Laughing on the inside and spinning around
Pissing off society with one glance
Dancing to a beat I don't even know.
Sometimes I just don't give a damn.
Kicking shit with all my bud's
hating the world and every thing inside.
being this way is a crime.
Yep,We have always been this crazy,patched up matryoshka!
For sixteen years now I've been haunted by your death,
you'd have been 27 today.
I was only 7 when it happened; when you drew your last breath,
your 'little shadow' lost something deep inside herself that day.
you were the only one who cared about me then,
alone and scared in the hospital; you were my only friend.
You helped me cope; taught me how to unleash my pen,
if I couldn't deal with it; you'd help me mend.
I thought you were fine; we'd just spoke on the phone,
making plans to go to the movies the next day.
Your voice never betrayed the 'secret' your face would have shown,
last words I heard are "I'll see you tommorrow Jenni, I promise." you say.
you never came; I knew something was off,
then that gut wrenching phone call...
my mother hung up and told me you'd died; her voice all quiet and soft.
I remember my head spinning,
I black out and fall.
It was several months after; that I found out what happened,
why you'd gone.
Your own demon won over as your depression deepened,
you hung yourself; leaving me here alone and undone.
Why did you have to go,
why must I stay all by myself?
As an adult I now understand; I know,
but it still eats me up inside; my broken innerself.
Sixteen years later; I still have that damn note you left me,
it's the only thing I've got left of you;
"Tell Jenni I'm so sorry,
and that I love her.
He told me that if I told anyone he'd take me and my brothers and sisters away from our mom and he'd kill her.
when I was 6 my mother married my stepfather (who is phsyically, mentally, and verbally abusive), and soon after I had a tramatic black out and according to my family I stabbed my stepfather in the leg with a kitchen knife, I was screaming like a banshee, and trying to hurt myself.
My mother and stepfather took me to a psychiatric hospital and kept me there for 6 months.
I would not talk to the doctors, nurses, shrieks, anyone and everyone was an enemy as far as I was concerned.
The place was terrifiying, the kids there were all disturbed in one way or another.
Elizabeth was 13, and was there because her father had been sexually abusing her since she was 4.
She and I became friends, and she protected me against older kids that would bully others or worse.
She was the only one I opened up to, she convinced me that I should speak to the doctors, that they would help.
She assured me my father would not take me or my siblings away or harm my mother, and that he might be put in jail if I told them what happened.
I trusted her judgement so I did, and after a lot of different things I was released from the hospital.
Elizabeth and I stayed in contact, she lived a few blocks from me.
The night she killed herself we had talked about going and seeing the new disney movie that had just come out and were planning to good see it after school the next day.
My mother did tell me she died but wouldn't tell me why, wouldn't let me go to her funeral, nothing.
I found out through a friend of hers that hung out with us sometimes, and her mother years later confirmed it.
Her father had gotten off the court charges because of some techincallity, and she was to vist him every weekend.
She knew what would happen when she did, so rather than face it she hung herself in her basement.
Elizabeth was my guardian angel then, and I believe she still is today.
I miss her dearly everyday.
My friend, guardian angel, and sister.
Adam kicked the soccer ball to the front of the house. Sam watched him chase after it, while she sipped her sweet tea. The sound of his feet stopped and was replaced with car tires driving through the gravel road. She stood up and walked down the steps to see who had come. Adam cut her off before she made it around the corner of the house.
Panting and out of breath, he gasped, “Mommy…Daddy’s home.”
Sam stared at Adam, letting those two words sink in. Adam turned around and started running back. She stood there for a moment and then took after her son. Thoughts were flooding her mind. When she hugged him one last time before he left, him walking towards the plane, the letters coming home every week, his arms wrapped around her, and the sounds of him and Adam playing football in the afternoon.
Her pace slowed when she arrived to the front of the house. Cameron’s grey truck turned off followed by another black car tuning its engine off. Cameron hopped out of the truck and looked over at her with sorrowed filled eyes. Adam ran up and gave him hug, but Cameron’s eyes never left hers.
A Marines officer walked up to Sam with letters in his hands. Her heart started beating faster and could feel a hole beginning to form in her stomach. Please…Please, don’t tell me he’s gone. Please be a mistake, she closed her eyes and thought.
Ma’am, are you Sam Chesterfield?” the officer asked.
She opened her eyes and forced a whisper, “Yes.”
“Mrs. Chesterfield, I am sorry to inform you that your husband has died in combat. He gave me this letter to give to you. Here is another letter from the Department of
Defense about the funeral if you have any questions. You have my deepest condolences, Daniel was an honorable man,” he placed his hand on her shoulder and walked away.
