It was a moment so chilling when I realized I had feelings for you again.
Yes, again.
This rotation of endless "agains" has kept me up day and night in anger,
love, lust,  but most of all, confusion.
This relation we have is driven by sexual jabs and hurtful comments
designed to inflict the most pain on each other.
This "again" that I feel will fade into nothing more than another hatred for you.
But just like every other time, soon we will both start gazing at each other from across the room
and quickly looking away as though the other hadn't seen our eyes on their face;
We will begin once again lose the offensive spews
and our small conversations will evolve into tense talks with blushed cheeks and hot ears;
Yet somehow, I cannot get enough of this cycle of "agains".
It is addictive like your personality.
It is an obsession like your ability to make me crazy.
I am crazy for you,
but at the same time I fear that this lusty craze with wear off
and we will be left with nothing but silence.
Could this be true admiration for one another? Is this chemical?
Or is this passionate relationship powered on by our teenage hormones and sexually-frustrated bodies?
Just tell me what you want.
If you are happy, I will be content.
I guess, if you look at our situation from afar,
you could say we're in love. I’d disagree.
This is nothing but an infatuation between two people both sharing one common thing:
somebody who they can imitate passionate love with again and again.
I crave your physical touch and your boyish humor.
I need your attention most of all.
You need it too; you need me more than I need you.
How you wish to brush your lips against mine and feel my body and hold my hand and be mine. Nonetheless I wish for that too. Badly.
Nightly I torture myself over what to think, what to want.
But every time this happens, I push you away.
And the cycle of "agains" return, only to ruin us inside even more.

a.
to create and crave is to quest for gain

b.
what is intangible shall remain

c.
all is dust

d.
reality is relative

e.
as a god's pupil dilates

f.
perpetual singularity

g.
the jester and the harlequin dance and imitate
while the troubadour ponders why art is intimate

h.
lost palindrome

i.
dopamine fix for the data addict

j.
romantic junkie's american dream

k.
neo-lambda in half-light

l.
knowledge is dope

m.
contradiction is my benediction

n.
I am a hypocrite

o.
human difference engine

p.
interstellar weather: listen to the moon

q.
let me break perception

r.
sinful philanthropy

s.
social is sublime

t.
sly sardonic, slick and wicked

u.
neon euphoria;
we bring rapture unto the night

v.
philosophy at a rave

w.
nocturnal firelight on shamanic sands,
mescaline transcendent communion with the land

x.
rainy daze in winter ecstasy

y.
vibrant iris/acid cyclone

z.
love, and ketamine

I once heard a story
A story of a man, he
Worked under the sun’s scorching fingers
Still he lingered
Labored
And at the end of the day
By faith
Gave up his very best
Leaving the not-so-good rest
For himself.


Through his actions
He left
Something
Something for us to think about
Something for us to imitate
And recreate
And apply
To our daily lives
This man
By faith
He gave his best
And so do we.


I once heard a story
A story of a woman, she
Was blessed with beauty
Donned in a robe
Of purple and gold
Hair combed with Persian oil
Piercing dark eyes
And, knowing that she could die
Took heart
Swallowed her fears and
Saved a people
            a nation
            a race
By faith
She took courage
And so do we.


I once heard a story
A story of a boy, he
Had nothing to offer
Just
Five cold loaves and two little fish
That boy, unselfishly
Generously
Humbly gave
Everything he had
By faith
He gave everything
He had
And so do we.


All these people
Led by example
And left thumbprints
On our minds
On our hearts
They left
Something
Something called


The trail that you blaze
The memory you create
The footprints you leave
The mark you place
The “I was here” sort
The dent you make
The story people will tell
For generations
And generations
To come


So, wake up!
Shake off the shackles
Break those chains
Tear down the walls
That have been imprisoning you
Holding you
Keeping you
From being who you were called to be
For that is true freedom


Arise from where you are
You chosen people
You royal priesthood
You holy nation
You children belonging
To the Most High


Raise your voices like trumpets
Shout aloud
Do not hold back
For you have been set apart
Redeemed
Renewed
Reborn and
Redefined


