I wrinkle my nose
And smell the salty air
So fresh and clear
I close my eyes
And listen to the waves kiss the shore line
I try to understand the secrets it holds
Resting my head on a pine
I glance at the waves
So strong and so sure
They know exactly what they're doing
And they don't hesitate
Where as the delicate shore is so vulnerable
And inocent and raw
The water is calm
no matter how big the waves are
It's peaceful here
It whispers to me
In a tongue I don't speak
Yet I long to understand what it is saying
Ohh the deep blue see
I wish I understood you
Knowing all you know
Seeing all you see
I close my eyes again and listen
One day maybe I will understand
Like she wanted to know
If I was home,
If I could hear,
To the right,
It’s all in my head.
The other voices.
Lying, sitting, standing.
None of which are comfortable.
Ache, after ache, after ache.
I stand, I sit.
In an attempt to comfort it.
Oh my lovely young bones.
To old to grow to naive to know.
Of arthritis, porosis.
It seems to fit.
That I should feel so unlit.
In bed, or chair, or crouch.
I know the strain is only from
Another position kept to long.
I know I know
I need to move again, to show.
It’s less about my bones.
And more or less about my head.
Years from now you won’t remember,
But I will,
Your face a cherub halo glow,
6 candles for all your years.
We sang that song,
And you didn’t really get the joke,
Too eager for cake I suppose.
We told you to blow
Make a wish we said,
And you turned that head,
When we hushed you and
That you not say it aloud.
For wishes said aloud don't ever come true.
I don't know who came up with that bollocks,
I know more than one person (2)
Who wished for you.
At 6 you made more sense
than the 100 other years
In the room with you.
If we all said our wishes aloud
Just maybe, they'd come true
With a little more frequency.
Than once a year.
I know you will (we all do)
But never stop stopping to ask,
Questions like you did that day.
Only you are only you,
And we can't wish for anymore than that.
My special blanket
It covers my mind
I'm used to my blanket
Like a small child I carry it everywhere
My mind is a dark place
But my blanket makes it not too bad
There was a time it wasn't there
& it was a nice break
But that was just a break
Time to get back to work
My blankets in charge
It tells me when to eat, never
It tells me when to sleep, all the time
My blanket used to give me breathing room
But now, its suffocating me
My blankets choking me
& I've stop struggling
My mind has put the blanket in total control
I shut down
I push everyone away
Even the boy I love
I know it kills him
To see me this way
But my blankets my minds dictator
It calls the shots
I love you, I promise
But this blanket will kill me in the end
Like a blanket of snow
My depression covers me
& I've let it win
You know what a rush
all of this can be.
peak the senses,
whet the appetite.
And we know, this
comforts those who
those of us who know.
This poem has been a long time in the making and I still feel that it's too soon to write. I feel like you don't deserve so much of my time and my thoughts. But something deep inside of me knows that this is for me and not you. And I like me more than I hate you, so I'll be uncomfortable and discuss you for as long as it takes to heal me.
How can someone as shit as you ruin my life? So weak and so young. Owner of nothing but ruler of all.
It hurts my pride so bad to even acknowledge that a person as minuscule as you could rearrange my everything. How could I had been so inferior to the likes of...
It makes me so mad to admit that I am afraid of you. Words that my lips will never utter, a thought that my mind 'force closes' every time, the words that my pen refuses to write
I am afraid of you.
So hard to accept that you are stronger than me
I've never known anything so evil
I've never known anything more terrifying than the feeling I feel when confronted by you. Just your presence. Stand alone. Is enough to make me want to run away. To a world safe from you. So that's what I do.
I run and I run and now I'm somewhere foreign. Depriving myself of the things I love to protect myself from you.
When you punched our sister in the mouth and I watched her rip her lip off of her teeth. I died inside.
Literally slipping in her own blood trying to wrestle you off.
Why did you do that?
Where did you learn that?
How did I not know you were capable of that?
How are you capable of that?
Someone so close to me. Became a monster. Slowly, yeah. But still I wasn't ready for that. Wasnt expecting that. Never saw that coming.
It felt like it was all a dream. Still hoping today that maybe it was.
And your lack of remorse keeps my hate for you fiery.
"CALL THE POLICE, BITCH. AND WHEN I GET OUT OF JAIL IMMA BEAT YO ASS AGAIN!" chills tears (This is a part of the process, Domonique. Let it happen. Swallow the lump in your throat. Keep writing)
If I close my eyes I can hear you so clear. I'm there again. Scared. Shaking. Knife in my hand. Knowing deep down I wasn't bold enough to kill you.
