what am I looking for
what have I lost that I cannot find
what is that incessant questioning in my head
wherewherewhere

but perhaps

could it be that
what I'm searching for
is a reason
whywhywhy

The only legend I ever loved is the story of a daughter lost in hell and found and rescued there. The best thing about this legend is I can enter anywhere.

Later I walked in a summer twilight searching for my daughter all the time. Winter was in store for every leaf and about time to fall off all the trees.

It is winter and stars are hidden. As I walk up the stairs I can see my child sleeping besides her magazines and a plate with uncut fruit, the pomegranate. She could have come home and been safe and ended the story of all.

Our heart broken searching but she reached out her hand and plucked a pomegranate. In the place of death at the heart of legend full of tears. The legend will be hers as well as mine, she will enter it.

She will wake up. She will hold the papery flashed skin in her hand and all I can say is nothing.

I did it again,
I lost a good friend,
I swore I would be nice,
Kindness from me just wouldn't suffice,
I hope you forgive me sincerely I do,
Because the only reason I'm here is to talk to you.

Well, i am back,
And i gotta new rap,
My dad, i've never seen him cry,
But today has been the first time,
He snapped an said he might be leavin,
Cause my mom, she the one who always pevein,
Tryin to make us to just what she wants,
We probably lost all of our aumbiance,
She makein us mad, and not takin the blame,
She think we gonna be played like a game,
We just the pawns, she is the queen,
But we done, we retaliate, we burst right through the seams,
She doesnt seem to care about our feelings,
She takes everything and makes it into HER dealings,
She thinks she controls how or wht we do,
But we all know, dont test 'you know who'.
Cause imma snap,
Straight to full atack,
Aim to kill,
Or get your fill,
Cause imma cold killer,
Cruel blood spiller,
And this is my plight,
So do u have the sight?
The sight to see,
Just whats in me,
The stuff of legends,
That i can tell you, dont come from the heavens,
Im not from the light, im from the dark,
On an adventure i have embarked,
Dont push me anymore, or i will snap,
Go on, lock the door, before i attack.

She believes in happy things
Invisible beings with fairy wings
Fluttery butterflies make her dance
An endless game of happenstance
Eyes of wonder, transparent soul
The world is cruel but she don't know...

She greets me with smiles from ear to ear
To hold her heart I solemnly swear
Gental touch sooth the soul
In her presence I turn to gold
She holds my restless heart at bay
As she executes her innocent ways...

Her plans get lost in the making
A pouty face when shes faking
Empty cups of invisible tea
Cartoon bandages when she bleeds
Shelfs filled with eyes that stare
She loves her tattered teddy bear...

Crayon drawling of sunny skies
She draws me with big wide eyes
Read me a story, she hands me a book
It's past her bed time but she gives me that look
I tuck her in and read her asleep
And pray my love she'll always keep...

(I think I've lost the ability to start things, so please forgive this poem for not having an attention grabbing genesis)
I've been twiddling my thumbs for almost eight months now
Putting off all that I care about
(And especially everything that I don't. Here's lookin' at you, AP World History)
Sitting around amassing a booklet of words to use in the future for novels and whatnot
But only using them in essays so I seem smarter than I am
(For example, susurrus means 'a whispering or rustling sound; a murmur')
Hoarding anything affiliated with Ben Folds because he makes me feel things on occasion
(I currently have 189 songs of his on my iTunes library; No one understands me.)
Making dick jokes at lunch while masking the thoughts of substance ricocheting around in my head
(Also your mom jokes because no one would think that you're crying internally about the uncertainty of the afterlife whilst making lewd stabs at their mother's integrity(and vagina. Ba dum tss.))
Apparently craving the lingering feel of another's touch
(I had a dream a few weeks back that Ben Folds licked my hand; My stomach folded (hahahah, folded) in on itself.)
Thinking that my feelings of misanthropy and apathy and everything else I can't find the words for yet are mine alone because everyone else is too stupid to have thought them themselves
(Even though I know that I'm not particularly special and I should stop being so elitist and stupid)

