it years ago or hours,
Seeing how far you've come from that which had held you under or has trampled your spirit.
It helps enlighten bit by bit.
And a step at a time is how we all move forward into who we're meant to be.
So i think, that space that exists very close to my heart but just far enough away...
I think I'm okay with it being there.
It may hold scars in the eyes of others
But I know scars are just golden reminders;
Of that which make us stronger.
For if one has no scars, what has one conquered?
You ran down the sidewalk
from the front porch
creating water bombs under your feet
with every patter.
Struggling to gain speed
as your summer dress
gradually became a sponge.
The thunderous mini shouts
coming from your mouth
stopped me dead.
to hold up the facade between
my expression and your heart
As you made it up to the spot
my feet backed up from,
could be seen in your
water well eyes.
Simultaneously stomping side to side
and tugging harshly down
my shirt you looked up
with a pleading confusion that
broke something inside me.
I couldn't give you
a straight simple explanation
for the question you kept
begging over and over to be answered.
You couldn't understand
how difficult the decision
to walk away from you that night was.
to better the one
who was to better you.
It was selfish
but in that moment I needed
to be for the right reasons
Let me tell you now though,
that you reaching up
and hanging off my neck like a pendant,
almost made me
toss the idea that I could do it
on my own and succeed,
I inhaled the smell of you
until I felt my lungs burn
and I held on hoping to convey
the meaning of this crisis in time
through our skin.
I couldn't give life
to the words you shouldn't of had to hear.
My time was running down
and my willpower
was getting edgy.
I knew that if I didn't
take those steps
into the unknown
I wouldn't be able to walk by your side
in all of our tomorrows.
So as you fought the untangling
of your scared limbs
and exhumed that agony smeared face
from my chest,
I breathed you in once more.
When you finally reached
a bump in the constant trill of sobs
pouring from your mouth I said,
"I love you. This is just for a little while. I will come back for you always."
I knew you hated those words
as I said them
but loved hearing me talk.
It meant that was
another minute more you had with me.
I kept up the
reassurance for the same reason.
A definitive honk
behind me proceeded the
collapse of your restraint.
with hawk like fingers
and indistinguishable words
you were held back with help.
It enraged me
to feel as if I couldn't touch you
but it was for both our benefits.
Holding onto your eyes
and the last of my control,
I grimaced a smile
that couldn't quite make it
I rolled the window down
to get the full effect of you voice
in my head to take with me.
It would be the push
to do better,
When the driver asked
if I was ready
I said yes
while screaming never inside.
I squeezed shut my lids
and prayed I was already
back in our home
cuddled up together
on the rainy porch.
All in the matter of minutes
I felt the precious innocence
drain partly from
Thankful to the rain
for at least hiding my
swollen eyes from you.
If I could leave you
with the illusion
I hadn't earned yet.
Feeling the car pull
slower than necessary
is what did it.
My senses over powered me
as I gasped out
that horribly contain sob.
I knew it was
the right thing I had to do
but it was killing me.
I cut out my heart
and left it with you.
All to the
gradually fading song of your sorrow
from my window.
"Come back mama, come back!"
As we fall so shall we rise
where the truth became the lies and the blue that I saw was not the blue deep in your eyes
but the shadows that played underneath azure skies
where judgements like wine
flowed from the vine and the pillars of palaces wrapped in pearl necklaces
came tumbling down.
In the time of nothing and plenty where nothing sufficed
and sacrifices were made upon the altars of Gods we no longer prayed too
and the blue that I saw was not there any more but had challenged itself to turn grey.
This was another day that I sat and waited for inspiration to come
no sun, just grey
where the lights fade away and the colours wash dry and the cry that tries to creep out from my parched lips is stripped of its sound
and no sound issues forth but a grunting (pig that I am..of course)
Then in the distance it takes for time to make its movements around the night where the aches and the pain can only be cured by (novo.'co)caine'
and in the backlots where hotshots sold cheap goods on the side
I slide deeper in the dark and by the lake within the park where the ducks have long gone to the market a song comes to mind,
(pack up your troubles in your old kit bag..)
and I find it's not that bad
it's not that great
I can take a little stress so let them try to mess with me and we'll see what we will see when I rise to find the blue becomes again the colour in your eyes and the shining from your face is the sun set in another place..yes the day has come once more
the day that I once read about and swore it was a fairy tale.
