Lost and Found in a World of Polarity
The wounds are deep
But as divine healers our mission is to treat
Negativity all around
From even those whose sacred mission is the same
Those Playing at the blind man’s game
Excusing themselves for pawns
Not understanding in life as in chess
You are the King
One step boldly
Conquering the pieces in the path
Death is the joker, rest assured of his last laugh
Smile warmly, for he sits upon your left
Fractals Fractals all around
What is big is small
Your quiet actions ring loud
in the cosmos’ heart
Reverberating onward out
One step boldly, all must start
Understanding the art of the self
You are the mountain
Summit your Self
The eye at the pyramid’s peak Stands for reason
Seeing all sides evenly
(Yet) We're all Jack and Jill
tumbling down the akashic hill
Lost In a polarized world
Sin is in
Our animal nature
Worn as a scar
Reminding us of the cost
To be who we are
Find The fire ever burning
Upon even your last breath
Part in parcel
Rising like the phoenix for your heart to soar
transcending time and space
All the stories nevermore
with three days to go before the Federal poll
it is looking like Abbott is the one we'll extol
he's on track to obtain a plethora of our votes
we're taking a shine to his better policy notes
this Saturday we'll be waving farewell to Rudd
his tenure as our Prime Minister has been a dud
the Labor team just aren't equipped for the job
as a consequence of this we'll be shooing that mob
the constituency can't wait to get on Abbott's train
we've had enough of Rudd's well worn refrain
change is in the air and its smell is really fragrant
the Liberals charging toward victory most gallant
soon we'll have a much fresher stewardship
a better crew will be running the nation's ship
with Abbott at the helm we'll be sailing along fine
Rudd will be left swallowing the voter's brine
Time is something that is always changing; yet it always moves at a constant pace. My story includes such a small period of time. In one day, there are twenty-four hours, and somewhere in those few hours of January 15th, 2011, my life changed in the blink of an eye. Within seconds, someone I love stopped breathing. It changed everything. But, my story begins a few hours before that.
Wake up. I always have to tell myself to wake up. I wake up and it is a beautiful Saturday. I walk into the living room of my house, where the sun is shining bright through all the windows and I feel like it is going to be a good day. I usually wake up on the weekend home alone, but this time I walk around until I find my dad and my little brother, Phillip.
Dad: “Phillip and I are going to a Valdosta State basketball game later today, if you would like to come.”
I immediately think of my best friend James. James is a part of my family. He got along with my dad and brother better than I did. The basketball game with them would be a lot easier to endure if James went along. He is the older brother I never had.
I pick up my phone and call James, to invite him to join us. He doesn’t answer. James always answers. His phone goes straight to voicemail. I remember a time in the past that I called James with a stupid boy dilemma. James was in the middle of football camp, but he called a timeout. He picked up the phone for me then. I am always James’ first priority, so something seems wrong. I call Drew, James’ best friend, and his phone goes straight to voicemail as well. Something definitely seems wrong. I try to convince myself that I’m overthinking. I always overthink and I always worry too much, so this could be nothing. James is just busy. He’ll call me back later.
An hour or two pass by without response from either James or Drew. As I am cleaning up my room trying to keep my mind busy, I receive a text message from my friend Emily.
Emily: “What’s wrong with James?”
Emmaline (me): “What are you talking about?”
Emily: “I see on Facebook that many people are writing on James’ wall, saying that they are praying for him. Why are people praying for him? What happened?”
Little did she know that I was asking myself the same questions. What in the world is going on!?
Emmaline (me): “Umm, I’m not sure. He hasn’t been answering my calls. I’ll try to find out.”
James was a huge part of the church community. He was the first person that brought me to the church I’ve been attending for the past three years. He was a mentor to me; if it weren’t for James I would not have found the faith that has saved me. After those texts messages, I decided to call someone from the church to see if they knew what was going on with him. Mackenzie answered my call.
Mackenzie: “James and Drew went out duck hunting this morning at a place called Ocean Pond, and James is missing. Drew is fine, but he doesn’t know where James is.”
My heart immediately dropped to my chest. The gut feeling I had been experiencing all day that something was wrong was rapidly increasing, and I suddenly couldn’t keep still.
