that runaway's life once again felt
cut short of finding new home
instead a odyssey
of heart and mind forged
inside this extended mull
knowing no end
..where the land petered out
narrowing to nothing
where cold tides
always running in and out
on top of each other
and are hard to tell apart
they don't matter here
unattended thin stretch
he stays brooded upon
allowing him to run no further
..his unfolding life
into the swift gulf stream
pulling him down into the rip
one day it is as dangerous as hell
the following day
becoming less treacherous
where all his visions can toss and roll
calmly out to sea
something either ended or began here long ago
but i don't remember which
but it is enough to just be
he says with half a care
his voice a swell of low tones
old as the atlantic now
looking back over his shoulder
he is reconciled to all the other places
that might have been
just as remote
of a possibility
as this one his life places in
but the runaway will always be here
as perpetual as the shift in the dunes
that purple silhouette again
up beach, following the sunset
as far as it can go
my shattered heart.
There is something inside of each of our souls:
This desire for the things that will destroy us.
We crave to behave in ways that leave scars.
Battered and mauled, we are in love with the sickness.
Why do we find it so inviting that we can’t want to turn away from it?
Because to turn away would be to deny ourselves of who we are.
We were born this way: rotting flesh and souls in decay.
We will not admit to the shame of it because we cannot let our pride be wounded.
We do not accept it as fault.
We embrace it because we can’t change.
But the evidence roars in the background as you say that you are deemed worthy.
The lie you just told broke a heart.
The substances from yesterday still affect your loved ones today.
We are not meant to hurt; we were not made to hurt each other.
I believe in love.
I believe in forces.
I believe that we all were destined for good things.
They say I am too old for imaginary friends,
But this love is not imaginary.
I can see this love.
I can see it in smiling eyes.
I can see it in random acts of kindness that shouldn’t be so random.
Brothers and sisters, we were made for more than this world has to offer.
I saw love; I felt love.
Love followed me.
Love pulled me out of my own head, my own mess, my own love for my own sin.
Love knocked the wind out of me.
Love crushed my old heart.
Love let it shatter to take what was inside and make it something better.
Love loved me, when I just didn’t care.
Love waited for me.
Love was always there.
Love always knew that I would find my way.
Love had its hand on me on even my darkest day.
Love looked at me with heartbreak it its eyes.
When my back was turned, love never passed by.
Love never turned and left;
Love never gave in.
Love hurt because I wouldn’t let love in.
But love stayed and love waited.
Love waited on me.
Love led me and taught me how it feels to be free.
Love saw in my heart that I was a wreck.
Love broke down my bones to build them back.
And this time, they are stronger.
Love let me feel pain, though it pained love too,
Because in the end love always knew
That I would find love from my shackled, broken place
Where I would accept love and accept grace.
When my heart was torn open, bleeding out on the ground…
When my soul was crying out for something unknown
To fill the gaping void in my life left by the people
Who couldn’t love like love itself…
When my fears consumed me and I thought I might explode…
When I needed someone to hear me- just hear me-
So that I would not feel so alone…
When the stars taunted me and told me I was small
And that my life would never amount to anything at all…
When I was left in the dust and so unfairly mistreated
By people who were just as lost as me…
When the screaming of voices that were broken from
The love that they never received would ring in my ears…
I was lost.
When there were times that life meant nothing to me
Because I had no reason to live it…
Love found me, and love rescued me.
And love waited to make sure I understood
That love was not going anywhere.
And love wanted me to know love and that I could show love to
People who never really knew the love that found me.
They say that I’m too old for imaginary friends,
But love is not so imaginary.
Love is felt, and love wants you back.
And love never leaves you wanting.
The love on this earth is tainted and broken,
And people hurt each other because they were hurt too.
When people love, they try and give it their best go,
But they are weary and reluctant.
My heart longs for a love deep enough that no one is left dry.
A thirst that is quenched.
No more hunger pangs.
Because love showed itself to me.
So let me love even though I am weak.
Let me try and have that love show through me.
I want to shine so bright the sun would feel inadequate,
Because the brightness of love burns like a thousand earthly suns.
Because the love that found me is the love that beats in my heart,
Traveling deeper than my bones, so I can feel it in my core
When my heart pounds on.
This love courses through my veins, planting a hope in me
That I didn’t even know could be possible.
Love was not found in the pages of a book;
Love was found in the message of a force that created love’s meaning.
