This poem has been a long time in the making and I still feel that it's too soon to write. I feel like you don't deserve so much of my time and my thoughts. But something deep inside of me knows that this is for me and not you. And I like me more than I hate you, so I'll be uncomfortable and discuss you in the effort of bringing peace to me.
How can someone as shit as you ruin my life? So weak and so young. Owner of nothing but ruler of all.
It hurts my pride so bad to even acknowledge that a person as minuscule as you could rearrange my everything. How I could have been so inferior to the likes of...
It makes me so mad to admit that I am afraid of you. Words that my lips will never utter, a thought that my mind 'force closes' every time, the letters that my pen refuses to form.
I am afraid of you.
So hard to accept that you are stronger than me
I've never known anything so evil
I've never known anything more terrifying than the feeling I feel when confronted by you. Just your presence. Stand alone. Is enough to make me want to run away. To a world safe from you. So that's what I do.
I run and I run and now I'm somewhere foreign. Depriving myself of the things I love to protect myself from you.
When you punched our sister in the mouth and I watched her rip her lip off of her teeth. I died inside.
Literally slipping in her own blood trying to wrestle you off.
Why did you do that?
Where did you learn that?
How did I not know you were capable of that?
How are you capable of that?
Someone so close to me. Became a monster. Slowly, yeah. But still I wasn't ready for that. Wasnt expecting that. Never saw that coming.
It felt like it was all a dream. Still hoping today that maybe it was.
And your lack of remorse keeps my hate for you fiery.
"CALL THE POLICE, BITCH. AND WHEN I GET OUT OF JAIL IMMA BEAT YO ASS AGAIN!" chills tears (This is a part of the process, Domonique. Let it happen. Swallow the lump in your throat. Keep writing)
If I close my eyes I can hear you so clear. I'm there again. Scared. Shaking. Knife in my hand. Knowing deep down I wasn't bold enough to kill you.
And you knew it too.
When she was bleeding everywhere and I stood there too shocked to move. And you pushed me. And mom screamed. And Ravyn cried.
Why would you do that?
I never thought.
I watched my sister try and recover while I just got worse.
To watch her cry every day from excruciating pain as I fed her through a cracked jaw.
It stung so bad that she would refuse to eat.
It stung so bad. And as for Me and My soul. Stung the fuck up.
I cried all the time. To see someone you love plagued with a hurt body and hurt pride is too much for the strongest of us. Wishing I could halve the pain: when we were little girls we halved everything.
But I couldn't.
Never felt so helpless, so useless.
Sleeping in a tiny 2bedroom apartment, living out of boxes. Just wanting my sister to be okay.
Missing my mama. From living with her all my life to not even seeing her everyday.
It was so hard.
And meanwhile I had to go to school, harboring all of this pain.
Never discussing the imminent details.
Rare for a person as vocal as me.
Trying hard to never think of it.
My grades suffered bad, but not as bad as me.
You can imagine how little an equation or a metaphor meant. Absolutely nothing. Because life had just taught me something that academia wouldn't even believe.
This. This is so hard for me to relive.
So I'll stop here. I have to stop here. And when I'm ready. I'll come back and finish.
But this is big. Really really big. Because I promised to never 'go there'. But here I am. And maybe I'll regret it later. And I'll probably never be mentally prepared to read it again.
It's really no fun dealing with repressed memories.
Raindrops fall from the sky
The colour of the sky was blue
Teardrops fall, I cry
So tired of being blue
Crying in the rain
So they'll never see me in pain
Watching the rain wash away
But not my emotions, no way
I wished to wear a crown
Not to be their clown
Why can't they see me like "woah"
Instead of "ohh"
I am not as tough as you can see
I can't be strong as I wanna be
Stop judging me
I never knew how my life would be
I dreamt you in a million sleeps
Id wake from you and in my dream lit
Would look down and what disappointment
You were not me
It was just dream
Where I walked upright, no shackles
No internal fight, no fear, no shame
It weighs me down almost but everyday.
I write drunk
But never edit sober
I can never bring myself to look upon
That perfect form
I wish I was
I wish I was
The woman in my dreams
Who speaks like rain
Who sees through the eye of the storm
That I have tossed myself upon.
