I read the writing,
30 years old, or older.
My Grandmother wrote,
after a stroke.
it read just like
Now, what was written,
was a copy.
But 5 pages deep,
I was deeply
What a woman.
Pictures only show
me who you used to be.
Your husband used
to call me his girlfriend,
even on his deathbed.
I wanted to quit smoking,
in honor of you.
I cried a bit
at the library,
and just for an hour
I was taken away.
To touch the same paper
you put your pen to,
it truly was an honor.
your daughter is
here, to collect me.
Because that is all
it truly sucks me
And when I look at your
pretty pill bottle,
and try to make sense
of a cancer that made you
ill, how to glorify
a gust of sickly
pills, I am confused
by the nurse,
and the master.
I wish your subtle
be a bit more clear.
I'm confused by the
and saddened to see
myself to be just so
naive. Some tell me
that I'm 20,
a birthday tells me
Who bears the truth,
the truth within,
come out and say
hello, born to die,
don't you hide,
my hair is growing
old lengths once
it's a sign.
I wish I could paint the night sky with star dust
Pink and purple
I’d write your name so you’d feel special
You would never have to wonder why I love you
You light up my eyes
And awaken my dreams
With the most beautiful of lies
And did I tell you
I would never trade even the most beautiful sunrise
For just a glimpse of your smile
You are a gift
And I never want to leave
So ill gaze off at the distant night sky
Imagining your name
Written next to mine
There's a boy
Who I've always seen in my dreams
I never saw his face
But I knew he was where my heart belonged
Ever since I was a little girl
I've wished for him
I was afraid
I'd never find him
All I've ever longed for
Is the type of love
That only exists in movies
But I wanted it in reality
So I've searched
And found nothing
I've been left unsatisfied
And also broken hearted
But one day
The sun was shining
And I found the man
I'm was going to spend eternity with
It was so unexpected
But the moment I saw him
Like they say
I knew right then and there
That he was the man I'll one day marry
Even though I'm afraid of commitment
I was stuck in the darkness for so long
And he was the light
At the end of the tunnell
I've never had someone
Who has ever looked at me as
But he does
I don't know why though
He's beyond me
He's better than me
He deserves this whole world
I guess what I'm trying to say is
That I'm 17 years old
And I found the love I've dreamed of
For all my life
And now I have it
In the palm of my hands
I could never be more thankful
God gave me an angel
Who saved me from myself
I've never looked a man in the eyes
And said "I love you"
And meant it
But with every fiber of my being
I fucking love this boy
More than anything in this whole fucking world
And if I'm lucky enough
Ill get to keep him forever
i have to speak to make my words real
or else they get lost
drown in the midst of my self-serving soul
please tell me something
am I true?
do you see me and understand that I am real
i can only see your face
OFF MY CHEST
off my soul
i often create things and I don’t know if they’re true
are they real?
Are you? I miss you
looking at your face soothes my anxiety
not you, you
i’m so cryptic
all the boys don’t know who is who
who is this girl writing about?
is this too personal? too real?
can’t decide what is truth and what is honor
YOU ARE HONOR
tell me how you want me
make me understand what lies behind that sanguine smile
you are my hope
i want to understand where the content of my soul lies
am I content? honorable? confuse?
whats a world?
whats a truth?
whats the way to tell you how I feel about you?
this isn’t a poem
just a rambling of rhymes by a drunk girl
veins full of whiskey and a home that hurts
i want you to hold me
why wont you understand?
i believe in a world where we can be more than friends
this makes sense
i want you to understand that you are to me and we are a pretense
tell me that the creation of the sight and the movement between our eyes is true
i forget that im pretty
does my face create need in you?
when the whiskey invades my veins I just want to know the truth
tell me how you feel
TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL
your words are jumbled inside jokes
would it destroy? would it cease the kindness and truth ive found?
but the question is whether you’ve found it too
i miss you
it always explodes
like a hope.
makes me sad.
the way that the intricate nature of my pain makes me
feel these things
the way he hurt me makes me feel worth it
this is something I always feel
i don’t have the sanity to decide
i love you like a friend
i want to take a nap and fall asleep to you the sound of your heartbeat
do you think of me?
in the night?
when you cant understand your feelings but you know its right?
the anger boiling inside my bones
makes me lash out because I feel wronged
by what he did
took my innocence like a twig and snapped it in the wind
i want to be something to be proud of
my father only wants my ultimate success
anything less is a failure
TELL ME IM WORTH SOMETHING MORE THE WORDS HE IMPRINTED ON MY LIPS
if everyone knew
the things ive done, the mistakes and places and the
ways ive lost my pride and grace for the sake of sanity
the monotony and safety of day to day
i miss you
these are my friends
this is my hope
i can have safety in the way your surround me
i seek for your eyes
i grabbed your hand and you pulled away
is it because your honor or the way I talk every day?