The pages of the book hold the words of the creator of the love
That found me but love is in their meaning.
Love is in the force behind the words that kiss the pages
Of the book that is mocked and made foolish.
The words twisting, distorted and wrong,
So far from the place where they started.
So far now that they are only words,
And the meaning they held is lost.
Love itself was mocked and made foolish
By the ones love came to rescue.
I will not mock love.
I will be proud to stand for a love that will stand for me,
When I am no better than any other imperfect human being.
No one laughs at love when love is shown in a smile,
Or a word of comfort to someone who is in need.
But they laugh at love when love is shown in the meaning
Behind the words in a book that only acts to convey the love
That could save them.
They say that I am too old for imaginary friends,
And they mock the love that lifted me above the ashes
And led me through the pain of life.
When my life was wading in open waters
With sharks circling beneath me
And feeling the fatigue set in.
Pretty soon, I would have been too tired
To even try at all.
But love reached out into my heart
And gave me the strength to keep wading,
With the knowledge that the sharks can’t touch me.
And one day I will be out of the water and onto dry land
Where I will never have to swim again.
They say I am too old for imaginary friends,
But love is the realest thing I know and
Love saved me.
My best friend
and the love of my life
My Snow Angel
Flew up to heaven
Now she's alright.
we have a soul
us two, so soulful
sins we bear,
sins we live
things we die for
trips we seek
never lack of prophecy
write the fairy-tale
it’s set in stone.
its ours. Life is bleak
the dead will reek
but we so soulful
our soul’s to keep
Lord, I have so many faults.
Through pain or gain, my wounds they salt.
I know that they’re down there below even when I don’t know
Because my pride and ego overshadow.
Why is it I see myself in such a light,
But then curse myself in the darkness of night.
How can I be so in love with me?
But still everyday want to kill away
Myself from my own sight?
Lord, who am I?
I realize I carry around my pain inside me
And maybe I hope my ego will hide me-
The broken pieces of me that I see
Well, I hope your spirit can guide me.
Lord, I’m feeling a little lost.
But I said I’d follow you, and I knew the cost
So then why am I here harboring this fear
That I spent so much time convincing myself was no longer there?
Well God I know that I do have something to show
For this broke down life you once made whole
You know, I don’t expect to heal overnight
And even when I hope it would, it’s alright.
Because I know, down to my soul,
That this one thing I got right.
So, God, please help me
Not passively sit by,
But actively take what you’ve laid out for me-
Whatever that may be
And whatever that may take-
No, not for mine,
But for your sake.
God, I am yours.
And even when it feels like I’m lost at sea,
I know you’re looking out for me,
And you hand me the oars.
And by the grace of the Lord,
I’ll make it to your shores.
Cruising down the highway never felt so high-
with the music playing loud and the stars in our eyes,
Breathing in that smoky air never felt so free.
So we drank down that freedom and turned up the beat,
and we let it cloud our judgement until we ran it off the street.
Face to the windshield, windshield to a tree-
Just one sheet of glass screaming your mortality.
But we thought it’d last forever, running on a adrenalin-
Running from our problems, from anything genuine.
“I don’t need to think about death, I’m only a kid,”
Well if a kid can drive then they’re responsible for that last skid,
out of control and into the dark, to the point of no return with no option to restart.
At that point your intentions or excuses don’t matter.
So, take your potential and use it for the better.
The hands that you use to pass that bottle
are the same that can be used to completely remodel
A life. A heart. A soul. A home.
So what you do with those hands is completely your own,
and if they drink and drive and kill your best friend,
it’s your fault alone.
You may be young and wild, but you’ll never be free
as long as you let yourself be a slave to humanity.
So when the world says go, but a voice says stop,
don’t quiet it thinking you can turn back the clock
when years pass by and regrets are weighing on your mind,
and you sit there wishing you thought better to utilize your time.
Laying on your deathbed thinking of the glory days,
thinking how short the longest seems before it all fades.
Will you think of death then- when it looks you in the face?
Does it have to wait to shake you when you’re in that place?
If life and death is the big picture, then why do we shut it off?
It’s like we choose to be ignorant because we don’t want to know the cost.
But pushing it away doesn’t make death less real,
it only makes you less ready when the truth is revealed.
If they saw through my bones to what’s inside of my soul
They would see me for me- and not who they think I might be.
The stinging words I hear them speak…
They spit venom so casually, not knowing they’re actually talking about me.