My thought processes jumped to visualize duck hunting. I thought, when you go duck hunting, it is a little different from hunting ground animals like deer. When you hunt ducks, you spend the entire time on a boat. You don’t go missing on a small boat. James wasn’t playing hide-and-seek. James being missing meant that he was lost somewhere in the water. The odds weren’t looking very good. Maybe I’m worrying too much, but I’m being rational. Right? I put my phone down and slowly slid out of my chair onto the floor. I lay on the floor for hours, crying. My brother came in from outside and just stared at me. My chest was on fire; I have never felt so much pain in my life. The amount of emotional pain transformed to a physical pain that I felt in the pit of my stomach. The sun that made me happy when I first woke up now began to burn my eyes. I felt like I was sinking, but in reality the only person sinking was my best friend, drowning in icy water.
When I could finally stop crying enough to talk, I call my mom. My mom was not home this weekend; she was at the beach with some of her good friends from college. She did not take the news as heavily as I did.
Mom: “He’s just sitting somewhere in the marsh where the water is really shallow. Someone will find him. He’ll be fine, I know he will.”
I begin to feel somewhat better. I tell myself that this does not have to be a death sentence. James could be fine. I decide to call Mackenzie from church again and invite her and her mom to my house to keep me company while we wait for news.
Hours and hours pass by, yet still no news comes. The church and community decides to hold a prayer session at a local park for all the people worried about James. Mackenzie, her mom and I drive out to the park. Hundreds of people were at the park. All of them were there for James. All of us stood in a circle, teary-eyed, and prayed. I have never seen my community come together like that. Rival schools and teammates, people old, young, and teenage. Teachers, preachers, friends, athletes, fathers, mothers, so many people were at the park for James.
We went around in the circle and each person told their story of how much James meant to them. James was a brother to many. He was a mentor, a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a pal to laugh with. James was the one person that convinced a girl to graduate from high school. James was the friendly face that ate lunch with a boy that was alone and contemplating suicide. I had no idea that James meant so much to people other than me.
All it took was seconds, maybe minutes for James to drown. The water was below freezing. The gear that he was wearing was built to weigh him down in order to be able to wade in shallow waters. In deeper waters, he would surely and quickly sink. He drowned quickly, and within seconds he stopped breathing. However, it took search and rescue a month to recover his body. Days of worry and prayer turned into weeks. I had to return to school and try to go on with my life, as if I didn’t feel like it was all falling apart.
Finally, one crisp February morning, a search dog found my James’ body.
I was in my Advanced Placement Environmental Science class, and my phone rang from a number of different people. I went to the bathroom to return a call and found out that someone found my best friend’s dead body. I knew it wasn’t smart to hold on to any kind of hope that he was alive, but knowing he was actually dead made the situation suddenly very real. I tried to return to class, but I ended up sitting right beside the door, crying harder than ever. I had to go out to Ocean Pond, where I spent most of my time for the past month watching divers search for him. I had to go out there and see it.
By the time I arrived at the site, there was nothing left to see. James’ body had been recovered and I would never see him again. All that was left was a teary funeral, and abrupt good-byes that I wasn’t ready to give. To this day I don’t know how to say good-bye to James. I visit his grave, and I don’t know how to leave the picture of his face.
Losing someone you deeply love so quickly is probably one of the most difficult things to experience. I am so thankful that James left behind such a beautiful story, and such a wonderful legacy. The first day I met James, he told me, “Hey girl. You know, I love you. I really do. I would take a bullet for you.” When someone says those kinds of things to you without even knowing you for twenty-four hours, it feels strange. But, James knew time meant everything. He knew that all it takes is minutes, seconds, to change someone’s life forever.
The thing that is so astonishing about James’ story, is that he understood how quickly everything can change. When James was alive, a fellow student of his died in a motorcycle crash. James was devastated that he had not reached out to this boy before it was too late. That night, in a note on Facebook entitled “The Clock is Ticking,” James wrote a short paragraph that showed the depth of his understanding of life. He wrote, “Take time to love someone. Today, Tomorrow, For the rest of your life. Because when that unexpected day comes that they pass on, you'll be left wondering what you could've done better. How you could have made them feel more welcome, and show that you do care for them. Don't wait until it's too late like I did. Show the love that Jesus has for you to everyone you see. Let your heart break for what breaks His. Christ is enough. Let Him show you life. You never know who He may touch through you. It is so sad that it takes a tragedy like this to comprehend how our days are numbered. Only He knows. Keep your faith in Him. He will bless you beyond belief. Our job is right now. This very second. So often, God gives me a little nudge towards someone.. and I put it off until the next day.. and then the next and then the next. Stop stalling. God put us on this earth for HIS glory. Not ours.. and so many times, the things I do always point back to me and my stupid self righteousness. So do something with me. Everyone. If this just touches one person, I will have done my job. Don't stall. Judgement is a heart beat away.”
