It’s no longer the escape it used to be,
My thoughts- they’re too full,
They can’t let me be free.
The gift of deliverance,
How I cherished it long,
The hours of relief;
All those times I was gone.
I was taken away,
With people I trust,
But the gate- it won’t open,
I’ve allowed it to rust.
All those places I travelled;
That wonderful feeling of welcome,
It’s all starting to fade now,
No…I can’t let this happen.
But I know it’s no use,
I’ve tried again and again,
Reality keeps intruding,
I can still see its grin.
Oh, how I wish I could go back,
To how it was before,
When I could walk freely in that realm,
When there was no lock on the door.
But instead I’m sitting, staring,
And all I see are pages,
It’s not like it used to be,
Where are all the dragons and mages?
I stare intently at the words,
But register only spaces,
There’s no one there to greet me,
No familiar faces.
This is when it happens,
When my reality takes the wheel,
It scares away my one reprieve,
It tells me what to feel.
No longer is there comfort here
Between this tattered cover,
My real life is weighing down on me;
Begging that I take over.
I gently close the book I love,
And resist the urge to cry,
But it’s time to focus on myself right now,
It’s time to say goodbye.
In life we all have doubts it's nothing new
I have never doubted that I have loved u
Even when times are tough
and say that I have had enough
I never want to give up.
There are many things in life we dont understand
When you seek to find the truth and the meaning
It holds everything you never knew
Oh, is that the way it is?
Is that a freaking fact?
How about you meeting me halfway
And we can bridge that gap
You're so sure of yourself, aren't you?
You know just what you're talking about
I believe, perhaps, the greatest virtue
Is in our ability to doubt
Go and tell it on the mountain top
And examine who comes to listen
A bunch of lost souls caught in a trap
All ready to do your bidding
And now the question is;
Just what is your intention?
A sanction for your own beliefs
Or an army standing at attention
March them out to spread the word
The one that you're so sure of
Contented cultures will crash and burn
In the lands that you'll become lord of
Just listen to me for a second
I'm sending you my letter
Second guessing can be a blessing
Quantum questing can make life better
Do you go to sleep in shame and guilt
and fear of future consequence?
Those fears are senseless in their root
Your mind is your divine providence
So let it go and figure out
That no final answer can be preached
Pay attention to the lessons of your life
Realize the ultimate answer is forever out of reach
- Salman Rushdie
You can't hide those lies behind your eyelids
Shutting them tight so you won't see the world where we live
Trusting yourself to let it loose
Between the work, the love, the life, and the self-abusiveness
Throw up those waking nightmares
As I'm the taste of bile that will always reside there
Just go ahead and face it
Those lies behind your eyes give me no form of entertainment
Sometimes it seems like you aren't even trying
Pain pills down you throat leaves you no room to fly in
Desperation makes you angry
You don't know when your dreams will set you free
This time you're going to go a little too far
From the devils your run from to the drunken dents in your car
But shut those lying eyes
So you'll never see the story end with the way that you die
My last words should I die tomorrow how I wish.
I'm just tired of feeling so hurt and lonely. The pain is far too much to handle. Depression is something I've struggle with for many years now. My many reasons to live were my family, my friends, but most of all my love. Even with those amazing people in my life the depression always hid underneath. Coming out to Barre its ugly teeth when I was intoxicated or vulnerable. I hurt the women I love most in this world. I can't stand to live with that. I'm tired of the many tears. I'm tired of the heart ache. I'm tired of ruining the good things in my life. Please remember me for the goodness in me and not my evil deeds. Rest assured I'm at peace now. I was rarely at peace alive. I hope everyone's dreams of an afterlife were true. I'd love to see those pearly gates or if what I did sends me to hell so be it. Maybe we are apart of gelatinous cube, one of my favorite ideas. If it wasn't I wouldn't have married it. I will never be entirely sure why you left me Alyssa but I love you and I want you to move on with your life. I was a destructive character in yours and everyone else's life. As you know, you're far better off without me. I made some big changes trying to clean up my act but instead it all just came crashing down. I'm glad I died still married to you cause that is how I would choose to go. Having had a loving wife who cared for me deeply. I'm wrapped in your favorite blanket, my head resting on a pillow that still smells like you. In one of my favorite places. Its a frequent of ours when we were stupid kids and we'd sneak out together. Little did I know she was my future wife. I just knew that I adored you. I'm holding the book of poetry you wrote me. I'd like to be