We are in a timeless world that is coming to an end
so quickly that we are fooled to believe
that we have a
lifetime ahead of us.

What is a lifetime when it varies
with each day?
What is a lifetime when we test this unknown entity
with every minute of the hour?
We are fools.

We are afraid of that which we do not know.
We are fearful for our hearts, for our trust,
for our sanity..but we are broken and skeptical
and all mad anyways.
What are we fearing for?
We are fearing for our past and
it does not make sense.
Love is falling into one another.
I want to fall into the puddle of your sorrow
and your madness and your beautifully
expired colors.

I am a new puddle.
One you have yet to let touch your skin.
I am not merely a reflection on the surface
waiting to be disrupted by you diving head first.
I am not an illusion.
I am not your past.
I am not all these fears that sleep in your veins.
Won’t you see?

We are fearing a lifetime that we
have never seen.
We are unaware and foolish and naive,
and we have these vague ideas that all that exists
is that which we have already seen.
We are fools.

I want to fall into your foolish puddle of expired colors.

Why can't I put myself back together?
Why did I have to fall apart in the first place?

Why can't I be like Riley Knowles?
Why did I have to fall under Depression's reigns?

Why can't I simply be happy?
Why did I stop being happy?

WHY can't I laugh just to laugh?
WHY did I try to end my own life so short?


When will I be happy?
When can I smile for real again?

When will I share upbeat memories?
When can I move without gloom following me?

When will I fall in love?
When can I say that I am truly fine?

WHEN will I not be suicidal?
WHEN can I be in remission?

Since that day of tear wretched relief
fueled by simple words of release
My mind has been in a fog of self pity.
Pity flamed by the media and doubts hovering so near
That finally broke the surface of my outward self confidence.
Could I be loved again?
Did I deserve love again?
Do I want love again?

Who could love someone else's trash?
Who would want this used and abused body and mind?
Who?
Who?
Who?

The days and weeks and months flew and dragged
In ceaseless toil and endless motion
Despite my frequent protests
My frequent denials
My frequent mournings.

When do these burning doubts extinguish?
When will my mind stop this downward spiral through the rabbit hole?
When will the me I use to know be exhumed?
When?
When?
When?

horror stories
muffled by pillow forts
and blankets
that stretch across the
vast of my beloved
room.

in hiding-
your young skin
is shielded
by a lonely
shadow dancing
with sunlight.

the room's
symphony plays as
a crescendo of
soft laughter
and light footsteps
cues in.

magazines
sprawled on
the carpeted-floor
jennifers & ashleys
glamorously sporting
shiny hair.

away messages
are synonymous
to x's and hearts
bordering
your
besties' names.

and these are the best
years of your life
but it just feels like dirt
to your name
being young
gets old.

mobiles in purses
strapped to your chest
"I HEART NY" keychains
dangling by the locket
that frames your blurry
picture of him.

you feel so important
surrounded by friends
and people who
shower you with
lots of
cheap love.

you don't care
about what you don't know
and it's easy
living
when all you're living
is the lie of happiness.

Just because you look at me the way in which you do
Is just the.  Fire I require just to see the hard things through.

Just because I look away sometimes when you are near is just the
Little boy in me just loving you my dear.

Just a moment if you please to still my weak and shaky knees
When you hold me close in your caress .my ear pressed gently to your breast. As our breathing slows and senses clear.

Just say that you will always love me.
Need me, trust me hold. me.

In your heart.
In your dreams .
In your world. For
Just forever.
That is all.

not very long ago i thought i was going to say to you,
"i love you."
i thought i would say,
"i want you,
and i hope you want me too,"
and i thought that maybe it was what i wanted.
but where has the innocence gone,
and where is the love?
and when did i stop needing you,
and more importantly when did i start again?
and then not very long ago
i was filled with the kind of anger and disgust i'd forgotten i could feel for you.
it took the words and the breath right out of me.
i'd forgotten that part of loving you,
and all at once i remembered again.
it took the want and the respect right out of me
and it filled me with the deepest sadness.
a moment of short-sighted drunkenness,
it's not what i should remember about you.
it shouldn't consume the thousands of goodnesses i see in you
but it does.
a few hours ago i was in a place we shared once
and i ached for you so badly
and now, again, i am hollow.
you fill me up and you hollow me out and i forgot that wanting you is exhausting,
but i remember now
and now, again, i am lost.
and i hope you fucking read this and i hope it pisses you off
and i hope it makes you think i'm immature or reactionary or naive
and i hope it makes you indignant or dismissive or i hope you don't give a shit.
jesus, i hope it makes you think all sorts of terrible things about me,
i really do.
i hope it makes you think i'm pathetic,
i hope you think it's unfair.
and you're damn right, i hold you accountable,
because you're better than all of them put together
and you act like it one and a half times out of ten.
you disappoint me as often as not, now.
isn't that terrible?
i used to think the sun rose on you,
i used to think it set on you,
i used to think you were everything in between.
not very long ago i was going to tell you.
i was going to sit you down and say it all to you
i was going to speak until i'd done everything i could do,
but now
i'd really rather not even look at you.
maybe i'll love you again and i will again allow myself to be filled by you,
to feel all the things in the world for you, to burst with love and with pain,
but tonight you hollowed me.
you left me shocked and sick and numb tonight,
angry and disgusted.
tonight you exhausted all the light i put to you,
you burned all the love,
burned it and scattered the ashes, and you saved me from putting it back together again.
it's over now.

I looked upon a tree tonight,
The wind caressed my hair,
And in my broken state of mind
I saw Him standing there.
There once was a flower
Blooming big
With beauty in it's solitude.
I remember my hands with anger
Ripping it without care.
I placed the flower in my room,
The next day it was dead.
And in my heart there was the trouble
And sadness in my head.
I looked upon the tree tonight,
And saw that empty space,
I turned my head, with tears, upright,
And pensive, saw instead,
A bud, still blooming,
And another,
Then another still,
All the way up to the top,
It's true, the tree was filled.
Though I killed my beautiful love,
There's hope in life, and hope above,
And God is here, what I've mourned of,
Is passed, and gone until,
I reach my hand
Up to the sky,
This hope
Is all
I have tonight,
And watch the stars
Above, burn bright,
Oh what loving,
Forgiving
Sight.