Society made me.
Society made me who I am.
They made me do it.
I did as they told me to do.
Was I busty enough?
Was I sexy enough?
I had to show them how it's done.
I had to be worthless
to be worth someone's time.
I had to do all of those things
so they would like me.
But they didn't,
they never did.
They are ripping my clothes off,
trying to take what is left of me.
There's so little left.
I barely see it anymore.
No rays of light,
It's worse when they aren't here.
When I look in the mirror,
I'm not there.
I don't think I'm here either.
I seek temporary comfort,
cold and lifeless.
Oh you don't want to know.
I should get help,
but there's no reason to anymore.
I don't need help.
I am awake in this nightmare,
and nothing will get me out.
It is my burden to carry with me.
I'll be loved,
just not now.
I want to feel beautiful.
I don't want to be another object.
I want to break my walls that I am trapped in.
I just can't.
I'm not strong enough.
I let it all come down upon me.
I have no anchor.
Society made me.
Society made me who I am.
Do not wait for a call
That will never come
There will be no ringing
Or songs of love by angels sung
Dont destroy your self
For one whose affection is cruel
Avoid allowing your soul to be lost
In a mire of regret and pain
A terrible cost
Never give your all
Or there will be nothing left
No shining tomorrows
Only despair and sorrow
An empty dial tone
Do not wait
This poem is copyrighted and stored in author base. All material subject to Copyright Infringement laws
Section 512(c)(3) of the U.S. Copyright
Act, 17 U.S.C. S512(c)(3), Tammy M. Darby
I want to know the love;
The love that feels.
Holds you in it's depths-
Don't think, feel the way our skin meets.
Your eyes hold the world in their glossy depths
I wish the feelings inside me would be more easily expressed.
Your arms carry my dreams in them,
You take away the pain with a touch of your fingertips.
These close moments hold the depth of my soul in relation to yours.
These words I write are the life I need to stop the pain now...
In the day I fear little; in the night I fear your god-
The power he holds over you.
Homesick for your missing hands,
The thoughts leave my mind in slumber.
The pure white blankness of my dreams-
Dreams aren't always blank.
To hope never to die with a scream on my lips, but beneath the weight of your love is all I can ask.
Dear, release me from this coma of passionlessness.
Watch me til you're gone
The soft little words you've left will be my life vest;
The perfect acceptance to believe your sweet heart and it's devotion, my buoy above the water's dark depths.
Moments with my hands in your hair; your hips on mine, are the only ones that I feel the pleasure of purity.
Isn't that ironic?
She loved her mother.
She had been in love.
She'd had her heart broken.
She loved her friends.
She liked to smoke.
She enjoyed reading.
She enjoyed learning.
She believed in kindness.
She loved music.
She was only half a person.
She hated to be alone.
She was emotional.
She loved deeply.
She had no one that was hers.
She cherished her memories.
She liked to take pictures.
She remembered the unimportant.
She forgot everything.
She gave up on a lot of things.
She wasn't beautiful.
She cried a lot.
She was compassionate.
She wanted more.
She knew something was missing.
She hated herself sometimes.
She knew a lot things.
She didn't know much.
She got her diploma.
She continued her education.
She left her soul mate because she wasn't his.
She loved her best friend.
She didn't eat animals.
She loved her brothers.
She had tattoos.
She hated her job.
She got caught with marijuana.
She didn't go to jail.
She disliked the government.
She appreciated the small things in life.
She loved to laugh.
She knew she was mortal.
She didn't like to think about death.
She didn't know what to do with her life.
She could do a lot of things.
Livid, then the jogging man pushing his child with cerebral palsy glided beside me, and I felt sick with petty spite.
I ran to the building for the nearest bathroom and vomited back every saccharine word I ever breathed into your mouth.
Excuse the blood, the ulcers you left are raw today.
I haven’t eaten joy or devoured love since while putting your blouse back on, I came up behind you and kissed the back of your neck and whispered that next to your eyes, that was my favorite part of your body.
I washed the spite and vomit out of my mouth with tap water and shame, they both tasted metallic against my tongue, like biting too hard and the jolt of tines on teeth.
I bit the fork and tasted regret and chipped enamel.
Is that what his tongue tastes like for you?
When you kiss his neck, does part of you still taste my skin?
The smell of the ocean that you only ever visited once, but every day for more than a year.
