I’m bending over backwards, cracked words falling from my lips as I try to explain to you who I want to be. My spine cracks beneath the strain.
You turn every phrase I try to translate to you into some spiel, shoved into my face. You called me crazy for being a creative thinker.
The materialization of my existence bursts forth into vibrant colors, a catalyst sparking my unwillingness to become you, who “raised” me.
I still have scars from the lies you carved into my skin, I scratched their opposites on top of them to blot out the dark tendrils of your misery and replace them with my own faltering hope.
Burning and tearing trying to prove I’m not the monster you tried to make
Taking charge of my own youth, teaching my own self discipline to restrain the unfathomable hate I have what you’ve done
At 11 years old you had lora, your /new wife/ steal my diary when she kicked me out of my room to clean it. That night her, sara and yourself read passaged from it aloud and laughed at me.
You turned my brothers against me so I’d always be fighting alone, pitting us against each other like wolves, but I got kicked out of the pack.
I became a fire
Scorching pages of my life’s history till it was erased, retaining the anger of memories and bridges burned.
I was never the villain you played me out as, I learned all my swears from you. I learned all my negatives from the influence you provided. You taught me hatred
I was never the victim you tried to turn me into, maybe I thought I was, maybe I believed it for a little while. That fabrication was never true, never who I was. You said I was your favorite, yeah maybe your favorite to tear down, your favorite to break.
I’ve figured out that people only try to gain forgiveness from things they’ve broken after they’ve messed them up past the point where those relationships can be mended, its proven with you, with my brothers.
You made too many mistakes to fix this, not with gifts, nor with promises that are broken before they leave your lips.
We share blood, I came from you, it seems my value dropped the moment I was born, and obviously you cant respect women enough to give your daughter enough of a chance to fight the world. So I forged my own weapons, sharpened my claws with the will to be better than you ever were.
i'll give you seashells
and independent city-states,
each sovereign in its adoration
of your crown.
your soul is planetary and i
would love to be your satellite,
my mass exerting subtle influence,
shifting oceans into rhythm with your breaths.
when i think of you, my throat
fills with weeds and invasive species,
and dandelions forge their homes
between my ribs.
i forget how to tie my shoelaces,
and my heart escapes, exploring
the world in a little wooden fishing boat.
it sends me postcards from rome
of monuments they've erected in your honor
in the pantheon of flowers.
oh princen of my heart,
the kingdom of the insects
is small and has a bad economy
but it is yours to rule.
i love you.
i love you.
For an uncountable amount of years
I have struggled with personal progression
The demons of days past tread behind me
Softly enough to not be heard by anyone else
But loud enough to hear their voices in my head
"The butt of the joke"
For so long
I have wished for relinquishment
A way to get them out of my head
To break the bonds they hold
To feel like I am the one to succeed
The one who is fit
The teller of the joke
For once in my life
To not be the one who falls behind
Or just never made it all
I've turned down so much
In the presence of their influence
With the mark of adulthood approaching fast
The boy who's been bogged down
Has held this tension in his hands
Trying to find some catharsis
Trying to translate thoughts to words
Trying to create something of this internal chaos
To explore it's purpose
To know why
Every line I've written is a piece
To the puzzle that is my freedom
My freedom will be my victory
And my victory will be their downfall
And 48 minutes
Is how long it's taken me to realize this
To realize the majority of my problems
Are all in my head
All a product of me not learning to feel successful
Complicated by myself
And only myself
Victory is never taken in a day
These things take time
And that's the one thing I have on my side
Along side those who wish for my growth
And well being
I don't know where to go
From this point
I am limitless
stones in my ears, rolled up kings
warm thoughts in my heart
is what i need
to get through today
can this get me through
until friday, or july
or when sympathies are expressed
do I need more warm thoughts
to keep on keeping on
can i influence the masses
they make me crazy
can i give love away
and take none in return
will i have someone feel me
the way i feel them
when do i
i have made it this far
without anyone seeing me
I have what I want, when I want it.
-but it's never quite soon enough.
-but it's never quite big enough.
the world is Mine
and it lies in front of Me.
-behind the blank white
-behind the blinking black
however, My time is best spent
watching the girls who are just itching to rip their clothes off.
I pay no attention to My people in need.
why would I?
when I get the approval from those nearest Me, those with the influence in My world.
yes, I let the dragons live (and throw them some lamb chops from time to time)
-and as I change
-and as I grow,
My wants get bigger and hungrier.
-only he that sports the crown can wrinkle his nose at the plate of bounty laced with perfection.
-only he who is trapped inside a blank room can find the time to tear its contents into pieces.
My eyes are too young for binoculars
-I let the dragons live
-I let the girls stand bare
-I let my people tie their nooses
-I let the sun run dry
cause it'll keep burning
at least until i'm
thrown off throne.
I funneled you into a flask and
Stole dirty sips of you all day
Constantly under the influence I held
You tightly against me until it rusted into me
My body growing over it like a fence leaning on a tree
But when you were done you poked holes
Into the bottom of the flask when I wasn’t looking
And left me—
Dripping a trail behind me –
We had grown so much I carried it still
A part of me
The same weight of two bodies
And I continued to reach
Automatic like an assembly line
And bring the flask to my lips
Even though I knew but forgot it was empty
And yet still I tilt my head back to try and reach the drop that
I know now will never fall back onto my tongue
Ever to be tasted again
Tossing my head back and unhinging my jaw
For a good laugh
That never left my lips
You looked at me
In the dark
In the back of the car
We both had been drinking
You said something
but no sound came out
it was a secret something
I didn't understand
You smiled at me
and winked at me
and grabbed my hand
Is that how you look at your girlfriend?
Is this how our relationship will continue?
Under the influence,
In the back seat of a dark car?
I pulled my hand away
I shouldn't enjoy that
I shouldn't want it
You get out of the car
I see the longing in your eyes
I can't want this
and neither should you
I push this feeling down
Into my Pandora's Box
for a rainy day
You walked away
We didn't kiss
We didn't say goodbye
But this was my goodbye
you can't manage,
you can't influence,
you won't want,
but one that leaves fall, on you and your discontent,
you want, but won't
enjoy flakes, whether they fall on you from the sky or accost you in the street,
you won't, but the want
of not getting malled(not mauled),
while you shop till you drop, and to be revived by mulled wine,(or is it whine)
the days are shorter,
sunlight is on back order,
nights as dark as Mordor itself,
days as short as a short story,
and takes as long as that to read,
but observe, observe
you won't miss a thing,
take it out to the world,
where the details is king,
write it down what you see,
then describe it so when we read,
you will not have been alone,
we were with you all along,
I hope it’s not obvious.
My eyes glazed over with admiration.
Bloodshot with determination.
My mouth parched from an open mouth smile,
Unmotivated except when you’re on my mind.
I can’t live above your influence.
This is a poem written,
Well under the influence,
Of a man made chemical
But it makes me feel good
The walls continue to breathe
in, and out, inhale, exhale
The energy in my lungs,
Could move a thousand mountains
The energy of my being
Could move a thousand universes