When I am able to control my daydreams
If only for a second
I grab the opportunity to think of you, to envision us
I capture the moment as it fades into the darkness
And save the file securely in my brain.

Reminiscing about my self-controlled journeys always lifts me up
Keeps me at ease
They can force their blurred negatives into the slideshow
But, inside me, I am smiling
I push their visions away, turn back the page
And continue.

I will never know if it is your own doing
But you save me.
Our wave of love and happiness washes me clean of doubt and fear
Rendering their attempts pointless
Keeping my spirit high
Keeping the rope safe in my hands.

You save me.
In need of joy, I think to you
And you save me.
When I need no joy, I think of you
You are my savior.

Maybe it was me
Maybe I crowned you my hero
But either way my love,
Illusions are temporary, images are forever,
You have saved me.

As I sit here alone,
thoughts of you fill my head.
I go over and over
what you meant to me,
what you still mean to me.
You touched my heart,
like no one before.
Our memories totally surround me,
with every waking moment -
they are the last things I feel
before I retire at night.
Dreams of you weigh
on my mind and wake me.
This is when I miss you the most.

Our lives are on different paths now.
You are taking time
to figure out what you truly want,
even though I already know,
but have no control over it.
My wants rest in your hands.
So, I tread forward,
pretending that all is well,
while inside, I feel like I am dying
without your love -
your love that supported me;
your love that sustained me.
your love that completed me.
Now, I am lost without it.

You have asked
if we can still be friends?
I knew this would be
hard for me to do,
even after all of the hurt.
So, I took some time
to mend my heart,
and I learned  to forgive you -
with open arms
I welcomed you back.

Things are going well,
however, I remain so guarded.
I know that I must be this way,
so as not to be misled.
You tell me that you understand.
Yet, truly, do you realize
that I have given you one last chance -
one last chance to remain a part of my life?
This is all I can afford to give you anymore.

I am trying to move forward each day,
by taking small steps,
instead of one giant leap.
Sometimes I feel like
I am making progress;
other times, I feel like I am failing.
Time is all I have during my transition.
One day, all wounds shall be healed.

Time will tell what becomes of us.
One thing I know for certain is,
even though I am moving forward,
you will always feel
my spirit close by -
this same spirit
that will always care for you
and wish you well.

Vicki A Zinn
2008

Oh look – look at that!
It’s cloudy and the skies are leaking!

Has it always been like this?

I’m trying to remember something beautiful…

But these memories
                             keep getting
                                                 washed            
  
                                                                   aw­ay


I don’t notice how drenched I am those times when I think about your eyes – I’m focusing – squinting to see something between the raindrops. I do that because I’m trying to remember why those eyes held my gaze in the first place.

Am I to always be a duck quacking for breadcrumbs?
Scarfing them down – quickly as if to free up space for the more to come.

I know there have to be more. Because I of all people deserve more. I do. I swear I do. I tell myself more is coming when I start choking on the wetness.

It's the only way to keep going - you have to trick yourself

It'll be better the next time even! Yea… yea it’ll be better –you know? ...the next time?

Because I can give it back even better... I want to give it too. I still give away the little dryness I have as soon as I get it… and I don’t expect anything back… but I do need more. As much as I try to hide it - as much as I look like I’m enjoying dancing in the rain and splashing in the puddles- I'm not

I’m always wet and cold.
I hate it so much.
I cry too much and it won’t stop leaking just like the skies.

I feel it streaking down my cheeks like raindrops on windshields. I let it run down the length of body and get caught in a pool in my belly button.

And so I laugh because I hate being cold and wet and in the rain but I’m still standing here. And the puddle in my belly button slides out and joins my teardrops – which combined with the rain makes me look normal I guess…

But in reality I’m just nakedly standing there…and it's so lonely.
It’s my entire fault too – No, it is. I’m a sponge on the inside.
I soak up every bit of moisture and stay wet – while everyone else is dry.

I daydream about being dry. I look down at my reflection in the puddles at my feet and see what it would be like to be dry. Sometimes I squat down and look really closely. I’ve even gone so far as to stick my head in and open my eyes – and it feels normal.

My eyes are open and I see me … doing those special things with you – that special someone. The Nicholas Sparks’ kind of special someone. The special someone that I see myself looking back to when I’m old and wrinkly and saying, “when I was with him I didn’t even notice I was drenched...I believed I was dry”.

But then I start getting a tingling feeling in my nose when I realize “oh silly, dumb, stupid me – I know I can’t breathe underwater”. And it’s true. I can’t. But I’ll try again tomorrow. Just watch.

I could use a towel. I would love an umbrella. A hot cup of tea would soothe me nicely. But your hands… those special someone hands are who I need to receive them from. Because they are the nicest. And I deserve the nicest.

