he crushed every vertebrae in my back
leaving me spineless and
reliant on flickering candlelight
to make my shadow dance.
he taught me that maybe
cigarettes and alcohol aren't that bad,
because they sure as hell kill the pain
even if they take down your liver and lungs in the process.
There's a ringing in my right ear.
I hum to block it out.
The hum becomes annoying.
Neither side of the pillow is the cold side.
My lungs are the first casualty from the war in my head.
That jolt you get when you fall in your dreams and you wake up with your heart beating.
That hasn't gone away for awhile now.
It's like I'm just waiting to hit the ground.
Caught in this constant free fall of fear.
I can't seem to shake the shakes.
Found a picture from last night with a cigarette in my mouth.
I don't smoke though.
There's a rainbow somewhere and over that is where I'm looking to go.
I'm sick of sad songs.
I'm sick of happy songs.
I'm sick of silence and the low murmur of my 10 dollar box fan.
I hate everything that's on my walls.
I'd rather just pitch a tent and call it camp kill yourself. Population me.
Scribble thoughts as they come. I've been doing it for years.
I thought I would find purpose in it, but I still don't know why I write what I think.
No one else cares and I sure as hell don't.
I wish I wouldn't ask so much from the sky when I don't appreciate it as is.
Everything is wrong.
I could be as broad as the side of the barn or as specific as ice cubes in the Ramen.
Waiting for the day the Sun doesn't come up.
On top of that, there's something wrong with the lights.
that runaway's life once again felt
cut short of finding new home
instead a odyssey
of heart and mind forged
inside this extended mull
knowing no end
..where the land petered out
narrowing to nothing
where cold tides
always running in and out
on top of each other
and are hard to tell apart
they don't matter here
unattended thin stretch
he stays brooded upon
allowing him to run no further
..his unfolding life
into the swift gulf stream
pulling him down into the rip
one day it is as dangerous as hell
the following day
becoming less treacherous
where all his visions can toss and roll
calmly out to sea
something either ended or began here long ago
but i don't remember which
but it is enough to just be
he says with half a care
his voice a swell of low tones
old as the atlantic now
looking back over his shoulder
he is reconciled to all the other places
that might have been
just as remote
of a possibility
as this one his life places in
but the runaway will always be here
as perpetual as the shift in the dunes
that purple silhouette again
up beach, following the sunset
as far as it can go
my shattered heart.
While his grass stains strained your heart
When his semper fi was faithless
I was with you when you hurt,
Together, we cleaned up a mess.
My companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
We never left one another behind
Life was an adventure; in tandem led
By you and me; we were miles ahead
Of any who claimed themselves to be sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, or so I thought.
We departed ways one eventful night
I left you for a moment,
Knowing that all was right.
We two were surely predestined and set apart--
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones,
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning an added worry nor strife;
The other light-hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed,
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Spent inseparable and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.
I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding.
I am constantly worried
About what tomorrow will be like
I'm scared of what will be
Or what won't be
What if I see you again
What if you come back
Or what if you dont
Or what if maybe
I never see you again
The phrase, "What if..." races through my mind every single day
And I never know what's going to happen
And it scares the ever living hell out of me
I will take the Son of God to a Shell gas station
I will feel the deceit of paint on a white picket fence
I will tell your father about the ad hominem fallacy
I will show up to a busy hospital for no reason
I will send baskets of flowers to all the nurses
We can take our child on the public city bus
We can feel the heat of an exothermic reaction
We can tell Reader’s Digest about our refined taste buds
We can show Alton Brown a couple of recipes for finance
We can let him choose the one that tastes the best
You should break my nose for only one dollar
You should kneel to no man, woman, or Oscar Wilde
You should spell out how to use an Oxford comma
You should throw a party celebrating the use of libraries
You should invite people to drink excessive volumes of vulgarities
I am falling on a sword that seems romantic at most
I am falling down the stairs to get to a peaceful bottom
I am falling with a freedom that reminds me of Tom Petty
I am falling for a beauty never seen with prescription sunglasses
I am falling into Eden with an apple meant for Eve
And I was broken in a way
I never knew I could be fixed.
I was DAMAGED
I had scars in my heart
Then you came along and did wonders
& my heart felt different I've felt happy
& I let him go because I thought it was all
& I find out he really loved me
I'm in love with him
And he'll never know because
I broke his heart & there's no way
In Hell I'll have the courage.
I took a turn for the worse,
I hit a fork in the road
and caught some kinda Voodoo curse.
If you box the ace of spades
you know your luck is going to change,
it's going to change for the worse.
I got the Devil in my doorway
just a leanin' on the bell.
I know he's not going away
'till he's sure imma going to hell.
These February blues
I do detest, they've taken away
my 'happy-go-lucky' and put me under House Arrest.
So you know, if you box the Bitch
you're liable to play until you empty your purse.
My Muse she flew
out the back door and she's on the run,
screaming over her shoulder
'It ain't a crime to be unhappy but it isn't any fun.
What's it called,
when you know your place?
Keep calm behind those dark glasses
that hide your oh so easy to read.. poker face.
Boiling tears running down my face,
mascara stains my pillow,
how things will go,
i can not tell,
my heart is truly broken
what is this hell?
I gave you my soul
Wasn't that a costly toll?
You trace my scars
or are you drawing prison bars?
I tell you what i hate
Your friends i try to tolerate
I dont like this new nitch
Your not usually a bitch
I love you
But it can be hard
You blame yourself for my crash
But then turn to conform with those I Bash
What does it take?
Just drive in the stake
Since Im such a life sucker
Atleast i could get away with my murder
Since im soulless
Since I hold you back
Since Im just a punk
Since I died to you
Rip my guts out and hang them like streamers
Run my skin in a grinder and have your confetti
Spike my blood with all your booze
Fry my fingers in the greaser
Throw my brain and heart in the trash
Burn my eyes and ears and lips and tongue
Use my bones to build a bed
Boil my nerves so i wont feel pain
But leave my feet
They are what i didnt use
I should walk, no run, away
But i already cut them off so it would be easier to end me
The perfect murder
My own death
Ill naught be caught
Ill finally get what i deserve
The ultimate gift of life?
Can i just skip it to hell?
I wish i had died that day
Why couldnt I have gone faster?
Let the white turn red
With what i have bled
Here is your christmas cheer
Feed my ashes to your goddamn reindeer
Let me do this perfect murder
Then you can say your happy and merry a little cheerier