for one chameleon blink,
one shining nanosecond,
you believed that you were good enough?
That the world was better for your being here,
That your small, messy life mattered.
What would that be like?
Maybe like touching chinchilla for the first time,
Falling into a softness that transcends words.
Once you taste the metallic tang of truth,
The lie of your nothingness smacks of poison,
You are a miracle
as wondrous as the Grand Canyon,
New York cheesecake,
all rolled into one.
You of the selfishness and unfulfilled potential,
You of the snide comments, procrastination
and dishes in the sink,
You. Imperfect, unlovable you.
If you could glimpse your essence,
You'd erupt in giddy squeals
like a baby playing peekaboo.
Until that day, creep into the dark shed
out beyond your heart,
The one where the cutting tools are kept,
And hunker down for an ugly cry,
Cry for the wasted years,
the dreams deferred,
the squandered chances,
the loves lost.
Then let the tears come for the gifts,
A tangerine moon at sunset,
The milky, sweet smell of a newborn,
Your best friend's laugh,
Weep for the infinite worlds of possibility that
still exist in you and for you.
Lean into the knowledge that
Despite all evidence to the contrary,
I'm seeking vengeance
for the missing feeling.
The cold air of truth.
It never felt so unfamiliar.
So blindly she loves it.
She lets it take her away
to a simpler place.
Golden skin and iron innards
Flake away. Faded.
Failed and flooded to the brim,
I imagine you.
You being here.
You keeping me calm.
Reminding me someone loves me.
I can imagine you.
And I wish this was real.
Today I face the world alone
Because it’s how I feel
Racing down a dead end road
The signs have been concealed
You said you wanna be together
And you were talkin’ bout forever
I guess that I should have known better
Forever’s changing with the weather
You’re falling off the trees like leaves
You think you know what true loves means
But I fear you’re just lonely
I’m not the one who can complete
All I want is honesty
Don’t make yourself hard to believe
If you can’t, don’t promise me
Don’t say you will and then deceive
Honestly, don’t tell me honestly
When you aren’t honest with me
Promise me, that you you’ll always be
Don’t say you’ll maybe be
Cause I’d rather be alone than used
My purpose not for your amuse
Ask me to give my heart to you
I’ll hand it over somewhat bruised
If love was a game I'd lose.
The pain of love is too much for me to
understand the pain of lost trust is
enough to kill your friend enough to
end your name and your life end your
being, but the gain from love is the
feeling of pride and happiness when
you look in their eyes. The feeling of
joy when you realize they are the one
you want for the rest of your life, but
Of the love
The love you crave is now the love you craved.
The joy you feel is no the joy you felt.
The love he loves is now a love he once knew.
You see? Love is a gift and a curse a pain and a spell.
What is love?
Love is a four letter word just like Pain
Just like hurt
Just like that one feeling
that you swear should never be felt...
because the last time you felt it your heart.....
"Love is pain and pain is love"
Pain shouldn't be heard in the love you deserve
The love you deserve is what will bring
You back to what you need.
What you need to be......
she offers me, a spot of dust
she raises me under the couch,
on platitudes and warm bread I know it’s
in return for my devotion there
she loves me like the boats today, I start spring-cleaning,
she keeps out on the ocean (this alone
she loves me to be molded, should receive
not to be unfolded more recognition than it will)
I pull out the couch
she bore me bones the vacuum doesn’t quite
the lacrimal bone reach the dust lying
the breastbone on unused carpet,
all the cervical vertebrae the head
I use them to simulate keeps hitting the wall
her expectations unproductive
I put the furniture back
2 in place
I have names, no one will see the lack
I wear them like badges of progress
inspired by something not quite
earned yet 5
while lucid dreaming
I assigned constellations were on
each name my skin
a compartment and freckles in
of me the night sky
If I name them maybe
they will become light pollution drowned out
real, not just necessary two thirds
even if most imploded
before they were seen
with enough necessity were it not for shadows
anyone can tell a lie I would surely learn to
hate the light
The human skin can be hard to live in,
That's why most of us tear it.
And I, my loves,
Am a hypocrite
I tell you not to tear such precious, innocent skin
While late at night
I hold my blade
And carve it in.
