The day sets sudden into summer shimmering
blind beasts patchy and lost
wander hopelessly along the tarmac trails of rubber foot caravans.
My mind races rancid thoughts forward
the winner takes all
that winter melancholy waving funeral flags at the finish line.
I'll bite down my teeth on the metal masculinity
and taste holiday nostalgia:
burning meat,
drunken rednecks,
fireworks just past dusk,
that mixture of sulfur and black powder,
fumes.
I can't keep on like this,
knees shaky from miles measured in ruby minutes.
I'll eat this city whole,
carbon emission load before my final marathon.
These teeth will shine down like symmetrical clouds in the sky
my mad mans brittle grin.
I used to wish:
for finer living in laps of luxury;
for nights wrapped in silk, sweat, shine, and infamy;
for heavens gates to open pearly white to golden streets for me.
Those days have lost their charm
beaten dreams that bellied up
and showed their starving guts.
Submitted and laid down
with their tails tucked between legs
and panting for mercy
my dreams play bottom bitch to realities sadistic hand.
As for now;
I hope.
Hope I can hold the fire in my hand
to burn my life and this city to the ground
the pile of ashes will bare no souls return.
That silent hour,
I want to be alone and involved
in the fashion of dogs.
I'll wander off alone to the trees.
My brittle ribs showing
the silent cage of my black and tired heart.
The trees will whisper their names to me
as my spirit shakes their shining leaves in rising.
Goodbye you lion;
your angel face was as quiet as ever,
slack and pale under a harvest moon.

"Sometimes I wonder if anything is actually real at all... or if it's just me"
" I mean... I doubt anything is real, and even if it is... I don't think any of it has any purpose."
"Ya? Like its all in our imagination... just a big shitty joke."
" Even if it...the world - reality; does exist; in a physical, permanent, sense, It's still all a matter of perspective on why it - or what it - (it being reality) is to you. It changes from person to person, and if you don't like it: you can change it. Which makes it seem even more like... it isn't real..."
"I just wish there was a purpose... I wish I could find a reason for my life."
"No one ever will, I don't think it's possible. The wish for reason, for a light at the end of the tunnel, is the ultimate weakness of man... but it's also the ultimate strength: it's all gratuitous - it's progress - sadness. The search for purpose is a lesson in futility... taught by hope."
" I think... I think I'm just... just tired"
"It is late"
"No, no not like that, not like physically, like of the way things are going, I'm just fucking tired of life."
"I am too... I think everyone is on some level. At least till you reach denial... or acceptance... or the ability to be oblivious - Life is a week of insomnia in an eternity of dreamless sleep - In the end none if it matters. I think if there is a purpose me and you will never be able to find it, we're only humans: we get tired, we get confused, scared, we misinterpret signs, we're filled with error. If we did find a purpose it'd be filtered through our perception, applicable to no one el-"
"You just passed the only store."
"... Sorry... I was too busy paying attention to you."
"Its ok, I didn't need it anyways. It was just an impulse thing."
"Impulses should be acted on though. You don't have much time for procrastinating, and you have to do it now because you never know when your numbers punched."
"...True..."
I pull up slow to the front of your house
we say goodbye
and god do I want to reach out and grab you
want to hold you - and not let go
lie
and tell you I know the reason
a reason
any reason.
Its an urge that spreads energy through my limbs from a pit in the bottom of my stomach
like it's going to shake me or tear me apart.
I want to kiss you,
but I just drive away slow
and contemplate how utterly useless everything really is.

I was torn between the worlds of a dream
and the awakened life
Tonight... I feel torn.. I am torn apart..
why does it have to be this way?
torn apart by time and space why?

Thiis isn't how it was meant to be when our hearts became entwined
we could not foretell that this thing was to be

Torn apart like a photo ripped in two,
one half being me and the other being you

I don't know why fate has dealt this hand
I only know the way I feel the pain thats in my mind

I see your tears inside my head
but can't kiss them away, I feel so helpless
Please give me a choice,
Please give me hope to survive
Struggling for a life
Struggling for a future
It was never clear
It was to be torn apart….

Your eyes never shine anymore,
your smiles are fading away..
All hopes are broken apart..
All joy is broken from the core.

