If you are looking to love me
please do not become me
because it is fact that I do not love me
I do not look at me with affection or see me
being a perfect parent
I do not wish to look at a reflection
day in and day out
of someone that is repulsive,
someone that makes me want to change me
and I hate waking up with that gut feeling,
the rush of knowing what I have become
and who I am and
I hate morning-me
and I hate afternoon-shy-me
I do not wish to be haunted by me and
I certainly wouldn't wish that
When our beloved leaves...
Sad ends our sharing
is the truth...
We love !
Only the receiver changes.
Spending time with them, they exude expansive love, now.
being held by a rusty cage no longer,
experiencing this world much more,
and feeling so much strong,
than I ever could have before you
before I was living,
in a dark world,
thought that I had nothing to offer,
until you came around
always thinking loneliness was my fate,
all day I'd do nothing but waste,
until you showed me that it's not too late,
and our love keeps me from hate
you scared away the demons,
that haunted my life,
now I am happily living,
with you by my side
and 2 and 4 are mine
dedicated to Manisha
Her bosom...so swollen....so full
Bulging beneath her blouse
Straining against her huge nursing bra
I long to suckle her deeply, till the end of time itself
Her nipples thicken....becoming so erect
She sighs deeply....her let-down gently washes over her
She smiles...guiding my hands as we unbutton her blouse
Her bosom takes my breath away
Her bulging cleavage qiuvers at my touch
I bury my face....my lust.... in her bosom
Savoring her womanhood
She unhooks a cup....her huge nipple weeping
Longing for my hunger
I suckle her deeply....lovingly....wantonly
Her warm milk, life's sweet nectar
Feeding my desire...feeding my love for her
My love for the warmth of her bosom
It's the end of freshman year.
My life still sucks.
My dad hates me.
He hates me.
She hates me.
I've lost many of my friends.
I still don't have a car.
I'm failing history.
I actually cleaned my room.
I've gained weight.
I still want to die.
I still cry about Him.
My legs are fat.
I can't trust anyone.
Fuck the world.
I hate love.
What is love?
It's always my fault.
Why do my parents hate me?
Why aren't I perfect?
I remember all my mistakes.
I'm a mistake.
Aren't we all mistakes?
I hate my life.
I'm not responsible.
I have 25 bucks.
I should go buy a candy bar.
But I will become even more fat.
Will starving myself help?
That's so gay.
I will become famous.
After I get rid of my depression.
Why doesn't He love me anymore?
Because I'm a bitch.
It's so beautiful outside.
So I'll stay locked away in my room.
Not like I have anyone to hang out with.
Why doesn't deodorant work?
I sweat to much.
My family is fucked up.
That includes me.
Is my heart even beating?
Or am I dead?
These are some of many things my depressed mind thinks.
When you first arrived at my house,
I could see that warm, humble smile,
You said I looked so beautiful,
I'd felt all the worth while.
I had a thousand butterflies in my stomach,
From how attractive you looked that night,
I could only lay back and smile,
As we start our endless flight.
When I saw over 100 people at your friend's house,
I honestly felt overwhelmed and surprised,
Because I didn't expect so many cameras and people,
Awkwardly saying our, "hello's and "goodbyes."
But they all went to a different school than I,
As I stood there alone,
We weren't even on the prom bus yet,
I was somewhat on my own.
But my lover stood beside me,
Still uncomforatable and not fully content,
Because I couldn't fake a smile,
They'd made a huge dent.
You introduced me to everyone,
But I felt so lost,
Though you were beside me,
There was more love than cost.
When you grinded on me,
I honestly felt exploited and turned off,
Because it wasn't like you at all,
A boy who's always humble and soft.
What happened that night?
We were dancing together but your eyes wandered away,
I saw in you your insecurities,
And I'm baffled to this day.
You didn't have to impress other people as much as you did,
Becuase I just wanted to have the greatest time with you,
Because junior prom only comes once a lifetime,
And I focused just on you.
Is it me?
Or is it you?
Is it us?
Is it true?
But you never left me that night...
I give you my thanks and love,
Its not your fault that it was awkward,
Two hearts glowing,
From up above.
They said we had it all
Middle American brats
bottom barrel aristocrats
we were told we were
left alone to wonder
the bland landscape
of our gated community
to stand in submission
in our lovely subdivision
When things changed
it was us they blamed
or the media
or the influence of the ghetto
so far away
but never did we stray
it all came to us
and that was OK
we wanted something more
then material things
Our parents were there
but never really there
not enough to care
though they thought they were
Asking random questions
drinking their cocktails of
white wine and Valium
telling us to turn down the volume
and what kind of shit
were we listening to today
telling us how music was better
back in their day
You gave us the world and in return
we shouldered all the blame
took the blame for all the pain
and were reminded daily of
how things could have been
how things should have been
if only you waited to have kids
And you wonder why we
f*ck and fight
stay up all night
become drunken fools at seventeen
just so we can change the routine
so we can feel alive by slowly dying
cigarette smoke and xanax bars
some percocet then drive our cars
to some place
where someone will tell us that
we are special and unique
beautiful as they touch our cheek
and make us feel human again
smart and talented
more then our cookie cutter
gated box of a life
we have been told since birth
we must carry on
We just want to feel alive
to feel that someone really knows us
from front and back
To feel that we are good enough
that its OK to be different
to feel different
and still know you will
love us just the same
and take back some of the blame
to hold us up so we don’t fall
and shatter like glass
from a child to a parent,
is that too much to ask?
one perfect summer day,
you met a girl who took your breath away.
one perfect summer day,
i met a knife who could take my life away.
this is why i can never love you completely.
you sunk into me like i was the deepest thing
you could bury yourself in while i
let my shallowness consume you.
i am not the one that you want.
i deserve to grow old without you.
you need every poem to be written about you.
i burnt the carnage of my heart years ago
your words are what will take me apart.
i gave you what little was left of me
and in return you gave me your lies.
we all have our delusions, my dear,
and you are mine, i fear.
I fall in
with your heartbeat,
the thrum-thrum-thrum of
your chest against mine
the pulsing whisper
that your lips leave
against my cheek
Never have I desired
anything more than to
curl up against you
fall asleep to that thrum-thrum-thrum
wake up to
It was on
--a stretch of time--
11pm and 12am
fractured moonlight spills across the silent lake
(like a glass of wine from a goblet made of
stars and the infidelity of millions of lovers.)
black and silver, gold and blood.
they will come for me soon.
they will come for all of us soon.
i was never a pretty face, more just a
i think tonight i'll run up stand up
(face all my fears)
tonight i will learn you didn't love before and
ignore my wanton tears.
and i was better off alone with my sadness and tea
rather than in your arms with my dreams of
the crystalised chandelier and my broken promises
as i sink like a stone in the sea.
oh my baby, my sweetheart, my dear,
i'm so sorry.
for you wished for love
and ended up with me.