Rushing cars and twinkling Christmas lights and “holly jolly” Christmas music that is being periodically interrupted by the blaring of horns;
I just want it all to stop.
Bed sheets that no matter how warm they get still aren't desirable without you in them and cups of coffee that only sometimes achieve success in doing their job of keeping me awake;
Aching seems to be my only pal these days.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now that pretending just won’t cut it
And it seems that I can no longer cope with this anxiety that is bubbling up
Because I miss you,
I miss you,
I miss you.
I really freaking miss you
And I don’t know how many more times I’m going to be able to journey through the fog that plagues me every time I go to step out that door.
I’ve stopped being able to convince myself that it’s worth it now that you’re no longer there to remind me and kiss my flushed cheeks on the days when I come home so convinced that I’m not strong enough
You were the fuel that kept me going,
And without you here, I’m afraid
"Hurrry, hurry to bodies of great water! " Waves yell among another.
The undertow licks the rock botttom waiting for ones ownself to slip on their saliva.
And the skin crawls happily among the great chaotics of water.
So loud, sk gleeful, and yet danger awaits under.
"Hurry, hurry to bodies of great water!" Waves scream as they play.
Eager ever still like a puppy, just to embrace their salty lover.
"Sleepy, so sleepy and tired are we. " They yawn and become one.
Journey complete while still asleep.
In the arms of their salty lover.
Once I undertook a journey,
Out upon and completely around,
the very face of our entire world.
To view for myself the many pictures,
And written descriptions of all the writers
In all those History Classes, books and movies.
My personal Quest to see with my own eyes
What I had only experienced second hand.
And in my mid twenties, like a dream,
One foot in front of the other,
There I was doing it.
I sniffed and tasted the scents of foreign lands,
Incense, Sage and Frankincense, fish curry,
fried snake and even monkey brains.
Walked in lush Jungle Bush and Desert sands,
Along the shores of many Islands and the coasts
Of Four Continents’.
Heard the voices of 30 divergent Dialects
And cultures. Smiling and laughing with,
The beautiful children of all of them.
Set beside the fires of primitive tribal men,
Heard their chants to their gods above,
Or upon the land and sea.
Clapped my hands and moved my feet in
Their Ancient mystic dances.
Drank their tea, Kava or whatever they shared
Grateful for their offered unselfish brotherhood.
Stood on the flanks of the tallest Mountains
In the world, on my toe tips, to try to see the
Face of the God of my youthful teachings,
Mildly disappointed when I did not see him, or Her.
Found instead an inner tranquility, imparted to me
By Red robbed Monks from within their chants of
Peace and wise earthly enlightenment.
Strolled the cobbled streets of two thousand year
Old Cities. Walked among the ruined remnants of
Nearly forgotten once great Civilizations.
Explored Modern Euopean Citiadels of wealth and learning.
Over time rode on planes, ships, buses, backs of open trucks,
Horse pulled carts and human drawn rickshaws, taxis, subways,
Rented motorcycles and cars. Walked perhaps a 1000 miles.
In all a journey of the mind and heart lasting for over three years.
And why you might ask, why travel so far, for so long?
And what was I looking for? A fair question indeed.
When a boy, I read a simple five word line,
“Seek and thee shall find”.
And it stayed with me all my life.
I read books, saw films, did Research,
all in a quest to understand,
what those five words truly meant.
After a stint in the Military,
still wondering and seeking,
I embarked on my own personal,
physical and emotional Journey.
The next obvious question you might
of course ask is, after all that;
“What did I find?”
Well I guess the answer is very simple,
after all that, I found myself.
It's rare that I have moments of positive self-reflection, but I've recently realized just how much I've grown since this journey has begun. It's been a rough few years; I've felt agonizing pain of the heart & soul, but those moments have molded me into the person I am today, & I'm proud to say that I'm uniquely me -someone with a heart as grand & as deep as the sea. My life has been scarred, but my soul has been cleaned; forgiveness has been given & now I'm set free. I'll make a difference in this world, I know. "How?" By giving love unconditionally. Without love, this world ceases to be. My heart may be beaten & bruised, but it's still knock, knock, knocking in my chest & it's begging to be heard; my heart is not my own, though it resides within me. My heart is not my own, it is for all of you to see. This is who I was meant to be.
Mother soon you will be free to fly again outside the prison of your body, to dance in the cosmos amongst heavens realm.
