Here I lay
Oscillating around the milky way
Into a colourful display
Of swirling rainbow fireworks
Surrounded on both sides
By soft warm palettes
Peach apricot hues
On my left
A firefly's faint glowing light
Almost fading, one could tell
Like a bowl
Of hot creamy soup
On a frosty winter night
Emptied so quickly
But relished throughout
Of velvety warmth within
On my right
A goldfish's glistening scales
Almost blinds my sight
Its stunning beauty insulted
By the inverted dome-shaped
Of a bowl
By the ephemeral allure
Of love, and of us
By the ruse of creatures
Who corner us
With towering walls of Time
Using help from the impartial
Law of Equality
"You have revelled
in your joy,"
A voice from behind booms
"Now it's time
to pay the price."
My mother called me the devil child
Because I was loud, destructive and wild
I found out years later I was born with ADHD
No one wanted ever to spend time with me
Parents didn’t know of ADHD and why I was different
They didn’t understand and they were very intolerant
Parents told older sister I was bad and she didn’t have to be around or play with me
So much of the time alone was really no fun, however for some help I did make a plea
I heard my mother double dog dare my father to hit me
Mother would refer to me as a turd in front of the family
All my cousins were smart, while I was failing all my classes in school
Got in to many fights with bullies and teachers who were always cruel
My family would all make fun of me, call names bully and tease
I was the loser that anyone could do or say what they pleased
None of my cousins was I ever allowed to play
I was always much of the time was alone all day
I lived in a strange house my dad was very to the T religious
And my mother was always drunk and of course blameless
She’d drink when home from work on the weekends or holidays
And could always hide it from all her friends and the relatives
No one believed me when I told them that she had been drinking
They acted like I was crazy by then I knew what they were thinking
My mother took me out on Friday nights to eat and buy whatever I wanted, after work
Her last stop was always the liquor store for drink and smoke, I was left in car like a jerk
She bought games and toys that took two or more to play, but she nor did dad never have any intension
Of spending anytime with me because I was in there way. I was a bad child that needed intervention
Wasn’t the perfect child I admit; I ran off when I was 16 did things I regret parents put me
Away, they came for counseling I complained about moms drinking and she felt angry
She said that her drinking wasn’t my problem and she’d be back to see me when I could face the truth
Never could mother admit to her or dad doing wrong, everything was always because I was a youth
Came home from school one day mom was passed out on the living room floor dead drunk
Called ambulance for her Dr blamed me and said no visit, and he called me a punk
My dad would come home and find she was throwing up while passed out always in her bed
I’d watch him take bowls and put them near her mouth to catch it, was something I would dread
He’d walk to the bathroom to empty the bowl and go back to get the next one to do the very same
And replace the unfilled one and repeat the process. I was told by her doctor that I was the blame
Sometimes mom would go running down the hall to the toilet bowl to throw up my heart would race
Because I always knew mom would do this and then she’d come to my room to scare rant and pace
Since I was a bad spoiled child who had parents with money, nice house cars and good jobs
And I was not willing to help out or be responsible, was told I made the family look like slobs
My sister let her boyfriend talk her into letting him take me to the dentist, instead he molested me
But no one believed me because in the past I had lied about things, and the truth no one would see
Since I was different all the cousins, my aunts and uncle could blame me for when things went missing
Or went wrong I was then and still am now the perfect scapegoat and yes about it I’m still babbling
My father ran out the back door, when he heard me wake up and come out of my room
So he didn’t have to bother with me, I wanted to spend time with him he’d assume
Somehow I managed to graduate from high school and I then would move
To a different city I felt I might have better luck and my life would improve
Married two very bad guys both who beat, threatened me and verbally abused
Divorced them both and had one child and how I’d raise this child alone I was confused
Tried to work and go to school never was competent enough to follow through
Each time I would start either I did not have the ability of completing anything new
Am not proud of this but I had 30 jobs that I lost in 10 years and even tried going to college
Unable to remember how and when to do things, my head from years of abuse was in a fog
Filed for SSI and Social Security, got on section 8, food stamps WIC and other government aid
I needed a home for myself and my daughter so I had to depend on things like this to get paid
My daughter grew up, became ill with a repeating debilitating disease
