I'm so jealous of you, Jack;
I wish I could feel that.
I wish I could feel all those things that you feel.

I know I told you that I don't like wishes.
But I wish it so fucking bad.

It's so fucking empty.
So. Fucking. Empty.

I can hear every heartbeat echoing inside me.
I swear,
My heart is getting sick
and tired
of hearing the sound of it's own voice.

It is pleading for silence now,
I'm certain.
Pleading.

Is there any way to stop it?

I wish that I could tell you all of this.
Because then you might know me better,
You might understand me more.

But then again, you might misunderstand too,
You might feel hurt.
(Oh, nevernevernever do I ever want to hurt you)

THERE IS JUST NO WAY TO EXPLAIN.

Nononono.
But it does not mean that I don't care,
I promise.
It is not that I don't love you.
It just means that
I love differently.
I think.

(And I always, always think you are amazing.
I really, really do.)

But I couldn't ever really explain it.
I could never really explain.

Nonononononono.

It's
It's
It's
It's this empty bit.
An incompleteness.
You cannot fill it with a piece of jigsaw.
It is not just a space, the empty bit.
It does not consist of nothing,
It is not made up of air,

The empty bit is something solid,
Like steel
or stronger.
A wedge
between us,
Protruding from my own body.
A barrier to everything.

I don't know whether it makes me safer,
or more vulnerable.
But I do know
that it seems it will just always, always be between us.

Oh,
I hate it, hate it.
Trying, trying.
It torments me.
I go crazy,
I go insane.
Trying and trying to get it, to feel it.
I reach out, but there's a wall there.
Why is there a wall, Jack?

Why is there a fucking wall?

Jack, I need you.

You're the ill within my stomach
The numb within my leg
The C-clamp that squeezes
My brain...
You see,
I don't have to vision your
Presence to know that you
Are here
I feel you everywhere
And you roam about like
The irritation of an itch
Within my skin
Go away! I beg of you
As I say with a silence
In hopes of you grasping
Rapidly the urgency to comprehend
My position
The space between Us
Isn't far enough
In distance
And the toxic in your
Oxygen is suffocating me
So,Please please!
Just give me many seconds
To breathe
The air that is my Own
The air that brings
Forth such refreshment
Like,Citrus and lavender
Vanilla,a little cinnamon
Splashed with a bit of
Almond and yes some Honey
Allow me a moment to take in
The air that's  familiar
To me
My Oxygen
I know to be
The Home within
Me...

Those majestic immovable mountains
As mesmerizing as the prettiest fountains.
No. More so, I know so
Standing here on the highest plateau.
The sky depicts a deep dark hue of blue,
A hue that can make all stress subdue’d.
The air somehow heavier, harder to breathe,
As if God Himself forced my lungs to seethe.
The higher I climbed, the more it burned,
Til the top I reached, and rested, well-earned.
How blue the sky is! I would say,
No wonder they come here to sit and pray.
So close to Heaven, I wonder in awe
If They can see my each and every flaw.
Like a speck on a microscope slide,
I felt Eyes moving with my every stride.
I laughed; what else could I do?
Facing those mountains, refusing to move,
Making their stand, their point to prove.
Stretching far beyond my scope of sight,
These fearless peaks displayed their might.
It was me versus God, no one else there.
I was all alone in the cold thin air.
Now is the time to ask, I thought,
Of all the questions and answers I sought.
I glared at the heavens and began to vent
On why things happened, and what they meant.
And on the mysteries of life, time, and space
Why some people are good, while others disgrace.
Can there be no right in a wrong-filled world,
Where hope is dying, withered, and curled?

O why must Your will be done?
When I have fallen,
  Is that when You’ve won?
Why do You listen, and help me not?
Do You watch me in silence,
  Or have You just forgot?

Nothing.

I waited for something, an answer, a sign,
Something amazing, something divine.
My yells were turned into echoing spears
Of anger, frustration, and fading tears.
So this is my answer, I mused, understanding.
My life unto you I will be handing.
For I am to walk this earth alone
Soul ever pining for one like my own.
My greatest desire caught in the wind
Carrying my hopes, now chagrined.
But here the mountains will not tire,
They will forever rise higher and higher.
Making their point, remaining unshaken
Here their honor will not be taken.
At last, I shuffled down the gentle slope
Clinging to one last, final, hope.

A gentle breeze brushed against my cheek,
Could something this subtle be what I seek?
I thought of my family and friends who care,
The ones who have stories and memories to share:
Speeding on the highway with the windows down
Yelling with the radio from town to town.
Dancing ‘round cones on a dark-lit stage,
And making money at minimum wage.
Of awkward hawks and dynasties,
And engines failing overseas.
Discussing life, women, and the mind,
And how one so insightful can be so blind.

An epiphany occurred right then and there,
That I wasn’t alone; I shouldn’t despair.
And that ever-gentle breeze picked up once again
Aiding my trek down the gentle terrain.
The mountains continue their looming presence
But for now they don’t seem as intense.
As I set foot onto solid, flat ground
I realized I was lost, and now I’ve been found.


3/12/2009
(c) MDC

I think you're lovely
I know you don't feel like you are
but I really wish you could see through my perspective
because I catch the glimmer in your eyes
when you see your nephew running towards you
or the grin that widens across your face when you get to help someone who is in need
even though you might not have much to give
I think you're lovely because I get to witness all the little parts of you
that define who you are
Such as the way you constantly tap your pencil when you're trying to focus
or when you involuntarily bounce your leg rapidly up and down
the way your lips move when you talk
and the way you hold me tighly against you when it's time to go
but most of all
I think you're lovely
because you make me feel lovely too

See the mountains shrouded in mist,
These low lying clouds wanting to be kissed
By the unsettling beauties
Performing their duties
Trying not to be missed.

