There are some things
I never said
I have not forgotten about you
They are as follows
1. I have not forgotten
The way your lips parted
When you would say my name
As if it were some prayer
And not some messily scrawled pencil work
In the back of a stall
2. I have not forgotten
The way you would hold me
When I told you I wanted to die
When you would sit with me
And see that I was a monster
That there was a beast
Hiding inside of my head
And no amount of love
Could rid it
3. You were like Beast
And I was like Beauty
Maybe it was the other way around
Maybe you were the one
Who brought lights to others
And I was the one who drowned
4. Not everything about you was bad
You taught me
What love feels like
What true love can do
Despite everything a person feels
Love can make you or break you
And you broke me
5. I told myself
I would not have another relationship
And I lied to myself
I do not know how
To be serious anymore
All I can do is
And cheat myself
6. I couldn't think of anything else
But the way your hands curved
The way your knuckles shouted
My name when they were curled
Around my neck
The way your mouth
Formed my name
On my neck
And created a bruise
That lasted for centuries
The way you pressed
Yourself against me
"I love you, so much"
7. Do you still love me now?
8. I never told you
That I started smoking
So I could burn your scent
Out of my lungs
And taste you in my mouth
I never told you
That I started drinking
So I could forget you
And forget myself
I never told you
I started acting out
So you could pay attention to me again
I never told you
Just how much
You fucked me up
9. You were the name I moaned out
On restless Saturday nights
You are no longer that name
10. You taught me
How to fall in love with strangers
So much that
I saw their tiny little flaws
And still thought they were beautiful
I could see
The flowers growing from
Their broken and withered body
And I thought to myself
For teaching me how to love
But also fucking me over
Soldiers ~ Brave ~ dressed to a sleeve,
pressed tight ~ two fisted ~
grew calm to defend her right.
Magic are the buttons ~ in seasons of cold ~
in service in the darkest of nights ~
to defend our vision ~ our rights.
Needing a warmth of home ~
a cloth of comfort ~ a grace of old ~
a stitch ~ a sew ~ a blanket to shelter ~
any measure ~ any promise ~
such they defend our greatest of hopes.
Their bravery ~ graces us daily ~
embraced by the heal of this Nation ~
protecting our passions ~ our rights ~
our freedoms ~ our home...
They defend the women’s love of life ~
they shield away uncertainty ~
they champion a child’s glimmer of hope...
Clean shaven ~ polished ~ ready ~
they carry us free ~ raft our knowledge ~
and gentle our deepest of woes...
1. Put a sad song on repeat. Some people will tell you to play a favorite, but you should always use a sad song. One so painful that it breaks your heart in pieces with every itinerant chord change. One whose words slide sharper than the six fresh blades stashed under your dirty socks across flushed and anxious skin. One you only remember on nights like this. You want a song that sneaks on trembling legs, unstretched and untested, into your thoughts to leave muddy footprints on everything it can reach. Let the bass line become a heartbeat; inhale to it. Exhale to the kick drums, and moan to the guitars. These are the nights you won’t remember, the songs you won’t remember; but when you do, you’ll know.
2. Snap a rubber band against your skin. Leave welts, because that’s really all you want. Watch the inflammation evolve and fade. The rosy lines of discontent will eventually dissolve back into their pale, ivory stasis, and you will be no worse for the wear. Keep one on your wrist day and night, like a shackle—a rubber band that is. You will depend on it one day, wound up in its elastic tension, a knot stretched to breaking, and you will snap. Snapsnapsnap. And you will revel in the marks you leave as they fade from your memory.
3. Go for a walk or a jog. Run. Feel the cool of the breeze as it dries the sweat to a tacky layer of salt on your forehead. Feel the stitch form swiftly in your side and imagine a knife. It slips between the bones of your ribcage. It twists, knicking calcium splinters into your chest cavity. Keep running and never stop. As your knees cry out and crumple to the sidewalk, your breath will come in short gasps of agony, and you will feel everything and nothing at once.
4. Scream into a pillow. Let your lungs bleed venom and misery into tear-stained feathers and compression-resistant fiberfill. All the secrets you’ve whispered through the years will whisper back and muffle your anguish. Breathe. Soak in the regurgitated carbon dioxide and know it is yours. Feel it burn as feather fronds slip through thin cotton mesh and into your nasal cavities. Catch your breath deep in your chest and scream again. You’ll lose your voice one of these days.
5. Spend hours absorbed in art—draw, paint. Scratch endless lines into paper with the implement of your choice. Crosshatch ink into pliant wooden fibers until it bleeds through to the other side or even the next page. Splash an image of the object of your frustrations on a wall-sized canvas. Spend hours inking over those delicate fibers and indelicate features with dusty charcoal and night-black Krylon. Paint yourself until your smile no longer cracks, but flexes with the heat of your skin. They will love you now, an ever-grinning Mona Lisa.
6. Call a friend on the telephone and make uncomfortable small-talk. Ask them how their day was, even though you saw them twice. When they sigh it was fine and ask how you are, reply with the same lie as always. Oh, I’m alright; a little tired, but okay. Eventually, you might even believe it when the words tumble instinctively from your lips, and then you’ll be fine too.
7. Draw a butterfly on your wrist and name it for someone who would be sad if you relapsed. Color your butterfly; make it your friend. Remember that it’s temporary, that it will eventually wash off in the sink or shower, but while it’s visible you cannot kill it. To slice off its wings would be murder; to scorch cigarette marks into its thorax, cruel. You wouldn’t hurt an innocent butterfly, would you? Someday you’ll name that butterfly after yourself, and then you will be free.