I dedicated myself to getting her well, and nothing about it was a breeze
Had to take her in pain weekly for Doctor visits many times she’d cry and wished she were dead
This broke my heart with no family help, just her and I to face things in the days and years ahead
Unable to attend school for years, the Doctor signed permission to stay home
School system assigned a teacher who was mean nothing about her was tome
School Social workers interfered
And my name they smeared
She finally one day went into remission
And now the nephrotic kidney condition
Seems for now to have forever gone for good away
For years it’s been don’t want others to downplay
For a while I homeschooled her and the first semester back in the public school
She was on the honor roll things seemed to be looking up and I felt like I was the rule
Then one day she lost interest in classes, homework and attending
And the principal of the high school was calling and threatening
Pulled her out and put her in to get her GED
Soon she was out within month of three
A year before she was supposed to graduate
I knew by then that I was doing things right
Enrolled me and her in community college we made the Dean’s list and acquired no student loan debt
Last may she and I graduated have started a new life and now I don’t feel things in my life are a threat
But alone I’ve raised a good child, self-published a book and kept things together
I’ve published some poetry and stories in magazines that will be on web pages forever
Even though my parents have helped me out once in a while financially
I feel lack of respect since they helped family who treated me crummy
I’m still feeling and have most of the hopeless thoughts when I was young
But I still try to steer my daughter to be different from me and hold my tongue
Those cousins with the high degree
Don’t seem to have too much on me
Both lost their jobs within a year out of college from being snobs and dishonest
But the parents just think that it was because others were being so glibbest
Both stuck alone in life working in their old age
That just mostly pays a low minimum wage
My sister divorced her husband for molesting her children still won't speak to me, told her kids I was bad
She lives in my town and over 20 years she’s never visited so by her I've been for life had
Most of all I think it's because my parents never would face reality or admit
To any wrong doing of years of abuse and neglect, something I couldn't forget
Why am I talking about this after all these years still?
Because I think that it may just possibly help me to heal
My sisters are an hour fifteen late
And I've been shopping for coats so long
That I'm starting to measure the worth of my weight in their wool
I feel your rejection surround me when the XL doesn't fit just right
So I throw it back on the hanger and try not to look at myself in the dressing room light
I sit down on the bench half defeated
I found a grey one I like
Fits me perfect and I look good
Until I turn to the side
But I'll take it cause its classy and nice
I can feel their stares on me as they walk by
So I stop looking at my phone long enough to catch their eye
Let them know their judgement hasn't gone unseen
Cause I can sense what they're thinking
Or maybe call it paranoia
But when your co worker calls you beautiful
And the lady waiting on her paint
Pulls a card out her purse and says, "Beautiful but not healthy. I can help you lose weight"
And you stand there with your mouth gaped
Because this was the icing on top of your shit cake
Cause this week your man cheated on you
But showed no remorse
And a stranger woman saw you
As a product to endorse
And it took fifteen coats
Just to feel alright
After pulling at your fat in the fluorescent light
And the woman picking out the flannel pants
Made you think of last Christmas, placing them in his hands
And the music above your head
Held no holiday cheer
Just another reminder that you're ending this year... alone
And you forget to remember he has a new home
And you spent a split second wondering if he wished he were here
And you know why he doesn't when you look in the mirror
So I pick myself up
With my coat in my arms
Walk behind my sisters having a conversation of their own
I'm mostly invisible but that's the way we've grown
Laugh a few times, lay thick on the charm
Because they don't have time for shit weeks or broken hearts
When somehow holding it together feels a lot like falling apart.
i want to help you not be afraid
not in a pushy bossy sort of way, (like the others go about it,)
poking and prodding you
when you're hurt
and saying "that's foolish, don't be afraid of that,
that's a stupid thing to do"
but because you're simply so wonderful that i don't want you to ever have to be afraid
I want to be able to hold you
and whisper softly into your ear that everything's alright
and that you don't have to be scared
and to grin at you
and kiss your hair
and for you to just never have to be afraid of anything that is not here and now, nor anything that ever existed in the past. (if you're ever in danger i'll protect you from it with my life)
not anything ever.
