It's so still
No Silence in no sound
Apathetic masks are torn asunder
I can't hide the pressure I'm under
Stonefaced burdens
Too much to bear

I'd kill for joy
I'm fucking for love
We war for peace
Backward doublethink of the scatterbrained
Driving me insane

It all seems so hopeless
Fatalism chisled into my face
I scream for justice
You order me cake
Are we all so faithless?

materialism means so little
for the bankrupt soul so brittle
You see it in my eyes
I hear it when I cry

The emperor has no clothes
Nobodys home
Markets empty
We believe the big lies
To stay alive

this is me being
angry
bitter
appalled
and disgusted with
humanity
men give children
guns
before they
learn the alphabet,
they're learning
how to put a bullet
into someone's
head.
They'll learn about the
color red
because their skin will be splattered
with it.
little children
with needles shoved up their arms
a drug for the mind
making the killing no harm
brain wash brain wash
that's all
young minds
are so impressionable
they don't ask why
"why did i kill my mommy
why did i watch my family die?"
so many of us
don't know
we just don't know

You tell me that I am young
That life has merely licked me, not stung
That I do not understand, that I have not yet lived
Enough to grasp the substance

I have known disease
Slow tears, muted pleas
Pain that nothing could appease
I have known the smell of hospitals for summers
The beeping and slurping of machine in massive numbers

I have spoken to voiceless loved ones,
Loved ones with teethless mouths and twisted tongues
Distorted jaws and wheezing lungs.
We have spoken with little green charts
And broken hearts
From the inability to connect the mouth to the thoughts in the head
And I left without understanding,
What they had said
Because I eventually had to let it go
(I still don't know)

I have spent countless summer nights
In nature’s garb, floating silently in a river
So warm that my limbs, skimming the surface, didn't shiver
Under a clear sky, the stars like paradisiac lights
Without anyone ever finding out
About these wild and primal escapades

I've drank, I've smoked
I have burned my throat
With coarse lemon gin
Until I could no longer feel my skin.

I have been frightened
Yes I have felt fear, like a noose around my throat being tightened
Like a gruesome black crow, perched on my shoulder
I have often awoken affright at night,
Longing, praying, for the morning light
I have felt fear, wild, fierce and turbulent fear
More than anyone will everyone will ever know
By men, by life, by myself
Desolate under the sheets, like a forsaken toy
All by myself

I have seen Paris in the rain
Traveled the French countryside by train
I've woken up to New York window views
And seen New Orleans afternoons, filled with heat and blues.
I've swam the Mexican Baja waters, turquoise and clear
With snakes as sharp as spears

I have known humiliation
Causing my cheeks to turn carnation
A spoon, emptying my insides out
Like a gourd

I have loved
I have known the aching pain of a swelled heart
And the way it can tear you apart
I have gushed torrents upon my pillows and sleeves
Tears running down my chin like guilty thieves
From a lit-up house

I have known death, and grief
The meaning of "never"
Whimpering in the school bathroom
And cold, lonely nights

I have seen the works of Van Gogh, Mondrian, and Miro,
Modigliani, Cezanne, and Frida Kahlo
Of Monet, Gauguin, Matisse, Magritte, and Picasso
I have wandered through hallways of masterpieces
Holding tight to my grandmother's hand
And I have wept shamelessly for joy
Before Degas's La classe de danse

I have been diagnosed
I have undergone computer programs designed to shift my brain, to better it
To get me to be normal, to submit
I have had brain-altering medicine shoved down my throat,
Like stuffing a goose,
To make my brain run a little less loose
And I have submitted and gotten use to my brain being altered.

I have had kisses that were mere trifles
Frivolous, yet fierce and acute like shots from a rifle
Lips of mere flesh, not sweet godly nectar
And gazes that meant everything
That seemed to connect with an invisible yet indestructible string
Iris like distant galaxies and pupils twinkling like black jewels
Eyes that seemed enkindled by some ethereal fuel
Speaking of emotions far too secluded, cryptic and cluttered
To be worded and uttered

I know the way in which violence resides
Not in commotion, brusqueness, nor physical harm
But in silence
In the time that covers pain and secrets
In the slow impossibility of trust
In the way that some secrets become inconceivable to tell, time has so covered them in rust
In that dull, dismal ache
In all that is doomed to remain forever opaque.

