I guess I just wasn't ready to hear it,
I'd hoped that you'd stay the way you were long enough
to give me a chance
but now there's a harsh reality
and facts left to be faced,
the main one clearly saying you and I will never be.
You always had him on your mind,
I knew it was always that way
but did not want to believe it.
I don't really know why I let you in,
I should have locked my heart away several times over
to avoid you straining it again.
Years ago it was that way,
with the same one it is with today.
You're over there and I'm over here,
you've got him and he's got you,
we could never, ever work out.
I repeat the last three lines over and over in my head,
trying to better relieve myself that you and me is at its end.
He makes you happy,
so do I,
but in a different perspective and a different light.
I'll have to cut the soul ties holding me to you,
they've gotten thicker and thicker the more my mind has drifted to you.
How could I have allowed you in like this?
To let you play the keys and the strings of my soul
in this sharp, broken melody?
But you love him,
and you love me,
but you've always loved him differently.
I've got to let you go,
let loose my grip on the rope,
and fall freely,
because you're holding me over the edge.
I've got plans I need to make,
thoughts I need to think,
and not one of them involves you anymore.
This isn't as much a poem as it is something I hope a certain someone will read.
I don't use it all of the time maybe once a year but when
i do synaptic pathways are altered permanently
when hell is where i wish to go to laugh with the comedians of faces that
don't realize that they're smiling and taste the lips of my
face find in the dark a part of me that left off a year ago
a story almost lost
to mundanity I remember the
vibrant me that loved the world for reasons outside
of its control and loosened its grip on reality to make
others laugh in a general direction i'm pointing
the sad thing is that, one of the sad things is that,
it really erodes reality and drills holes in the brain literally
it's the only thing that's worked to bring me to the people
bringing the colors out of their spirits and loving the colors individually
but now i know it's all the same to everyone just another
raving mad crazy freaked out by the incongruity in scenery
only open spaces can pacify this stink face scowl
but now the self wants to know the nature of the world cracked open
and to do it takes some septic sewage scuba diving
through the poo of you and me
love is a proper alternative but who ever loved but understood
a metal street pole
I sit in the back of the class
Glancing at you in the corner of my eye
Watching you write, read, and listen
Memorizing the way you lean back in a chair
And how you always pack up with thirty seconds left
My English teacher once said
"Looking has power,
because when you're looking at someone
you have the upper hand because
you know what they're doing."
I suppose I have a lot of power over you
Because I constantly want to look at your beauty
And see how you smile
And listen as you laugh
Maybe one day, I'll get the courage to talk to you too
Let me be empty;
Being empty is all I know.
Stop with all you're doing,
I won't let these feelings grow.
Let me cry for others!
I don't feel my pain anymore.
It was that pain that left
My soul wasted and sore.
Let me love myself a little.
I am tired of loving him.
Please! Oh, please let me!
It makes those memories dim.
Let me; just let me to myself.
I know what I must do.
And when I'm finished doing it
I swear I'll be loving you.
Another finger tip,
another fine gentle brush of your skin.
Like a canvas you have painted this master piece.
Yet the pieces are made of me.
As the water colors start to run,
So do my emotions.
Or what is left of them.
I've really fucked up.
I've really fucked up.
I've really fucked up.
the canvas is complete.
First soul mate,
I'm in pieces,
and soon I will be gone.
