I stood alone with eyes closed,
in the perfect view of the sky above,
generation swept below my feet,
waffle laugh filled the street,
they talked, without speaking,
they sang, without sharing,
empty, their soul filled with darkness.

Free are the doomed, the idle, the fallen,
for they are breathless, of this stagnate air.
I stood alone with my psyche open,
with quivering bones, and steady thoughts.
Flash of time, was catching my breadth,
ties of love, care and passion,
left behind under cloud of dust,
they say when your time is here,
you see the flash of your sins, mortal,
only, under the dark of my eyes shut,
i saw the face of my fallen love,
the reason of my life, the reason for my death.
I reached my arm to embrace,
i took the leap, into the space,
my face kissed by gust, my hair filled the dust,
the sky felt departed, as i inched the earth,
no cause to commend, no regrets to mend,
i feel free, i see my wings,
i feel young, i see the springs.
today i fly,
behind i leave is a lie,
heaven or hell i can't care much,
for freedom my heart clutch.
The world went quite as I hit the dirt,
the sweet pain seized my soul,
blood set free off my vein,
my last breath, drifted,
as it rose up to the blue.
I lay there cold, untied,
with a halo of blood.
Shattered, unwanted,
bordered by the living slaves,
silent screams bury the unwanted grin,
hollow prayers crucify the reaching hand,
in the end there was just me,
in my death, I am free.

I  watched you as you closed your eyes last night,
lying there unshaven. God help me it hurt
to think that this might stop,
that you might leave.
So inside me you are I fear
only bloodletting can ease
the pain.
Purge the emptiness and
accommodate the half- love
you bring to me.
Even that will do.
I feel its  warm, slow trickle
seeping slowly through my pores,
over invisible scars that wept daily.
I've made a space for you
in this torn ,twisted, broken
and bruised shell.
I doubt you notice though.
You will if you look at my eyes
and see the colour of my tears.
Watch the slow stream
of blood-red stain my
tortured face.

So last night
I whispered all of your dreams unprompted
I saw your jaw drop but I tried to conspicuously not pay attention;
I just liberated you from from a bar of twenty men all drooling
I fend them off and kept two of you entertained with only one of me
and the dreams of my dreamy elusive brother coworker or friend
I paid a lot of attention to the needs and dreams of your friend
But if I'm honest
even though I was making sure she was safe
cause that's what i do
I was looking at you and dreaming
I was staring straight into your eyes
looking straight into your soul
I don't have much of almost anything
but I can look deep down and see true
most people really don't believe it
and i don't blame them, why would you?
But there was a moment there
talking at the bar
when you were looking at me
like you loved me
more than anything
that had ever come or gone
and it was the briefest of moments
but i fucking swear i saw it
and it made me love you
with you dirty blond hair
and all of your compassionate let's just take care of my friend care
I mean, yes
Like i heard you
you have a boyfriend
you say it like it's means something
to someone like me
who's only ever always confronted with adversity

I have a back burner
for you
and all of your friends
and it's not like
im saying anything
it's honestly
a little bit
of everything
but mostly
and surprisingly so
a lack of interest
in anything intelligent or courageous
it's like the human race took 5
and was all over it
so yeah
can't ever really quite describe
what im looking for
what lights up the fire
what stokes the soul
behind my eyes
cause i'm a believer
and i believe most true
and i think im feeling something
maybe i love you

...I remember who talked to me all night about everything
about significant things great and small
tiny odd reccolecctions
everything her things my things your things all things fuck pretty much everything
That I answered or said without saying as things that are true
I might have lied
Because you started talking like my dreams...
I covered every base what the fuck do you want me to do?
You were so fucking cool
I think I met your friend
Only to meet you
or your boyfriend...
fuck i seriously hope that one ain't true but like I'm a buhhdist now and can't say
It's like you have never met a man who see's the future
A gingerbread man baked and burned in the oven for fun
Who got tortured for years into a smile that we all love
It's like we all take things so seriously instead of laughing and drinking
and hearing the endearing lunacy of our friends
fuck if we just took a minute to wait and pretend to understand all of that darkness we let lurk in
it would be like a circus show of light delivering all of us from the three ring thing of everything
that is bad
our own macabre circus of rejection, judgement, and humiliation for all of our kind. So when you are done with your boyfriend, fiance, husband, i know not yet; talk to me first before every voyage and adventure set in opposition just for the fuck of it.
but what you can't count on
is that i'm so much older and I've been around
I don't think you might know what it is like
to double down
over years and years
it's like you get a discount
on the odds
for multiples of five years
cause who really lasts that long?
maybe me
Maybe you.
but who knows
cause life is like a lotto taro hurricane
no sense to distribute the sad recompense
let's just fucking spend it before we pay
on all the debts we just made
and all of the futures that greyed out just fadet(ed)
that's the point of grey vistas
all the deals and the souls we just promised in casual relation to make it
We try to pretend
we're all samurai
noble sacrafice to budo
it's cool that i alone must die
but i think we all smell some bullshit
in the way and the feel of this philosophy
that tells us to fight it instead of accept it
so let's beware those wayward philosophies
that perhaps might be misguided
telling us that nothing matters
now
or anytime
as opposed to those that tell us
to simply love
all of those that surround us