Do your fingers ever expect to tangle themselves in the seaweed of my curly hair?
I've been trying to remember your scent. You smelled of running through apple orchards, the sweat and the blossoms on the air whipping between trees and seaweed curls, the ocean.
I can only remember the taste of sea salt and chipped teeth.
But when you taste his lips, do you ever taste the salt of me?
Do you ever smell the ocean in the air, the ocean on my lips?
you've left my bed,
I know this because your shadow has crossed the sheets,
and I can't help but think and wonder
where you're going.
you tell me that you love me
while we make love
but I can't be sure,
for I don't know if you're talking to me
or my body,
or more importantly, my soul.
I know I am far to young
and my backup sources would disapprove
but I am so in love with you
that I think no one could stop it.
not even the boy in english class,
or the girl that is my best friend;
or even my own parents.
i just hope
you feel the same way when we make love, too.
I cannot feel my legs and my mind is numb
I refuse to hear your breath and my mouth is dumb
I can feel your hands, but I am not here
For I have gone away now
Away, to where you cannot find me, the real me
To a place where i finally feel safe, where i can be alive.
I have switched off my soul to survive this place
My flesh is detached and floats away from my face
I can sense your thrusts, in a different world
You may touch my body, not me.
me, that was a long time ago, before
Before the monster that paid a visit at night.
Now look inside me, and see the curdled mother's milk
that courses through my veins.
Twisted molecules of white, distorting purity of thought.
Do you really know how you destroyed my life
With your fatherly tone and that emotional knife
Held up to the heart of a vulnerable girl
Oh, how I wish I were dead
and yet, part of me is, for some of my life is over
Bud plucked, never to bloom the flower of unbridled youth
The black hole of the past pulls me back to those arms
I struggled so hard against those paternal charms
Alas, what chance a girl, who loved daddy so much
Please make my pain go away.
But it won't, deep inside, under granite blocks of hate
Hate for you and hate for me, how did we let this happen?
Grown up now, and struggling to cope
Life seems so hard I often have no hope
it all looks so black, here within my soul
Oh, to wipe the slate clean.
A vehicle of love used as a weapon of betrayal
How sick we all must be!
Half forgotten memories jump out of my mind
Oh how they came, and when you were so kind
Couldn't you see how tormented I was
God help me, for no one else will.
Time does not heal my angst, nor will it ever
You and you, father and friend will you ever comprehend?
Chameleon colours play a role in my life
Artificial boundaries, coping with strife
keep out tomorrow and push away the past
but somehow today sneaks on in.
i have left my body now, detached, flying away to safety
All males left behind, good and bad, partitioned off
Even as I ignore it, the past comes right back
biding its time for a surprise attack
How can I cope with this onslaught of love
So get out of my life right now.
The past, the past, those nights, oh revulsion, oh confusion
Lust, love, like, remorse, pain, a wailing cacophany of lost childhood.
I attempt to embrace a man, maturity found
But I lose my nerve, looks like dangerous ground
An immense struggle for a girl so fragmented
Can I ever become whole?
I wear my clothes, loose around my body
Passion and pain walled off from prying eyes.
Alone, am I sentenced to spend my life alone
for who will throw this dog an intimate bone ?
I need the courage to embrace my shadows
oh please help me face the past.
The light of your affections just cannot reach my soul, deep inside
The escape velocity of my sanity is not enough
I so want to let go, have my feelings reign free
Yet I can't, for the hurt residing deep within me
Imagine, for a minute, the cross that I bear
No wonder, I stay out of sight.
You see, i only feel connected when i am alone and safe
Yet i so yearn to love and be loved, vulnerable.
Finally, today I held you tight and felt your manhood
and it did not remind me of my childhood
Agony past and pain retreated
Will this last forever I ask?
Those boundaries that were so cruelly invaded
by one who said "I love you", left me exposed.
So brick by brick I built up my self esteem
Self confidence at last, but is it all a dream
Open my eyes, will this all fade away
swept off on the winds of self doubt.
One step at a time, out from the abyss, that cave of betrayal
I will hold this moment tightly and treasure it.
Dare I believe in this place called trust?
A handhold hacked in the rockface of my tortured mind
Will it bear the weight of tomorrow's reality?
I can only hope the silver thread that pulls me up
shall guide me forever forward
away from that sickness of him who is left behind.
I am a survivor and I shall reach the summit
of life's possibilities, although I have to tell you
Base camp did not help my journey!