First day of 8th grade sex-ed class,
Sitting awkwardly beside you in my seat.

Closing our math binders in sync,
The health teacher strides in.

"Take out your folders class!" a loud voice booms,
I scramble to find it.

Taking out blank paper to write notes,
The teacher launching into a fast paced lecture.

"Thistopicisveryimportantblahblahnolaughingblah--"
Losing track of the words I stop and look to your sheet and copy,

To only see you have written one word--your name.
You notice me looking as I smirk at you.

I try to hold in the giggles,
Even though it isn't funny.
You reacting the same way.

I look up and catch your eye and I feel my tummy doing turns,
Why do you do this to me?

You look like your blushing but I couldn't tell as we both looked away,
Do I make you feel the same way?

We mirror movements without noticing it,
Life isn't making much sense to me.

I slump in my seat already bored of this lesson and let my hands hang loose,
I then realize how close to you I am, your warm breath blowing down my neck.

I can feel you look at me,
Me wavering under your gaze.

You do something surprising,
You slip your fingers through mine under the desk,
Hidden away from view.

I feel myself panicking my breath coming out faster,
Blushing like a cherry red tomato.

I readjust my grip reassuringly squeezing your hand in a friendly gesture.
They say your first love never lasts.

But a girl can dream.

I sleep in the clouds, dream in the sky,
I'll keep dreaming as life passes me by,
I think my dreams keep me sane,
I dream of happiness, a life without pain,
some people say I'm stuck in this place,
and I'll never go anywhere,
but in my dreams I've already been there,
I know some day I'll have to wake up,
but I feel the real world is more like a nightmare,
I'm safe in my closed eye wonderland,

I'm stuck
I can't leave
No freedom

Because I'm a girl
I can't leave alone
But I just want to be alone

Passing back and fourth
Going nowhere fast.

I'm so done with my routine life
I want to be free from
This house
That school
This town

I just want to run away from all of it

So last night
I whispered all of your dreams unprompted
I saw your jaw drop but I tried to conspicuously not pay attention;
I just liberated you from from a bar of twenty men all drooling
I fend them off and kept two of you entertained with only one of me
and the dreams of my dreamy elusive brother coworker or friend
I paid a lot of attention to the needs and dreams of your cute companion
But if I'm honest
even though I was making sure she was safe
cause that's what i do
I was looking at you and dreaming
I was staring straight into your eyes
looking straight into your soul
I don't have much of almost anything
but I can look deep down and see true
most people really don't believe it
and i don't blame them, why would you?
But there was a moment there
In the garage while we were talking
when you were looking at me
like you loved me
more than anything
that had ever come or gone
and it was the briefest of moments
but i fucking swear i saw it
and it made me love you
with you dirty blond hair
and all of your compassionate let's just take care of my friend care
I mean, yes
Like i heard you
you have a boyfriend
you say it like it's means something
to someone like me
....who's only ever always confronted with adversity

I have a back burner
for you
and all of your friends
and it's not like
im saying anything
it's honestly
a little bit
of everything
but mostly
and surprisingly so
a lack of interest
in anything intelligent or courageous
it's like the human race took 5
and was all over it
so yeah
can't ever really quite describe
what I'm looking for
what lights up the fire
what stokes the soul
behind my eyes
cause i'm a believer
and i believe most true
and i think im feeling something
maybe i love you

