the day races to extinction
and as the shadows dominate
the last few warm rays
become lambent on the abnormal insight
that has grown within me as
the day has grown long
she had no face
she had no presence in the air
no name or written word to leave behind
yet here she is
a mere ghost image between the dark sheets
of the rainstorm
as she has for may years
just watching silently
the scratching noises of the pen in my hand
replaces the wind-song of summer day with harsh tones
yet it brings my thoughts to distant woodland lake
that was my escape from the years that i spent in the
company of the lesser misbegotten
that lake and the my time there
was unchanged and seems remote in my vision
from the turmoil of my winterbound soul
plundering my forward motion for the energy to cope
with the passing thoughts like carnivals of flesh
obscene visions of naked truth
unrestrained by years of devoted hiding
i am unable to grasp any other path
than to become like her
a shadow obscured in the
in the rainstorm
a fleeting vision
in the passing hours
She
(my mother
is not of softness but is of steel reinforced concrete.
she will give what she feels is deserved.
nevermore {beg if you like}
neverless
regardless of the cost to herself.
. . but deep, deep
as fair as rock is she.
her greetings are tolerations. her goodbyes, predictions
- of my forseen failures.
. . still i seem to remember . .
a
* glimmer *
of a laugh, a
~whisper~
of a touch so
very
long
ago . . /
perhaps one day as she lies resting I will take my mothers hand
and kiss her upon her marble forehead
and speak "I love you mom"
and a single tear will drop from my face
onto her face
. . . and the coldness within her will bre-
-ak
and my mother will break.
...on this Saturday afternoon there is a street fair in Greenwich,
You step off the 1 train at Christopher Street station and all along 7th Avenue,
the little sidestreets, Bowery, Commerce, give me that old Dutch sensibility
Street vendors and street people eating, laughing, trying on five dollar leather clogs
On a day that is slightly drizzling, we pause to consider the trees
In a flash I understand the world you come from when you say you normally stay on the East side of Lower Manhattan, you start counting the colors on the street and ask where all the Spanish people at?
there is this reversal, a turnaround, a recognition in me that binds me to you, when I realize you can teach me how to be young and dance with my hips, when I know that you can give me what I've craved for so long, freedom-the opportunity to face all my fears- and the chance to be a wild thing. I am nineteen, for the love of God, and I never got the chance to rage and abandon all cerebral intelligence and just live in the realm of the senses! But for now, I'll settle for to know myself better and to live without apology-but of course, there is a certain fear with taking that step and giving all of myself to you.
Yet I find myself considering it as we walked with your arm around my shoulders and my hands on an eight dollar bag of Swedish candy. I know you know the effect you have on people, other women especially, I see the way they eat you up with their eyes. But then again I'm only beginning to notice the same kind of attention from men as I walk down the street-though I owe that to you too, giving me enough confidence in my body-to sway a little bit more.
And the fact that you repeat thoughts and ideas that have been constantly looping in my own mind makes me believe we are on the same wavelength. Like when the lights suddenly flickered off on the train and you glanced up at me and said how much you love it when that happens? Goddamn, it sent my head spinning.
And now we are together, supposedly. But of course I always keep in the back of my mind the possibility that everything you are is a lie and you could wake up one day and say I don't want you anymore and just walk out my life with both hands in your pockets.
If that happened now, I could say fuck you and move on.
But if I love you the way I want to love you and the way I long to be loved, all of that mind body spirit crap, a piece of me would just break and float away forever.
I guess that's a risk I might have to take one day, and I find myself considering it as we race each other to get burritos and later on I flick some water in your face and you just stare at me with a faint smile on your lips. So, at this moment, I am too much with you. It scares me when I think of what I might feel for you, and so I am on the edge of a precipice here-wondering whether or not to run with you.
Running at sunset
To escape impending darkness
Hopes of relief tied in like my laces
But Pausing
for a moment
To appreciate the sun’s final show of brilliance
Before I can only see it in the mirror
Like roadkill that we sped past in the desert
Not the way you touch my hand so lightly as you speak.
Not the way your eyes ooze into my will.
Oh no, Not that.
Not the way you breath so softly as you sleep.
I cozy up to your face on the pillow savor every breath.
Silently I yearn to share every essence of you.
Not your mouth.your lips that quiver with anticipation
as I draw you close to me. a preamble of what is to be
unspeakable pleasure your eyes twin abysses.
Oh no. Please speak a word. any word.
Now my darling for every whisper is a symphony.
a treasure like no other.Each more priceless than the other.
Your hands were made to hold my heart forever and no other.
Slender fingers serpentine. to slither and caress. Oh sweetheart
My love My dearest your hips they sway a pulsing rhythm that I can
hear, a bossa nova.Cool and warm is your charm.
Have I not loved before?
No.
Clearly,This way is like no other.
I lay awake on endless nights and shudder.
Wipe the silent tears away.Mourn the day
when I have lost your way to another.
I do so love you.
