The moment he rejected you the first time
I saw a little part of you break
like the ice in your eyes were melted with a self destructive hate fire
burning dangerously with the unrequited desire
for his love.
I want to tell you you're perfect
I want to tell you you're perfect
On the times he moved closer to you at the lunch table
I saw the way your body stiffened
I could see the mental checklist being ticked
a grocery list of the things that you wanted
the things you thought he needed.
You're already perfect
You're already perfect
He fluttered your heart with his smile
making you realize that this spell he put you under isn't temporary
no matter how many times he knocks you down.
Where other girls want to undress him with their eyes
to see the chiseled swimmers body armor created from
years of waking up before sunlight
all you want is to strip the armor from his skin
to see if what lies underneath the charm
is really as soft and sweet as it is in your dreams.
The day he asked out another girl in front of you
you tell me you need a friend
you say you don't even know how to stop crying
and that choking back tears is causing you to choke out the words
"it's killing me"
you tell me that you feel so pointless
but you're infinitely perfect to me
so I make sure that you know how pointless he is too
and that if he can't even see through his glasses to realize how beautiful you are
then he might as well be as blind as a bat.
even though you say your importance can be rationed out in teaspoons
I tell you that no amount of measuring cups could ever measure how much you mean to me
I say that your shine is like the one light in powerless city
gifting those in the dark with the wonders of your intelligence
and with the beauty of the way in which you look at the world
I want you to know that you're perfect
I want to tell you I'm sorry
I'm sorry for not noticing all the times that your lip was white beneath your teeth
or the way your eyes stung from the acidity of rejection
causing tears to form around the red insides of your eyelids
I'm sorry I wasn't there to wipe the tears off your face like I always promised I'd be.
I want to tell you you're perfect.
I want you to know that putting layers of make up on your face
makes him fall in love with a copy of every unoriginal
girl he's ever dated but you
you are not a copy
you are not unoriginal
you are a story
you are amazing
and you should never let your self feel like any less.
A boy caught up in christmas wishin
a stocking full of guns and ammunition
another year of hopeless tradition
another child with a bloody ambition
little girl also has christmas wishes
plastic barbie dolls for the little misses
with a porsche and so many riches
another child who is false ambitious
Years from now you won’t remember,
But I will,
Your face a cherub halo glow,
6 candles for all your years.
We sang that song,
And you didn’t really get the joke,
Too eager for cake I suppose.
We told you to blow
Make a wish we said,
And you turned that head,
When we hushed you and
That you not say it aloud.
For wishes said aloud don't ever come true.
I don't know who came up with that bollocks,
I know more than one person (2)
Who wished for you.
At 6 you made more sense
than the 100 other years
In the room with you.
If we all said our wishes aloud
Just maybe, they'd come true
With a little more frequency.
Than once a year.
I know you will (we all do)
But never stop stopping to ask,
Questions like you did that day.
Only you are only you,
And we can't wish for anymore than that.
This poem has been a long time in the making and I still feel that it's too soon to write. I feel like you don't deserve so much of my time and my thoughts. But something deep inside of me knows that this is for me and not you. And I like me more than I hate you, so I'll be uncomfortable and discuss you for as long as it takes to heal me.
How can someone as shit as you ruin my life? So weak and so young. Owner of nothing but ruler of all.
It hurts my pride so bad to even acknowledge that a person as minuscule as you could rearrange my everything. How could I had been so inferior to the likes of...
It makes me so mad to admit that I am afraid of you. Words that my lips will never utter, a thought that my mind 'force closes' every time, the words that my pen refuses to write
I am afraid of you.
So hard to accept that you are stronger than me
I've never known anything so evil
I've never known anything more terrifying than the feeling I feel when confronted by you. Just your presence. Stand alone. Is enough to make me want to run away. To a world safe from you. So that's what I do.
I run and I run and now I'm somewhere foreign. Depriving myself of the things I love to protect myself from you.
When you punched our sister in the mouth and I watched her rip her lip off of her teeth. I died inside.
Literally slipping in her own blood trying to wrestle you off.
Why did you do that?
Where did you learn that?