To communicate with the oneness that is the universe, interpreted through your faith in God, and join the sanctuary of the other departed souls.
Gather again with your closest and dearest, still remembered and never forgotten in luxurious unity, comfort and divine peace.
The journey is over on this mortal coil, hard fought through effort and pain, frustrated emotions struggling for lucid thought.
Time now to rest, seek comfort and the quietness of serenity that awaits you after this struggle for your existence.
Surrender to the all engulfing love, its strong embrace, savour the attraction of the ultimate reality unfolding.
Leave now in the knowledge that those still here acknowledge and respect the greatest sacrifices you made for them.
Death kisses the spirit and wraps the emotions securely, igniting the soul's flame to burn brightly once again.
Fly high and free like a bird, Jonathan's got nothing on you as you soar and sweep through silvery feathered clouds to the deep blue joy edged with gilded light.
A) I'm tired of lists
and writers who can hardly breathe
when they wake up in the morning
telling me how to wash him out of my hair,
and how to hug my father when I'm sad.
I don't have a father.
B) They never tell you how empty you'll feel
when you finally leave him. It's for the best, you know,
you deserve someone who loves you. Not that he didn't.
C) What the fuck am I supposed to do or choose or say?
D) You can fall in love with yourself,
but that's not a prerequisite for love.
You are deserving of love regardless
of where you are in your journey.
E) Stop listening to people who tell you
boys don't fall in love with sad girls.
You don't want a boy, you want a man,
and he will fall in love with you - a woman.
Your depression does not define you,
you are so much more than that, and he knows.
F) Most of all, do not listen
to your friends
that try to explain life to you
Let us go to a party
Where no one knows my name, and
Can I sit on the edge of every scene
I want every one to feel
In the shadows I walk down this street
Starting to feel the rain
Lights that are loud, but
Make not a similar sound
To the fire that rests within me
Have you ever just desired silent freedom
To lay awake underneath the stars
The kind of release found in victory
Except this world is purely ours
Because it is usually just the simplicity
That lights these eyes of mine
When black is the strongest color I know
In comparison to me,
Sometimes I just want to hide from them
Now they just want to copy
And believe it is a compliment
I am hungry for something different
Because where I lead
They always end up following
I could never forget the journey
And how many stories I have left
In the shadows I stood
As a child I knew nothing
and needed even less,
content with being happy
but 'growing up' required me to digress.
I took life as a challenge
chose myself an aim,
let the goals laid out for me
become the rules of the game.
Years of living like this
distraction and reward,
suddenly I realised
I was cold, alone and bored.
My knuckles white and fingers raw
from trying to hold on,
to the rules I made as a child
but the reasons were long gone.
But whose choice is it
what I see, I want and need,
the thought that these are 'my' desires
could be called the root of greed.
So I spent years on this journey
back into my head,
to find the child I left behind
hoping he wasn't dead.
In a dream one night I found him
he laughed when he saw I forgot,
that logic was an emotion
and that love was not.
So these days I give back
what my fear took away,
now I let that child come out and sing
rather than hiding how he plays.
I know it makes it easier
to control what you think and say,
but if you let go long enough
there's a very different way.
One of these days
I’ll keep aside a day for mourning
I’ll journey through memory
To dig up buried faces
My priceless treasures
Passing guests of life
Touching me for minutes
A few hours
But carving in my heart
And who I outlive
With a sense of guilt
Pangs of conscience
That in those minutes
By those hours
They did miraculously more
Than I have ever thought of doing
Across far longer time
Living for what they gave me
But not living for what they taught me
In those small hours
When their eyes only gave
Their hearts only parted
The noblest thing for me
That I failed then
Eternal Resting Peace Mr. Mandela
You were the rebel, the prisoner, the fighter for a people without rights, a people who fought valiantly and with hopes and visions of equality. Such a pity, the greater population of the world lived in ignorance and denial of the existence of the endless fight and plight of a people. War in the streets, the blood and bodies of men, women and children was common sight witnessed and price paid to gain basic rights of human. After over a quarter of a century and pressures building to gain your freedom; unconditionally, you arose like the phoenix and emerged to greet sunlight. A continuing mission of freedom and liberation of a people oppressed, remained upper most in the heart and mind of one who would not rest. You emerged from the darkness, seeing the walls of apartheid standing, standing strong against your beliefs and be architect of it's destruction. Who could foresee that the island with bars housing a man with resolve would foster a journey of a prisoner to wise and great leader of a people?