Somebody's gotta be worth something
Somebody has to matter.
I think I am wishing this week was over
Just as much as I am dreading the end of it.
Because then at least
I will be released
From this thrall.
I will have no chance, for a long time,
And I will settle.
Something has to be more important
the belief in you has died in me.
Your flaws, failings,
spread before me like jewels of
impossible wealth, your face,
just shy of handsome, an intimate picture
of unfortunate health,
eyes like unwashed seashore stones,
flesh whiter than bleached-dry bones -
alluring in spite of all ill.
Oddly, the imperfection in you
has perfected my attraction,
through and through.
I would run naked in nature for you,
break laws and through doors
blocked with steel for you,
knowing full well you would never
fight for forever for me.
Falling in love is the greatest pity;
it makes a monster of you, and a mouse of me,
echoes somewhere between my ears,
your voice, with the weight of
intervening years, the hope for you that
still could not subdue my
that you might love another
harder, greater, than you loved me.
That the future cracks the seal
set for destiny.
Counting on fingers
past loves that were real,
ones that betrayed what
I thought I could feel,
using your eyes to see reality
while abusing your hands
in forfeit of fantasy.
Your body does not fit mine.
Your ego has outgrown your spine.
I will not go your way.
I will not give you another second
of my strained adoration.
I will become so small
that you won't be able to see me at all.
Ah, what a thing it is, right?
Gets you everywhere.
Do something wrong,
You aren't hated quite as much.
Ah, but she's so beautiful, it's okay.
The ultimate goal.
You are so beautiful.
The ultimate compliment.
I'll tell you something.
I know I am beautiful.
On my worst days,
On my sad days,
I spend hours on my makeup.
If I look my best
You can be almost sure I feel my worst.
Because beautiful for me
Is a defense.
Here is the thing:
Nobody would have me if I wasn't.
Nobody would listen to a word I say.
Nobody would put up with my passion,
My need for love and affection,
My stubbornness and fearfulness.
I am tolerated
Because I am beautiful.
It's not a triumph.
It's just a tool.
I am accepted
Because I am beautiful.
And even then I push the limits-
There are things I need that I
Am not beautiful enough to need.
Things I am starving for
That I am not beautiful enough to demand.
Things I can't say
Because I'm not quite exquisite enough to get away with it.
To people who don't believe they have it
Is a shining goal, a possession of such worth.
To some of us
Is merely the mask we wear
So that the world will have us.
one day i'll meet you again and
i'll light your fucking cigarettes and make you pancakes
i'll wear your shirt and pour your coffee and
i'll love you like i'm not capable of right now
and then one day it'll all just stop again
There I was with my riches and gold
Which is all miles away now and probably all sold
Thieves which I never thought existed anymore
Taught me that there's a whole new world to explore
My faith in others was abused and put to the test
Oh how much I just want my heart to rest
Hopefully in the future I can have jewels again
And maybe that would heal just a bit of my pain
Dealing with loss is what most of my life has been
I'm just finger crossed I'll find my queen
Got to keep my chin up
And got to stay smart
Always be weary of the next flaming dart
So I've lost a lot of priceless things in my life
Don't mean I can't gain more
I'll just keep moving like the waves on the shore
Like my old mantra goes
Which keeps me calm and steady
Always whisper it into my mind
To keep my armed and ready;
(Always abide and flow with the tide
The tides will always turn
And I will forever learn)
A path of sadness which puts me down and low
But the sorrow which it's caused must of been a sow
So I carry on and take each day as it comes
Don't be so hard on myself or stay down in the slums
The more my roots(sadness) grow
The taller my branches(happiness) stretch
It's all been so bad so I'm expressing this sketch
What makes it worse is that they were gifts
Of good thoughts from them to me
But please let me put this all behind,
And live in ecstacy.
Her look is holding
Her dreary and depressed eyes digging into me, perplexing
The scarlet red rose petals that ring around her pupils entrance me
She stands tall, strong and contained
Strong like the world trade before it was struck down against it's will
She's only awaiting her time
She puts on a good act
Nobody can tell that
Behind her strength and pseudo-bliss hides a lifetime of sadness and self-hatred
The perpetual clock dictating her existence ticks endlessly until she too falls to the ground
Masks her bottomless pool of insecurities with a smile
Compensating for them with a false ego the size of the sun
Acts like she is better than everyone
But she knows that she's not
Her mind set on keeping all the feelings hidden
She rejects help
Neglects the ones who care
Thinks she can do it all by herself
But we know that she can't
Her wrists full of scars and regret
Her eyes like an endlessly flowing water fountain
Caught in a recurring state of despair
Despite all the people who love and who care
"Everyday is a battle", I tell her, hoping that she will open to me
"And it's mine to fight", she replies aggresively
I try to share with her my days
I subtlely urge her to do the same
I wish her heart could just be mended
So all this hatred would be ended.