Let the wind rattle shutters
Cat flaps, taup.
It would hurt less I’m sure
If i could not see the endless possibility.
The higher form.
Plato knew nothing of shadows
I know nothing of light.
Please kill me.
Drunk on a Sunday.
ive been up all night
playing this over in my head.
i had a good day.
i hadn't thought about you once.
but then i looked up.
you turned the corner,
i turned red.
the hair on my body stood up.
i wanted to scream
or punch you right in the jaw.
i watched you notice me.
the corner of your mouth crept up,
you looked me up and down.
you were taunting me.
i think you laughed a little.
i swear i could read your mind in that moment.
"ha, i broke you.
i can see it all over your face."
he looked at me
as if i were in a million tiny pieces
or my skin was melting
making a mess on this floor
right underneath the both of us.
and you were gone
before i even knew how i felt about it.
but that's how it always went, anyways.
I want you and it terrifies me.
I'm so scared I'm a mass of tremors and delicate swooning. So botched I've become from the shallow stab marks you've left behind--its killed all the sensation in my aorta.
The only pumping of blood cells running hot is from your memories. Irreplaceable memories that will never be killed even through brute force.
I'm sorry that I still see such a wonderful soul. I'm sorry that none can best you at this game; it's one I never even knew how to play.
But you must be feeling it by now. Don't you feel that awkward emptiness? I can't be the only one. It's too cruel if I am.
I love no one but you. Even after all this time. Ridiculous is what I am it's not too late.
If you read this have hope. If you care it's still possible.
Come back to me.
You are so worth going through Hell for because he will be rewarded twenty times his sufferings, for being true to you and loving only you
with a passion that can burn a volcano to cinders. "Yes, Yes, In turn, when I am convinced of that love, he will finally know what paradise feels like."
"He will realize all the others that he felt were so good, moved so good, looked so good, made him feel so on top of it all, was only just step one
of the 20 steps I can take him to, if I so choose." "So far, I have not taken anyone to the twentieth step yet. What a shame, what a loss, never to
really know that in the end, I am everything they could ever imagine they wanted or needed." "It is sad that a man is only as faithful as his options."
"He turns away ecstasy himself, for maybe, if he is lucky, one hour of sweaty, soon to forget, body pounding, while being silently judged on a scale of 1 to 10
his ability to service the shallow, money grubbing, dead fucks, that he so thought he needed instead of 20 steps to heaven forever." Someday I know
there will be a Man, a Man of morals, of a soft, slow touch, one that did not need to prove himself in many beds, one that just knew and then so did I. I will
stand on the twentieth step, looking full into that man's face and he will be looking into my eyes of green, we will smile because we both took each other to the
I don't see how u can talk to someone off and on for over2 yrs and follow their every keystroke and see what and who they talk to and listen to them thru the speakers on the computer and if I didn't cover the camera would be able to see us also.....and then see theyre on a dating site and either u had a profile already or made one up to meet me. That is a lot of following and listening and reading their online happenings...only to meet them from the dating site. Which how u even knew that id date you is odd unless u were just hoping. I realized that when my brother died last year.....that was you I was talking to wasn't it??? Do you know how special that is to me and my heart? I didn't have anyone to help ,me thru that and you were there. I wanted to thank you so very much. I don't see how u can do all these tracings of my actions and talk to me at the most horrific time of my life thus far and then not tell me that its you..... I will never under stand why u didn't tell me.... I so wished you would have cus the things would have turned out so much different. I just thought u were some dude who was a cheating pig....and wasn't thinking too serious about anythg cus I knew u wont leave "her". that's why I never asked u too and or even brought it up cus ive seen the shows where they say they'll leave but never do so why ask? but if id had known u were frozen heart and soule shawn I would have looked at things differently. I would have taken things and rearranged them to fit into my life better. I owe the person or man who talked to me and helped me get thru each day when john died a lot..... cus If it wasn't for u I don't think id been ok. Also If id known you were the holder of my heart and would have told me things instead of not saying much....it would have ended up in the way u wanted it to be. Not this way where I will be sad and pissed yet upset for not knowing u were the one who makes me happy cus to me you are perfect and perfect for me as well... God I miss u more then u will ever know,,, I wish I could hug and kiss u.... and sit and talk ....but its not gonna happen and it just makes me want to cry but I keep getting headaches when I cry....so I don't like to.... Im so grateful that I was with u for the year and a half we spent together.....wish it would have lasted for ever though instead...cus I wont ever stop wanting u....ILY!!!
