Child born to death
Doctors give him no hope tears
God breathes through his lungs
Now a flowing air wise signs on waters streaming,
pouring forth from the pitcher of wisdom anew,
ever full undrunk,instinctive of human absolutes all.
Gods,men,minds all uranian battling calm,futile
knowing,caring, grasping,fathoming, conquering
tidings evil of powered souls unholy,knowing,uncaring.
Searing lightning flashes of intellects just,truly intuitive
burning stiff coffined conventions,dry dead rules of yore
melting old cold solid knowledge cruel of Draco obsolete
to humane rivers gently righteous, of merciful hearts
ripping away ways human sordid and corroded deep
repaving with light golden love those roads to hearts.
is it enough I wonder, have we become naturalized?
I've been kicked
yeah sure
who hasn't been
Kicked in the teeth
In the gut
In the balls
the world is a boot
Black as night
And steel toed
It lingers in shadow
Wherever love dies
Or plans unravel
It hides beneath
Scarcity's dark cloak
Obscured by dreams
Feeding on hope
Waiting to strike.
Yeah,
I've been kicked
Sure,
Who hasn't?
I am not The Enemy, not the demon
Not the man who caused you
Nightmares, body rigid, sweat streaming
Late night screaming
Nights of tears, the culmination
Once again of childhood hidden fears
The weeping, the crying, so many tears
Cold cadence after a night of joy
"I don't love you anymore," careless
Words, what are you to him, some toy?
Kindled spark way too soon rendered
Momentary unsure a withered bloom
Desolation winter park you linger
Momentary frozen cinder arch
Sealed the hopes as seen splintered cracks
Of hope exposed a million pieces lay
Was once a dream I dare to hope, deep
Within inside sealed silent screams
I should have known in matters of
The heart, my heart, nothing is ever
EVER as wonderful as it seems
Fortune favored me at least, you never
Held my heart and I don't still care for
You deeply, but that lack of ownership
Saved me the sickly sweetly
Taste of thorns pricked through
Heart flesh, friendship never now is
Much more safe, smart, I don't still
Want for you any of the best...N O N E
No rest, fuck 'em, fuck you,
Back to start...
- Johnny Raven
© Copyright 2012
I feel this pain in these emotions. Dullness. A constant line from happy and depressed and I am accompanying the two at the same time. There is this vision of a better life, but im stuck in captivity. I know that this town is not purposeful. My heart is sinking in my chest, and with an aching stomach that expresses this pain. The eyes that are blackened and dull. Are struck up and insecure with every gaze exposed.
With every part of my body falling apart, in this life I am fucking living in. I need to clear my head, get out of this rain and get momentum. I miss your smile lines. I wake up every day and feel so empty, and wish my life was over. Black and blue crashing down beneath the depths of insecurity. I miss you, every inch of your body that wasted away and passed through your dead veins and disintegrated and fell apart. The girl who meant the most to me faded through black smoke and ghosted away. Feeling useless and black skies will rain over me, every day, every night ! I fell apart. Every day, when I was alone from this cold world. Walking through these dead end streets filled with loneliness and crashing waves under my skin. Tingling jolt with every muscle when I jump into the air. Swerving and turning, Losing momentum. I'm crashing but still standing. Stuck in this cruel world. Selfish lies, and there is all there is hope that I once had, that faded like a shadow that died and wasted away.
The day sets sudden into summer shimmering
blind beasts patchy and lost
wander hopelessly along the tarmac trails of rubber foot caravans.
My mind races rancid thoughts forward
the winner takes all
that winter melancholy waving funeral flags at the finish line.
I'll bite down my teeth on the metal masculinity
and taste holiday nostalgia:
burning meat,
drunken rednecks,
fireworks just past dusk,
that mixture of sulfur and black powder,
fumes.
I can't keep on like this,
knees shaky from miles measured in ruby minutes.
I'll eat this city whole,
carbon emission load before my final marathon.
These teeth will shine down like symmetrical clouds in the sky
my mad mans brittle grin.
I used to wish:
for finer living in laps of luxury;
for nights wrapped in silk, sweat, shine, and infamy;
for heavens gates to open pearly white to golden streets for me.
Those days have lost their charm
beaten dreams that bellied up
and showed their starving guts.
Submitted and laid down
with their tails tucked between legs
and panting for mercy
my dreams play bottom bitch to realities sadistic hand.
As for now;
I hope.
Hope I can hold the fire in my hand
to burn my life and this city to the ground
the pile of ashes will bare no souls return.
That silent hour,
I want to be alone and involved
in the fashion of dogs.
I'll wander off alone to the trees.
My brittle ribs showing
the silent cage of my black and tired heart.
