Whose fingers dig peaches
when hungry lovers devour their
whose unsteady hearts expand
and shatter in porcelain palms
to scrape your teeth with ice,
with frosted tongues
against the small of your back
we roll eyes to
the backs of our heads at those
and when pulled apart eyelashes
stick to skin
after naps to slow the breathing,
whose raw skin-bare lips
taste best to kiss
blood and half-eaten daydreams
make you want to
stretch your mouth the widest,
to just have it all.
Girl I feel so lucky that you are mine, you're worth more than a diamond, or a goldmine
You shine just like the sun, into my heart which is black, you give me sight to see
And I love to give it back
Let's spend this life together, holding hands which will never part
I love this relationship so much
I've loved it from the start
So I'm writing this message
This message just to say, that you are in my heart, mind and soul
Each and everyday
I found love with a girl who's so sweet, she makes me feel so good, she makes me feel complete
I've never been happier and for that I know is true
I never thought I'd have her, I just never thought I knew
But now that she's with me and now that she is mine
I can't ever beat this emotion, I can't ever beat this line
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn't have to play with or be around me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing most my classes at school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
All my family made fun and they called me names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say whatever they pleased
They all knew my mother would not try to defend
Because she and my grandmother started the trend
Once I told my mother that I was happy about something
She said happiness was by me not deserved but a thumping
Mother was always mad at me since I never wanted any piano, ballet, or baton lessons
I had my own mind, and impressing other people in life was not one of my obsessions
Could never make my mother happy, she was always very angry
I use to hit myself, scratch my face because she drove me crazy
When I was ten got mother a gift at the five & dime for her one birthday
She tossed the gift in the garage, called it junk, said was best to throw away
On Christmas day, when I unwrapped a gift if I didn't act surprised in a certain way
She'd throw a fit, get drunk and make me feel guilty about things the rest of the day
I was always afraid of my mother, never knew
what she next to me that she would try to do
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
Never knew of anyone I could be close to, for a hug or some kind words
Things were always bad I needed encouragement for me to be heard
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
For ages I had a fear of heights,
But suddenly a strong breeze blew
Making me want to fly despite my fright.
There was a voice, soft and calm,
Reassuring me, coaxing me to the very edge,
An outstretched hand, we were palm to palm.
But I looked down and gasped,
And I leapt back in pure terror.
Strong arms held me, wouldn’t let me pass.
Whispers on the back of my neck,
Gentle touches and the truest words I’d ever heard,
Ignoring that my heart was a wreck…
I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes
I just let go of it all,
I jumped – and landed in the sky.
Every single song begins slow,
but then slowly shatters into bits and pieces
of thoughts I thought I had gotten rid of.
Don't you see?
When you watch me bow my attention downwards,
with my earphones in,
staring blankly at the blank papers in front of me,
I am not thinking of what to jot down next -
I am breaking down the pieces of every single note
in every concocted melody
trying to find the culprit who let you inside
because there is not a single one
that doesn't remind me of you;
laced with the tiniest bit of relevance
and the dash of desire, I will not deny,
I have not lost but rather enhanced.
As they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder,
and so it has,
as the galaxies have ripped your hand away from mine
and transported you to planets I can neither see nor pronounce
as if the words could never roll off my tongue
for they hold too much poison,
so brutally lethal
and far too con amore
for my heart to take and for my lips to say.
Always in the midst I await to see you emerge,
but you never do.
My only blessing seems to be
picking up the pieces of these sad, barren songs
that have left me just as empty
as my hand without yours,
and the vast galaxy you left me lost within.
I'm just trying to live life the best way,
Find what makes me happy so I can live to the next day
ride the busy street.
and far too many wonders.
i put boots on,
ready to take off,
and in that instant
a knot in my heel.
is this a sign to slow
down? stay put
in my old town?
but the old town
brings back old
to start fresh,
I guess so.
so travel west-
as west as Chicago
to see my Katherine smile,
it's warms my soul,
it brings me back home-
even when I'm far
To hear the blunder
Things I'd miss most
are shooting stars
near the moon.
But who am I kidding,
you can't see shooting
star in New Jersey anyway.
To throw the Newports in
the freezer, to replace them
with fudge-pops could be a
Starting fresh could mean
I cannot help but
hurt from wanting
what the heart
And who knows,
a year or two later
my heart could be
closer to the Sun and
floating in Space,
or dead on the floor.
I can not help but follow
what the heart wants
to sip tea and coffee,
not knowing what I really
prefer, not hearing from
my Mother, knowing that
she really does not
approve- how can
I not just want
than just some
to sit on the couch
and read every book
or magazine that comes
how can I tell the people
that I love that I had
a breakdown? I lost
control of myself?
I screamed, I kicked,
I spit, I swore?
To throw it all away.
how many times
will I wash my mouth out
and learn to watch
what I say, when this
breath down my
neck has never
been more cold?
With razor wings
Beats so fast
You only knew
This wouldn't last
Night and day
Heart so full
About to burst
Want or love
Who can tell
Your magic spell
Tear stained cases
A Lovers caress
Your taper shines
The problem is
Within your mind
Then you left
You took my wish
Heard my heart
Ignored its warnings
The love is gone
It's left for good
It's just a mood
Sick to death
Of all this fear
Covered in tears
Seize the moment
Live for today
I wouldn't trade
One moment away
You love me
Or do you not
You are every thought
Life itself is cruelty.
Selfishly being birthed into a world where all that awaits is a slow crumble;
Life is a curse.
Living is never enough and then it becomes our nature to feel living another day as a burden.
The past is as frighting as the future.
Civilizations have ended and countless lives forgotten once their time has expired.
Where was I when their time began?
There's no recollection or feeling just black emptiness.
I cling to the consciousness I have now.
For if it's gone I would no longer be me.
Without it not even I can recognize myself.
Pictures from 20 years ago haunt me with eyes I don't identify.
Eyes filled with the consciousness of another.
That child's not me but I am she.
As if one day I inhabited the body of someone else and stole her place in this world.
Where has she gone?
In 20 years from now would the same fate await me?
Some strange being realizing consciousness in this body I called my own.
Will it think of me in the photos I take or will my existence be wiped away like the soul of the baby who's body I've taken.