Lord, I have so many faults.
Through pain or gain, my wounds they salt.
I know that they’re down there below even when I don’t know
Because my pride and ego overshadow.
Why is it I see myself in such a light,
But then curse myself in the darkness of night.
How can I be so in love with me?
But still everyday want to kill away
Myself from my own sight?
Lord, who am I?
I realize I carry around my pain inside me
And maybe I hope my ego will hide me-
The broken pieces of me that I see
Well, I hope your spirit can guide me.
Lord, I’m feeling a little lost.
But I said I’d follow you, and I knew the cost
So then why am I here harboring this fear
That I spent so much time convincing myself was no longer there?
Well God I know that I do have something to show
For this broke down life you once made whole
You know, I don’t expect to heal overnight
And even when I hope it would, it’s alright.
Because I know, down to my soul,
That this one thing I got right.
So, God, please help me
Not passively sit by,
But actively take what you’ve laid out for me-
Whatever that may be
And whatever that may take-
No, not for mine,
But for your sake.
God, I am yours.
And even when it feels like I’m lost at sea,
I know you’re looking out for me,
And you hand me the oars.
And by the grace of the Lord,
I’ll make it to your shores.
and spinning around
all i can see is white
i feel alive than before
i'm feeling like
my heart is very peaceful
and kept walking
i saw my family there
i saw my parents hugging
aw they're not fighting again
I saw a friend who is always judge me was crying
and I saw so many regret at there
and then I saw my body lying limp
I'm already dead
I know this will be happen
But I can't leave them
They care about me now,
..but it's too late
i saw a bright light around me
so i follow the light
and go into the new world
Lydia is quiet
going down the slope
by Arrol House
Benedict says nothing
he thinks it best
to let her brood
until she’s ready
he's seen it
in the films before
where the female
opposite the cowboy
has her moods
or quiet times
and the cowboy
lets her get on with it
while he rides off
into the sunset
to fight the bad guys
or have a shot
of Red Eye
in the bar in the town
watching the dancers
on the makeshift stage
he gives Lydia
a side on gaze
her straight hair
her dress is creased
and the cardigan
has a hole
in the elbow
they walk up
towards Draper Road
by the blocks of flats
were rowing last night
something to do
or the lack of it
I could gather
through the bedroom door
lying in the dark
seeing the thin line
from the other room
the old man hates
his best suits
and brown shoes
saw something odd
Lydia says suddenly
looking at Benedict
odd? what was odd?
her thin hands
the nails chewed
my big sister
and her man friend
your sister's always odd
she made me sleep
in the tiny cot bed
which I haven't done
for years as its
too small for me really
she made me sleep there
so she and her man friend
could sleep there
he's been turned out
of his digs
as he calls them
and Mum didn't like
the idea but Dad
in his usual drunken state
said O let him stay
a few days
until he gets himself
so there am I
stuck in the cot bed
over the ends
just about room for me
except my backside
when I turn over
than a cold backside
after the lights were out
and she thought
I was asleep
I heard this noise
like squashy sound
and I lay there
with my eyes open
at the dark shapes
these odd sounds
and the giggles
and snorts and such
Benedict gazes at her
her thin lips
like the goldfish
he had which fell
into the sink
out of the fish bowl
and its tiny mouth
upon the wet
then the bed springs
were going gong gong
as if they were dead
and I never got
to sleep in the end
what with them
and the cold
on my backside
and the trains
the railway bridge
and the shunting
of coal wagons
so you're tired
that’s why you
were quiet just now
thought I'd done
when I first met you
outside your flat
and you came out
with a face
and they walk along
to the Penny shop
where he treats her
to a penny pop drink
fruit salad sweets
and they stand
by the penny
ball game machine
on the wall
and watch some kid
press the buttons
and the ball
until it disappears
in a slot
and Lydia thinks
sipping her drink
are an odd lot.
Under the weight of this dawning light,
there is nothing left but a hollow soul.
I gave everything I had for a glimpse of the future,
a taste of the place we will soon call home.
Lovers and friends have withered away.
Tormented with life I stay the same the wrinkles of age have left me untouched.
Signatures in blood will leave your veins dry.
All the vibrant colors and shades that fill in the cryptic grey are left meaningless
when walking down desolated roads.
These grains of sand fall motionless, tormenting time and the reapers call,
trapped in shadows and lost in the essence of sanity.
Overwhelmed with desire for the crimson flow, I’m alone in this world a wanderer.