And you knew it too.
When she was bleeding everywhere and I stood there too shocked to move. And you pushed me. And mom screamed. And Ravyn cried.
Why would you do that?
I never thought.
I watched my sister try and recover while I just got worse.
To watch her cry every day from excruciating pain as I fed her through a cracked jaw.
It stung so bad that she would refuse to eat.
It stung so bad. And as for Me and My soul. Stung the fuck up.
I cried all the time. To see someone you love plagued with a hurt body and hurt pride is too much for the strongest of us. Wishing I could halve the pain: when we were little girls we halved everything.
But I couldn't.
Never felt so helpless, so useless.
Sleeping in a tiny 2bedroom apartment, living out of boxes. Just wanting my sister to be okay.
Missing my mama. From living with her all my life to not even seeing her everyday.
It was so hard.
And meanwhile I had to go to school, harboring all of this pain.
Never discussing the imminent details.
Rare for a person as vocal as me.
Trying hard to never think of it.
My grades suffered bad, but not as bad as me.
You can imagine how little an equation or a metaphor meant. Absolutely nothing. Because life had just taught me something that academia wouldn't even believe.
This. This is so hard for me to relive.
So I'll stop here. I have to stop here. And when I'm ready. I'll come back and finish.
But this is big. Really really big. Because I promised to never 'go there'. But here I am. And maybe I'll regret it later. And I'll probably never be mentally prepared to read it again.
It's really no fun dealing with repressed memories.
Free flow, juggling words, consciousness
So to say - like jeweled crescent clouds
Like river laugh - sawing earth-tree
A sound erupts from the deepest depths of mind -
Sorrow, no - something different - completely alien
No language can speak the sound,
For comprehension of said sound turns up no meaning
No meaning in familiar form or shape -
And so the flow flows free, back into the sea
Far from you and far from me
For we are all together, lost abound the creed
Of having something to believe in -
Like thinking that we’re free
But as molecular structure
Binds the soul to ground,
The thought engine runs rapid -
Thinking thoughts resembling ghosts of abstract lands
Lands without land - space without dimension
Seek like tomorrow exists,
And drink to the sun -
Tomorrow remembers nothing
As today is just for fun
We’re free as we sleep
We’re free as we dream
We’re free until we awake
From the unsettling scene - reality screams
The light gleams, past statues of Man,
And petty idols and plastic song
The light shines into the eyes of the knowing -
For the knowing understand
Nothing is permanent nor recognizable
Once the sudden truth is revealed
Through practiced art and dance and talk
Know nothing ‘cept the ignorance of thought
Say nothing save the chance to see
Without ignorance, one cannot know
Without knowing, one cannot live
Without living, one cannot be
Without being, one is without
I cannot contain my innocence,
I am guilty with the loss of my sense.
I apologise for not even trying to be better,
my flaws make me anything but greater.
And in all of the wretched and shallow promises,
I do nothing but work with my devices;
tears, pain... physical pain.
Who am I to try to be someone special,
I dont belong among the celestial.
I cannot and I wont bend low,
for graces aren't mine to bestow.
How else can't I control my emotion,
my heart, really, just my mind's distraction.
I can stay now and be your brother and I'll always choose just to be that.
Nothing more nothing less, all my hurt I'll keep in that hat;
a constant mask, a facade and a charade,
a purulent form of my hiding place
and only in hopes to bridge the distance.
Forgive me, embrace me in a hug.
You're like family, a picture worthy of printing on a mug.
I love you and I know I hurt you,
but allow me to once again be true.
You have your mercy, I'll hold on to my grace,
you stay ahead and I'll keep my pace.
Maybe when I find myself again in your disappointment.
I'll have a chance at my atonement.
Romance them politics.
Make them easy to digest.
Sex sells, mame your love on a television show.
Ho, ho,ho, there's nowhere for me to go.
No, no, no,I'm left with nowhere else to go.
I turn and turn and face the wind and snow.
Lord have mercy on my speechless soul.
Leave a mark so that I will know -
Just where I should go.
Lord show me where to go.
I'm a dog, throw me a bone.
Build me a ladder, to the cloud of my home.
Ancient instinct, not drool on a phone.
Caliope missionairy drone.
Romance them politics.
Feel their legs like wine.
Waiting for a message -
Waitingfor more time.
Can't count drifters,
They don't exist on paper...unless they're a poet.