There's just one problem: I can’t reach them through the puddle…

She traces water
Through the river
Into the
Cold, hard ground
Where secrets lie in wait
Her past is
An enigma
And I
Don't know what
To do with her
Anymore

She speaks words of
Wisdom and curiosity
Her ears flinch when
Things unsaid surface
She grows uncomfortable
At the thought of it
She can't handle
What I think of her

When I have time
To sit back and think
Lemons and limes
Inside hard earned beers
My mind never stops
Coming to these conclusions
Back and forth
With the wind through green trees
She walks through valleys
Untouched by cruel weather
Comes out unscathed
Though completely unclothed
I am always in awe
At her pure endurance
Spanning time with nothing
But the smile of Joan of Ark

I've over thought, think, meglomaniac
Deviations psychiatric prison clink
Another Orwellian
Double Think pulling
Pushing me against the brink
        J I N X
Trying to reorganize this unhealthy
Thought process which sabotaged
My life from early abscess to catastrophic
Deicide inside, need new
        Glasses need new classes
I have to learn a new to live
I haven't had a need to respect from you
Even though I thought I thought
I already did  D E A D
My measured care compassion confused
From the primal sex, the twitchy inner head
Are you or I the one abused?
I cannot love, but can't us two be or
What may result is something with
Irreversibility, finality
The Death, the Death inside of
      Me...Double Think
I bleed just to fucking be...

- Johnny Raven
  © Copyright 2012

Conversation mental motion masturbation
Relaxed fit and there we sit
Entwined rested relaxation then
Thoughts and actions, no bullshit
Flying, no anxiety, calms the
Screaming demons inside of me
No masks I just get to be...see?
However, due to my emotional state
Recently, I've been over zealous
Too much attention between us
Such a fucking retarded game, so
Back of the bus...
So I'll play 'Far Dais Mar' the
Game of Houses, not too long though
Such things spoken or espouse (s)
We'll never be what we were...

- Johnny Raven
© Copyright 2011

I am not The Enemy, not the demon
Not the man who caused you
Nightmares, body rigid, sweat streaming
        Late night screaming
Nights of tears, the culmination
Once again of childhood hidden fears
The weeping, the crying, so many tears
Cold cadence after a night of joy
"I don't love you anymore," careless
Words, what are you to him, some toy?
Kindled spark way too soon rendered
Momentary unsure a withered bloom
Desolation winter park you linger
Momentary frozen cinder arch
Sealed the hopes as seen splintered cracks
Of hope exposed a million pieces lay
Was once a dream I dare to hope, deep
Within inside sealed silent screams
I should have known in matters of
The heart, my heart, nothing is ever
EVER as wonderful as it seems
Fortune favored me at least, you never
Held my heart and I don't still care for
You deeply, but that lack of ownership
Saved me the sickly sweetly
Taste of thorns pricked through
Heart flesh, friendship never now is
Much more safe, smart, I don't still
Want for you any of the best...N O N E
No rest, fuck 'em, fuck you,
Back to start...

- Johnny Raven
© Copyright 2012

"Ate kahit 400"
"Hindi po talaga ito pinagbibili eh" Said Carla apologetically as she smiles with half of her teeth shown  
"500, sige na please. Bibigay ko rin po sa boyfriend ko eh" pleaded the girl wearing sandals as she pulled out a blue colored three headed paper bill from her leather wallet.

From the looks of things Carla had a hard time to decide.
After giving her the change. She then tiptoed to remove a clip that attaches a teddy bear to a plastic rack
and had it put to a cardboard box for her.
It was the only thing out of place from her little stall that sells for Class-A jackets and school bags.

"It was a good deal" Carla thought as the girl wearing that sandal left and put it near her car
She was planning to give it to someone else but deduced that he might not be that fond of stuff toys like her anyway.

She remembered about almost a week ago when she accompanied her mother to their supplier to purchase secondhand merchandise that they were going to resell. She noticed that teddy bear in a really bad shape and got the suppliers permission to keep it. She then mending it was easy for her exceptional stitching skills.

"A few more hours" she thought as she looked on the wall clock and sat on a small wooden stool barely six inches high and fanning her sweaty chest. In parallel to older vendors  who are unlike her reading tabloid newspapers and watching Will time Big Time merely dissipated fromwhile eating fish variations and kamatis.

It was Valentines Day any moment college students like her would all come rushing through the gates and turn the business table of that lazy afternoon.
True enough. Moments later.
The sidewalk gradually begins to be congested by students as much as the road.
She could__

About Eight in the evening. Carla then decided to made the trade off between taking advantage of the occassion or closing down the shop. Afterall, she had more than enough to buy her mother the medicine which she badly so needed and was suppose to take her place that day. She then took out a few hundreds from a rusty ton box (which was once a kiddie meal toy a few years ago).
Went inside KFC's and perked herself up.

It's been the longest year of my life
In terms of struggle, in terms of strife
Not in a way that's measured by time
No, this year was measured in rhymes

From the choices I've made along this road
To being one step closer to the shore of our goals
You can talk with the ghosts inside your head
Or wake up and realize their already dead

Back some time ago, I nearly fell prey
To the zombies and demons leading me astray
To the vampires and werewolves tearing me apart
Back in the day, before I knew I had a heart

I would talk to a phantom I thought was me
An image of who I thought I could be
But that illusion grew dim as time marched on
And the picture was clear that I was wrong

The mistakes I made, believe it or not
Paved the way out of that parking lot
Of space in my mind and space in my soul
Made entirely of spiritual pot holes

But I wouldn't be here, making my way
To somewhere I promised you every day
And we'll be right there, hand in hand
As the cosmic symphonies resonate with our plans

I'll make it one day, with you arms
As we crawl out bed to silence alarms
And we'll see our child's smile on his face
I'm so grateful for all the mistakes I've made