I’ve got to sleep on the outside of the bed
closest to the window
closest to the door
it’s crossed my mind
more than once
more than a few times
more than enough times
that it must be because I like to run away
and an easy exit
is a relief
I’ve always liked to run away
I’ve always liked too much space
by the wall
my heart pounds
like I’m trapped
and there’s something so stupid
if I need to get up to pee or get a glass of water,
or stand underneath the moonlight,
I’ll wake him up
and the intimacy of sharing an
"I can’t sleep" moment
scares the shit out of me
because the question "why?" always follows
and I’m not ready to answer that question
just yet -
even though we’ve had sex,
I’m not ready to be that intimate
I can’t stand a man
though it seems like most of them do
and all I can do
is make do
and just lay there, until suddenly,
but then he’ll move and I’m awake again,
until suddenly I’m not
and then it’s morning
and our breath smells
and it’s embarrassing to kiss
until it’s not anymore
and then I’ll want him to leave
but it’s rude to ask someone to leave
even though everyone has the right to
want to be
I’m beginning to run away
I can tell you’ve never been touched
like a hurricane doesn’t matter
like 40 below or a deep papercut between your
thumb and your index
couldn’t do any more harm
than a teddybear or marigold —
but that was
you’ve never been touched
and you’ve never touched
into the fresh dew on dawn’s grass
and you’ve never stopped
to feel your orgasm like stopping to
smell the roses on a worthwhile jaunt
or the daffodils
or the lilac trees, purple and white
or to smile at a sunflower
like all of your little hesitancies and horrors
are of little to no caliber
you’d never go a night without at least a sip of something,
you’d never give yourself
to be yourself
in the sober light of love
you’re shy and you avoid it
but if you counted the number of empty wine & beer bottles
on your balcony,
you’d finally know
you ought to stop pouring at night
and figure out how to explore at night;
dip your fingers in gooey paint and smear every colour
on the pavement
for hours and hours
until the sun awakes
like you have the power to love
and at first, it will, like frostbite,
like papercuts all over your palms,
like cartoon cliff jumps that can never kill you,
like getting fired or evicted or rejected
because remembering something
as fierce and as merciless
is heartbreakingly overwhelming
for the fact that
and forgetting does not make you strong or shrewd
it’ll only screw you over
and give you a blubbery beer belly and empty bottled balcony
and before me,
I’m pretty sure you thought your life was a tragedy
because drinking feels nice and sex releases hurt
but I’m just not interested in being with an alcoholic,
so it’s best we stop taking off our shirts.
Everytime I see pictures of you
I want to cry.
Our past wasn't so perfect
Well, at first it was
But that was when
Your kisses were sweet
Your voice was calm
And our hearts weren't teared
Then, you just left me.
I was asleep
Then I woke up to
A letter that said
I was devistated
And from that day forward
I never have said goodbye
You showed me
i'm lonely right now.
i feel empty.
i don't know where i'm going
or what to do next.
i miss someone.
who is someone?
i need to apply this medicine
for my allergy
i hate it
i hate everything
it's actually their fault.
they treat me like shit.
and now i'm like this;
lonely and ugly.
in the sea of loneliness.
i don't know how to swim.
i keep on screaming for help.
but no one's hearing it.
i let myself sink into it.
deeper and deeper.
until they couldn't find me.
and just forget me.
Why we should need the title
For the ones we love
To state your possession
My wife my partner
Or show your achievement
My date my girlfriend
Why we just call her
As she herself
As the one i love
Simple it is the fact
The one i love
words are not enough.
Most of the time, actually.
Because people need reassurance, always.
And not just the ordinary kind
It must be the kind that is certain,
that is constant
that never falters.
The kind that is strong enough to weather life's series
of resonant, unending storms.
It should be the kind
that people can hold on to, always.
Most especially in moments
when every bone inside them begins to shatter.
Sitting here, wishing to be that little girl again, everything is new, a dream, no pain.
Watching the clouds go by in a field of flowers, smelling the sweetness, not the cold rain.
My eyes follow a butterfly going about her simple way,
Hoping she'll come closer, sit by me or near and stay.
Wanting so much to beable to touch her gentle wing,
To listen to her secrets and akso to hear her sing.
Dreamer that I was knowing so little about lifes cost,
That little girl is here again, she was just a little lost.
I grew up fast with so much hurt and anger, I almost made her dissappear,
I let her go into hiding, not letting her out because of all the fear.
I want her to come out and see the light, play a little, even make things up, even pretend,
Tell her I am now stronger, no need to hide yourself, dream all you like, come and we will mend.
in the morning
we struggle with the bed sheets that
wrap us, bind us
in the afternoon
we crawl to our desks
and burn our faces
from our phones, from our laptops
reasoning, pleading, typing, and clicking
away the words and sentences
that could decide our fates
in the evening
the voices sharing laughter and stories are
to be found in the dinner table
there is only the hurried clanging
of forks and knives against porcelain
we swallow several morsels of reheated leftovers
and just drown our stomachs with coffee and pills
the breath of our sighs fill the air
and bring us to suffocation
we drag our limbs
the answers and solutions may be
with all our might,
we anchor ourselves against the world's spin
our sunken weary eyes
glance at each other from time to time
no words are spoken
but from those fleeting moments
we know the burdens that the other carries
as much as our hearts ache to
we can't help each other
because we're already too lost helping ourselves
i've seen you before...
skin paler with the glow of screens and pixels
whether because of your strong feminist opinions (reasons not to wear a shirt and throw glitter at your family, and then run away)
or because hey, you only had a towel, but you still wanted to talk to me and watch the telly
or because you like wearing comfortable but ill-fitting pajamas,
i've seen you
i've seen your body.
i'm not going to pretend like i didn't care or like i didn't look, because i did. i do.
but i just thought you should know
that every inch of you
and you really
shouldn't slice yourself so deep
that the gashes on your ivory skin
so that you wonder and ask me
if it's normal
and if they usually do that, when i have cuts,
because you say that for you, they always do
and that's just
because mine nearly never go that deep
but i couldn't tell you that
i began writing this a very long time ago and kept it as a draft for a long time and this is about as far as i'm ever going to get with it so pfft here it is
Jaylin was scared and detrimental -
with runaway scars,
his heavy breathing,
and the wolves chasing such a forgotten soul.
"I'm more afraid of death then before,
more afraid of the teeth ripping through my skull,
I have to end this dream.",
He said screaming, knowing it was but of no dream.
Is the end just above the harassing, or still just a mere speck waiting to be seen.
he screamed again, as the snow touched his face
- wishing his fellow friends could hear.
the mindless memories all over his body warned him.
It warned him he was still wanted by them.
Still yearned by the ones of which owned the forest.
"Jaylin, run! Run now!"
this wasn't his mind, but the mysteries' wind that ran next to him.
He heard it, but didn't know what it said until he saw them -
barking, running and almost screaming.
Jaylin stopped to listen to this screaming,
as if the screaming was the sound of a thousand ghosts that the Wolves killed.
Hearing all this he knew he wasn't the first.
"How could the wind know?,
Why are there some many voices in my head!?,
I don't want to be trapped like the other lost and forgotten souls!,
I don't want to be screaming in endless time of death !",
what was wished for was soon put away in the hollow sound of the universe.
they found him.
and the taste of death
where all things felt when Jaylin was bitten.
Bitten by The Wolves.