On those peaks rest blankets of snow
Covering more than clouds know
The roads must abide
On this mountainside
Like the rivers long ago.

And like a river, it splits down the way
Do I aim for the top so far away?
Or stay on the ground
With hardly a sound
Beside the trees and sway?

But of course, I’ll aim for the sky
Silky blue sheet where the heavens lie
I won’t stop and fail
Behind a hazy veil
And say I couldn’t even try.

On that winding path I follow
Finding people filled with sorrow
They had enough
When the going got tough
Wishing for a better tomorrow.

The troubled souls shed sadness to me
Despite the fact that I am free
Of dramatic woes,
Threatening foes,
And thoughts of things to be.

Trudging forward despite the pain
The mourning clouds reply with rain
But I mustn’t veer
From my goal, now so clear
For there is much to be gained.

Unable to see too far ahead
My mind fills with awe, not with dread
For life’s an adventure
And I’m in the center
Of a story yet to be read.

3/3/12
© MDC

What is your greatest fear?
Do you worry about the past
The present, the future?
Do yesterdays woes play on your mind?
Or the worries of tomorrow?
How about the angsts of today?
What is your greatest fear?
Does money concern you?
Do you envision that a lack of material wealth will make you a lesser person?
Or that you won't be able to provide
For your mother, wife or children?
What is your greatest fear?
Do you fear great adventure?
From missions across treacherous terrains,
To learning something new.
Or maybe the unknown?
Does a non-existent threat debilitate and paralyse you?
What is your greatest fear?
I would say mine own is the fading of a great ability
To make words dance across a page as if they possess a life of their own
To link together phrases, to bring life to seemingly dreary monologues
To paint pictures with nouns and adjectives
Record films with verbs and adverbs
This is a gift I have been blessed with
Yet
I am scared
For I do not know when my time will come
And this pushes me
But until then?
I shall do what I know best
I shall write, query and ponder all the great questions life has for us
So I ask you
What is your greatest fear?

This 'system' here- it sure is funny
They're dictators in the pursuit of money
Good teachers, maybe, but leaders? No!
They're actors just ready to put on a show.
We get up, begrudgingly, angry every morning
Acting pretty whipped on these prisons we're boarding
We've gotten all pretty, gotten dressed- the whole lot
Setting ourselves up for no life lessons to be taught.
We act on our hormones and never question why
The boys are all laughing as the girl sits and cries
It's actually pretty cruel, if you think on it now
She pulls her pride together like her strength should allow.
High school can be scary, it's rough and it's mean
Just as horrible and funny as the bullies can be
There's homework and grades and competition galore
You get called names like ugly, nobody, and whore.
One day when I'm aging and look back at it here
One day on the porch, nope, I won't shed a tear
I'll remember my pictures and lockers and books
I'll remember when I melted from just a single look.
Remember the dresses, the dances, the games
Think of my self-confidence every day put to shame
Reminisce being me and trying to be cool
Sigh as I think of myself being a fool.
Because now it doesn't matter, I'm happy and me
High school was not like the movies made it seem
The actors ran around, they sang and they danced
We never saw what it'd be like to have your house refinanced.
It was the simplest things they never bothered to show
Like writing a check or tying a bow
The little important things is what I know now
High school is a joke- I just wonder how.

I don't want success. I want significance. I yearn to touch everyone. Explore their deepest fears, darkest secrets, most passionate desires, and beautiful weaknesses. My heart cries to save us all. I can't live for science. For math. For facts. I live to watch you breathe while you sleep. I live to stroke your spine and reassure you that it will all be okay. I live to trace your scars with my fingertips and leave my swirling prints on your skin forever. I live to give you hope for the present and future even though the past still glimmers menacingly behind your eyes and threatens to tear you apart. You are imperfect, and to me, you couldn't be more perfect. You have a purpose. You are beautiful because you don't believe it. I want you to know I love your every flaw. I love your every failure. I will go to the end of the world to rekindle your inner fire, and that is all I need.  Now I know that success will never make me whole. I only crave to kiss your wounds and make You whole again. I ache for you to understand you are significant and I want to touch your life in an invaluable way that resonates in your dreams, thoughts, and hopes. I am intelligent, but that will die along with my appearance and worldly accumulations. What will survive? What will distinguish me in this infinite circle of life- ominous and inescapable? I live to discover my purpose. I will fight to save you from a mortal fate six feet under, and that alone will save me. It is the greatest thing I could ever ask for.
Darkness will fall but we will not. I always thought my most destructive fault was my obsession with fixing the broken, but now I know it is my only chance to overcome the monotonous pattern of life and death.

I want to test the structural durability of my body
See the strength of my skin
Bite and break my bones
Shed and finger paint with my blood
At least then I could finally make a mess
My OCD clean up everything mentality
Thrown to the wind blowing and
Yet again bending backwards
With a cut throat slit neck decision
A split second mind numbing category
Of guess which allegory I'll use next
A fixed gear fear with one pedal
Driving the next one ahead of the other
Unable to feel the free wheel coast through life I desire
So I say I again
I need to know how strong I am

what does it mean to love again?
do you think?
I don't know
well, it's that kind of feeling you get
intense feeling of deep affection
to someone or even something
But, there will also be fights and laughter
of unnecessary arguments and
silly willy actions