Thus again the light shines upon the madness of our times and I for one am glad
that today it doesn't seem so mad
but we shall see.
I've climbed my world of trees today,
Before they had to go their way.
Before the sunlight met the sea,
Each tree I saw called out to me.
The green green tree with boughs of steel
Was pure and utterly ideal.
And I climbed quick as a whippoorwill
Springing from the window seal.
I climbed it grand, and oh, so high-
Through the thrush's song, and a robin's cry.
Through the deepest green that caught the day,
And promised to steal me away.
And I climbed a Monkey Puzzle Tree
As old as half a tree can be.
And it laughed to see me rustle through
Branches old and branches new.
I sailed through leaves as soft as lent,
Where spiral blossoms lept to play
Fragrant little games of chance
Within the haunt of their bouquet.
When the tall, tall, red tree called my name,
The one with pepper blossoms high,
And since no two trees are the same
I followed this one to the sky.
Up through branches bathed in light,
And down through tunnels in the bark,
I climbed this one with all my might,
Through the gray and winding dark.
Until I found my afternoon
Still waiting for me like the day.
I gave the tree a bit of heart
And watched it as it sailed away.
And there, beyond the Tin Tin Tree,
Where apple roses blossomed grand,
I noticed resting on its knee
The finest tree to ever stand.
A hundred, hundred trees in one,
Would be an awful lot of fun
Just to take a branch today
And rest the afternoon away,
But, Oh, I had to climb it high,
As high as God could make a sky.
I had to see the stars that He
With clever skill hid well from me.
I had to touch the setting sun,
Under my after-evening's shroud,
So up I went, through branches, bows,
Crossing leaves that laughed aloud.
Leaves that seemed to know my name,
That weaved their winding whispers through
That starlit flicker of a flame
I tried but could not look into.
I swung from branches tapped by age,
That creaked and echoed such a sigh-
The feathered leaves that rustled calm,
And I so briefly saw my sky.
There I paused and held my own,
My heart like thunder in my chest.
And I watched the quiet of the day
Paint ribbons in a robin's nest
And scatter shades of blue and red
Like waves upon my quiet sea,
And those threaded vines of dragons head
That weaved in through my Shadow Tree.
The morning bowed to afternoon,
As if to nature's sole command,
And shades and shadows drifted by
That secret place I chose to stand.
There were stars that climbed each peasant branch,
Stars that whispered to the breeze
That beat a hymn of ages past,
Known only to the trees.
Will-O'-The-Wisp's sang through the leaves
And danced about the sapwood sprig,
Darting here and pausing there,
Between each shadowed, lively twig,
Where EverNettles bright as dreams
Climbed deep inside the deadwood bark,
And called their young ones earnestly
To the safety of the dark.
And finally spent I caught my breath,
And peeled the spindly leaves away,
And waved my arms into the breeze
That sang the silvered songs of day.
There was a different world below,
A land of hills and river beds,
Of trees as tiny as the grass,
And roads smaller than the finest threads.
I reached out into the velvet sky
To run my fingers through the day,
Where the sandy silk of autumn brushed
The stardust noon had tossed my way.
And I breathed in all the wonder there -
All I could hear and feel and see,
Whatever wonder dared to share
From the branches of my Shadow Tree.
Copyright © 2013 Richard D. Remler
"There is always Music amongst the trees in
the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet
to hear it."
Sometimes things seem to good to be true, but it doesn't mean they usually are...
I've gone from having everything to nothing, until 100% turned to 0. I've had an addiction so bad I sold everything until I had nothing , but a DVD starring Robert DeNiro.
I've burnt bridges with almost everyone I know
looking back my path of ash looks like grey and white snow.
Watched people cry, watched people die, If I told you I think they got what they deserved it would be a lie.
I've put needles in my arm trying to erase pain
All it did was kill my pride and usher in shame.