As he climbed into his car, Sam broke down. She feel to her knees, letting her vision get blurry. Cameron ran over and wrapped his arms around her, trying to calm her down. Adam walked over and took his mother’s hand.
“Mommy…is Daddy coming home?”
Sam looked up at him. She saw so much of Daniel in him. Before she could answer, Cameron responded, “Your dad…well he went somewhere where he can get better.”
Adam just nodded. “Sweetie, why don’t you and Cameron go inside. I need to take care of some things,” she sputtered out.
As they went inside, she stared at the white envelope with her name scribbled on the front of it. She slowly opened it and began to read,
My Dearest Samantha,
If you are reading this, you already know that I am not coming home. I could not know or describe the pain that you are going through right. When Adam has asked what has become of me, tell him the truth. Let him know that his father died a hero and that I loved him very much. I already asked Cameron to look after you and Adam, and he has promised.
Sam, please do not grieve my death for the rest of your life. Smile and remember the good times. Our wedding day, the first day we met, how we fell in love. Remember all of that; watch the tapes to see my face again. I will always love you and be with you, no matter what. I know that it may be hard at first on your own, but you are a strong woman and can do it. You and Adam are my life’s love and happiness. I will always be with you two in heart.
There is another letter in here for Adam to read. I want you to give it to him when you think he is ready to read it.
I love you with all of my heart.
The words of anger you spill can penetrate deep into my soul, your icy chill makes my blood run cold.
The constant judging glances that you cast my way can instantly make my courage fold.
But that's just a family affair.
It cuts so much deeper when the knife thrusted into my back is wielded by one that shares my family name.
A person that I would die to protect suddenly has me second guessing if they would do the same.
But hey , that's a family affair.
You can bring out of me a rage like no other person can and in an instant all I can see is a fiery red hue.
But despite it all we are family, you will always be connected me and I will always be connected to you.
That's how it goes when it's a family affair
I drew an exclamation point in the air
I watched it float around
It moved with the people
The noise of the city
I saw the exclamation point
And so I decided
To turn it
Not so different from this one
Was the poem
I picked up a pen
In the air
And you saw
And you saw
The exclamation point
And so you asked me
And I said I didn’t know
But I do know
And you said
And I said
I don’t know
But I know
So you said
Tell me what you don’t know
And I said
I don’t know
So you said
Tell me what you know
And I told you
About the poem
And the exclamation point
And you smiled
And held out your hand
And I put a pen in it
And we wrote in the air
Beside the point
Punctuation floating round our heads.
I've been living in this STERILE world
card board, cut out lawns
one, two, three...
what the fuck am I supposed to do?
who the fuck am I supposed to be?
Everyday there's a fight inside my mind,
my mental state fights my body
and my body fights me
and they say "you're strong, just let it be."
but I'm dying inside just to keep what's left
the money is all here
but I feel like a theft
and I swear to God I am getting further from my soul everyday
cause the truth is I grew up fighting
and now nothing is that way
It's the spirit inside
for the tough times we endure
the spirit that carries us
and keeps us secure.
No one would believe the fucked up I endured
cause I act like Martha Stewart
and act so self assured.
Martha I love you,
but fuck you.
This shit aint for me.
Martha I love you
but I'm telling you
I just gotta be free.
Stick a gun to my head
Cover me in gas
Bind my hands
And strike the match
We can share the last laugh
Than nothing to lose
Inscribe it across my tomb
I'm too numb to care
Too dumb to stare into your eyes
Your enemy is mine
And I'm just fine
With dining alone
Just fine with not shining at all
I build the bridge to burn it down
Down so far it erects again
Watch me swim as slow as i can
Inhale the water and rise to land
I'm not the man I think I am
Not the man you think I am
I am merely a middle man
A fish on land
Throw back what you catch
If you can
With burning hands
for an over abundance, or, lack there of…
"Pretty baby," they gush.
And you learn to lend out your trust,
but as the years pass, their words become yet another…
So you makeup your make up
because the lies that you're buying have got you tripped up.
You are caught up
trying to trash your…
"Just follow these 10 steps! Easiest, by far!"
What it actually reads is "How others perceive you more important than who you really are."
By buying that, you are letting them rob you of your…
for an over abundance, or, lack there of…
It's mothers day,
and I have nothing for you
cause nothing is better
than what you gave me
They say you can't give what you take,
but damn mom, I swear
that's all you ever gave me-
take, take, take.
Here's a math problem Mom,
a 0 takes nothing
and a 1 adds to it
but you were a negative
and just couldn't get through it.
I swear to God
I work so hard every single day,
to be a positive,
and learn how to pray
I work so hard, Mom,
every. single. day.
but I have nothing for you
because nothing is better,
than taking away
I was already leaning off the edge.
You just tipped me over and let me break.