I have read, for pleasure,
The works of Balzac, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck, and Voltaire
Of Bobin, Gaude, and Baudelaire
Of Flaubert, Hemingway
and good old Bradbury, Ray
Émile Zola,  Primo Levi
Moliere, Rousseau, and Bukowski
I have read, and loved, and understood

I have known insomnia
The way a beach knows the tides
Sleepless nights of convulsive, feverish panic, of clutching my sides,
Of silent hysteria and salty terror.
I know what happens at night, when sweet slumber seems so far away
The worries and woes seem to multiply and swell in hopeless disarray
My lips grow pale, my eye grow sunken
As a time ticks by, tomorrow darkens




I have witnessed horror
In the form of a blue body bag
Being rolled out with a squeaking drag
By two yellow-vested men
With apologetic eyes
That seemed to say "Oh god
We're so sorry you had to see that
Please, please
Go home
And try to forget"

But you are right
I am still just a child
Naive, innocent, and pure
I have known nothing dark or obscure
I have not yet lived.

My dear, it rained last night
And I remember
The alleviated rise into
Lush sobs and lavish emotions
The way your dilatation relieves
Every worry and anxiety
But sometimes when we speak
A violent lie radiates
And last night you were naught
But an alienated virile sot
A view unholy I omit
I remember the tin roses on the tiles
Devastated, shattered.

Sometimes you hum
Your hands delicately miming secret memos
And I can see it in your eyes
Irises shining like teal devils
And the music carries you
White with adrenaline, pupils likes violists
Headwaiters lie, strumming tin violins
Their  alienated visions wilted with passion

I see the way she cleverly conceals
Lies as vows to you
A veil called "us" she puts on "me"
And I call for mutiny
But youth is vim, vim is now, and now is lies
Every hug from you is just a violet whim
In noisy rooms
My vision is misty
My aura dies little,

Oh if only you could realize your reign
You’re the master, the ringleader
But you’re lazy; you work without zeal, you’re idle and lazy
Eyes glazed, agile hands getting greedier

Have you ever seen
A dearer lion?
He roared, the lonesome rider
Alone, an alien.
Well sometimes you lie
And I dare to become
An oral denier
My radar detects one lie,
Then two...
You become red
Redder than a bloody lion's ear

Adieu, you say, with a gently undefined lilt
My tears speak more reality than your words

Desires and dreams suffocating from the multitude of tightened nooses
Liars yell screams awaiting actions to ebb and let flow my creative juices
Fires up streams sinking ships and their teams burning all of their uses
Flyers and schemes left in the wake with the sinking list of all the excuses

Before you let go, you better recalibrate your aim
Who do you know, if you miss, can take the blame
Confront status quo, hide from your parent's shame
A stunt, try an grow, from a wildfire's blazing flame

Comme si comme sa
The grey area that I breathe
A snow print of a paw
Life's Purpose I must seethe

Lying out somewhere in the far off distance
Dying slow and numb with little resistance
Eyeing thee mortal setting sun's persistance
Vying for a final answer to human's existence

i know that one day you will slip away from me and you will be calling out my name
far off into the distance and i will be somewhere else in the world. i just hope you are not mad at me
because i can not take this pain from you that you caused me in so little time. when your gone.....
i wanna see your face one last time before you go into the light and up to heaven. i don't anymore what to do when your gone. i will miss you my dear beloved friend with this shattered heart of mine i just hope happy i luv you and goodbye.

little beat mixin blue girl
Spin me a track and twirl
Sing and play and mix and burn
Hike your skirt a little and show
Me your version of the world

Unwrap this enigmatic electro soul mystery layered on tracks deep with unknown history

try to add a little sanity
but it sure is a lonely job
in a world where all is vanity
and emotion rises and bobs
thought is a solid thing
this world is way too sizeable
a speck of eternity’s wing
an’ nothing  be recognizable

try to add a little sanity
but it sure is a lonely job
in a world where all is vanity
and emotion rises and bobs
thought is a solid thing
this world is way too sizeable
a speck of eternity’s wing
an’ nothing  be recognizable

(this is a spoken word poem, the entirety of which is intended to be read with a single breath.  understanding that we cannot all do this, i have not broken it up into verses or any form at all so that, hopefully, as you stream through it you don't stop - thanks!)


but if you're listening...

just beyond the fog of dreaming in your presence
so connected to the gravity of rainy days in a bed
that i was in so frequently it almost belonged to me
january blew icicles into me punching holes where
all the warmth leaked out weeks ago you once told
me its the people you break that know you the best
somewhere you had kissed me long as if i belonged
spouting your black coffee monologues on street
corners never caring to remove a cigarette from
your mouth like a painting dirty with reality
been waiting all my life just to worry about now
can it just wait can it all go away the rain stains
dance out there like the asphalt has turned to
water breaking my heart to wake from dreams
of you refusing to rise from my place of waiting
straining to hear the echo remnant melody of a
song you never sang pretending  you are here to
make this hole feel a little smaller some authority to
my heart you hold you're out of reach beyond my
senses leaving your imprints like scars suffocating
in your silence the empty quiet periods of my life
you leave and without accepting

...i grieve