At one point in time when running from the law cause I had commited so much crime, I found myself at a Denny's buying coffee, with nowhere to go, sipping til' the sun came up cause I didn't have another dime.
Never left the cities, but I was off the map for years
my mother tried writing letters, I could barely make out the writing cause the ink was so smeared from her tears
If I was a turtle my shell would have a huge crack
If you met me today, you might say wisdom is something I don't lack
It's only causeI've been to hell and now I'm back
Today my feet are on the ground and things are great
It took being beat, sent to the human pound and almost prison up state
Ten years is the statue of limitations in CA, so for now I'm gonna count my blessin's , close my mouth and keep some confessions. You can look at hard times like bad luck or just take them as one of life's lessons.
Sometimes things seem so bad it makes you wanna quit, but you gotta keep trying and if you really want something, take another stab
reach out and grab it!
If you know the outcome and the consequence of a decision, then it's nobody's fault but yours if you suffer a penalty...
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Brandon the boy in the bubble and Doctor Wise...
The boy in the bubble
Never wanted any trouble
People said "your too fragile you'll get cancer"
So he would just make believe, pretend he was a cool agile panther
People said "your body will crumble like wood flooring rots"
So he would pretend, staying humble that he could fly over the jungle with soaring hawks
Aisles of adventures were all he sought
" I'll be in this bubble til I'm wearin' dentures", so he thought...
His doctor would come every other day
Just to make sure everything was okay
He went by Dr. "W" first initial J
One random paralyzed tuesday
Brandon sat in his sterilized room lettin' blues play
The doctor came to repeat the check up
Brandon was the same from shoulders to feet and neat from the neck up
The doctor asked "Son why are you in this bubble?"
Brandon said "The people told me the air could kill me and the sun would be worst trouble"
The doctor told Brandon "the world is a mysterious place in our galaxy, but you'll never know for yourself until you go face the challenge B"
The doctor lifted the window wide open and let in the breeze
As the fresh air hit his face, Brandon didn't so much as sneeze
Brandon - "Wow doc you must save thousands of lives"
Dr. W - "Not really, I just tell people this; Everybody lives, everybody smiles, everybody cries, everybody dies and
Don't you know I can see right through you my dear
If you were a window you couldn't be more clear
Your afraid to love again and trust me, I understand your fear
All I seek is your friendship at this point in time
There are things you need to figure out in your life
and there are things I need to figure out in mine
I would never try to start something over night
just want you to think of me when the time is right,
but right now my future is the only thing locked in my sight
Things that make so much sense only happen once in a lifetime
Life moves fast, but I won't leave you behind
So please don't waste to much time with the battles in your mind
I'm not about lust, this world is filled with beautiful women, attraction is a given, I'm about love and trust
Even though I might be sensual and extremely sexual,
I'm what you call an intellectual
The key to my heart is through my mind, you gotta have brains
so show me your the kind and not just another lame
For now I'll give you my friendship and loyalty
Keep your head on straight and maybe one day I'll give you my love and show you whats it's like to be treated like royalty
The word "unique" didn't exist until you were born and showed the dictionary it forgot the "e"
You could possibly be, INSIDE and OUT the most beautiful thing in this world to me...
Thank you Hemingway
for putting the fun
back into my reading.
It been so long since
I had read for enjoyment
and not to study
The book was yellowing,
The Sun Also Rises,
bullfights, Spain, wine,
women, even writers,
all those things and more.
Last time it
was checked out
of that school library,
10 years ago,
damn long time.
I took it,
Rough and honest.
That thing deserved
to be read and I'm glad
that it was by me.
Sometimes books just capture you,
make you wanna be in the middle
of the action with the characters,
live the story with them,
and I guess we do.
So in summary
and once again,
Thank you Mr H.
If the pen is mightier than the sword,
then how do actions speak louder than words?
Life is not like what's portrayed on the screen.
Life can be cruel.
Life can bring Hell upon you.
Life is a BITCH!!!!!!!!
Life can be cooperative.
Life can be rewarding.
Grab the bull by the horns.
Make the first move, no matter
what the situation is.
If you find an opportunity,
I guess it's time I start.
I cannot back down any longer.
Here goes nothing.