I like to push oh so hard.
Only to get the adrenaline
of seeing the blood and make sure I am still alive
Though I feel as if I'm not at all alive anymore
I'm a zombie
living in the palest of skin
And if your lucky
I'll let you in.
It doesn't happen often
But for some it may
Those lucky few
Will be dismayed
For I seem like a bright ray of sunshine
In this dark dark world
But jokes on you
I'm the darkest of them all.
My Heart will Sing with so much tears in this summers rain
That no other will see or hear but me
I written You this Note and here is how it goes
I didn't want to let You see the pain the tears in my eye's
Because the pain I feel is in the summers sky's
Because we belong together in some other life
I didn't want to let You go but this is how our story goes
We had already known that one day somebody has to go
So I had written You this note within my soul that I am already gone
I know we had to move on
We didn't belong in eachothers arms
We had known this from the start
And if we would had said different we would had lied
I want You to know it doesn't matter it is already written
We could never make this right no matter how much we try
So I written this note to say I am already gone
But know this I never meant to make you cry on that
Hot summers night
But we both had seen it written in each others eye's we have
To say our goodbyes it is written in that summers skies
My Heart will always have a place for You that Loves You so
My Heart will Sing in that summers rain
But no other will hear it or see it but me
I written You this note to say I love you but we both already
Know how this story will end .
Staring into his big brown eyes
Wrapped up in his arms
We laughed on into the star filled night
Counting the stars we see
Telling each other every little thing
He grabs my hands to show me how
I can't believe how far we've come
Tonight is the night we let it all go
Free ourselves into the night
Lets be part of the star filled sky
As beautiful as our souls are
Finding each other was just pure luck
In his eyes is where I'll stay
'Just run away with me'
He says it so passionately
I love him and he loves me
Love so pure you wouldn't believe
I will never get married because marriages don't last.
Being a product of divorce blows big chunks all the time.
You tell your parents how you feel and they say
"we will discuss it dear" but they never do it.
My mom was always on her cell phone talking her
tmi friend who tells all and how she and strangers
she meets placing personals have fun in her boudoir.
Don't reach for a thesaurus means her bedroom.
It's gross trying to get ready for classes and hearing
your mom talk about sex and big boob plastic surgery
she wants to get to keep her girly figure right and tight.
I got body image issues due to her can't stop looking
for flaws and wrinkles dumb ass mental complexes.
Need therapy much dumb and vain mother?
Could be why dad found a younger version of you
in evil bitch clone he lives with who loves his fat wallet.
No way can that someone with a hot bod want his
gray hair with more than one bald spot and flabby abs.
He works out but he's got a bod that quit even when
he spends hours exercising at the gym and dancing
trying to be my age saying old shit getting jiggy with it.
I think Kill me now when he says that and I hate my life.
I feel messed up in the head because my parents hate
who they are and I hate myself most days because that's
what I learned from them. Should I go out and have
sex with as many men as mom and her friends? Should
I meet guys off the internet like mom now does? Should I
meet a man who will take care of me like the woman
dad is with who loves his fat wallet and great job
and be the kind of woman my dad likes? Would dad
be proud if I wanted surgery to get huge boobs like vain mom?
Would mom care if I had sex with a guy in the back of
his pick up like she bragged to her friend about? Would
my teachers care if I sat in the back and cheated like the
girl who gets answers from tests in exchange for quickies
in cars during lunch. She is tardy for the party and class
a lot. Teachers don't notice what's happening in schools
and they don't freaking care if I study my ass off
to get the same grades and I don't sleep with all the jocks.
Maybe I should because I'm messed up in the head at 18 and
nobody cares about me but me and that's a short list.
Have friends but they have some of the same body
issues and mental ones like me. I'm messed up in the
head because I get accused of having sex and I'm still
a virgin but thinking about giving up the goods to
the one I met through personals. He wanted to cmid and
I proved I'm legal. On the fence about giving away my
virginity. Too damned bad my mother and dad are
busy and have mental issues and have no time for the
girl they dressed up when she was a tyke but forgot about
when she needed a training bra.