Im digging through the log
looking for where it started
at least the clean stuff that i didnt delete

im about 200 taps in
"load earlier messages"
is going to haunt me
my dreams
i hope they have a sound track
sugar ray, perhaps

i need to lay my eyes on
the first thing you said to me
with that fancy new number of yours

seriously
ive been doing this for an hour
ive only gotten back to march
MID-MARCH mind you

but if i had to be honest
the suspense IS NOT killing me
with every tap
of that god forsaken roll-over
i get a different glimpse
of how we used to be
and how we are irrefutably now

there are times where you
dont even show up in my dreams
all i find
a black tank top
comfy black undies
a copy of atlas shrugged
and a signed cannibal corpse ticket

and NO
i dont put them in
my dream fanny pack
OR smell them
OR pass them out to strangers

i leave them there
i leave them there because
i know that your coming back for them
you left them under the street light
to let me know that you
are just popping in for a pint
just around the corner

though my first instinct
jealousy of course
might take shape
before i had the chance to
rub my eyes
sober up
and actually have a constructive thought
i have to admit
a creature as perfectly sculpted as yourself
walking clad in nothing more
than an original colored landing strip
into ANY public house
would get a better pour
than the next ten thousand

so i fold your clothes
stack them neatly
where you can find them
find a respectable framing shop in the area
that would still be open this late
frame that ticket
dead center
on black matte of course
and pick up your book
until my eyes are too heavy to wait
and my mouth too dry
to turn the pages
and i lay down
head atop a tank
toes inspecting the texture
of the sidewalk
until i awake

again
alone
and as ardent as ever

We all feel insecure now and then,
even without infidelity lurking in the background.
We don't deal  with bullshit
but some people are just bullshitting in the background

People wear masks on standby, maximizing opportunities.
Just like crows waiting for the right time,
to attack and slip between lapses,
lapses you and I just don't mind.

I personally feel bad dealing with these thugs,
as if I have nothing against them,
I'm just having a hard time to hide and let them pass through
I'm always a giver in this game.

Forgive me if I'm this cold,
I'm a first timer to live in this house of odds.
I preach art and believer of reality
and I cannot easily hide my thoughts

Jealousy stings and hurt sometimes
and You have nothing to prove to me.
it is just the natural outside forces
that is is getting into my nerves, It kills me.

the state flower is the dandelion
a persistent asshole who pushes out of concrete
lifts the earth up over her head
as if to say "look at me too"
i have driven down too many roads
where rich people build fountains but are never in
and have felt that i am about to be murdered

i walk to the top of mountains to pray
and cleanse my lungs
i give my jealousy and greed
and shame away freely
to the tiny alien flowers
and the ferns
and the cities of moss
and i ask them to keep the damp rotten bits
safe until i might need them again

an old woman in the city
gives three pounds of breadcrumbs
to five thousand pigeons
and coos as if she is protecting something
the essence here is grey
and hits the back of your throat like an ember
like your first cigarette

the state faith is loss
we bury our lovers in the mud
and wait until the rain grinds us to bits
drives us into the soil to decay
and become new life again

As the sun sets

My body I lay to rest

After years of pain

I lay it all to rest

I rest the hatred and the demise

The jealousy and the pain

Rest now dears

Rest now so the sun can shine

And feed the gardens of my life

Let the sun set on the pain

So on my life, the sun can rise.

Ardor
Beauty
Cascading
Debris,

Envy
Frantically
Glorifying
Her
Idiotic
Jealousy,

Killing
Love
Messing
Negativity,

Oozing
Pride
Quaking
Restlessly,

Slither
Tricking
Unanimity,

Vexed
Wretched
Xenophobic
Yearning
Zombie.

This here is my final goodbye,
I love you all so it’s ok to cry,
Sometimes these things happen,
Funny how it’s inevitable,
Everyone was different,
And does it a different way,
This is my way of doing it,
Dying and telling how I feel

Mom, what can I say
I love you but
You were such a bitch some times,
Mostly for no reason,
But I understood, I still do,
Just remember that the simple things,
They’ll get you through this,
My laughs, mostly for no reason,
My cries, we share much of the same pain,
My heart, the way you could hear it beat from a mile away,
I know you heard my thoughts too,
You saw this coming,
But you couldn’t have done anything,
You will join me soon,
Just don’t rush,
God takes each of us at our own time,
This was mine.

This here is my final goodbye,
I love you all so it’s ok to cry,
Sometimes these things happen,
Funny how it’s inevitable,
Everyone was different,
And does it a different way,
This is my way of doing it,
Dying and telling how I feel

Hi Dad, I hope you know how much you were hated,
I hated you more than anyone ever could,
The way you bothered me,
The way you loved William more,
The way you were always such an asshole to mommy,
She was mine, and you never wanted her to be,
All the times you coulda just left,
But no, you stayed to make my life hell,
It’s gonna be fun watching you try and kill yourself over this,
But guess what,
God like everyone else doesn’t want you,
Be alone.

This here is my final goodbye,
I love you all so it’s ok to cry,
Sometimes these things happen,
Funny how it’s inevitable,
Everyone was different,
And does it a different way,
This is my way of doing it,
Dying and telling how I feel

Hm, William, I’m not sure how I felt about you,
You stole my parents,
All of their attention, why couldn’t you just share,
It was always, William This, William That,
What about me,
I wanted love too, but know you came along and took it all,
But I couldn’t help but give it to you myself,
Damn child, you took my love from me too,
I guess its jealousy,
But that’s all gone now, all of the jealousy and the hate,
Maybe they’ll start talking about me now,
Haha have fun being the only child.

This here is my final goodbye,
I love you all so it’s ok to cry,
Sometimes these things happen,
Funny how it’s inevitable,
Everyone was different,
And does it a different way,
This is my way of doing it,
Dying and telling how I feel

Haley, you were like a sister,
A much hated sister,
You took part in taking my attention from everyone,
Including my parents,
You weren’t even theirs and all they wanted was you,
They always wanted to get you,
Everyone felt so bad for you, who cares,
Boohoo you had it ruff,
But too bad so did everyone,
No one ever has it easy so suck it up, and shut it up.

This here is my final goodbye,
I love you all so it’s ok to cry,
Sometimes these things happen,
Funny how it’s inevitable,
Everyone was different,
And does it a different way,
This is my way of doing it,
Dying and telling how I feel

Why cling on so desperately
When you can let
Go

Why? I tell myself
As I go on
That
Quiet
Lonely
Journey home

My mind wanders
Makes trivial things
Have sudden
high importance

Why?!
I ask myself this repeatedly

why

Maybe I just want to be loved
Wholeheartedly
I want attention

Not shared attention
But just someone
Who wants to care
Who wants to love
Me

I don't mind pity
At least that's some attention

I know
Many people love me
Care for me
Are there for me

But why do I still feel lonely?

I'm just jealous
Jealous jealous jealous
And jealousy ruins you

Looking for her daughter
the mother actually caught her.
Where the darkness is built
in the arms of the underworld.

you,my love my Goddess my queen
my want for you is not lust,nor crude,nor obscene.
It is an infinite yearning
of which my infatuation feeds.

Mine,my love,I wish for us to forever be
every Goddess measures to your beauty.
When they cry and yell,they scream out in jealousy
thus I open the ground for none other than she

plucked like the flowers you pull from the greens
my only contest is your mothers pleas.