Today I come to the ends of my own unwinding. There is a lens piece around the corner on the docks. there are stair who don't relate to you. There is a truck with a window and a sign light up with a soft yellow spot light. As if to jump-launch straight out of the vehicle passing straight into space. In a world where you have perspective and see fit only to see today. There was a man I knew existed before who named out a name that I couldn't and nor would I ever have. There is a mad concrete haze stuck in our teeth! The downstairs gremlins drive semi trucks down the streets, they know the road are too narrow and the still go. Fat chance for that man who is with only himself on a bench, in the rain, by the truck, on the sand in some beech ignoring any demand of the world. So much has to be lost before defeat comes as a cold drink under the stars.
I walk the empty road of hurried days
the dark holds opportunities that the light burns through.
Nerves have been narcissistic
in that self-loathing battering
that I promised you I wouldn't commit to again.
is it different if you're a witness?
Hiding isn't part of the agenda,
if you could call irrationality an agenda.
here's to touching upon a few points in which I don't show all sides.
I'm nervous to talk to the people who make me happy
and I'm jaded to their presence,
because I'm a modern-day gatsby
with a touch of bukowski (or maybe a slam)
and all I want is for this romantic inside of me to give up on the struggle
and give in.
I want to let her form allude me because it's not important,
she just wants recognition for the fact that she has an education
and knows how to use it.
I'm just going to let my words smash onto the page, maybe edit
before a show, maybe not.
Probably go drink a beer on the local trail and stare at the back
yards of the wealthy and sharpie in an eye ball on the cement
brick on which I set my empty bottle for company, because
flowers don't get far in foam.
Nostalgia here we are again,
this time there's no search for meaning,
I know you completely and ever since we've met
you've refused to let go (somewhat of a curse, yet I love you).
If I want to let myself be free, then I have to let go of others judgement.
If maybe for a second I didn't think of what others thought about me
and I didn't think about them to occupy the empty space, then I would
truly return to the person I was before my self-esteem plummeted beneath
all that I knew to be right and wrong. Before it hurt to write my feelings
because of the fear that what I wrote wouldn't be good enough, or long enough,
no matter how many compliments came shooting through me.
"I forgot, you're bad at accepting compliments."
I don't want that to be true, I don't want to beat myself up
over the fact that someone else has great beauty simply
because I am blind of my own.
Self-love, here I come,
it'll help me live life without tangles.
stream of consciousness
thought I'd lost it, here's
something for the soul, I
appreciate all who accept
whatever it is I'm doing.
I guess one would call it:
This is what I think I want;
A heart that's mine,
Longing to love me and hold me.
I want to watch your eyes light up,
when you see me passing by.
I need you to chase after me,
because you forgot to hug me goodbye.
To tell me this is real,
and you don't want to lose me.
Tell me its okay to cry,
I don't have to do it alone.
Cause you will hold my hand,
and listen to my sorrows.
I want to lie next to you,
and hear you catch your breath;
when I run my fingers through your hair.
I want to catch the shift from sated to desperate.
Take me as you want, I am yours.
Love me recklessly, I beg.
I want someone to call in the night,
Just so I don't feel alone.
Someone to whisper that they miss my smile,
Even as I smile over the phone.
I want to belong to you,
Like you belong to me.
I need you to need me.
You were the light when the dark came in
You were the air when I came crashing down
To soften the blow before I hit the ground
And broken bones tell no lies
And broken hearts hide deep inside
To avoid the pain on the outside
You were the rain when the fire came
You were the sound when I couldn't hear my name
To awaken my bones and bring me to life
From the dead where it was oh so quiet
And broken bones tell no lies
And broken hearts hide deep inside
To silence the drumming
To silence the thunder in my veins
I remeber that love is blind
The love I had for you burned me alive
A bright, jewel washed night
Light sound swirls 'round a
Pair, hidden in the Eden of
Their arms, enfolding a moment
That hides in the tinny speakers
On the ground, and blossoms in
The tiny space between forms
Flowering open when,
A dark forest brown
A dark ocean blue
culture burned off my fingertips,
splinters, morphed into unsightly locusts
behemoths are used to scavenging.
