This is it, baby.

All we are is each other.
All we have left is the right to eat passion.

No. Not Now. Not with my back turned to time.
I'd like to face apocalypse, please.

"Entropy is a pseudoscience"
  Says my dad.
  But so is love.
         And materialism.


What happens when...
           My dreams come true and my life reveals itself as irrational?
            The humans are forced to realize they're already dead?
             I've lost everything, even nothing?
              We all have disamnesia?
               The communities of resistance are bought out?
                 The sustainability movement comes to terms with its own mortality?
                
                                                                                                         Love abandons us?

So what if I am crazy, like I would need to know.
People say the words I write and cry are cursed.
How would they know that? They don't even know me....
Maybe they are right. I only write for the loss of love and peace.
I have done things that the two lords of the world would not approve of.
The lies, the tears and the lost hope for a brighter day.
I just want it to end.
I am called crazy from my own mother, she says i'm a sinner.
I want to be dead... Cold, limp, still.
I am the beast I wanted to be, now that I am.... I am Horrid.
I can never change back. NEVER!
I am all alone...
The alone one I can trust and trusts me is my old cat named Fatboy.
Sometime I swear hes telling me to stop doing the sins and cursing the lords.

Alone in a room,
Music slowly plays,
Songs of loneliness,
Songs of loss,
Yet songs of love.

Concealed in darkness,
Retreating from reality.
Every strums of the guitar,
Pulling me deeper and deeper

away

My eyelids close,
Allowing a tear out,

In darkness,
In blindness,
A disoriented, dark, slowly fading light, shines on.

A beacon of hope and sorrow,

Alone in the room.
Concealment in the dark
Quiet screams for help.

Life sure is a mystery...

One whistle of a wind,
I am on top of the world,
One drop of rain,
I am in a room concealed by dark.

The light shines in a dark room resistant,
Yet so futile.

A knock on the door remains ignored,
A child, once afraid of the dark, embraces it's warm concealment.

Absolute quiet as the guitar continues to strum.

Songs, oh the songs.
The sweet melodies.
Words that taste like nectar.
Notes that speaks to the very soul.

Just for one moment,
A song makes sense.
Nonsense becomes reality.

Have I finally gone mad?
Have I refuted reality?

My heart becomes darker and colder.
Yet I embrace it.

Slipping away

The knock becomes more anxious.
A voice pleading.

Slipping

Gone into the concealing darkness

The beacon of hope turns off.
The Lonely Light dies out,
The room is left dark.

Nothing to disturb this peace.
Pitch black and quiet.
Warm and alone in this room.

A Single Wish.

Slipping Away

Into Infinite Concealment of a Blank Room.

The door swings opens,
Shining the light of reality into the room,
Disturbing the sacred peace of the darkness.

But I am already gone.

Slipped Away To A Better World

I cleaned out an old drawer
of odds and ends.
    there were paperclips and the door to a battery case on some remote
    an orange candle stub, from Halloween I think
    lots of batteries and four flashlights, though only one worked
    and parts of things which I'm sure made sense to keep at the time
          I have no idea what they are now

I cleaned out an old drawer
  of thing I've forgotten
      pictures of my daughter in a lost setting
      a letter of gratitude from a friend, but for what?
      a postcard from Barcelona
      graduation announcements for our friend's children
           I don't think I sent a gift

I cleaned out an old drawer
  of memories and my past
     a ticket stub from an evening with Isabel
     a newspaper clipping of my son in scouts
     old mother's day cards from the kids
     subway map of New York City from October 2001
         Memories of adventure and love

I cleaned out an old drawer
  and sorted, straightened and remembered
     batteries went together in a small box
    rubber bands and  coins in their proper place
    memories dusted off and replaced
        out of the drawer and back into my head

My life is a little like cabinet drawers
   stuffed with junk and trash mixed with treasures and tools
   I think I'll clean my cabinet more often
     I'll organize some things that I'll need
         like my mom and dads affection and support
         my friends kindness and playfulness
     I'll throw away the useless things
          like anger, resentment, and regret
          to make room for my treasures
And I'll be reminded of what has been
         a childhood of play, security, discovery and love
         my magical children  and the wonder at every age
         my beloved and her steadfast love and respect
         faith, hope, joy, compassion, service

That feeling is gone
The one I'd look forward to every time your fingertips touched my flesh
Laying on your couch

It wasn't the same

All that time I spent wondering where you were
Secretly longing to hear your laugh in the front seat of your car
I was haunted by those words you rarely spoke
Like a secret begging to flee from your mouth
"I love you"

That feeling is gone
That one I'd get by the taste of your lips
It would linger on me for days
You were all I could taste

That feeling of joy I'd get because you were so sweet
That feeling is gone
You were frightened I'd find the truth
Two years down our path I did
Now you trace my face with your gentle hands

It wasn't the same

That feeling I'd get when you look me in the eyes
Like we could live in that moment forver
That feeling is gone

I used to make you laugh
That familiar laugh that would play in my head for days
I imagine the past, then the future

It wasn't the same

I jump up whispering goodbye
As you drive away with that sorrowful sigh
I don't want to look back
All that time ago
On your comfy couch, somewhere lost in love

It isn't the same

Electric Wonder.
Exciting Beauty.
The girl with the smile.
The perfect storm.
Wonderful. Just. Wonderful.
Skinny Love.

Aren't we a shy pair? The names
you use to describe me to others are cute indeed
but I'd like them better if you used them with me.

I'm more than Lauren, your friend from school.
I'm the "electric wonder" who you deemed "too cool"
to pursue back in eighth grade. So you sat back like a
fool and let me get my heart broken by a boy who didn't care.
I forgive you though,
my friend,
because you were there when he let me down.
And it was your hug that I'd wished had been his all along.

