When confronted I try tell myself, "I am not scared to die".
I tell others my most misleading lie, one I've told myself since youth.
As well looked into my lovers eyes, in all her emotional freedom.
She asked me, "Aren't you afraid to never wake up again?"
That you and everything we do will one day never exist."
Uttered back, something along the lines of "Lets just think about now".
But my mind goes to work thinking back to when I was ten.
Crawling into the bed closing my eyes listening to my thoughts.
Feeling the cool sheets, allowing the pillow to take in my head.
Having similar doubts, as questions formed. Just learning of death.
I asked my mother once, "Am I alive?"
I didn't know why she started crying. She whimpered "Grand-dad"
It was a joke I thought. I started laughing. How cynical children are.
But she kept crying, my mother asked me to leave. I felt for the first time.
Ashamed.
And years humbled me. My Grand-dad passed away. I learned about dignity
from that. He pulled his plugs. He lived a full life. I don't blame him.
There is no decency for the living. We're so dependent on each other,
that just the thought of not existing scares us. That attachment I've tried to come to terms with.
I can not change how you feel love, about death. Because deep down I feel the same way.
The fear is hardwired in chemicals and neurons shooting off.
We are so afraid to die. But I think in seeing you admit that is what makes us different.
We can take from those primitive fears and make small positive changes to enrich ourselves
and the ones around us. We will never Not be afraid. We can build a constructive tolerance to it's anxiety. For now though, I'll be holding you close. Because I need you just as bad.
He found himself with painted walls, fish tanks, and a wiener dog. A place to sleep, a place to eat, a fine couch to rest his feet. A barbecue that was sturdy and new, a fridge of craft beer the finest of brew. But aside all the comforts and things on the walls the one thing that was most comforting of all, was a little blonde who would follow him around, who turned him rightside up when he was upside down. A girl who was worried about only him; and tryed everything to set him free. Free of a troubled mind that could not find the time for anyone but him. No matter her struggle, her talks, or her love, he would not cave to all the above. It came to the point where she had to go, she'd lost the person she loved the most. She left in a blink with her head in the fog, taking the pictures, fish tanks, and the weiner dog. The girl that knew him oh so well could not save him from an imprisoned hell. The self-inflected wound that would not mend; but conform as the standard of life he led. A blank canvas is all that he knew, no pictures on the walls, no new barbecue. No more snoring at night or meeting for fun, this fairy tale was finally done. It passed so fast and looking back was it worth it for where he's at? Is this the place where he should be, two job's, school, and a shattered dream. She was his love, his hope, his home, and now it's just him; all alone.- Tdragon
I surround myself with sadness
sad people, sad music, sad movies
and yet all I want in life is to be happy
but happy people make me puke
?
We all heard the type woman you can't make a wife.
But there are many wives that makes them look better from the things they do.
The worse of the worse can change.
We all heard about rumors that has no end.
But when do the truth begins.
We all heard that certain people will never change.
But we notice those that speaks doing the changing.
We all live under a microscope.
Doing things hoping not to get caught.
The self righteous.
The sinners.
The losers and the winners.
We all heard something's going to be the death of us yet.
But we keep on doing it.
Hoping that the prediction doesn't come true.
But that's life.
We enjoying doing things to please ourselves.
To the pint we don't think of anyone else.
You're back
in my arms.
It's not a dream,
thank God.
I've seen my world
without you around,
it's very cold
and dark.
I'm astonished in your
comeback.
I'm speechless when
you're close by.
You're here again,
a wish that came
to life.
Stay with me.
Even though I'm not
the best man alive,
all I want is to make you laugh.
Oh, I love you,
wish you well,
hope and pray
that life ain't hell
for your pretty eyes.
'Cause there's a devil in disguise
'round this town,
hides in buildings
broken down,
So Baby, don't you dare
go where
the sun don't shine.
Keep your heart safe
'cause the devil's taken mine.
Oh God, he's taken mine.
[chorus:]
I'm falling
down, down where
no light lives there--I'm scared
Baby, but let me go
I know
you'll come out of this alive.
Oh Darling, you'll be fine.
What doesn't kill you
builds you up
--the rest would kill
to make a couple bucks--
but you've got eyes
to guide you up,
and when it feels
like you could give a shit less
I hope, I pray
that you confess
the fears that drag you down
from this town.
And with poison in our lungs,
sorrow on our tongues,
we'll say goodbye
yeah, we'll fly,
but for now
I'm falling
[2nd chorus:]
down, down where
no light lives there--I'm scared
Baby, but let me go
I know
you can make it out alive.
Oh Darling, you'll be fine.
I'm hearing you scream
from across the room
Oh, I wish I didn't have to
go so soon
But Lover, my last advice to you
is to close your pretty eyes
hide them from the devil in disguise.
Yeah, he's still roamin'
'round this town
so keep your distance--
he's vicious now;
He's got his own eyes on
why I sacrificed
myself, myself.
[chorus:]
I'm falling
down, down where
no light lives there--I'm scared
Baby, but let me go
I know
you'll come out of this alive.