the ticket’s too big to fit in my palm
the bag’s too heavy to trail behind
giants carried briefcases glued to their hands
and mourners took flight to the end of the world
my father’s gait was too fast
to keep up to for the short length of my legs
nina the yellow sheep bobbed happily along
as did the pig tails attached to my head with bows
despite the noise, the crowds, the lines
excitement fueled the erratic behavior of
the butterflies currently residing in my stomach
behind the 101 dalmatians t-shirt that dressed me
i never thought the airport would become a second home
the planes that flew over head while i looked at the sky
from my backyard would become not
just a mode of transportation
even if the thought appeared in my head
the young naive girl that i once was would be pleased
with the statement and rather excited as always
she would board 1000 planes and still wouldn’t have minded
the ticket is just an other piece of paper
and the bags were tattered with experience
the men with gray faces traveled with their gravestones
and the loved ones were still at the end of the world
my stranger’s gait was still too fast
but this time his urgency didn’t appeal
there was no stuffed animal to take away the dreams
just the headphones that contained the remedy
noisy crowds were just an other member of the family
they didn’t mind that the butterflies were now
dormant or dead or maybe they left when i had to
throw away my 101 dalmatians t-shirt
the 7 houses i previously occupied had all burned down
the airport was the only one still standing
it changed its face many times but held the same feeling
an airplane is a calm palace in the sky
sometimes i miss the girl that thought these houses were exciting
sometimes i miss the sweet naivety of her father’s ways
sometimes i miss the blank passport of the unknown
but then again 1000 planes later i don’t mind
"My birthday is in 5 days :3 I get excited like a kid ((:"
"You are like the sun light streaking through my window of life every morning, reminding me how blessed I am.... "
"My vocabulary linguistics can't fathom let alone transcend into expression the intense profound passion driven emotions I feel for you. It's called love, with a pinch of deep passion <3"
"The intensity of the feeling, the warmth in my stomach every time I say I love you, the passion of my heart ... It's like a very new and different, special feeling.. "
"I know you are smiling, you were smiling reading what I had to say and that's exactly how I know you look the most beautiful - smiling <3"
"I was at the hospital today, the doctor said I'd be fine. Don't ask for what or why, please."
"Best of luck........"
All the stuff you used to say to me. Everything.
I have them all imprinted on my mind,
in that secret corner that I dedicated as the space for you.
It's all there, everything.
From the first word you said to me,
till the last word.
They're all there, spinning around in my mind.
I woke up this morning with a tear stained face.
It seems like that's the only way I find myself
when I'm all alone or when I wake up these days,
With a tear stained face.
This morning, I washed away the tear stains and put on a big smile.
Pretended that I was okay. That nothing was bothering me.
What they say is true,
"the happiest of them are the ones who cry themselves to sleep."
You should talk to my pillow some time.
It'll tell you the truth.
That you're all I think about when I'm asleep.
You're always on my mind.
You've given me too much to remember, I can't forget you now.
It's too hard. I take this as punishment for letting you go.
9th December 2013 now.
At this exact moment, you're no longer 16.
15 more days, and I'll be as old as you were just 15 days before.
You're One year older than me.
I'm One year younger than you.
Wait for me to catch up please.
This race with time is driving me crazy now.
It's moving too fast.
I'm tripping too much.
I'm falling too hard.
It's getting harder to get up every day.
But I wont stop.
No matter what, I'll keep running.
'Cause I live with a hope that you'll come back some day.
They say you wont. That I'm being stupid. But deep in my heart,
I know you will come back. I really do.
Prove them wrong, my love. Come back.
And we'll knucklebump one more time and start off from right where we left,
Cause after you get here, nothing will be wrong again.
Till you get back, I'll just settle down by wishing you a very happy birthday [on here].
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and tease
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn’t have to bother with me, I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both and had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt like I was the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out and put her in to get her GED
Soon she was out within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
The sunlight settles on the floor
Where you once stood.
The dust that's scattered
Across the broken floorboards
Resembles your shape.
Everything reminds me
Still lingers in the air
To the back of my throat .
Shadows now creep
Upon the empty sheets
That we where once
That was once filled
With your laughter
You left without a trace
Yet what you left behind
i pray before i go to sleep
for dreams of indication, i dare ask
for a blasphemous forecast
i made no sense to you
so you woke up from me
you only did what you had to.
the day you left it stormed like you
ripped the stitches out of the sky,
it screamed, you heard it
barbed wire cloud prison couldn’t get you high,
imitation instead of its own crimson,
i am your overrated horror film
and the windshield cracks
along the half circle where the wipers
sweep away the rain
i can hear my voice from days ago
falling on the hood, i meant what i said
when i said
if you want to escape me
why shouldn’t i