And back in tenth grade when another stood me up,
it was you, skinny love, who picked me up. From a
lonely cold night outside the movies. It was you,
my friend,
who took me out for ice cream and it was you,
my friend,
who told me he wasn't worth the trouble.
In tenth grade you deemed me an exciting beauty who
could never fall for a man like you. But all along it was
your hand I wished had been holding mine.

And my senior year when we parted ways,
and we reminisced about the days we had
you had a look on your face. Like there was something
you just had to say. But instead,
my friend,
you told me you'd miss me when I was at college
and nothing more. You made me the girl with the smile
that ignited the light in your heart but you did not tell me.
You let me go. And I never let you know that I wish it had
been you in school who I called my own.

Summer after I came home from my first year away,
you said I had changed. I had purple in my hair
and the care I once had of the opinions of others was
gone. We spent weeks together, like nothing had changed.
And when I cried because I had to leave you again you
were the one,
my friend,
who calmed my fears and promised to visit once you'd move in.
I was your perfect storm of grace and tragedy. And it was you,
my friend,
who I wanted to share every moment with during those warm summer nights.

Sophomore year you brought me to a party. I
didn't know anyone and your friends were rude.
And when I wanted to leave and never come back it was you,
my friend,
who stood up for me and told them I was perfect.
You said I was Wonderful. Just. Wonderful. And after all
the times I let the truth stay bottled up inside I finally
let it out. That kiss on the porch was not the wine, nor the
weed. It was me. It was you. It was us. It was all the times
you were there for me and all the times I'd secretly wished
you were those boys who'd let me down.

So why? Skinny Love? Why continue on this way?
No need for another heart break. Let's admit the
way we feel, my friend,
the way we've always felt.

For tenth grade me.
For senior year you.
For the times we cried together.
And hid our feelings for each other.

Come now, skinny love, tell me how you feel.

I can't keep on doing this
I have to  make things right
Between us...Just you and I.

I hit my rock bottom
When I looked into your eyes for the final time
I saw it
The hurt slipping from your eyes
Down your cheeks.

I just turned my back
Took off running
To a sanctuary that could save me

We're only in 8th Grade
I was gone from a world
Taken to another one,
Darker, vaster..
I threw the damn weights off my back
I came to the world of reality.
A world of happiness and love.

So I can't walk the halls on Monday
With you walking silently beside me
Both of us, together
I suppose a, "Hello" don't mean much

I won't ditch you because of a heart break
That's not who I am
You and I weren't supposed to be together
My world was spiraling out of control
About to explode when I heard you yell my name

And I will not keep doing this
I've picked myself up
Stopped the self-hate
Now I'm climbing up Everest
When I reach the top

I guess I'll call out your name
Like you yelled mine as I ran away
See if you call back
Because I have to make things right
Between you and I

I love you like crazy,
Only want the best for you. Happiness, love, security.
I'm sorry for being so isolated from you.
Can we start all the way over?
Get to know each other without the awkwardness of a crush?

I think the hardest thing to remember is that everything ends.

When times are great and I'm lying in your arms its so easy to remember
That you're going to leave.
I count down the minutes until you'll have to get out of my bed, pull on your shorts, pack up your bag,
And go.
Its easy to look at it in terms of time
And know exactly how many seconds I have
Until you leave.

But when the insides of my stomach are clenching and aching,
When there's nothing in the world that can make this pain stop,
It's hard to remember that this too will end.
This time there aren't a set number of minutes to count down,
But it will pass.

My friends tell me, "He wasn't good enough for you"
My roommate says, "There's only so many times he can make you cry before I write him off."
My mom says "You've been down lately honey.  Is everything okay?"
I start to perk up and think, You're right. I'm glad he's leaving.
Only a few more minutes.

I follow up with telling them that my psychic says I haven't met the love of my life yet.
I don't yet know the man I'll marry,
Which makes me feel better.
And then she says, "Have you seen her recently? How do you know?"
And I'm back to tallying the minutes left in my misery.

Its hard to remember that this pain will subside
That it will stop hurting so badly.
That I will stop thinking about you every moment of every day.

But then take me back to the flip side where things were perfect.
When we spent our first night together-
The build up,
The flirting,
The giggling-
To when we were finally in your bed, locked in each others arms
And you said to me, "This isn't going to be a one time thing."
Even then, I knew our time was limited.

I know eventually I will leave your bed permanently in the morning
To go back to my place.
And I know eventually my life will continue on without you in it.
Without our fingertips locked around each others.
But its hard to remember that
Its hard to want that.

And now you're leaving
And I so badly want to say the things
That you're not supposed to say to the guy you're fucking.
Will you ever talk to me again?
Can I still text you 24 hours a day?
Can I have your address?
Can I call you?
Do you want to call me?
Can we talk about doing more?
Can we talk about visiting?
I don't want to get a drink or coffee when I happen to be in town.
I want to visit for you.

But I'm afraid those are going to end things even quicker.
I know its going to end.  That's not the question.
I just want to hold out for as long as possible
With my fingers caught in your hair,
With your arm grasping my waist,
With our texts stretching late into the nights when we can't be together.

Maybe someday we'll meet in some city
And get that drink or coffee I want more than
And rekindle this flame (5 years?).
Maybe I'll text you one too many times
And you'll stop responding (6 months?).
Or maybe we'll meet other people
And forget about our short moment of bliss (1 year?).

Until then I will continue to tally how many minutes have passed
And I have left to suffer
Until something, someone, fills this aching hole
Until there is a happier ending.