As the autumn leaves blow a youth in the mirror and a corpse deep down inside,
a glimpse of the future and a withering past tormented with a life,
that will always last.
this poem is not about you, i promise.
it's not about the line of your
jaw, how it locks in place or how
my lips pressed against your
throat are the only keys that will
turn you over, it's not about that.
it's about the tick of my heart and how
it sped up to match the speed
of light when i first felt
a hand curled around mine and how
i first felt it sliding its way between
it happened to be your hand, but that's
not the point.
this poem is not about you, i promise.
it's about my fingertips that ache like
cold nights, wishing to feel the
heat of a vein pulsing underneath
it, (i just need to touch you again)
this isn't about you,
it's about me.
it's about how i fell apart at the sight of you and
you pieced me back together with your presence and
how i tore you down after i decided we were spent and
how i took out several loans to piece you back together and
still never had enough to compensate for the wounds i inflicted and
how i fall apart now at the sound of your name and
how i have no strength left to stand up and
keep going after you said mine for the last time.
this poem is not about you, i promise.
you were just the ringing in my ears
and this is my sad attempt at trying
to tear you out.
I cant escape this feeling.
This overwhelming darkness that keeps pulling me into a sea of death.
I try to swim away but im drowning.
Deeper and deeper into the silence of black.
Im trying to break free of its hold on me but I dont know if I really want to.
I think this darkness allows me to feel.
To feel like Im slowly moving towards a quiet place.
I swim away from the light.
Deeper and deeper.
Darkness I need you.
Hold me in your cold arms of death.
Let me escape into silence.
there's a body within the light of the moon
a woman with her hair like heavy rain on sand dunes
she climbs into my bed and hums a tune
of every song I've always listened to
to carry me on through what ever I'm going through
every night, she returns with blindness
over everything somber and desolate
she holds a candle at the memories I have
and I can see the truth and feel the intellect
I learn to live in the moment
and find the love in anyone who holds it
she comes whenever I ask
and one day I will follow her back
I sleep sound and amused
I'm withered but not abused
she always seems to save the day
by returning in the night to take me away
It’s late at night
And yet I cannot get myself to bed
Draw the curtains
Grab a wink.
I hear a murmur,
In the night,
Chest pounding, heart throbbing.
A breeze blows,
The mist, it swells.
The world, it seems a lonesome place.
And yet that murmur lingers,
I hear it grow louder,
Darker the night becomes.
I am scared.
I breathe in the air,
Heavy in the chest,
Weak in the heart,
Accepting my fate.
But I want to live.
I shut my eyes,
Shut out the light,
And embrace the darkness.
I read a prayer,
Peace in eternal silence.
Luminol when sprayed on a cleaned wall
that was once stained with the blood of a human being
will light up every splatter, and reveal the crime scene in all it's
chaotic splendor, even after years of careful hiding
Things happen every day in my creamy, dreamy life
moods, like the calm bay that hides the sharks underneath
the blood splatter of the natural cycle is covered in blue indistinct waves
while carnage and drama play themselves out in the silent muted depths
And as the bay gets darker the further you go down
especially in the deep canyon where a fervent Japanese submarine snuck
into California waters, and chased a boat around briefly before dissapearing
forever, just as these depths contain mystery and waste
so my thoughts, once so churned and pained, lie dormant and unseen
with the plastic forks that are stuck in the sand
and the plastic bags that move by in the darkness like ghosts
Because beneath the surface, in that deepest groove
is where all the pain and waste and wreck of civilization has accumulated
and is creating a new order in a once pristine reusable recyclable landscape
But I cannot see my depths, only try to feel them
in a primitive way, like sonar--what is this?
A small submersible floats through the deep cold water down there
through the snow flakes of biological residue that is food for life
and it looks at the garbage and sends back a video signal
that this is a warning, of our ceaseless, accumulating destruction unseen
It happened in the blink of a weary old eye.
The flutter of an admirals wings.
It was never remembered, but never to die.
Like rain that falls to the grace of the sea.
It was when he took shore leave in Java.
Under tropical skies and thunderous clouds.
When the Devil brushed passed his shoulder,
then melted away back into the crowd.
He knew he'd been touched by evil.
As the hairs on his neck stood like soldiers in line.
Ready for their execution.
Ready for their turn to return to light.
And as he stood there frozen,
not sure where to turn, not sure what to do.
A whisper he heard beside him,
"Cursed young soul, I have something for you."
"Your path has been crossed by dark forces,
yes darker than night and blacker than coal.
But I have always been waiting,
to show you the light, to deliver your soul."
"There's been times in your life when you've faltered.
I'm not here to judge, as every man falls.
But this is when evil tries alter,
all our desires, our one true call.
It sows the seeds of doubt and fear,
and mixes it with hate.
But now's the time to listen child,
for this is not your fate."
"Now's the time to listen child,
before now is too late."