I'm a prisoner within my own mind.
What if's and Could have's swarm me
stinging me with situations that will never come into existence.
They nest within my hippocampus.
Their lies seeping through,
filling my thoughts with everything that never happened.
They feast upon my memories,
replacing them with sacs of false dreams and over thought.
If only I could exterminate these little monsters.
For once I'd like to be free within my own body.
But as long as they stay within me I shall never be free of their hold.
You taste of cigarettes,
it disgusts me to no end.
But still I come back for more.
I can’t help but crave your poison.
I’ve grown addicted
and accustomed to your influences.
Your kisses send me into frenzies.
Each time I am filled with
self hatred,
loathing,
and pity.
I hope that one day I will be able to escape
from your constricting hold.
But for now
I will stay content,
just within the reaches of the dangers
playing around with you bring.
My love is torn apart
Like the yarn that comes from your sweater
You know it’s there
But you never know when it will start to unravel
Unravel 'til there is nothing left but one long string,
What’s left is my love for you
From the tints of red and blue
I never saw anything quite as beautiful
The way the thread touches your soft skin beneath it
Like it wants nothing but to be worn,
And worn out
Your love runs deep
But it doesn’t tap into the water
That makes up 90% of my body
Flowing through,
Every heartbeat
Every pulse
Every word
That comes out, is for you
More importantly
Every word
That doesn’t come out
Is for you
I keep most things in
Like a safe that has been untouched for years
The dust on top aches to dance
And whirl about
But its duty is to hold our families most prized possessions
The type of holding that no lover knows
Birth certificates, life insurance, wills,
But does any of that matter aside to prove we are but a tiny piece in the puzzle of life
We see ants like we see people, just another thing that is in the way
We’d rather stomp on their souls than lead them to where light is
Because if someone is in our way
At the wrong time,
Better believe we will make it right
Have to be at this very important meeting, at this very important time, to get very important money, to buy very important things
What a shame
We all are
But you never shame me
Sitting at the top of the highest tree
Looking about with your telescope eyes
You cry
“We are all tiny fragments found within the oldest ship in the sea!”
Underwater broken up and scattered about
The captain tries to collect us, reconnect us
But would rather drink instead
He is our god, for all we know
His head is cloudy and his eyes are dull
He gathers our pieces to construct them as one
But is rocked by a wave and loses us forever
What were you to me
But a dream,
But dust
On the flower that I gave you
Two months after we met
That you kept on your dresser
As if it would make a difference if it was there or not
Your ocean like eyes showed me the answer when I showed up that day
I was lost in them but I heard you say
“I’m going away”
My heart sank like an anchor holding up time on a never ending clock
Ticking away until one day it stopped
If I stand before you and tell you how I truly feel would you feel, act, and do the same things you do
Would you love me the same way you do?
Hold me the same way you do?
Touch me the same way you do?
All I’m doin is bein honest
Hey you want an honest chick but I don’t wanna be a total bitch
But I stand before you…here to proclaim the truth…
You don’t do what you say I should do
Isn’t this a two-way street?
We stand here together
Two intertwined beings
Wanting to be with each other
My fellow brother
But you seem to be a hypocrite…not sticking to your script
Yea you talk a lot of spit but do you have some substance behind it
Baby don’t get it twisted I’m just a witness to your non- intentional hurting games
I still love you and there is no earthy man that I want to put above you but can you come down to where I stand
A one on one land where I see us on one page…one stage
Performing the same script
No lines missed so I can kiss…
These non-spoken hurts that I don’t want to be carried out on a hearse with no hello or good bye but resurrected through our lips so that you can understand the sway of my hips and where I’m coming from
A place where I want no lies
Where you and I have an understanding to where our two crazy worlds meet and there are combining streets…people wave and say hello…no cold shoulder…no putting up boulders
So I’m trying to say I am here for you and you are here for me
No unspoken words
Don’t keep telling me your hurting and you have a lot on your mind but never say anything
Tell me all of your hurts and desires
I don’t care how it’s put
Slam it on the tables
No myths or fables
All non-fiction
This addiction I have for you cannot be based on unspoken words
I won’t have that
I just want the key to your heart and this true love thing can truly start
So open up your heart baby there are too many unspoken words here
That is not what I want my dear
This needs to be a land where we spill out everything
My junk spilled into yours
Bleeding out of the pores of our hurts, wants and desires
So let this fire of words be spurred
All I want is theses unspoken words to be heard
I want a girl.
I want to hug her.
Want to hold her.
Want to feel her hands on my
waist, and her
lips on mine.
Smell her conditioner,
touch her soft skin,
look into her eyes
see her lookin ginto mine.
