You know something's changed you but you don't know how.
some part of you is reshaped
the night feels different
the air is penetrable
I cup my hands around it
somehow it makes me sad.
sitting and listening
familiarity moves like the tides
until it doesn't exist
until it is as vast as the waves
looking out over dark water and letting it
eat you up
I am swallowed
can't find anything
in this heap of skin and bones of a body
the moon falls out of the sky
and everything is so quiet
all while I lay so still on navy blue sheets
navy blue like the water
and I'm carried
it seems easy to believe,
in you and me
when the promise of the light in your eyes,
seeps through my indecision.
my fingertips sliding across the palate of your every inch.
the spaces i have touched painting, colors tracing my every outline,
intertwining between all the small details that define us.
red, like fire, conviction,
spreading across my chest with blinding heat.
echos of animosity, as the lingering flames crawl across the embers they once drew upon.
blue, breaking against waves of progress,
aches washing away with each pull of the moon.
White froths of inspiration.
the sun lay just above, you see?
forrest green, branching through my veins.
spinning life through my every corner.
your skin like spring,
leaves falling to my feet as you pull away once more.
tears, wrong way signs, fails and falters,
dancing themselves into a web,
tangling me into your response.
deep rust, connection.
iron lending to our foundation.
a place to plot the seeds of what could be.
a place to rest our old souls,
once our bodies can longer be seen.
and when the world threatens to break me,
break this beautiful chaos of color,
i will lay here,
in a sea of lavender,
with you my love,
singing songs, with melodies like rainbows, and clocks that run on shades.
while you fill my dreams with sweet memories of our painted past.
The bestial part of me
It makes sleep impossible
It craves the basic things
Feeding it is impractical
I caged all my demons
The only tomb was my body
They gnaw at their bars
Now I have heart burn
This long battle of ethics
It hasn't made me happier
I know I have honor
I fear it is worthless
I gutted my romantic
His entrails became beautiful
My logic has new wallpaper
I miss being infatuated
I cleaned up my appearance
I covered it in fallacy
That make-up is acidic
My honesty is melting
When I lay down to rest
My beast screams for freedom
I hates its captivity
It must remained chained
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
The horses were spooked and stamping the ground,
Rearing their heads at the sights that they found.
The men mended naught as they stumbled away
Even the strongest of hearts would not stay.
Diamonds were turned into rocks in the sky
While the King counted coins in his castle up high.
His wife, unobserved, once lovely and kind
Now talks to her cards and locks up her mind.
All of the cat disappeared but his tail,
Alice drank potions all to no avail.
My beautiful bonnie died over the sea,
For nobody brought back my bonnie to me.
The dish and the spoon ran away but were caught,
The cat and the fiddle played but were fought
Rapunzel heard voices say 'let down your hair!'
But with every call she found nobody there.
The Grand Duke of York with his men more than plenty
Blundered up hills ‘till he had less than twenty.
Their pockets of posies were trampled in dirt,
Watchéd by eyes that no man would avert.
So there Humpty lay in pieces apart
Gone are his mind and his voice and his heart
Remains are a pile of dust, once his shell
And the long lasting echoes of a funeral bell
Ramblings Part I
Hippy dippy weather men, continued dark all night,
one potato, two potato, keep trying until I get it right,
you roll em up and roll em up, mark em with a 'B',
put em in the oven, the truth shall set you free,
every time I close my eyes, something new goes down,
feel like Mr. Parker, lost in Barrytown,
the caves in Altimira provide historic news,
before Elvis it was Carl, who had those blue suede shoes
ding dong the witch is dead, at least that's what they say,
does wearing garlic necklaces, keep werewolves away,
or am I thinking vampire chicks, who like to play the game,
keep those fangs where they belong, I'm not here to claim
I know I've seen your face before, is must have been in a dream,
I've been in this chase before, a very familiar theme,
the small brown fox, chased a large black bear,
not very smart, unless you really don't care
heart equals love, love equals pain,
anyone who's been in love, has also been insane,
please excuse me , don't mean to intrude,
hope you don't think, that I'm being rude
will the politicians, ever get it right,
they say one thing, then change it overnight,
we keep replacing them, but nothing seems to change,
is there something wrong with me, but doesn't that seem strange
I bet I can keep this up, then again maybe not,
too much Sterlings Merritage, the killer's changed the plot,
now I need to lay it down, say good nite with an angels kiss,
once again I search the sky, look for the abyss
I will lay here and weep for a while
I will mourn the bereavement of my sweetest memories
I will remember every lovely thing you ever spoke to me
I will wait for the tears to subside
I will wait for the sun to rise
I will hope to love again
I will miss you
I will live
The street lights are rather lonely this time of year
Faintly glowing among the humid summer transition
They’re calling out the names of my friends and memories
Quoting verses written by Bukowski
“there’s no chance
we are all trapped
