Love is joy.
No body told me,
I had to find a way,
Even though I was lost.
I used your light to guide myself.
Now that I'm here I see things clear.
Nothing has made more sense to me in all of eternity.

i. I’d tell them of the moment you spoke about your favorite cartoon characters, and the way your face flashed when you described them to me. How innocent that brilliance was and how guileless your mannerisms were. And I’d wish they understand why I fell in love with the feeling of your innocent enthusiasm about some nonsense cartoons no one else cared about.

ii. I’d show them all your worries and troubles stacked on top of one another in a carelessly balanced house made of playing cards. And while they were appraising these I’d point out how selfless you are. How your troubles were never centered around your own joy. And I’d wish they see that the house of cards I showed them is a reflection of the person you are. The kind of person who’d knock those cards down if they had your name on them instead.

iii. I’d paint them a picture of your mind as I see it. Full of intricate ambitions, contradictory emotions, unreasonable doubts and absent-minded memories. I’d use black and blue pen to dot your journey here. And bright red to show them the great places you are destined to go. And I’d wish they stand back and appreciate the amalgam of colors instead of questioning why. There isn’t a single spot on the canvas I seem to fully understand despite being the artist.

iv. I’d take them on a walk to the place we first met. I’d make sure it was a sunny day first, just like that one. I’d tell them I didn’t think much of you at all when I first met you. I’d make them sit in that same spot, and feel the same way we felt as indifferent strangers. And I’d wish they understand that despite the seeming insignificance of that moment, I look back and am convinced I see a halo of light above that place and the beguiling simplicity of that day.  

v. I’d tell them how tightly you hugged me when I was sad. How softly you touched my arm when you assured me that nothing was wrong. How quietly you showed me an overflowing friendship that’s waiting to combust  And I’d wish they understand that it’s not just how wonderful it was breathing in the smell of your old jacket. It’s how wonderful it felt, feeling the weighty presence of a thousand words unspoken.

vi. I’d warn them before they meet you, this is what I’d say: “It’s easy to make that boy laugh, but it’s hard to win him over. His love is not on display, his mind has been sent to the dry cleaners. His laugh has been blocked with by caution and logic. But don’t ever say you don’t understand that he’s a wonderful human being”, I’d hope they understand your appearance is all pretense.

vii. And if someone asked me why I love you, this is what I’d say: It is hard for me to imagine going through the rest of this life and meeting another singular human being like you.

My Ideal Man:

1. Watch nerdy movies with me, you'll get my heart quicker if you love Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or superhero movies along with me.
2. Be a Bruins fan please. Or at least a hockey fan, but Bruins is preferable.
3. Be kind. Don't do things just for yourself. If you see someone struggling help them.
4. Be patient. My family and I are nuts, and I'm so sorry about that, but we love with our whole hearts, and you'll never find people who care for you more, or will do anything for you.
5. Tolerate my musical preferences. I listen to quite a wide range of music, so bear with me.
6. When I'm sick, just let me watch a Disney movie, give me space (because when I'm sick I feel far from pretty, and have a tendency to not want to be around people) and I will love you forever.
7. Have faith. You don't have to be ridiculously religious, but believe in heaven and God.
8. Please have a functioning moral compass.
9. Don't question the TV shows I watch. (Ex. Game of Thrones, Project Runway, Friends)
10. Have a good relationship with your parents and siblings.
11. Be a dog lover, I'm going to want dogs when I live with someone (and I'm so sorry we can only get hypoallergenic ones)
12. Accept the fact that I tell my mum almost everything. If I know, likely she will know unless you make it very apparent that you don't want anyone to know.
13. Don't lie. Just don't.
14. Don't cheat. That should be obvious, but I've been through it before and I don't think I could handle it again.
15. Yes I'm a child when it comes to the little things in life. I love ice cream sundaes, coloring, Spongebob, and most adolescent things. Let it be.
16. If you have something bothering you, talk to me. Communication is key and I can't read minds, no matter how hard I try.
17. Be able to laugh at yourself, I do all the time at myself because most of the time I know I'm foolish.
18. Never underestimate snuggling. Unless it's really hot out.
19. Be spontaneous. Lord knows sometimes I do some strange things for no reason, but as long as they bring joy to someone or yourself, then do it.
20. Love with your whole heart.
growing list

Hello God,
I'm hoping you are well today,
I've just read something rather beautiful
that has inspired me to say:

Thank you Thank you Thank you
Lord, I've never felt this grateful
for every single thing in my life,
even ones-at times-angry and hateful.

Starting with the biggest first,
thank you for my parents,
for even when I'm scared of them
I know that they'll be present
at certain times of need
in life,
and perhaps someday
they will meet a wife.

Next thank you so Lord
for my sister,
angry and annoying,
just like a blister
She knows every inside joke
and we can laugh together,
quoting, singing, dancing, mocking,
truly two birds of a feather.

Thank you so much for
all my friends
Lord knows without them
I'd be at wits end. :) <3

Thank you for everything
I take for granted
like loving parents
who actually wanted
a little baby,
a little me
when they didn't know
what I'd turn out to be.