Oh Darling, you'll be--
[2nd chorus:]
I'm falling
down, down where
no light lives there--I'm scared
Baby, but let me go
I know
you can make it out alive.
Oh Darling, you'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
Oh Lover, you'll survive.
This name
she gave
to that ego
we know
and don't know..
Out of humility
the self ITSELF
declares..
a simple entrance
but never alone..
accompanying is
a serpentine
uncoiling
some large and
some small..
our life chore
is recognition
keeping our Eye
on these our
slithering friends..
and knowing
no matter how
skinny they
don't disappear..
and this more:
their fond wish
merely to grow..
snake handler extraordinaire
One Simple Voice
retreat
May 18, 2013
Lives among us never change
the story remains the same
times don't change
and most importantly neither do we
Men come of boys
rebel against their fathers
love their mothers
and hate the world they've just inherited
Women come of girls
grow apart from their shame
and blossom complete and true
ready to tend a world loved by few
Sacrifices made
are for none
are for one another
and for themselves.
Risks are taken
rules are breakn'
Smiles of ours faken
We grow to love the lost
And regret
never realizing
how good we had it
until it
like life
is gone.
To whomever is reading this,
First off, let it be known that I do not seek attention, nor do I wish it even in the slightest. See, I most certainly do prefer to be on my own. The spotlight's far too bright anyway. Or at least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. However, I still can't seem to shake the feeling that this could very well be a cry for help, and that somehow, these words are my last hope. But then again, it is just another humid night, and maybe I'm only writing to make use of my time as I've come to the realization that I won't be falling asleep at any point soon.
I thought I was doing better, I honestly did. I'd started talking to my friends again. Laughing, sharing jokes, maybe even throwing in a genuine smile every once in a while. I mean, I sure as hell knew that I still had a long ways to go, but, things were finally starting to look up for me. Or so it seemed.
What I've never been able to quite fully understand, is how quickly everything can change. In the blink of an eye, really. Life is not a constant; it's a rollercoaster ride filled with ups and downs and bumps and turns and highs and lows and scary moments. A good day can turn into a horrible day in just a fraction of a second, because that's just the way it goes. We're supposed to grin and bear it because, well, we have to. Things change and people change, and life doesn't stop for anybody.
But tell me, what happens when it's a bad day after a bad day after a bad day? What happens when your friends give up on you? When there's no more jokes to be told and a fake smile is the only thing that will force the corners of your mouth to curve upward? See, maybe I was wrong before. Maybe life really is a constant sometimes; because it seems to me that all I've got are constant feelings of darkness. Depression. Loneliness. Regret. Hatred.
I don't hate the world though, trust me. It's a beautiful place. And maybe, just maybe, if things get better I'll sail the seven seas and travel to all the different countries and just let the greatness of this world engulf me and swallow me whole. I'd like that, I really would. You see, I love this world. It's above and beyond anything I could ever imagine. I don't even hate life, for that matter. The very fact that we are here today has got to be the biggest miracle there is. But then there's my life, which is a whole different story.
Don't get the wrong idea though. I am not complaining about my life. I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, clean water, an amazing family, and so much more. There are children in this world who I'm sure would love to be me; children who don't have the money to attend school, or even to eat a decent meal. There are people getting raped, assaulted, bullied, and treated poorly every day. I am so lucky that I don't have to deal with any of that. So, why am I so unsatisfied? Why can't I just be grateful for everything that I have?
The thing is, I hate myself. Not only that though, I hate the way I've chosen to live my life. I hate the person looking back at me in the mirror each day, and I hate these thoughts in my head; screaming insults at me every second, loud enough to drown out everything that is good. I've forgotten how to appreciate the little things; like the fresh smell after a day of rain, or long walks on the beach, or laying down on cool grass to look up at the stars on a hot summer night. I guess I'm just too preoccupied with the things I should have done or shouldn't have done, not even thinking about the things that I still can do.
I'm a disappointment. A failure. I have put humans to shame. Why am I still here, when I clearly do not belong in a world of such beauty? Everything I touch gets spoiled; even myself. I should never have been born, but I was. And here I am still, but for what reason? What good can ever become of me? Should I just end it all right here and now, or would that do more harm than good? I don't know...
What I do know is this: I used to have hopes and dreams, always wishing that things would turn out in the end. But it's different now. I'm plummeting down into a tunnel of darkness, and the light that once could be seen near the end is now burnt out. I have no way of escaping.
Hope all is well on your end.
Much love,
Ridley
Elegant her mind was,
the beauties of
death,
blood,
sadness.
Elegant her skin was,
scared,
tarnished.
Elegant her thoughts were,
pills,
blade,
noose,
jump.
Elegant she was,
or every one thought she was.
Her real elegance didn't show through ger every day life,
only to those who wanted to hear,
and those that wanted to hear were
the demons.
Her elegance, in the end
is what destroyed her,
leaving the truth behind,
she wasn't so elegant after all.