(til i'm with you then, i'm with you there,
sweetly buried in your jet black hair
you're no Johanna
but i'll steal you)
i want to fix you
i want to help you never feel broken ever again (this is my damned hero complex and i know it)
(I have never been very mechanically inventive, but i like fixing broken things, i always have to be the hero, be Alice, but in real life it's not like that and one must put away childish things and notions)
i want to help you overcome this
because what did i ever do in some past life to deserve a chance to love a soul as wondrous as yours
Courtney gets scared and i cannot help her from all the way in america
a long time ago some schoolteacher gave her necrophobia from being so horrible when supposedly teaching them about the holocaust, and now she has issues sometimes with things like nazis and gory television and sometimes she gets dreadfully stressed out thinking about death and i don't really know because she doesn't talk about it much but she got sort of triggered the other day and it was scary and i wanted to be there and hold her but i could not and it was awful
this isn't really poetry, this isn't even trying to be poetry, this is just me being sappy and honestly i have no idea
Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd and its gr9 soundtrack is eternally ruining my life here have some halfassed lyrics to Johanna with some of the words changed because i am not even sorry
also nearly directly quoting Memories from Alice: Madness Returns but pfft oh well
I guess it's always been like that
You cry, I laugh
But tonight I hated your face
You tried to hold back the tears when you saw it
It was just one of my many scars
I started laughing
You still don't know about the rest
Or why they are on my body
Only I know that
Such a beautiful girl
With tears that runs down her pretty face
The ice blue eyes look so much colder
But yet so much more alive
And I'm responsible
An ugly face
With an even uglier smile
And a hideous laugh
You asked me why
I didn't really have an answer you'd understand
You said 'you're ruining your body'
Once again I started laughing
Feeling the tears from my own eyes creep closer
It's kind of ironic
You don't want me to ruin my body
Oh but darling it's already so broken
I'm just trying to build it up again
In a way that you would never understand
I'm sorry that you saw it
I don't want you to think that
I'm asking for help
Or that I'm weak
I'm sorry in a way that you will never understand
I wait every single day
for the sun to rest
and for the moon to wake
so that i can look up at the stars
and thinking how we were once as beautiful as they are
I wait every single day
to hear the seldom ringing of my phone
that temporarily lifts my spirit
but also causes its fall
upon knowing it wasn't you who called
They all arrive at one point everyday
but what I truly wait for
is yet to come
Or is it?
I tell myself that
the feeling of your warmth
overpowering the coldness of my arms
and the rubbing
of your gentle petals of lips on mine
are all worth the wait.
But I can't help but wonder
if what I'm waiting for is the breath from my lips
and the beating of my heart
or if it's just brutal uncertainty
that I somehow recognise
but refuses to accept
All this uncertainty
strengthens my resolve
but the time will also come
when I'm too tired to wait
for all these things- and for you
who I am now unsure of
Gentle puffs on a clove cigar
Away from the icy chill
And outside in the snow
Icicles hang from the windowsill.
Curls of smoke twisting up
Into the rafters high
Snow flakes drift breaths away
Out under the clouded sky.
Tomorrow waits for us
But the night still has it's claim
Warm milk to help me sleep
For there are wild dreams to tame.
I died today.
A slow burning death.
They said I would be ok.
But I died today.
As I silently wept, slowly withering away.
They said I would be ok.
They said they'd remember me.
Who were they?
They killed me.
My cries for help
Its too late.
To save the dead.
They murder that young girl I once knew as her.
She was once me.
Now known as They.
I need to draw a picture of what my life will look like if I don't become a doctor so I can see what failure looks like as if I don't see that every time I look in the mirror
All I want is to help people and thats why I shove my face inside chemistry books trying to make myself understand things that I've never been able to understand
Here I am rocking in a rocking chair that isn't moving because I don't know how to make it rock I'm just moving myself
I've always looked in the mirror and hated what I saw but then I looked deeper into the eyes of that person that is me and saw a picture of my future
I wanted to help people
I want to help people
but first I need to help me
OKAY SO I THOUGHT I WAS SMART, YOU KNOW?
so what if I'm not so good at math well that's all there is in chemistry
I need to draw a picture of what failure looks like but I've never really been so good at plotting images across a canvass all I can really do is translate words
I want I need to be a doctor because helping people is my dream
I need to draw a picture of what failure looks like that's why I'm writing this so I can look back and see
So I can read
This is what failure looks like, here see
Look in the mirror you aren't what you wanted to be
Read your words and see
You aren't so good with words either so why do you keep trying
I looked into my eyes and saw the future but now I can't bare to even try to see anything
I'm just writing I'm still writing and I should've stopped a while ago but here I'll stop now I mean
Here this is what failure looks like so
Look in my eyes and see
Society made me.
Society made me who I am.
They made me do it.
I did as they told me to do.
Was I busty enough?
Was I sexy enough?
I had to show them how it's done.
I had to be worthless
to be worth someone's time.
I had to do all of those things
so they would like me.
But they didn't,
they never did.
They are ripping my clothes off,
trying to take what is left of me.
There's so little left.
I barely see it anymore.
No rays of light,
It's worse when they aren't here.
When I look in the mirror,
I'm not there.
I don't think I'm here either.
I seek temporary comfort,
cold and lifeless.
Oh you don't want to know.
I should get help,
but there's no reason to anymore.
I don't need help.
I am awake in this nightmare,
and nothing will get me out.
It is my burden to carry with me.
I'll be loved,
just not now.
I want to feel beautiful.
I don't want to be another object.
I want to break my walls that I am trapped in.
I just can't.
I'm not strong enough.
I let it all come down upon me.
I have no anchor.
Society made me.
Society made me who I am.