by a singular
They drift down
Hauntingly with a dulled yellow hue
Softer than a whisper and fainter than a feather
“I always had this certain
I wouldn’t call it
Sometime’s I’ll lay under them on nights I could be out partying
I’ll lay down and listen and reminisce
Walking through this town
Talking about this place
We’re all hoping to become Streetlights
It was just a little test for myself
Sometimes I like to do that, throw little challenges here and there
I wanted to see if I could do what most girls fail at
I wondered if I could spend the night with the cutest guy in school and not get attached
A little drugs, a little drinking, the rest of the night together making memories he wouldn't remember
But I woke up in the morning and left, freaking out
I picked up my clothes and tried to put them on silently so I wouldn't wake him up
I didn't want him to be angry
He truly does have the most beautiful face I've ever seen
Before I snuck out the door left ajar,
I peeked back at him
I'd never seen his hair product-less and messy like that
I'd never seen his face so far away, thousands of miles in dreams and thoughts
This man who drank and swore and didn't seem to have any soul at all
Then looked to me like a beautiful, vulnerable child
I knew I had to get out before the feelings came so I ditched that room as fast as possible
I hopped over unconscious bodies still recovering from the haze of the previous night's party
I finally found an empty recliner
And dozed off
I woke up two hours later in a fright
I was in a room full of people I didn't even like
Why did I go to that party anyway
Those were not my people
Drugs and drinking were not my thing
Oh, now I remember
It was his birthday party
He who held me like a baby after a night of acts that would make any mother cringe
I knew this recliner was a bad idea and wondered if there was any way I could get back in bed with that beautiful boy
I knew I'd always regret it if I didn't
I opened the door as silently as possible
and crawled back under those thick white sheets
I tried to lay as far away as possible,
because people who don't have feelings for each other do not need to hold each other more than necessary
And he had none for me
And I could not have feelings for him
Just when I felt a hollow sadness strike
He reached out his foot and placed it adjacent to mine, a small gesture
I let his instep match mine and sighed inexorably with content
This little touch filled me with a happiness I'd never known
No feelings though, remember?
I chased that thought away and let my other foot get tangled up in his
My legs followed and soon we were cuddled up again
I peeked at him again and saw a trace of a smile on that (hungover and half-asleep, but beautiful) face
I wanted to kiss him but I wasn't sure if that was allowed
So I just pressed my smile against his arm
We laid there forever it seemed
Eventually though, he held me out at arms length and leaned away from me and began to cough
He coughed a few times and apologized,
then coughed just a few more
Then he went back to sleep
I can't explain the way I felt when those coughs hit him
I wanted to reach out and hold him
I know he smokes way too much
But I felt like it was my fault his lungs weren't perfect
I wanted to protect him from all things bad like coughing
All the signs were there before, now that I look back
But that's the exact moment when I knew feelings were going to be a problem
It feels as if I’m drowning,
Waiting for someone to come and aid me,
But time keeps tick-tick-tocking away
As if it’s in a race.
I wonder if my soul is racing against other souls
To see who could outrun the other
Or who could swim more
Than the person next to them.
I wonder if my soul is determining
Whether or not
This fishbowl is worth
All the fight and struggle.
Because I like to think my brain and my heart
Are battling each other for dominance.
Battling each other to see who could outsmart the other,
To see which organ is needed more.
They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea,
But who’s to say
That there aren’t beasts and sharks
In the tank either?
A hundred miles below the horizon
Lie creatures that haven’t been discovered.
Yet so similar to our minds.
The grey matter that nurse our ideas
And cultivate them
They hide our innermost thoughts
And dreams lay hidden under them,
Waiting for the right moment to spring up.
My feet are straddling the edge of the cliff.
My heart’s racing,
And my mind is telling me to jump,
But I’m afraid of the unknown
And I don’t know what to expect
Once I dive in.
That night, my eyes paraded along beige pages
Dripping with satire, self-loathing and daddy issues
And I felt the cynic in me dance like a madman
Who had just snapped the neck of a baby bird
Cruel and unsympathetic, but dancing all the same
And then my eyes met a string of printed black shapes
Which halted me, though lukewarm in comparison
To its sibling pushes of ink, jeering and suicidal
The shapes read,
“People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”
It was something I'd touched several times before
But denied myself to hold on to
I would catch it like a leaf in the wind
Then my eyes would cross its black spots
And I would let it go, brushing my hands of it
But that night, in my madman craze and my sneering laughter,
I felt the familiar bother of a leaf orbiting my skull
And my eyeball parade froze and my madman feet could dance no more
So I lay there until I felt the sun blush and heard the birds begin to sing
For it was not one of their own laying still, plagued by demise