How did I not know you were capable of that?
How are you capable of that?
Someone so close to me. Became a monster. Slowly, yeah. But still I wasn't ready for that. Wasnt expecting that. Never saw that coming.
It felt like it was all a dream. Still hoping today that maybe it was.
And your lack of remorse keeps my hate for you fiery.
"CALL THE POLICE, BITCH. AND WHEN I GET OUT OF JAIL IMMA BEAT YO ASS AGAIN!" chills tears (This is a part of the process, Domonique. Let it happen. Swallow the lump in your throat. Keep writing)
If I close my eyes I can hear you so clear. I'm there again. Scared. Shaking. Knife in my hand. Knowing deep down I wasn't bold enough to kill you.
And you knew it too.
When she was bleeding everywhere and I stood there too shocked to move. And you pushed me. And mom screamed. And Ravyn cried.
Why would you do that?
I never thought.
I watched my sister try and recover while I just got worse.
To watch her cry every day from excruciating pain as I fed her through a cracked jaw.
It stung so bad that she would refuse to eat.
It stung so bad. And as for Me and My soul. Stung the fuck up.
I cried all the time. To see someone you love plagued with a hurt body and hurt pride is too much for the strongest of us. Wishing I could halve the pain: when we were little girls we halved everything.
But I couldn't.
Never felt so helpless, so useless.
Sleeping in a tiny 2bedroom apartment, living out of boxes. Just wanting my sister to be okay.
Missing my mama. From living with her all my life to not even seeing her everyday.
It was so hard.
And meanwhile I had to go to school, harboring all of this pain.
Never discussing the imminent details.
Rare for a person as vocal as me.
Trying hard to never think of it.
My grades suffered bad, but not as bad as me.
You can imagine how little an equation or a metaphor meant. Absolutely nothing. Because life had just taught me something that academia wouldn't even believe.
This. This is so hard for me to relive.
So I'll stop here. I have to stop here. And when I'm ready. I'll come back and finish.
But this is big. Really really big. Because I promised to never 'go there'. But here I am. And maybe I'll regret it later. And I'll probably never be mentally prepared to read it again.
It's really no fun dealing with repressed memories.
As minds expand and bodies grow old,
Time stands still and the story unfolds -
Of cosmic chance and wicked dance,
The winds of light bow and blow
With clocks turning hands,
Illusion grabs hold
And hearts behold -
What is that which makes up a lifetime?
In the lands of snakes and vines
Life echos the truths of chance
Opportunity laughs aloud,
Inside the empty halls of mind.
The sun circles itself madly,
Searching for a reason,
But reason stands afar laughing,
Holding schizophrenia as a charm
And the wounds of war as gems.
Reason baffles the logic,
Of Jesus freaks and scientists alike.
Reason scares children
Like the very notion of having to die.
But of all the ages that reason has stood apart
From the existence that it is reasoning for,
Reason has been proud of its complexity -
An endless enigma for inquiring minds.
Reason’s ego is the size of the universe,
And one can only laugh drunkenly
At the pathetic excuse for hiding
For reason is within itself,
As clear as glass or rain -
It shines its love through seasons
And galaxies and prophets -
It shares itself through music and drugs
It reaps nothing but folly -
Evolved from boredom on the astral plane.
Reason is but a word, for something that speaks no sound
The word is a name for that which holds no form
The word is as fleeting as time
Like youth gone old, or the old gone young -
Life is far too short to find a reason
So why not have a little fun?
Madness is nothing short of genius -
Altered perspective on insanity of Man,
And comprehension of the absurd reality
That persists in the world of form.
Madness is a celebration of life.
As the clouds rain from above,
In a ballet of syncopated Nature -
Rhythm in scenery -
Desert home to thoughts -
Seeing through a lens of truth
Out to the illusory fleeting center of experience
Laugh, laugh, laugh - for laughing is all there is to do.
Nothing is more serious than anything else.
ive been up all night
playing this over in my head.
i had a good day.
i hadn't thought about you once.
but then i looked up.
you turned the corner,
i turned red.
the hair on my body stood up.
i wanted to scream
or punch you right in the jaw.
i watched you notice me.
the corner of your mouth crept up,
you looked me up and down.
you were taunting me.
i think you laughed a little.
i swear i could read your mind in that moment.