A feeling of glass shards running deep through your veins;
A Metaphor For Love
when my words come together like glue on paper it is razors cutting my tongue
it is blood trailing these ceramic floors
and i must apologize,
for my mind is coming undone and I know
how silly these things can be,
how love can make you teach a grown man about the way his eyes stump you every single time with a feeling running so deep you felt every bone in your body ignite before they broke into infinite little pieces
And did you know dear
That I loved you
did you know
what loneliness could do?
And you aren't here anymore dear
you left you sweater on the kitchen table and went straight for the door that day
I shut the blinds and shed my skin and waited for the end of May
and i only wish that by August
I'll be able to wake up
to the sun shining a warmth that only you could have given me
that you never gave me
and If you only knew
how I attempted to steal that warmth
when I tried to tear out the thorns in your side
and wear them as my own
even though I knew better
than to walk around bearing someone elses pain
I could not help but think-
it must be terribly unnerving to be cared for by a poet, to think of all the times they stay up late writing metaphors for your skin and how Words Aren't Enough
How I wasn't enough
I got black out drunk at a party and woke up in a room with my pants off and my ex-boyfriend's friend standing over me. I deny ever having recollection of that night to everyone who has confronted me about it. Even to my ex-boyfriend.
I steal pills from my mother who actually needs them. These pills were usually sleeping pills or Xanax. I would take large amounts of them and even chase them with alcohol in hopes of numbing all feelings from my body and hoping I never wake up.
I lie so much to strangers, friends, and family, that my I have convinced myself that my lies are the truth and that these lies will make me a better person in their eyes. In reality, I have no one but myself. And I hate myself.
I stalk my ex-boyfriend on a daily basis. I check his Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter religiously. I also drive 30 minutes to his house just to drive by it and see if his car is parked on the drive way.
I promised my mother that I would never commit suicide. I think about killing myself on a daily basis and secretly hope that someone will just do it for me so I can keep that promise to her.
It takes me an hour to put on makeup because I find myself so repulsive to look at in the mirror that I have to take breaks so I don’t have an anxiety attack and start crying uncontrollably. However, I never leave my room without pounds of make up on my face.
I am failing pretty much all of my college classes and when my father asks me how my grades are, I lie and say that they are fine. He thinks that I am actually trying in the classes, when in reality, I am just trying to survive.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel like I can take on the world. I can go the whole day and convince myself that I am as happy as the people around me. But then I go home to my room at night and fall into a deep depression where I feel like my heart is decaying inside of my chest. I then proceed to hit myself or scratch myself until the pain stops. It does not stop.
I leave my room for long periods of time so my roommate thinks I actually have a life and friends. But I really just take my sisters car and drive it to a mountain and sit there and cry.
One day a random boy who followed me on Instagram and then messaged me on Facebook and we started talking. I did not know him and he lived 45 minutes from me. One day I drove on the highway for my first time ever and went to his house to meet him. We had sex the same day. This continued for about 9 months. I came up with so many excuses of why I was not home so I could see him. We then became boyfriend and girlfriend. I fell in love with this boy. But no one knew about him except a couple of my close friends and sister. We were together for a year and a half. He left me. But I have to hide the fact that I’m broken from my parents because if they know why, I will lose all of their trust since I lied to them and kept him from them for so long. I wish he met them. He was the one secret I never should have kept.
I remember your smile,
Our long talks in the night.
How even though we were parted by miles,
Somehow it just seemed right.
You made me smile and eased my pain,
So much so I wanted u near.
My desire nearly drove me insane,
We had so much to share.
Yet the distance tore you away,
Now your just a memory.
Oh how I long to say,
Just how much you meant to me.