the quietest words are the loudest
knowledge and open eyes to the real world
through prose i speak and speak alone
nobody encouraged me to be outspoken
i was a shut-in, trapped for months
like anne frank, with only power in writing
i found power in words, nobody taught me
how to live, but i learned how to exist in
a world lost in it's sin, a mediocre society
lost in it's power of indulgences and faith
with paper and pen, i can capture honesty
the most brutal tragedy, the most beautiful love
i've never felt intense fear, like hanging off a cliff fear
but i've been pushed to that cliff one too many times
i've always been scared of heights and losing someone
but my fears are all in my head, my heart is power
my heart is courage, my heart is love
it is the first and last thing i have
How do I love thee?....the beginning words of one of your favorite sonnets.
I could never stop counting the ways or comparing thee to a summer's day.
Te amo bebe....Je t'aime nebe.....Ich liebe dich, baby.....all languages = same.
No duress here.....I choose to live life on a maybe you will or wont love again.
Is it anyone's bees wax but mine?....A big old hell to the no way on that one.
Please pick as many gifts as you wish on me from Sharper Image or Nordies.
Time for annual meeting Mr. Frustration......Pls accept what I'm happy to buy.
Any other lady would be chomping at the bit, thrilled I'm using no limits cards.
Got a big surprise for you my Pet, hope you like it and there's no need to ship it.
It's a little somethings I bought just for me and you with thoughts of our future.
Bought matching wheel chairs so we can ride off into the sunset to Gray land.
Ms. Betty Ponder, I adore and give you my heart.....I love you and always will.
If you choose to cast me aside.....history will most definitely repeat.......I return
alone to that place where I went the last time you walked out of my life.
Taking with me happy memories, the scent of your body after perfumed baths,
the sound of your laughter and sexy voice captured forever on recordings, the
way your face looked as you gazed up at me with deep passion in those eyes and
all the many qualities about you that make you my one and only unforgettable
shorty and now and forever.............the gorgeous Ms. Betty Ponder.
today, you questioned me why i can't believe that i am vital to any equation
but that's just the thing, i need other people to validate that i am important
because i can’t do it for myself, i'm nineteen and already breaking down into
the components that created me, the dirt that failed to turn into a garden
weeds entangle around my body and dogs chew at my skin with knife like teeth
shooting up nirvana into my brain like opiates and spitting out black tar-like goo
it only looks black because my eyes are closed, i can't see how red the water is getting
drowning in my own thoughts, i can't be kept under an oath to stay quiet
how i'm this backwards concept of happy yet sorry for how i came out is beyond me
my understandings is this, life isn't something to be romanticized nor to be loathed
don't have feelings, any at all, and you'll do just fine in this narcisstic society
i am not real
i am queer
i am barely female
i like girl hearts and boy hearts but neither girl parts nor boy parts
i am queer; therefore i am not real
he wants a girl
a normal girl
not a queer child
i am queer
i am not alive
i am not here
i am queer
and i don't see others as queer
i am the only queer and therefore i should not be alive
i am queer
I see you around sometimes,
it's both bitter
because I know you're ok and you're alive.
because I know I can't say a word to you,
that I can't ask you "what's up" anymore.
I sit here in tears,
With an incredible ache in my heart,
With pain in my soul
thinking of all the wasted moments and words...
Oh how I wish I could redo some moments.
But there are no rematches,
no do overs,
only rewards and penalties..
And I lost big time.
I lost not just you,
but a sense of direction and focus.
Of all the things taken away,
I miss my mind the most.
I wish I could write the perfect words to say
I miss you,
I love you.
I wish just saying them like that was enough because it's the God honest truth..
I miss you,
I Love You,
so so much.
Come back to me..
Come back to Us,
Me & You,
It's been cold for the past few days,
it's been dark a little longer,
and the sun takes it's time to rise.
The days are now slowly changing,
summer to fall,
Fall to winter,
I can't help but notice that I too am changing with it.
My heart is slowly freezing over,
my thoughts stay dark a little longer
and I to take my time to rise in the mornings, because I know you won't be there.
Everyone tells me to move on, even you.
The hardest thing that I heard you say is
"I'm not your girl anymore".
It was like a knife to the heart.
I still care endlessly
and my heart still has the same love for you.
I sit far, far away, miles apart but yet
I hope you know you are never alone.
I keep watch over you,
that my guardian angel watches over you too.
You won't ever know that I was there,
checking up on you everyday,
for as far as you know... I truly disappeared.
I'm not gonna pretend that you're alone in the nights,
I know he's there.
You're probably hanging out and making nice
and he has the nerve to ask my girl to dance
and you'll say yes,
but in my head you were always mine
and that's how I'll remember you.
As mine and me as yours.
I won't let go,
even if you have,
I'll keep the faith for the both of us right now
and if you don't come back like you're supposed to, well then..
You may be out of sight,
out of my path now
but you are never out of my mind.
I'm a man of my word and for as long as I can,
I'll make sure you are safe and sound
give you the lights,
all the lights to guide you home.
Collection from a long time ago..
My dear, if you were to cut me open,
to tear away my measly skin,
you would not find
the contents of an ordinary human being.
You would not find veins
or internal organs,
especially not a human heart.
Instead, you would find a battlefield, with freshly made bomb craters
and you would find discarded bullets,
fashioned from spiteful words,
that were perhaps destined for use on my worst enemies
but were instead aimed at myself.
You would find the remains of a daisy field
with the left over petals
looking vaguely like feathers
that fell from doves
or perhaps even angels.
You would find memories of a tiny village
once colourful and lively
but swept away by multiple hurricanes,
that took all happiness and innocence along with them.
Blood would not pour
from my lifeless body,
but dark cigarette smoke would seep from the wounds,
and if you closely investigated,
you would find that the fumes were made up of
microscopic black moths
that had all my lies and promises
carefully written all over their feeble wings
For I am not a human being, but simply a worn out shell of one.
I think the worst part is
being totally helpless,
and having to sit here
and wait patiently
like a good girl
while other people
get to decide for me
wether or not
it is acceptable
for me to love him.
As if they get to choose
how I feel
and how I get to act
on those feelings.
It's like they see themselves
that can pull whichever strings they want
and demand me to follow suit,
without saying a single word
of any kind of protest at all.
And once upon a time,
I may have even danced for them,
but my cheeks have gotten tired
from painting on forced smiles,
and my heart is wearing thin
from all the tug-of-wars
between their limits
and my own freedom.
So I think that it's time
for this puppet show to end.
And I'm sorry,
but these strings are being cut–
so if there's an encore,
it'll finally be up to me.
there's something truly nice with writing long, poetic notes
it makes the baggage easier to carry and manage
keeps you from further damage
to what is already broken beneath
and underneath the beautiful surface
as a poet, i've experienced a lot
as a young girl, i grew up fast
my childhood didn't last
had to be an adult
before the appropriate age
had to feel heartbreak
and sadness all over the place
i could feel an ache in my bones
a sense of sadness when alone
cried my eyes out at home
and hid the pain away
to disguise my tears
hoping sadness would fade
wrote about love for hours
dreamt of you and my fears
destroyed myself to cope
pain changed my view on life
and the relationships i'd had
thoughts are like knives
stabbing me deeper
each and every time
i'm having trouble dictating the way
these emotions churn inside my body
like a sink drain
choking on the dish water
the languid, deep burning
in the hollow of my ribs
is creating a heavy fog
in my brain that makes
it hard to remember where
my loyalties lie
my lips tremble with your accusations
the bite of your stare makes me close up
i refuse to speak
not because the truth of my actions will hurt you
but that i'm terrified of the truth
of my heart.