"ha, i broke you.
i can see it all over your face."
he looked at me
as if i were in a million tiny pieces
or my skin was melting
making a mess on this floor
right underneath the both of us.
and you were gone
before i even knew how i felt about it.
but that's how it always went, anyways.
A feeling of glass shards running deep through your veins;
A Metaphor For Love
when my words come together like glue on paper it is razors cutting my tongue
it is blood trailing these ceramic floors
and i must apologize,
for my mind is coming undone and I know
how silly these things can be,
how love can make you teach a grown man about the way his eyes stump you every single time with a feeling running so deep you felt every bone in your body ignite before they broke into infinite little pieces
And did you know dear
That I loved you
did you know
what loneliness could do?
And you aren't here anymore dear
you left you sweater on the kitchen table and went straight for the door that day
I shut the blinds and shed my skin and waited for the end of May
and i only wish that by August
I'll be able to wake up
to the sun shining a warmth that only you could have given me
that you never gave me
and If you only knew
how I attempted to steal that warmth
when I tried to tear out the thorns in your side
and wear them as my own
even though I knew better
than to walk around bearing someone elses pain
I could not help but think-
it must be terribly unnerving to be cared for by a poet, to think of all the times they stay up late writing metaphors for your skin and how Words Aren't Enough
How I wasn't enough
Maybe we should take a little bit better
Of each other.
Of our Friends.
The people that make up our lives.
The people whom we are in the life of.
Maybe we should ask
The questions that need to be said.
The difficult task that must be done.
Ask the hardest questions.
How are you? Not today but every moment! Are you happy?
How are you feeling, will you get out of bed today.
Want to go out with me?
Maybe we should tell them
What we really think.
I love you/I like you/I can not get enough of you.
Your eyes, your beauty, Makes my insides melt.
Your hugs I don't want to let go.
Maybe we should share
Our own life stories.
Our own defeats.
Maybe we should relax for
One more second.
One more breath.
One more word.
One more glance.
Care a little bit more...
Baby girl you keep makin an effort, but no one makes an effort on you.
Maybe you should just keep to yourself and follow through,
On every little promise you made to your mother, and father, your brother and sisters.
I’m sorry but he won’t be coming to save you.
And I know how scary it is.
And I’m sorry. I want it so that every one of those little cuts and scratches are kissed away.
Better yet. Let me tell you how infinitely precious you are to Our Father.
And how as true as the day is long,
And as pure as the night is dark,
You are lovely.
And this too shall pass.
Funny the things we recall.
Images that flash through our brain.
Some most vivid for me were of an old man.
Skin like creased parchment paper,
Lined and yellowed with age.
The veins visible just below the surface,
of a thin near transparent covering.
Liver spotted flecks of red,
Charted paths of years of toil,
Palms callused forever from a life time of labor.
Big fingers knotted and misshapen,
The two inch tip of one gone missing,
Saw taken, at age sixteen.
Looking at those old hands, one could hardly guess
That still there remained gentleness in their caress.
For an old dog, or a little grandson in need of some
Companionable affection or parental love.
Those aged hands could also make things,
Toy sailboats, and wooden trains,
complete with caboose.
A cool flute whistle that actually worked,
He said it was like the Indian’s used out Oklahoma way.
And he would know, he'd cowboyed there.
His hands taught me to tie my shoes,
Open and close my first pocket knife.
Those same hands could become birds,
rabbits, butterfly's, all sorts of things.
When projected up on the wall,
Silhouetted by a naked back light.
His hands knew magic too,
Could pick silver coins right out of my ears.
His tired face matched his hands,
visual weathered, creased and
wrinkled road maps,
Of 89 years of rugged life traveled.
Yet, his lively pale green eyes remained
forever fraudulently youthful prisms,
Eyes and spirit of a much younger man within.
But it is his hands most of all I shall remember,
Their imposing look and their reassuring
touch of tenderness.
I shall never forget my Grandfather’s hands.