In the morning I help her gather her things
With clothes everywhere
Where's the underwear?
Ibuprofen please and coffee
I'm going to bruise
But I like what you do to me
Sorry no
The coffee makers broken
I'm all out of ibuprofen
It's getting late don't you think
Try Starbucks, it's probably open
Almost always your place not mine
So I can quietly leave early
But I'm not the callous type
I just can't fuck so hard for love and fail
Wake up and pretend it's alright
So thanks for spending the night
We're not bad people just real
Let's hug and kiss and lie
Say it was great
How do you feel?
I don't love my body.
But I love my body with yours.
I don't love the rain.
But I love the rain as it drips from your bottom lip.
I have memorized you,
And I know you.
And like this you know me.
I know every inch of your skin.
Every scrape and scar.
I know what hurts you,
For what hurts you, hurts me.
I want to hurt when you hurt,
I want to cry when you cry.
And laugh when you laugh.
Then hold our breath together.
I want to inhale your exhale.
And give everything to you.
I want to look at you forever,
The way you look at me.
I want to hold your face in my hands,
The way you hold me together everyday.
You are my keeper.
Keep me well.
And everyday ill keep your heart,
Inside my heart.
I love you from its deepest depths,
And from its highest heights.
When you walk, I walk.
My footprint fits in yours.
What fills me is you.
What kills me is you.
My heart, My keeper, My love.
Staring upwards towards the void of eternal blessings
In disguise
The angel behind the s&m mask
Just wants you to feel out the sacred nature of your transgressions
Liberation lashes
Tearing a hole in the sky
Teasing out the idea of turning you on
You were already lit up
igniting fire to my loins
Illumination everything
switch
You came in the dark and left marks
Bruising my ego to dismantle itself
You held me down like sleep paralysis
Demanding my soul to sacrifice itself to the moon
Watching with pleasure
You were the shadows in my room
Dancing the divine candlelight
A cuckold of my imagination
as I took it lying down
3 cheers
3 chants
3 times
Go down
Descend on me
Goddess archetype
Well the words are there . The way you look out from behind your hair
Tells me confusion swirls. In your mind there is a thing awaiting to. Be set free. My heart aches for you and for me.
But then what was our recipe
Blind youth meets heart hungry traveler.
The great unraveler pulled his pound of flesh from the rotting carcass of our indiscretions, the glaring foil of me to the twisted open ended question named you then. now.
what has changed but the economy and the weather Still together like
carcass and coffin.
Playing blind man's bluff what tawdry stuff and you to boot.
A pathology in pumps.
tipping through life
somebody elses wife.
Electric Wonder.
Exciting Beauty.
The girl with the smile.
The perfect storm.
Wonderful. Just. Wonderful.
Skinny Love.
Aren't we a shy pair? The names
you use to describe me to others are cute indeed
but I'd like them better if you used them with me.
I'm more than Lauren, your friend from school.
I'm the electric wonder who you deemed "too cool"
to pursue back in eighth grade. So you sat back like a
fool and let me get my heart broken by a boy who didn't care.
I forgive you though,
my friend,
because you were there when he let me down.
And it was your hug that I'd wished had been his all along.
And back in tenth grade when another stood me up,
it was you, skinny love, who picked me up. From a
lonely cold night outside the movies. It was you,
my friend,
who took me out for ice cream and it was you,
my friend,
who told me he wasn't worth the trouble.
In tenth grade you deemed me an exciting beauty who
could never fall for a man like you. But all along it was
your hand I wished had been holding mine.
And my senior year when we parted ways,
and we reminisced about the days we had
you had a look on your face. Like there was something
you just had to say. But instead,
my friend,
you told me you'd miss me when I was at college
and nothing more. You made me the girl with the smile
that ignited the light in your heart but you did not tell me.
You let me go. And I never let you know that I wish it had
been you in school who I called my own.
Summer after I came home from my first year away,
you said I had changed. I had purple in my hair
and the care I once had of the opinions of others was
gone. We spent weeks together, like nothing had changed.
And when I cried because I had to leave you again you
were the one,
my friend,
who calmed my fears and promised to visit
once you'd moved in.
I was your perfect storm of grace and tragedy.
And it was you,
my friend,
who I wanted to share every moment with
during those warm summer nights.
Sophomore year you brought me to a party. I
didn't know anyone and your friends were rude.
And when I wanted to leave and never come back it was you,
my friend,
who stood up for me and told them I was perfect.
You said I was Wonderful. Just. Wonderful. And after all
the times I let the truth stay bottled up inside I finally
let it out. That kiss on the porch was not the wine, nor the
weed. It was me. It was you. It was us. It was all the times
you were there for me and all the times I'd secretly wished
you were those boys who'd let me down.
So why? Skinny Love? Why continue on this way?
No need for another heart break. Let's admit the
way we feel, my friend,
the way we've always felt.
For tenth grade me.
For senior year you.
For the times we cried together.
And hid our feelings for each other.
Come now, skinny love, tell me how you feel.