Bright, full of
future and promise,
reflecting the beautiful
life we'll have together.
Her hand in mine,
walking.
Walking.
Running.
Running away.
Away from people I thought would
accept me,
but don't.
The reason for the expedition had lost its meaning. Everyone was now interested in what they were seeing about them other than that for which we had originally come. The expression on all of their faces seemed to tell the story plain enough but, there was evident a certain degree of conscience which prevailed in them that appeared to override their own personal desires. This I noticed with anticipated concern for after all, if it were not for training prior to the expedition all would have been lost on reaching this point. They would have become irrational like the things they were witnessing taking place before their very eyes.
I looked at them once again and could have easily read their minds but managed to resist the temptation for if I had done so, would have fallen into the same threshold they had. It was just like walking through a dream relating to your own sub-conscious mind mingled with your conscious deep integrated personal desires and screened in your mind with harsh realism. Anyone who had experienced this before and was able to be disillusioned, as I had been, stood the chance of escaping its hypnotic hold on the mind, those who didn't were doomed.
Once in its spell they could witness everything in terms of personal desires; things that happened to them in the past and things that "would happen" to them in the future. The effect of this threshold could also be moulded into the way you wanted things to happen which was the main factor that once caught it was very difficult to get out. Without my help and understanding they would never have been able to re-materialize from a world of irrational feelings and capabilities where time and space were their servants and each one's desires their master as the Fifth Dimension.
____________________
What can I say, please tell me what can I do,
everything that happens is so because of You.
You are the core and essence of my life
looking after my needs like a loving wife.
I can't do without You for even a moment
which is almost as if we are in atonement.
Remembrance of You removes all my fear
being the only one I hold really most dear.
I hope that this does not sound vain
for if it does would cause much pain.
You are my one and only beloved friend
with me always from the start to the end.
You also know me better than anyone else does
which is why confiding in You gives me a buzz.
This usually keeps me going most of the time
and so it's almost as if I'm living on a rhyme.
____________
light skin
light curls
light laugh
light... heart
dark skin
dark curls
dark laugh
heavy... heart
eyes clear green
eyes deep cafe
stare with electricity
carry me down
feel the intensity
soft sweet sultry
rough cut ravenous
delicate porcelain
sturdy terracotta
envelope me
chase me
ravage me
break my porcelain skin
entice me
awake me
tighten me
sand my rough edges
hold me close
till days end
to show me love
and compliment
this is too easy
i can't believe you don't even make it challenging
to disagree
to be mad
to want to hurt myself
because i would never hurt another
this is how i feel
i want to hold it in
until it eats away at everything that defines me
and leaves me a shell that is only hating
full of resentment
and dislike of you
and everyother person in the world
no, i'm fine
everything's fine
you think i'm fine?
think again
obviously, i am not
how could you think that?
you should make it more difficult
to be angry
to want to hurt
more
than you make me
because you make me hurt
there is no denying that fact
and though i write this
with sorrowed heart
and heavy-laden hands
you can know
this is not a one-time thing
there are things you do
that really, how can you think that is okay?
it isn't
even if tomorrow there isn't anything
blatantly obvious
there's always something
will always be something
no matter what you think
or want or
wish
eternal is this struggle
a forever battle between opposing forces
i wish you would challenge me more
so i give in less
and give up easier
please
It’s dark, and I know you can’t hold it in anymore.
It’s over, your secrets rotting all over the floor.
Because that very first night,
with my fairy lights.
Stand at the stairs even though we’re afraid of heights.
In my head, clear as day, I can see it
all now, all now, all now.
And then it’s your birthday, with all your duct-taped packages.
Expecting a present but finding broken promises.
Your voice on the phone,
we’re both at home,
I can hear it
all now, all now, all now.
One week later and we’re both smiling,
ignoring the problems that have a habit of piling.
Four in the morning,
I hear your dad snoring,
I remember it
all now, all now, all now.
Then we’re listening to them harmonize in ‘Over Again’,
feeling as if we’re leaning over more than we can bend.
And the sunlight is making dots through my blinds,
like little memories I can’t help but find.
In my head,
never dead,
I can see it
all now, all now, all now.
And I can hear him now, singing you lullabies.
In four years after you’ve told your home goodbye.
Under the stars,
from afar,
I can picture it
all now, all now, all now.
Now I’m in class, ten digits light up my phone screen.
You tell me you couldn’t take it, you finally came clean.
Red and blue lights and distant relatives,
I hope you are starting a life that will let you live.
Cold metal bars and a filed case,
collected all the old family pictures you could bear to take.
I hope you find peace of mind,
I hope they learn they should’ve been kind,
I hope you remember me,
remember it,
remember them,
remember us
all now, all now, all now
all then.