Once I had you in my arms but you were torn away
Once I had you in my arms but we were torn apart

I got attached to you because you
Got me
You understood me
On levels other people never could
You cared for me
You saw the scars and you
"Kissed them"
I mean.. In the metaphorical sense
You didn't actually but you made me promise that i would never ever do that again
That I would fight the urge
No matter how hard it got
And I loved you
because you loved me when I couldn't love myself
And I wonder to myself now if that might have been the only reason
But I really don't think it was
I remember when I leaned over to you one day and asked what you would do the day I killed myself and you replied
You won't and if you do then I'll go to

But .. I knew right after you said that it was a lie.
One of those
Beautiful
little lies
That you selfishly want to be true,
It's nice to think someone could love you so deeply that they really couldn't live without you

But as I sit here now ready to jump..
I sure hope that
Beautiful little lie
Was indeed
A lie

I wish I was still six
Life was so easy
My only worries were losing crayons
Or running out of games to play
And having recess be cancelled
Because it was raining too hard

I'd even go back to when I was eleven
Because life was pretty easy
And my worries were losing friends
Or running out of people to hang out with
And having parties cancelled
Because who would even come?

Being fifteen
It's far from easy
I worry about losing hope
Or running out of excuses of why I'm failing classes
And having plans be cancelled
Because its weird to have long sleeves on in the summer

You're present when I hear this song.
As if the moment in time
and futures unknown
simply belong.

One hears the sound of water
that you hold so dear.
Washing away regret
and all that you fear.

Its rhythm flows
over worn thresholds,
to sand life's splinters
and to level down time.
Just as you ebb
from your story's past
to contain its pain,
you propel past rocks
and aspire to climb.

Its tempo is buoyant, upbeat, urgent.
As your gifts to others becomes
more evident
more replete
more fluent.

Its tone is carefree, deep and abundant.
Your voice sharing its
light
insight
sentient

The song takes its time to bring us through.
As you unveil the vibrance of your colorful view.
As you savor today's moments,
seek it significance,
in everything
you do.

C. . .
I hope you
like this song,
this poem,
Oh, I hope I got it right.
I felt your presence,
heard this song,
wrote this poem,
just tonight.

Some days when I am busy and tied down
I meet your smile with a frown

You want to tell me about your day
I say, “Later”, and you go away

You want to show me something you made
Wait, I say, and forget instead.

You want me to join in your songs and rhyme
I say “Not now, I do not have time”

I convince myself I am doing my best
By providing you with a cozy nest

I drown the guilt thinking time will stall
Some day I will fulfill your dreams, big and small

I just hope that the time will come
When you'd understand..
I don't purposely do what I am doing...

I also hope that if only one day ..
One day that I might not be so busy..
I would spend the whole day..
Just by being with you...

America, the beautiful
Home of the brave
Or so it used to be
Before it became
Home of the selfish and lazy

From sea to shining sea
Once a cape of good hope
Until the tidal patterns shifted
And eroded the shores
Of her dignity

Born American, patriot by choice
Is how the saying goes
But what's a patriot really
If patriotism is measured
By the size of one's collection of faded bumper stickers
(As if bumper stickers would revive us)

Land of the pilgrim's pride
But on this trajectory
We'll soon be
Land of the pilgrim's regret
From every mountainside, let ignorance ring

I cringe to think of what we're reduced to
A hollow shell
Made of fashion and fake money
Nothing keeping us truly alive
Each generation weaker than the one before

                           Please, no more.

Someone speak for all that's good
Do what our leaders never could

My country, 'tis of thee
I plead, awaken, open your eyes, and see.

He wields his hammer
   without mercy
bring
the
metal
d
o
w
n
time and space
    e  x  p  a  n  d  i  n  g
crushing metal to earth
         to vibration to sound

my head snaps to the left
         vibration through earth
                through atom through drum
a fire ignites...a fire BURNS...a fire smolders
nostrils flare
  apertures contract straining to focus
      heart valves pump unnaturally
         oxygen is scarce
knees weaken
and i  s
             i
               n
                  k
arms of steel
     guide my hips...
(keep breathing)
strands of gold
     brush my neck
(open your eyes)
kisses so light
  turn to a force of nature
(by the forgotten gods,
              you are beautiful)
teeth playfully snap
    eyes shine
(breathe, woman, breathe)

our neurons are mirrored
   our pheromones agree
now comply...surrender...submit

your cape is irrelevant
  the crimson does not impress me
you do not need it to take flight

your armor is useless
  i can pierce it simply
with a look from my blue eyes

what of your hammer, Thor?
it is all of what you are;
heavy with burden
  spinning and light with hope
crushing the earth with music
raised high to lead
          with a steady hand
hailing a booming storm
    light electrifying

be assured - your hammer is your own
i do not desire to take what is yours
    to smother your light
         to limit your branches

i only wish to see you grow in strength
  in beauty
       in music
            in light

and so i will wait...
for the thunder of the hammer
   crushing the ground
calling me home.