It’s time
To be the salt
And the light
You were made to be
Not conforming
Not compromising
To the pattern


It’s time
To start being
A leader who serves
Protects
Loves
A leader by example
A leader through actions
And words


It’s time to make your mark
It’s time to throw the dart
It’s time to blaze your trail
It’s time to write your story
It’s time to quit hiding
It’s time to leave
It’s time to leave a legacy.

that hat seller
he’s a Maverick
itinerant, wanderer
no monkey business
no dependence, his own man
busy, he has one thing to do:  
to sell his hats

Hats, hats, hats
hats for sale
Blue hats, black hats,
gray ones -
will lend you some dignity
while on your heads

they’d not want to help him
they liked to brand him
so he said: Damn you,
I’d rather go on my own

moving from one place
to another
like a masterless samurai, a ronin
no monkey business for him
but the monkeys do come to him

he knows the monkeys
they’re everywhere the same -
pinching, covetous, not giving
but eager hands for taking;
and he throws his own hat down
and the monkeys imitate;
and he collects what is his
and he moves on, as he must
for his work is everywhere
busy, he has one thing to do:  
to sell his hats

Hats, hats, hats
hats for sale
Blue hats, black hats,
gray ones -
will lend you some dignity
while on your heads

Master words play on your mind.
They affect you like a different kind.
How can letters create such scars?
For the answer you look to the stars,
but no can tell.

Raindrops imitate your tears.
Funny how they can't wash away your fears.
When did the rain become so weak?
You'll forget about it all next week.
But then it'll all come back again,
to haunt you, now and then.
"I'll fight it another day" you say,
but how close is that day?

I'm no good with words as you can tell, but I hope that these mean very well.
Love is patient, love is kind and I can't get you off my mind.
What I'm trying to say is this, I don't know how hard it is.
But if I did I'd let you know that I will never let you go.

Either way, that's still the truth and I will always be your roof
for when the rain come pouring down
and if I have to I will drown.
Just so that you can see, you mean everything to me.

So here it is, this is my song.
I hope that one day you'll sing along.
But if you can't well that's just fine, I can make it all mine.
To sing to you when you're feeling down,
to get you off the breaking ground.

And when it does then I will see, just how hard it is
really.
And when I do I'll hold you tight and not let go
for the rest of the night.

I need the ocean in my life. I need to be by it, in it, near it. it's like my long lost love I've been searching for. I cannot go another 8 years without seeing it.

it is the most beautiful peaceful thing in existence. once I see it ill have found the missing link to myself. I will make sense again. my mind will be calm and free. I might even start crying.

I need you to understand my need for the ocean. I can't go for years on end without digging my toes in the sand or feeling the salty spray upon my face. hearing the waves crash on the shore. the seagulls in the sky & the smell in the air. nothing can replace that, nothing can imitate that.

I long to hear the waves outside my window as I lay in bed. I would sleep on the beach if I could. and if the crabs didnt come out at night & pinch me. wish I was there, sitting in the sun, on the sand. listening to the waves of infinity.

Sitting on stage
The glare of the audience immobilizes my every move
Is there a way this paralysis will soothe?
The lights suddenly blare
Like a deer bathed in headlights
How can I escape from this radiant bear?

The conductor baton rises into the soundless air
Sweating, stammering, shivering
Will this be my final prayer?

The sound of an A fires from a clarinet
Bow on string, I imitate the shrill
This magical note seems to be my fever pill

A-D, D-G, A-E
Instrument seems in tune
But will this miniscule fact solve my problem soon?

As the chief baton swings side to side
Flickering images in my mind crash like a tsunami tide
Joy, Love, Hardship, and Harmony
Music conducted the opening to my passion ceremony

Fire ignites my being
Like bungee-jumping off a bridge
The words “Anything is possible!” now beaming

Like poetry, music is an art
Raw emotion strangles uniformity
Expression bears no limit
Creativity beats as our vital body part

All day there is
No call
No text
No Facebook chat
No email
No FaceTime
No anything.

I know you said you need time
But do you have to imitate a mime??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:35 pm
Finally!
A text!
Oh....
You can't talk tonight?