Breaking water, diving in with my body, head first.
Rippling seams and leaving stitches unfinished. I dive in to let the purity envelop me. Cleanse me and my pores,
return me to where I started from.
Release me from wars, unopened doors I wished I turned. Forget wounds of battle on my skin.
Open me.cut me open and leave me bleeding. Let my blood sink into the earth until there is nothing left, let me walk this earth for miles and miles, let me feel the pain in my lungs and the hoarseness of
my being escaping from my throat. Let me build a moat around my princess castle and then tear it down. Lightning strike me and rip my particles, rip the matter from me like guns on glass. Crack me and tear me. I will get up again.
I will rise.
And Let me sing,
sing until my prayers are whispers.
Forest water, reflecting green, serenity.
I have dreams of black claws like raven glass closing in, scratching me bare. Howling and deep long nails and witchy eyes cackling like the darkness overlapping. I’m scared of the demons within closing in. I hide from the light, unaware of how I’m blocking out love from my life. Is it a dream or an old queen’s tale? My heart has seen so much and now I walk like wind or stones in snow. I trudge along trying to remain strong when the forces pull and tear the ramshackle down to the ground.
I’ve been breathing and living, seeing so many things and this compilation of stories warms my belly and tears my flesh.The happiness is what breaks me. Suspending the never-ending. I am so close to the grave that I dug for myself but I must keep walking past that linear line that I set for myself. It is lines within circles. So many flows, I thought I chose the whole. Breathe. Pouring myself out into you. I wonder if I give and give it will fade into the soil and the canteen will empty. Melt like water. Feed you and leave me. Is it releasing or is it unhealthy for me to give myself away.
I gave myself away.
I have strewn pieces of myself into everything I have touched but I am afraid that one day there will be nothing left. Nothing left when finally I receive pieces of someone else. Will I take the pieces from them and have nothing left to share. Excuse me, it is not like me to be so dramatic and I am afraid to write things like this because it feels so cheesy except the process of seeking deeper is breaking that boundary and that un-comfortableness. Where did our love go? It existed between the skin and the bones. It was a facade or something else. I am not very sure. Not lust but colour, it was dewy green like steam from a coffee cup in the morning. Or the rain on the window pane while I slept in your arms and refrained from needing you too much, I cannot write about you without tears, write about your skin or your smile, and I am in a confined environment as I write this where such things are not very acceptable. I am hiding on the screen, escaping my heart. I cried this morning because it was all too perfect.
I am cut open I suppose. Like that song “And it was your heart on the line / I really fucked it up this time / Didn't I, my dear?” Mumford and Sons even feels too perfectly imperfect that I laugh at myself and this funny hole I am in. I don’t like the swear word though, sometimes I laugh because it works. The “f” word in that song it just kind of fits. It is like the pathetic-ness and the hilarity, when we slip in mud and are covered in filth when we have nothing left but to cry and to laugh because we are crying because nothing in this world really matters or it matters all too much. Because I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t think anybody does. We just muster our determination and passion and roll with it but still there is an element of unpredictability no matter how routine we have gotten. No matter how far we have fallen from our roots. Excuse me for crying this morning, don’t worry I laughed it off after. I laughed because of life and laughed because I cried, and I cried because I love you.
And now I walk like wind or stones in snow. I trudge on with all my strength. Wisping like whispers caught from the ears of children and passing through the world. Cold like ice on swing sets and little hands clasping them. Red fingers and red noses. Snot on mittens and sharp pain. Winter.
I Wisp like wind in water. I crack like stones of sand and rock. I break like waves on the shores of life. I cry like the trees at night. Howling to the moon. I open when you call me. I close when I’m falling. I hide like children at night. I am under the streetlight, orange, alley cats in shadow homes and grey cement, dead rats, broken bones. My eyes are bare, sunken in the light. I suppose I should muster my might. Find peace beyond my fight. Escape distress. I wish you saw something more. I wish that there was something else. Speeding on.
I will stay
at the bottom
of your wallet
just in case
I will fill up
until you have enough of me
to break me
I will fall
I will grant
your every wish
I will stay at the bottom
of your wallet for you,
you might just
just found out today
seams like another place and time
I can dance backwards
not easy for this man to say
But I can.
Do not let your mind blink
Just DO not DRink and drive
Do not learn that lesson
Just think DO not DRink and drive.