barried with it unless Alyssa wants it. She can have anything she wants. You always were a sucker for a poet and I hate that you fell for cheap words when I would of bled right infront of you. You'll find a man with far less flaws and he'll sweep you off your feet. He'll treat you well and wont taint the memories like I did. When you broke up with me the first time. I cried harder then I had ever cried over a girl. You've found another poet in your life. This time when he dies or breaks your heart I wont be there to take you back. You were always my dream girl. My sweet love. My love was my name for you because you embodied every wish I ever sent to the universe. I just had some issues that we couldn't fix. So just hate me and move on. I know this will only push you further into the arms of another man. You were already there when you left though. I also want everyone to know that I want Alyssa to have all my belongings. She knows me better then anyone and she can burn it if she wants. I want her to have my life insurance money also. Please buy yourself something nice. I'm in the same place, in the same car looking over the beautiful lake remembering my perfect moments. When I still made you happy. I remember getting you to fall for me. I will never forget that unique connection we shared. We had so much in common. Our playful nature. The books we loved. The music we adored. How I fell inlove with your brothers. How I had to convince you Jacob was the greatest guy in the world and pushing you to make amends with Gille. I always tried to push you to better yourself and situations. I was off mark sometimes but Gille's your best friend now. You've come to realize how Jacob is an endless friend, a companion til the end. You were blind to so many gifts you were givin from birth. If there was any gift I could have givin you. It was to make you realize what you have. So go find someone better then me, don't ever settle for less then perfect or I'll haunt your sex life. They built a statue of us and put it on a mountain top. I want you to know I was endlessly lusting over you. When you thought the passion died. It was because I forgot what to do. I just needed a little guidance.
Yesterday brought me Tomorrow;
Tomorrow lacking Nothing-
Nothing and everything...
hahaha I just realized off mark
I look at my wrists
What is it like to cut?
Why would anyone
Want to cut them self’s
I can understand the pain
I can understand the anguish
Quite a few times I wanted to end my life
But why for the life of me I cannot understand
Why why….would you want to cut yourself
This is a requiring question that seems to be ongoing
Just baffles me why you would want to even cut yourself with a knife
Sigh…I look at my wrists in dismay…it would be horrible to be disfigured
I would regret for the rest of my life what I have done out of remorse
I just don’t understand…really I don’t…shot me if you must…what ever you want
Just please I ask you from one human being to another stop your cuttings
It just kills your living soul
I have memories that I would like to gouge out of my soul
But I have to live with them for the rest of my life
So don’t tell me I don’t know what I am talking about
It’s an ongoing battle and damn it I’m still here
I will always be a part of me, pain….misery…fear
But hell at least I bloody faced it, accepted it, it’s just there
Sad to say it’s a part of fucken life…sigh
Sorry excuse my profanity just then
Just so passionate about being human
And wanting to live my life
My heart is heavy with grief
It’s been exactly five years today
Since my mother’s death
Every time I remember that day
It makes me want to cry
My father was devastated
When he saw his wife on the ground
My sisters crying as they gathered around
I could not, would not cry at her grave
It was bad enough she was gone from my life
It was bad enough I would no longer be a part of her life
It was bad enough that I disconnected from life
Only thing kept me going
Was being with my poet friends
So I would like to say thank you once again
©Kaila George 2013
The morning dew
Lay upon the ground
As we walked along the beach
His hand in mine as we talked
About life and when we did first meet
He was so sweet his gentle ways
Just captivated my soul
He said I was so beautiful
But I blushed and insisted no
Then taking both of my hands
He held them to his heart
Now look at me my sweet little dove
I say this from the heart
You are to me a beauty queen
You take my breath away
Tears just fell as he whispered love
So sweetly in my ear
My heart just went all erratic
As he kissed my tears away
Never doubt me when I say
I will always love you dear
©Kaila George 2013
The scars in my chest
The tears in my eyes
The ache in my soul
The sadness in my mind
Why being so young do I feel so tired?
Maybe my life isn't what I wanted.
Does the little girl inside of me is still alive?
Deep inside she cries
She feels trapped and lonely
She is scared of the dark
But the one inside of herself.
But don't worry little angel
Soon you will be fine
This will all end
And you will be soaring in flight
With other little angels
Of the lost children who lost their mind.