8. Slip an ice cube into the crook of your elbow. Let it melt; from the sharp sting of frost to the slow itch of evaporating wet. Watch it disintegrate and know you are warm. You radiate, even if it is only enough to coax water from an ice cube. But you are warm and alive, and that is enough. Let that knowledge numb you. Remember when you were small and hurt your ankle falling down the stairs. When your mother found a decades-old bag of peas in the basement freezer for you to wear, thinking it would numb the ache of a tiny sprain. The bag dripped into your socks and squished in your shoes, but the cold made it feel new again (eventually). Watch the ice and feel the cold as the liquid slides down your sleeve. You will melt it and it will melt you.
Maybe I wasn't leaving, but going home. Maybe my body was constantly the wrong age for my mind and I slipping in and out of consciousness. And to be entirely honest with you, I never knew what love was until it smacked me right across the face, knocking me to the ground. I mean there's no other logical way to explain it. It's as though I was there and then suddenly I wasn't only there but I was in love. It consumed me and it devoured me. It ripped my flesh to shreds and dragged me on the surface of the hardwood floors. I blame love for the loss of my temper, the times I showed up at your door sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't hold my words between my teeth, yet neither could I release them. They were stuck. Planted there. Between my chest cavity and my throat and occasionally a thought of desperation stepped off the tip of my tongue. I threw things. And I hated things. But most importantly, I loved you. I loved you despite the fact that you didn't love me. I didn't even care or expect you to return this feeling. I just wanted you to know. To be aware that I would have done anything to see that trace of a smile across your lips. I would have slept out in the rain. Worked 3 jobs and even tell off the girl who once broke your heart. I lost it. My mind. My innocence. My doubts. And my expectations. I gave every ounce of it away because of what I felt for you. And I guess where I'm coming to, is one day I woke up and it wasn't pouring outside anymore. I was okay. I had made it through the storm. I found home.
Maybe I wasn't leaving, but going home. Maybe my body was constantly the wrong age for my mind and I slipping in and out of consciousness. And to be entirely honest with you, I never knew what love was until it smacked me right across the face, knocking me to the ground. I mean there's no other logical way to explain. It's as though I was there and then suddenly I wasn't only there but I was in love. It consumed me and it devoured me. It ripped my flesh to shreds and dragged me on the surface of the hardwood floors. I blame love for the loss of my temper, the times I showed up at your door sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't hold my words between my teeth, yet neither could I release them. They were stuck. Planted there. Between my chest cavity and my throat and occasionally a thought of desperation stepped off the tip of my tongue. I threw things. And I hated things. But most importantly, I loved you. I loved you despite the fact that you didn't love me. I didn't even care or expect you to return this feeling. I just wanted you to know. To be aware that I would have done anything to see that trace of a smile across your lips. I would have slept out in the rain. Worked 3 jobs and even tell off the girl who once broke your heart. I lost it. My mind. My innocence. My doubts. And my expectations. I gave every ounce of it away because of what I felt for you. And I guess where I'm coming to, is one day I woke up and it wasn't pouring outside anymore. I was okay. I had made it through the storm. I found home.
How can you love someone
So far away
How can you say yes to a date
When you just broke a heart
And hurt your own
How can you ever be with someone
How can you ever be in love
With the person next to you
When your feelings change all the time
And it hurts
In the winter i set my heart down,
making note of it in this poem.
It was heavy with ice and frost,
and i was lighter for its loss.
i wanted to pass the note along,
missing you so, to cry out to you:
PLEASE! I LOVE YOU!!
...but you don't hear me though...
In the approaching spring you called,
and the hollow in my ribs ached;
we spoke different languages through
string-less tin can phones;
i sought out the place where my heart lies,
though i fear it cannot be found:
i had mailed you that treasure map,
and you lost it in translation.
Since we parted Ive been a mess..
No one else can see it except myself..
They all hate you...
For some reason i don't mind you...
I had tried everything to forget you
I eventually just gave up
Its like you put yourself there purposely for me to never forget..
I don't know why things happened this way
We never had bad problems till that last day..
The last day we were together you broke everything..
My trust in you, hope for us, happiness for us, and my heart..
If you cared in the first place you wouldn't have done that..
Yet you still try to talk as if none of it ever happened..
I don't know how you can do that..
You stopped all the drugs you were doing back in those days..
Sometimes i think of how happy we used to be...
I wish we still had that little sparkle in our eyes
The look of excitement every time we would see each other ..
I will be seeing you shortly for the first time in about 5 months..
We will see where that leads..
Everyone's telling me don't meet up with you
Truth is...i want to be in your arms again...
I would feel no fear with you
You are trying to prove yourself to me
I am willing to accept you back in my life again
There is no love stronger than our forbidden love...
I have not got NO future
I have not got NO past
but at least my words are heard.
being just a man
When you are alone
but life is surreal
so please do not
what 'ASK me WHAT I THINK OF YOU?
I will not give the answer
YOU WANT ME TO.
It'll be too late
the decision is left on fate
I will no longer be life's bait,
I will no longer be draw an end date.
I will cry
until you realize my love wasn't a lie
but now I'd rather die,
than to have you nearby.
We are at an end,
this is one rule I will refuse to bend
because "I care about you" was too hard to send,
and these broken pieces of my heart are impossible