Late at night when I
talk to you,
I can feel my fingers
quietly tapping my keyboard,
and every letter is filled
with expectations;
every word is a part of me,
moments of loving you
spill onto my screen and
you won't see anything
but a casual 'good night'
or a question about your day,
you won't notice the careful
punctuation or how every
letter was typed with consideration
and love and crushed dreams.
The beauty of the modern world
is that I can love you without
you ever knowing that your
words silently break my heart.

3:00 am returned with each rotation of the clock
insomnia far more loyal
then I ever was.
Bed sheets untangled
solitude appeared by the foot of my bed
replacing you with darkness haunting
faint echo of words ignored
trapped on lips
clinging to eye lids
never with a chance to cry
between me and the darkness
that merged in a perfect ratio.
And I'm wise enough to know that whoever said
time heals all wounds
must have been ignorant to the dagger of a love
I couldn't quite return.
And I saw you waiting with flowers
on my front porch every Friday
but my fingers grew restless of accepting the gift
as guilt pounded against my chest.
so I planted my own garden
but each flower still reminded me
of you.
And I'm sorry I'm not any good at making up my mind
or telling the truth
or loving the right people
at the right times
but close your eyes dear
I, like the sleepless nights
will eventually fade.

The Fool

The grass bows in respect as he passes,
A fool so very unruly,
Spits vengeful passion,
Sets the bowing grass on fire,
Destroying nature with his smile,
Raucous,
Lashing feelings,
Eyelashes flutter in mortified shame,
Curling of their own accord,
In harmony of discord!
Disputed by speech in truth!

Love songs live ,
Castigated fool,
This lyricist,
Chastised for lack of care,
Beaten down,
Darkened magic mind,
Riling by inspiring,
Cauldron bubbles,
Images evaporate,

Eternal gossamer magic,
This fool's a clever fool!
He is such unruly fool,
Will never admit it,
Uncool fool,
Will stand in attendance,
To whims and things,
Main retorts in nonchalance!
Founded in chalice,
Full,
This fool,
Well,
He's no village idiot!

By ladylivvi1

© 2013 ladylivvi1 (All rights reserved)

Sometimes a butterfly flaps its wings
and elsewhere someone gets wobbly knees,
because he is just about falling in love with anything.
He’s on the verge of tears and on the brink of bliss.
Now this could be a monk dreaming about transformation.
If so, I guess, he ate too many sticky sweets last night.
But the story goes further: At the very same moment
the butterfly leaves the flower and surrenders to the wind –
flabbergasted, the universe holds its breath:
Are its wings strong enough for the invisible force?
There, the monk wakes up with wobbly knees.
How courageous, one must admit.
And all of a sudden the monk has butterflies in his stomach.
Things get mixed up here, he thinks, and he tries
to fall asleep again – but (un)fortunately he can‘t.

I have nightmares every night.
I feel like I have become numb to the notion of fear.
The demons don't frighten me;
The ghouls don't startle me;
Death doesn't shake me.

But yet, I find myself now awake with tears streaming down my face.
I woke from the dream that frightens me most.
The dream that is a true reality that I live every single day.
I dreamed that I saw my love from a distance;
And that he would not knowledge my existence.
No grins peeking from the side of ones mouth,;
Not even a wonder form ones eyes.

You sat there as I stared at you
Silently begging for you to see me and end the pain.

I live my greatest fear every day.
The cold shoulder you give
Sends the dagger deeper into my heart.

At first,
Love was captivating.
a beckoning temptress
with lips whispering compliments
and desires and promises.

And then,
Love was unbridled.
a stallion galloping across terrain
the wind in his mane
vivacious and carefree.

At times,
Love was insecure.
spilling tears and confessions
fearing scorn or withdrawal
twisting with pain.

Of course,
Love was confident.
beaming with adoration:
ostentatious jubilance or
a quiet security.

Strangely,
Love was alone.
ripening and explorative
discovering the importance of
Self before other.


Perhaps there’s no one True set definition
and those who try
to grasp for dictionary restrictions
ultimately fail.