The trees will whisper their names to me
as my spirit shakes their shining leaves in rising.
Goodbye you lion;
your angel face was as quiet as ever,
slack and pale under a harvest moon.
"Sometimes I wonder if anything is actually real at all... or if it's just me"
" I mean... I doubt anything is real, and even if it is... I don't think any of it has any purpose."
"Ya? Like its all in our imagination... just a big shitty joke."
" Even if it...the world - reality; does exist; in a physical, permanent, sense, It's still all a matter of perspective on why it - or what it - (it being reality) is to you. It changes from person to person, and if you don't like it: you can change it. Which makes it seem even more like... it isn't real..."
"I just wish there was a purpose... I wish I could find a reason for my life."
"No one ever will, I don't think it's possible. The wish for reason, for a light at the end of the tunnel, is the ultimate weakness of man... but it's also the ultimate strength: it's all gratuitous - it's progress - sadness. The search for purpose is a lesson in futility... taught by hope."
" I think... I think I'm just... just tired"
"It is late"
"No, no not like that, not like physically, like of the way things are going, I'm just fucking tired of life."
"I am too... I think everyone is on some level. At least till you reach denial... or acceptance... or the ability to be oblivious - Life is a week of insomnia in an eternity of dreamless sleep - In the end none if it matters. I think if there is a purpose me and you will never be able to find it, we're only humans: we get tired, we get confused, scared, we misinterpret signs, we're filled with error. If we did find a purpose it'd be filtered through our perception, applicable to no one el-"
"You just passed the only store."
"... Sorry... I was too busy paying attention to you."
"Its ok, I didn't need it anyways. It was just an impulse thing."
"Impulses should be acted on though. You don't have much time for procrastinating, and you have to do it now because you never know when your numbers punched."
"...True..."
I pull up slow to the front of your house
we say goodbye
and god do I want to reach out and grab you
want to hold you - and not let go
lie
and tell you I know the reason
a reason
any reason.
Its an urge that spreads energy through my limbs from a pit in the bottom of my stomach
like it's going to shake me or tear me apart.
I want to kiss you,
but I just drive away slow
and contemplate how utterly useless everything really is.
I was torn between the worlds of a dream
and the awakened life
Tonight... I feel torn.. I am torn apart..
why does it have to be this way?
torn apart by time and space why?
Thiis isn't how it was meant to be when our hearts became entwined
we could not foretell that this thing was to be
Torn apart like a photo ripped in two,
one half being me and the other being you
I don't know why fate has dealt this hand
I only know the way I feel the pain thats in my mind
I see your tears inside my head
but can't kiss them away, I feel so helpless
Please give me a choice,
Please give me hope to survive
Struggling for a life
Struggling for a future
It was never clear
It was to be torn apart….
Your eyes never shine anymore,
your smiles are fading away..
All hopes are broken apart..
All joy is broken from the core.
Once I had you in my arms but you were torn away
Once I had you in my arms but we were torn apart
When was the last time I saw you
We've been long overdue
Losing our time to talk with each other
You've been locked up by your mother
I wonder what girl I’ll be talking to
It sometimes felt old and new
I guess I deserve the bad side
Our love, we shared had died
What can I do but listen to the pain?
I’ve never felt so much shame
Maybe if I write you one happy story
You’d feel a little bundle of glory
Recognizing the good I can do
You never came to appreciate the new
I felt so alone and cold
Maybe happiness will help the old
Hoping one day you’d read it
Just feeling one ounce of bright lit
Sharing that old soft smile of yours again
I hope you enjoy the tales
I write these under tired pales
Endless nights of rewrites
Kind of like spiraling kites
Tangled up and floating away
Every day, day after day
I write a hundred words down
There is no better way for a king and his crown
The truth is I write because of you
You never make feel so blue
I’ll sit here at these keyboards
Trying to hold onto all of these musical chords
This is my best way of showing I love you
But all of this will come to drown
This is just my wishful spirit typing these memories down
I got attached to you because you
Got me
You understood me
On levels other people never could
You cared for me
You saw the scars and you
"Kissed them"
I mean.. In the metaphorical sense
You didn't actually but you made me promise that i would never ever do that again
That I would fight the urge
No matter how hard it got
And I loved you
because you loved me when I couldn't love myself
And I wonder to myself now if that might have been the only reason
But I really don't think it was
I remember when I leaned over to you one day and asked what you would do the day I killed myself and you replied
You won't and if you do then I'll go to
But .. I knew right after you said that it was a lie.
One of those
Beautiful
little lies
That you selfishly want to be true,
It's nice to think someone could love you so deeply that they really couldn't live without you
But as I sit here now ready to jump..
I sure hope that
Beautiful little lie
Was indeed
A lie