peering at the soft light,
the seconds flew by,
a voice mystified the atmosphere
the walls began to turn
reveling in my pattern sinking
deeper than paradigm.
stardust clouded the room
all was natural.
most would call it ambrosia of the mind,
when matters most at hearts is failed to be recognized.
candles whisper their oak secrets.
one would, prefer a wine tasting
licking off the fine print left behind on the fold.
illegality, temperament, bitterness.
a lifetime wouldn't be as cold.
once again, gathering my thoughts
smoked cleared the room
only lipstick was left behind on the chalice
what remained of my vision
was merely the clearest confusion.
Will the last moron to leave please turn out the light!
You already have!
Will the last sinner refrain from becoming a priest?
Will you love me cause its me?
You're the last moron and you got no light
If you're going to kiss me,
Do it with ease.
Light place your lips upon
Me as you please.
If you're going to wrap me up
In your arms and hold my frame,
Envelope me whole,
Using your comforting hold to stake claim.
If you're going to wipe away my tears
With your index fingers and palms,
Flick them away and whisper to me
Sweet nothings, in efforts to keep me calm.
If you're going to sleep by my side,
Trace circles along my spine
Until I fall asleep in peace,
Feeling safe and sublime.
If you're going to say you love me,
Even when I'm a mess,
Mean it with every breath you use
To prove you love me best.
If you're going to laugh at me
When I dance barefoot in the streets,
By all means, just join me please;
Dance to the sounds of my heart beats.
If you're going to make me fall so hard
Because you do all of the things I require,
Be sure to stay for awhile
Because you lit my heart up into a passionate fire.
Rather it's not a matter of if,
But a question of what you fail to do;
You endure all and remain my rock-
I would not survive if not for you.
it seems easy to believe,
in you and me
when the promise of the light in your eyes,
seeps through my indecision.
my fingertips sliding across the palate of your every inch.
the spaces i have touched painting, colors tracing my every outline,
intertwining between all the small details that define us.
red, like fire, conviction,
spreading across my chest with blinding heat.
echos of animosity, as the lingering flames crawl across the embers they once drew upon.
blue, breaking against waves of progress,
aches washing away with each pull of the moon.
White froths of inspiration.
the sun lay just above, you see?
forrest green, branching through my veins.
spinning life through my every corner.
your skin like spring,
leaves falling to my feet as you pull away once more.
tears, wrong way signs, fails and falters,
dancing themselves into a web,
tangling me into your response.
deep rust, connection.
iron lending to our foundation.
a place to plot the seeds of what could be.
a place to rest our old souls,
once our bodies can longer be seen.
and when the world threatens to break me,
break this beautiful chaos of color,
i will lay here,
in a sea of lavender,
with you my love,
singing songs, with melodies like rainbows, and clocks that run on shades.
while you fill my dreams with sweet memories of our painted past.
My mind is high up somewhere today.
In these clouds maybe, too far for me to reach.
It leaves me dizzy, desirous...
I feel so sleepy.
I crave sleep,
for a deep, still pool of rest,
in the arms of love.
To feel protected and safe.
I want to be guarded like a vast treasure.
Where is my knight, the one where I see my reflection in
his armor, where I see burning eyes and burning hands that
love throughout the night...
Where's someone to always be there?
And I know.
Believe me, I know.
I should look inside myself for these things,
create my own light for this
dark place inside of me.
But I don't want to become The Hermit,
and carry this flickering lantern in the dubious storm of myself,
where there's snow and sleet and
bone shattering winds, forever to wander alone.
I want to find my puzzle piece, my chemical solution.
There must be a cure to this plague of loneliness.
Someone to be the balm that eases the pain
"No more, no more.
You are safe here, with me."
(c) May 21, 2013