...I remember who talked to me all night about everything
about significant things great and small
tiny odd reccolecctions
everything her things my things your things all things fuck pretty much everything
That I answered or said without saying as things that are true
I might have lied
Because you started talking like my dreams...
I covered every base what the fuck do you want me to do?
You were so fucking cool
I think I met your friend
Only to meet you
or your boyfriend...
fuck i seriously hope that one ain't true but like I'm a buhhdist now and can't say
It's like you have never met a man who see's the future
A gingerbread man baked and burned in the oven for fun
Who got tortured for years into a smile that we all love
It's like we all take things so seriously instead of laughing and drinking
and hearing the endearing lunacy of our friends
fuck if we just took a minute to wait and pretend to understand all of that darkness we let lurk in
it would be like a circus show of light delivering all of us from the three ring thing of everything
that is bad
our own macabre circus of rejection, judgement, and humiliation for all of our kind. So when you are done with your boyfriend, fiance, husband, i know not yet; talk to me first before every voyage and adventure set in opposition just for the fuck of it.
but what you can't count on
is that i'm so much older and I've been around
I don't think you might know what it is like
to double down
over years and years
it's like you get a discount
on the odds
for multiples of five years
cause who really lasts that long?
maybe me
Maybe you.
but who knows
cause life is like a lotto tarot hurricane
no sense to distribute the sad recompense
let's just fucking spend it before we pay
on all the debts we just made
and all of the futures that greyed out just fade(ed)
that's the point of grey vistas
all the deals and the souls we just promised in casual relation to make it
We try to pretend
we're all samurai
noble sacrafice to budo
it's cool that i alone must die
but i think we all smell some bullshit
in the way and the feel of this philosophy
that tells us to fight it instead of accept it
so let's beware those wayward philosophies
that perhaps might be misguided
telling us that nothing matters
now
or anytime
as opposed to those that tell us
to simply love
all of those that surround us

Azrael Always James
© Copyright 2013

Life is a bunch of lies you tell your self

Azrael Always James
© Copyright 2013

Faded, I thought, into the nuisance of life
flowing down a river like brown algae,
overlooked by clouded skies that seemed to care less.
You were metaphorically,embossed with beauty,
bejewelled and golden with the glitter of stars
and the proposals of love never faded away
but struck into the background
of every single day, for your whole life,
and I hurt, because I am your friend,
but I fear to ask, why do men not love me
as much as they love you?

I am in love with him, and he lays with me.
He kisses me among crowds
but not even he truly loves me the way any man loves you
when he casually passes you on the street.
Though my lover only loves you as his own sister
I fear your own person, to be more personable than me.
I am covered with fat I believe, my nose not as perfect,
always tormented and bombarded.

My mind shudders at all the love
that is always given to you.
You are like a sister,
I love you but I want to hate you,
but I peek deeper inside myself, it flushes with desire
to disspiate from the weeds and the algae
that surround my skin, surround my air.
I long to blossom as a rose that is scented with oils,
that riles the desires of all men.
I feel I may be revolted at myself
because of the vanity of a young girl,
insecure because her lover was her pillar,
insecure because of the past
that has apparently not yet set her free.
Freedom will soon be here
I hope when my lover beckons,
but if he does not, and he surely may not
I only wish to be sent away from my vanity.

Power on. Empty screen.
Turn the station to receive,
Get brainwashed by T.V.

Channel 7
-There is something in the water.
If you feel calm this is completely normal.
You are completely normal.
Drink up boys and girls,
There's no harm.
A glass a day
keeps the thoughts  at bay.-
Nevermind,
What else is on?

Channel 11
Today in the news . . . .
Only strife.-
News implies new,
Boring,
I've heard it before.

Channel 42
-Ladies and gentlemen,
Who decides what you watch?
Not the actors of the hour,
They just do their job.
They read the news
but who tells them when to stop?
In this day and age
it's difficult to figure out.
Propaganda for the people
and patriotic memorabilia,
Do you just lap it up?
We like to think not.
I like to think not.
But what we're been raised on
is a hard to shrug.
So look above that which overshadows the media
and our very state of mind.
See this for what it truly is
and ask yourself,
What is life?-
Something's wrong.
Network instability

Connection lost.
. . . . . . .
The matrix has you.
. . . . . . .
Connection reestablished.

Channel ∞
-What is life?
If you had to choose-
switch
-between knowledge-
flickers
-and a good time,-
glitching
-Which would you choose?-
red pill vs. blue pill
-Would it be right?-
red pill
-"Remember,
All I'm offering is the truth.
Nothing more."-
swallow
Input/output carrier signal disruption
Static. Zero.

Wake up.