But I've finally found a light at the end of the table in the last place I'd expect--
(I meant to say tunnel, but hey, the source of said light does sit at my lunch table.)
A cherubic Presbyterian boy with an aversion to all things perverse,
(Which includes my sailor's tongue and occasional tendencies to want to put it on a member of my own sex, thought he doesn't know about that)
A spec of cleanliness on the grimy waistcoat of humanity who makes me want to be the best I can be
(Today when I saw him, I only swore once; I was very proud of myself)
But maybe I'm just jumping the gun
Because what would a good Christian boy want with a heathen like me who isn't even sure she believes in God?
Maybe his prolonged contingencies were merely contingent and I'm just overreacting because of my few and far between incidences of human contact.
(Seriously. Don't touch me.)
Maybe I just want someone to talk to for hours about everything and nothing at all.
(What with me being relatively antisocial, it's hard to find people with similar mindsets.)
Maybe I just want someone to funnel my adolescent attention to
(Because teen movies have taught me that one obviously can't be happy without having a crush on someone at any given time.)
Or maybe it's just because the way the Bible quote on the back of his t-shirt conflicted so humorously with the way he shook his hips to a J-Lo song on "Just Dance."
(Seriously, though, it was hilarious. I was dying.)
Or the way our fingers brushed when we were catching frogs
Or the way he blushed when I stepped out in my bikini
(I went to a pool party today.)
Or the way he held me momentarily in the delirious confusion of the flashing strobe lights
Or the way he got one point higher on his research paper than me a month ago
(He was excited; I was upset.)
Or the way that he does everything nearly to perfection.
I could go on..
But I don't know.
Maybe I'll get over him in a week and slip back into myself.
Because, like I said, what would a good Christian boy want with a heathen like me?

In fair Verona where Will set the scene
Belle Fortune moves the markers up and down.
Two households both alike in dignity
Fiercely compete for fear of losing ground.

When Juliet saw Romeo at the dance
Events were set in motion that, perchance,
Would see fair Juliet as our Romeo’s bride
but ultimately result in her suicide.

With Tybalt and Mercutio both dead,
And Capulet and Montague estranged.
Young Paris sought fair Juliet to wed
not knowing of her loss of maiden-head.

Romeo was banished for his crime,
a sin for which a peasant would have died
Their two households, joined because they wed,
remained divided by their foolish pride.

Summer’s fierce heat shimmered in the air,
oppressive in the absence of a breeze.
With Friar Lawrence’s help, Romeo’s girl played dead,
as if struck down by some unknown disease


Romeo , in Mantua, heard that his Juliet
Lay dead amongst the sleeping Capulets.
A draught of deadly poison he obtained
So they might sleep together once again.

When Romeo met Paris at her tomb,
Words led to swordplay, leaving Paris dead.
Would not the world have been a better place
if Romeo had kept it sheathed instead?

Unshriven, Romeo drank the poison down-
the only son of Montague now dead.
Perchance just then fair Juliet revives
Bereaved, she took his Dirk to bed instead.

Authorities, arriving at the scene,
could only mourn a brace of kinsmen lost.
Capulet and Montague were reconciled
Their amity bought at a fearful cost.

The evening was awake full of history
wind pressing against warm skin
reminding us
that forgetting would be too long
and


we didn't have a sail
or a boat
or more importantly an anchor
to remove or ground us in this swelling sea


I looked over your head wishing for sunlight
so we could go back to yesterday and the day before

so that maybe we would have never yelled so loudly
on the train tracks
watching humanity tear itself apart
on each side of us

we got lost in that
we lost everything we said we never would
and now these buildings aren't our friends
and their structure is pushing us out like gates

and soon,
I'll become a stranger to another town
walking without your shadow underneath empty street lights
talking to the moon about things only you heard
about why I thought the world is ending
and how I planned on

surviving
(your hand helped the most)

tonight we said goodbye in tangled fists and heartbeats
tonight I shed away the secrecy of humming words I told you while you were sleeping
far away dreaming of me
I grabbed you like it was the last time, the way I always meant to hold you

tonight I sang to you in years
locked behind eyes you so swore chambered the sun
(on couches and floors)
watching you circle around me
like the earth
steady in your footsteps
in cold spring winds

waiting..

but Im already in Portland missing you
walking streets and counting trees I wish I could show you
because you're not here
where I think I need you

Im already reading your book about the sand
and imaging the way you smile in the desert

tickling scars you gave me on a bed
wasted wine and razor blades
(now twisted like metallic woven thread pink and past)

Lucky You ,I tongued my lips
(felt those)

parted teeth
(jesus christ)

that red rust

pain killing love
love killing pain
(circling)

fuck the way you made my thighs sweat

but,
your arms are tied around me now
and Im promising myself I won't forget
amongst the screaming silent trees

your heart is beating faster..


but,
rest assured..
'your emotions are heavy,
I'll keep them inside my chest'

wait for me

ive gone away

to some unknown place

purple night dims dark
for me

have i lost my humanity?

"here, take this pill," you say
"it'll make you better"

but pills get lodged in my
throat
tonsils swollen

i choke i choke
on
purple nights

wait for me
thats all i ask

so we can go together
down unlit paths