Running water plentiful,
Safe healthy food till I feel full
Not living everyday in fear
that I'd have to face
a gang rape scare,
a solid roof above my head,
a box of pads beneath my bed.
A plethora of coloured pencils,
notebooks, sketchbooks,
don't need stencils.

Thank you for the hands
I got,
that learned to draw before
they were taught
to even write the alphabet,
did you know of the attention
that I would get.

People notice me and my creations,
ask me to do a transformation
of a screwed up line, out of place,
they joy I get from their face
when they hold up
something I've done
and shout to their friends
'lookit what kim's drawn!!'

Thanks for my perfect
precious dogs,
and you kept Sara safe
when she fell off that log,
Were you there when we pulled
that tick right out of Puck,
so many tries,
but got it out with some luck. :D

Of course thanks for
all those boys,
the ones with beards that
still play with toys.

For my linkin Park buddy,
and Ed of course,
who hasn't been here
(having been sick as a horse)

Thank you for Beatles,
Green Day and for KISS
thank you so much Oh Lord
for giving me this.

I'll no longer roll my eyes at mass
when we say we praise you, each lad and lass.
Instead I'll throw my hands in the air
Shout Halleluiah! for the presence that's there.

I would rather be a good man,
Than a scholar, any day.
So fuck all of the capitalists,
With their wages of higher pay.

I don't need a massive house,
Or a load of fancy shit.
I only want a simple life,
That is non-materialistic.

You need to learn, that man can't buy,
Some friendship or her love.
And memories are all we take,
When we depart for home above.

While you're out blowing money,
I'll just stick to spending time.
Taking journeys and adventures,
Capturing pictures in my mind.

See all I ever want,
Is a life of love and joy.
And to someday raise a daughter,
Who would someday meet a boy.

I could only be so lucky,
In fact, forever I'd be pleased,
If the boy she someday met,
Resembled younger me.

I know I'm not the greatest,
There's no arguing that.
But, I'll remain a gentle soul,
A true and simple fact.

So, call me a lazy slacker,
Perhaps I'll never strike it rich.
But, I'm always kind and caring,
And, I'll never act a bitch.

You can try to judge me,
And tell me how I'm wrong.
But, this one here is my life,
And I will live it 'til I'm gone.

Remember, even young Lloyd,
Knew that Gabriel rocks.
And he did what he loved,
And he loved to kickbox.

But see, the music and fighting,
Were mere entertainment and sport.
Instead, he pursued love,
From sweet Diane Court.

Now at night I sometimes dream,
To be slightly Dobler-esque.
Learn to strive for what I want,
Then cast aside the rest.

'cause money may try to alter,
The way people act and seem,
But, no currency will ever affect,
The fact that I am me.

Who are these creatures I hear all about,
With a love and a care that is so devout,
Who can form a bond that will never fade out,
And will offer encouragement in times of doubt?

And what are these things that sound like me?
Our words seem similar when they decide to speak.
They have ears to hear, and eyes to see,
But do they have hopes and fears and dreams?

What is their purpose while living this life?
I've heard they spread joy, but only seen strife.
They can act like your brother, and then steal your wife,
and when suddenly provoked, most like to fight.

See, I've heard a lot of stories, about some good folks,
But I interpret them as blasphemy, lies, and jokes.
They could never be true, they must be a hoax,
'cause every tale ever told was as tall as an oak.

They all seem alike, they all seem so mean,
Are they the odd ones out, or would that be me?
I just want to live happy, and I want to live free,
But they seem to spark up, whenever I scream.

There's a certain pleasure they get, when they see you cringe,
They're on the edge of their seat, when your life hangs by a fringe.
They get a heart full of warmth, and a face full of grin,
Then they savor the moment, until they can seize it again.

To these fictional characters, I must commend,
They may seem helpful, but will hurt in the end.
Yet, I stay in search of one to defend,
The honor and duty of a lifelong friend.

I like to sit around and toke
lean back and watch my room cloud with smoke
beginning to feel every hit
Mary Jane you're it
I enjoy these moments with my boy
he always brings me joy
I listen to your fingers glide
strumming those guitar strings
I love your voice
when you serenade me
when we sit back and enjoy the smoke
I love you
even behind my cloudy eyes
you're the one who makes me shine
we take a moment
we take another toke
we take time and watch my room fill with smoke
with you by my side
I'll always be all right

I don't want to be missing you again
I don't like that feeling creating this pain
I don't like how it blinds my eyes
On a sunny day makes me think of demise
And when birds are singing high above
In my head I hear Sade's "Soldier of love"
I don't want to lose the use of my heart
No matter how life means to keep us apart
I don't want to cry myself to sleep
Just to fall back into a slumber, deep
I want to be happy and full of joy
Life is around me and I wanna enjoy
I want to laugh and my soul to sing
I want to be free of missing anything
I don't wanna think about what ifs anymore
But instead, feel alive like I never did before

~Natasha~