its okay, I hate me
the way I have to know you
i’d be best by myself
held by the cold stone of the ground where I belong
i’m not made for this earth
the way I exist creates too much hurt
help me please
words I despise but cant help but bleed
one more moment
maybe ill become something I can stand
but good luck
even the drunk cant recreate again
i don’t know how to describe how the way your body moves makes me miss you
youre too good of a person
not like the others
and that’s the truth
i guess what I thought about him too
“too good to hurt me, that’s why I love him"
GOD WAS I WRONG
HE RUINED MY DEFINITION OF TRUTH
AND WHAT I THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT YOU
but don’t think about that
my past is not anyone problems but my own
i have to hold the hurt in my heart because I deserve it
like no other
another way to say fuck you
mike I’m still drun
its because my little girl body is small
the illness makes me weak
and the drugs make me not eat
i drink because it makes the rush of my thoughts okay
and I can hang over that porcelain without regret
no one bothers with the drunk puking
but the bulimic is an issue
so I hide
they don’t deserve me
but I convince myself I deserve any of you
when really im a bag of shit
i don’t want to create bad feelings in you
memories that hurt
so I’m sorry
you good soul
i need to understand how to make myself hurt
YOU SMELL LIKE A DIRTY BAR
with a sly smirk crawling across her face
i pretend I cant feel your judgement
i pretend the way that I handle myself is good enough
even when the earth seems to tremble under my feet
i'm extremely drunk off of whiskey and i don't know oif this makes any sense. i will probably delete it in the morning but its raw and true, the feelings i feel about you. goodnight.
You don't know where you are?
your former plans loom just like ghosts?
so, who cares? enjoy not knowing to the utmost.
Get lost in the sounds of things you don't know.
reminisce over memories you thought you'd lost in the undertow.
Get swept away in the possibilities, don't forget me, and i'll keep remembering.
My mother always called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend any time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD or why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn't have to play with or be around me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing most my classes at school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
All my family made fun and they called me names bully and teased
I was the loser that anyone could do or say whatever they pleased
They all knew my mother would not try to defend
Because she and my grandmother started the trend
Once I told my mother that I was happy about something
She said happiness was by me not deserved but a thumping
Mother was always mad at me since I never wanted any piano, ballet, or baton lessons
I had my own mind, and impressing other people in life was not one of my obsessions
Could never make my mother happy, she was always very angry
I use to hit myself, scratch my face because she drove me crazy
When I was ten got mother a gift at the five & dime for her one birthday
She tossed the gift in the garage, called it junk, said was best to throw away
On Christmas day, when I unwrapped a gift if I didn't act surprised in a certain way
She'd throw a fit, get drunk and make me feel guilty about things the rest of the day
I was always afraid of my mother, never knew
what she next to me that she would try to do
None of my cousins was I ever allowed with to play
Was always much of the time alone every and all day
I lived in a strange way my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work, on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
Never knew of anyone I could be close to, for a hug or some kind words
Things were always bad I needed encouragement for me to be heard
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
Bought games that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending time with me, I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking, and she felt angry
She said her drinking wasn’t my problem, she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit her or dad doing wrong, everything was because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a worthless punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom, empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would run down the hall to the toilet bowl throw up then my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to dentist, instead he molested me
No one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn't have to bother with me, and I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who daily beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt exception to the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out of school and placed her in to get her GED
Soon she graduated quite quickly within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and no student loan debt
Last May she and I graduated have a new life now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
Sister divorced husband for molesting her children still won't speak told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
All Rights Reserved
"The problem is..."
"that it is'nt us who see people differently from you,
but you see things different from us. We are not the problem you are.
You see the basest humans when we paint majestic creatures,
we tell stories of superheroes with no faults,
we expect our boyfriends to mirror night skies in their comfort,
and speak like Kerouac. Kiss our scars like white girl tumblr pictures."
"People like you," he says;
"...Dont ever kill yourselves. You're used to the disappointment. Your used to kissing your boyfriends sweaty upper lips and smelling...just that. You clean up the puke on bathroom floors without complaining because you know what people look like from the inside. That's why your art will never be good. Thats why today in class when I asked you to paint a human body cut open, you drew a colorless man with his organs splaying out of him, and goddamn" he laughs..
"I have to fold petals into my boyfriends armpits just to stand the sight of him
our fucking is'nt fucking,
its lovemaking. Supposedly.
When I tell this story later,
I'll leave out the spit and saliva and how the human body
aint that pretty, especially gay sex. Even 6 ft 3 chiseled muscle of it, ill write metaphors about his eyes and similes to his fists,
you will tell us about the humaness of his breath and how
it annoyingly kept you up at night,
you will speak of storms but not of the ones in his eyes.
The ones in your belly
when he farts during sex and you will
describe every putrid detail, like the fact that waking up in the morning aint so pretty,
morning breath is something we dreamers leave out in movies. And, it must be exhausting
living here seeing things how they really are, but atleast when you expect disappointment, theres room for surprise.
People like me expect the good and are disappointed when its pissed on."
My heart is warm,
My heart is ill.
My heart loves against my will.
Is that good?
Is that bad?
Please tell me, I'm becoming mad!
Should I be scared?
Should I stay brave?
I'm becoming my love's slave.
Should I be stiff,
Or should I sway?
I never felt love this way.
It's amazing what this love is.
It's just mine,
It's not his!
I don't wear those tears I wore.
I don't love him anymore!
And now it's my turn to make amends
And give some new love a chance.
Tell me your fears and your worries
I promise I won't judge
I just don't want you to become another story
That mountain won't budge
With you pushing it alone
So when you feel like nothing's going right
Darling just pick up the phone
And I'll talk to you all night
No, I don't always know the right things to say
But I promise you ill try
Just don't fade away
If you do i promise I'll cry
And my tears will form a river
A river for you to sail away in
Away from this world
To a world for just me and you
Hell ill even drink vodka
Anything to take the pain away
Just to numb it even
Anything to make it feel better
I'm tired of all this bullshit
I hate it
I hate them
Getting drunk it'll make it better
No maybe not
Just make it go away
Ill find it at the bottom of a bottle
Or at the end of a blunt
Maybe in the pills
I don't know
I just want all the pain to go away