My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
Never knew of anyone I could be close to, for a hug or some kind words
Things were always bad I needed encouragement for me to be heard
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
On her feet
sweat trickled down from her forehead,
to her neck,
down her bosom.
The sweat line made a stop at her belly button
and continued after it filled her tiny button.
Down it continued,
till it got to her under-wear
that absorbed it all.
She was all alone in the heart of the thick forest,
wanting to get un-lost and needing some human company.
She stopped to get some air.
The forest had its usual features, tall trees, short trees, crawling plants and green things alike.
The night clouds wasnt putting on its pendant, the moon.
The trees waved,
the wind whistled quietly,
the frogs croaked
and the owls hooted.
It happened in that order
for a while.
Her legs, unstable
her eyes, hot and wide open
Her breath, in quick bursts
and her chest rising and falling in fear.
The night, pregnant with horror, death and evil
Soon all that made sounds ceased
Her heart paused for three seconds.
Then, she heard a roar
a deep, rich and mature roar.
She wanted to run
but her legs would not obey
She wanted to scream for help
but her throat was stuffed and numb.
The creature sensed her body heat
and followed the trail, running.
Its foot steps caused the ground to shake.
It found her
Eyeball to eyeball,
she and the creature.
Death was a few seconds away.
Hot urine escaped her buttocks
as she stood face to face with this monster
As she tried to summone courage to fight for her life,
the creature swallowed her quick
Her death was painless.
Courage is quite expensive to gather and retain.
Sitting on the sand,
I was careful not to let
The ocean into open wounds.
And with the wind blowing,
It's times like these where
I don't want to die so much.
Where I can believe slightly,
That the future might be
Something but numb.
While some people sat,
On stereotypical blue sofas,
Pouring out their problems to people who don't care.
I sat on the shore,
And watched the ocean pour out to me,
And for once in my life I was content
With the sadness that existed within me.
Oh, glistening Prince:
We are all so happy you have come (though we may not realize it).
We thank you for your million presents (though we have not opened them).
We know you seek to help us (though we may not want it).
Happy fault and blessed Barrenness,
embed a single snowflake in our hearts.
That we might always hold a dear token of
the transformative power of anguish and death.
Because you alway testify that with new life:
"My cup runneth over".
We are all strangers to the thing of love.
Just as we will always be strangers to the thing that makes life.
Let us close our eyes, hold out our cupped hands under the rain,
And see what we catch.
I'll read words reminiscent of expressions,
You'll feel tears flowing down the page,
The deepest pain, hidden inside
Will work on out along with joy and light.
You'll be surprised for the worst, then for the best,
And you'll feel a relieving sense of rest
When you read the hurt and the fear
And they're burned on paper, not in a heartbeat.
Just try-- tears for ink,
Letting loose instead of denying,
A little truth, you don't even have to be with me.
Love and faith alone won't save you--
Sometimes in life, just try to
כשאקרא את המילים הן יזכירו מבטים,
תרגיש את הדמעות שזולגות על הדפים
הכאב הנסתר ,העמוק שבפנים
יתבטא יחד עם האור, שמחת החיים.
תופתע לרעה ואז לטובה
ולפתע תרגיש תחושת הקלה
כשתקרא את תחושות הכאב והפחד
כשעל נייר ולא לב שרופות הן בלהט.
;דיו במקום דמעות-- רק תנסה,
הכחשה תיהפך להרפיה,
קצת אמת, אפילו כשאני ואתה לא ביחד.
אהבה ואמונה לא יושיעו לבד--
לפעמים בחיים צריך קצת
There is nothing there
I am emotionless
No life no soul
Just an empty shell
Destined to walk this world
Hollow and alone
I’ve been here before
Walking in circles
Soulless and lost
Just like a ghost
The night grandma passed away
She closed her eyes of blue
I couldn't find any other eyes
That matched that beautiful hue
They were her favorite color
Like the color of the sky
Everything in her life was that blue
I always wondered why
I hadn't seen it since she passed
In anyone but her
I figured as soon as I found that shade
I wouldn't deter
I thought I found it in an angel
I met the night she passed
But she didn't send him, I know because
Him and I didn't last
My grandma only wanted
The best for her granddaughter
Even though her memories
Had been eaten by Alzheimer
Today I think I found that shade
Again in someone here
He has the same color eyes she had
He never gave me fear
I wonder if she sent me another angel
Who will take care of me
Better than the last one did
But I didn't know what he could be
Is he here to teach me a lesson
From below and not above
Or is he here to take care of me
Through those blue eyes, I'm his love
Grandma, who is this?
Can I trust the boy you sent?
Am I gonna be safe or put in harm?
Grandma, is he a gent?
Send me a sign that he is good
And this angel is nice too
You've seen my sadness and scoured heaven
Is he a gift from you?
Pain pain go away
Whoever told you that you could stay
Ruining my life, creating my fears
Making me weak as I cry these tears
I never wanted you to live
In my body, I have so much to give
You lingering will make me lose
Life or relief, that's what I choose
You twist my vision, you make me cry
Wonder out of everyone, why
You settle in and make yourself at home
While I want to bolt out and roam
Pain pain go away
Don't come back and please don't stay
Cause ever since you've settled in my head
I have wished that I was dead.
I'm a realist, mildly an idealist.
My ideas create a mindset that allows me to express feelings
But I build up a wall, high as a skyscraper..I stand, as a realist I know if I jump, I'm bound to meet my maker. I don't think idealist are weak.
I just think they escape the honesty they seek.
You don't walk a straight line in order for you to finally reach your peak.
Obstacles come and go, water is a need if you want to grow, you can't have a lightbulb without an idea and expect it to magically glow.
I know every action I do and especially when I am wrong but, I just won't rewrite all my wrongs, they inspire all of my greatest songs.
Optimistic that I'll make it, I just need more effort than 50 percent
because you get what you put in, as a realist I know if you put in half, half back is all you will ever get.
People remember your mistakes, the heroics they just simply forget.
I can't stand when people think it's okay to live a life without any regrets.
Sure things happen for a reason and karma "may" have your enemies morally bleeding, but your ideology sounds misguiding and thought process misleading. Karma is an excuse to allow a higher calling contribute to your spiteful abuse, you don't want the crime on your soul so you allow the angels to fatally shoot. It's fine, before we die, we all commit a crime.
Women kill, men steal, just being in love should require you to do time.
Born a realist sinner...far from an idealist winner
Success doesn't come over night
The sweet life doesn't come until after you've made your dinner..and cleaned the plate, but we're never satisfied...nah, we going to probably eat again late.
Work hard for the dream, don't just rely on faith.
A realist knows she may not show up, even when you scheduled a date.
It's all love to the victims, stuck in a fiction. If you hate this piece...your ignorance got you unable to listen.
Not my problem though. I'm speaking without any permission! I like that idea...oh Damn, wait...I think I just become my own contradiction?
...forget it, I'm healing, my words and unpredictable wisdom, I am still dealing.
Insanity is a fear that is expressed towards you when others have confusion
A realist, an idealist..no one is right...our concepts to each other seem all an illusion.