But what they know is what they’ve been told, which they base on the moral beliefs that they hold,
But they can’t see that that sinner is me- the only reason they even took a second look.
But if they could take just one more, to the depths of my soul way beyond the shore,
Maybe they would see the scrapes on both of my knees
From the days I spent praying to God to spare my soul from this thing plaguing me.
Maybe they would feel the rips in my lungs from screaming out to the sky to be rid of my depraved mind.
But if they could see the scars from the blade I used to penetrate my skin
To cut through to the sin and bleed out all my inner demons,
Maybe they could they see my heart sinking in my chest at the dinner table
When my family talked about their disgust
And have you seen the pool of tears I’ve been choking back
Since the first time I realized I was trapped
In this sinful body with these sinful tendencies
That build up like scum corrupting the inside of me?
But even still my heart felt so pure
With the butterflies in my stomach when I first saw her.
And it didn’t feel like it should feel wrong.
But it did feel wrong when I stood along
As these godly people talked about chapels and steeples
And churches and marriage between a man and a woman,
And how anything else is simply perverted.
But in my mind, I just don’t feel
Like this sin is any more or less real
Than any of those their condemning mouths have committed.
But somehow still I’m the one to be pitied-
Or even still to be ignored.
Like, maybe if we shun her she’ll know she doesn’t have our support.
Because God knows that a smile or a kind word to someone feeling alone
Could easily communicate to them that you openly condone
Every single thing in their life that they might be doing wrong.
But answer me this if you know all about my affliction:
Do you think that I would choose to be hated on sight by judgmental Christians?
If I could choose my path do you think I’d choose pain,
Guilt, humiliation, and shame?
Do you think I’d choose to live a life shackled and chained,
Hiding away a part of me I almost don’t want to accept to this day
Because I fear when I see God he’ll turn me away?
You fill my head with memories,
my head is filled with lost time.
You filled my life with words,
but maybe you were never mine.
I wonder what you're doing,
I wonder where you are.
I hope that you find happiness,
because I think you stayed a liar.
I obsessed over you,
and I still see my habits.
As time slips on,
I try not to take time for granted.
I wanted something more with you,
but you couldn't fit me in.
I thought something different,
and I am still unsure how to begin.
I hope to move forward,
time heals all wounds.
I hope that time is good to you,
I know it has been to me.
I wake up now,
with more choices,
I am finally free.
Every single night, death comes and sits by my side
Every time I shut my eyes, by his rules do I abide
He taught me the intricate balance of questioning and acceptance
He also showed me the innate frailty of structure and permanence
I understood the difference between wisdom and knowledge
Also why one must, without dismissing, eat one's porridge
That a bat can carry numerous diseases without getting ill
That seasons can bring change in the colours of a bird's bill
That questioning oneself requires immense strength of will
He taught me when to swallow my pride
Whom to trust, and in whom to confide
That one must take great caution while vowing vengeance
What's done is done, and can never be undone by penance
Things I never would've learned had I stayed on in college
He showed me that it's but a myth, the idea we call "flawless"
That bending the limits of one's mind can too be a thrill
That it's tougher to bring life than it is to make the kill
How ever hard you may try, life's essence you cannot distill
This one’s for every form of me
that ever screamed a plea
on bruised knees,
help me not to bleed.”
And to every former me
that since has ceased to be,
just know that every time I try,
I can’t seem to pull free.
When my head gets above the water,
just enough to breathe,
another wave pulls me under
until the blue is all I see.
But I didn’t want to let you go;
it just happened that way.
And don’t think I’m not a shell of
the person I look back on some days.
Now it feels like I don’t even know how to feel,
and the reality of life never felt more real.
And it feels like I’m trapped
in a predetermined fate,
and when I realize where to go,
it’s already too late.
Now I’ve got the world on my chest,
and there’s no way I can shake it.
And even though I know the right remedy,
I’m not ready to take it.
I can’t even seem to get the words on paper,
because these feelings are buried in me,
whirling rain clouds like vapor.
Before I get a chance to look at the sky,
the water’s already rising nearby.
And sometimes when I look into a child’s eyes,
I want to cry out that we’re all born to die.
And I want that soul to stay young and stay free
instead of growing up and growing cold-
marching into a life of slavery.
Because I used to be there once,
no limitation on who I could be.
But now I’m broken and shackled-
callused and desperate to break free.