1
Like the  turning sheets
of a monthly calender,
life has layers after layers.

How would he know that ,
just a callow youth on  sea shore
playing with  smooth pebbles,
that was when he saw her first.

She was the woman who
taught him, whole cities lay merged
within a woman, like wave after wave,
of inhabitants over time, leave their
archaeological markers of periods,
she was a mystery like life itself.
There is no way to decipher.

2
They first met
in the city of light,
Diwali lamps were lit
in all courtyards,
It was an immortal moment
in his  life, he realized,
leading him gently to the light
which evaded him though he assiduously sought,
she parted without a word
Did she belong to someone else?
3
The city of sorrow,
yet again brought them  face to face
Ridden with angst of existence
he stumbled, was about to fall, then
he  could experience her iron will
more than a woman, she stood, like a pillar of strength,
she took his weary head in both hands, pressed to her breast,
pulled out the crown of thorns, their paths
diverged again, inexplicably complex, was their relationship.
4
In the city of guilt,
an unexpected meeting again,
they were surprised. Here, they were on their own.
They  wanted to take their lives in their hands,
in spite of the currents that pulled them to different directions.
But he knew all the while that her self, was divided between
three cities within  in her.They co-existed, Light.Guilt.Sorrow
will their love survive? Not all loves are intended to live long,
a parrot in his tree of loneliness always whispered.He pretended he didn't hear,
A game of dice, almost was their lives, mysterious forces did bet on their love,
Having traveled through fire and water, she was beyond pleasure and pain,
Kali with a fiery nose stud, female power that overcomes all pain,
she became, that shattered his dreams for them.
He was thankful, to be awakened by her,
the light she lit, burned bright, within.

Now or never.He crossed the river.
Deliverance comes from an inner source,
otherwise all will end as an idiot's tale
signifying nothing.
Her flame lighted his wick, liberated him.
5
Fire spitting dragons one can tame,
but in the duel with demons of life,
it could be a blood letting end,
call it play of chance or what ever
they are the  easy game here
He  packed his backpack and
started to move eastwards,
Westward bound was she, invariably,
her heart had still a song left for him,
the void was filled, the pain was stilled
with anesthetics of mind.
Just for one last time they went to the beach,
watching the sunset was their good bye to each other.
They never met again.

My heart lives in my throat
recently. It lives empty and losing its
pulse in my throat. Day by
day it becomes harder
to swallow. I’m on the edge of choking.

I’m on the edge of stillness, of
no more beating. And then I will
choke. I will choke on my
own still, heavy  heart.
I once knew what it meant
to live. I knew what it meant
to breathe and to see and to feel.
I knew passion and love and
happiness. I once knew what it was like
to feel. And now all I know is this
numbness. All I know is this
empty existence. All I know is waking up
each morning with the prospect of the day
ending already consuming my thoughts. All
I know is not wanting to wake up
at all. I do not know feeling any longer.
I do not know breathing or seeing
or living. I know existing for the sake of not dying.
All I know is not dying. That
is what it has come to. Don’t die
today. Wake up
tomorrow. Get through the
day. Wake up. Get through the
day. Don’t wake up. Don’t
wake up. Don’t wake up.

I am on my way to choking.

His voice eases my skin, fingers shadow
Inch, inch, inching, how much? Elephant eyes
Hidden behind hair, scattered strewn fabric.
Tangled mess of limbs, nothing outlasts weather.

You’re not my last and you’re not my first.
So don’t call don’t text don’t be what you think you need to be
I don’t know if it’s you or me but it might as well be you because I don’t feel so hot

I’m here and only your body is
I urge to illicit the utmost joy your hands itch at the thought
of touching me.

my heart hurts and I don’t have the                                                       up
why
                                                                                                    up
                  up       up           up           up             up         up
It’s simply      down    down    down    downdowndown
                                                                    down
                                                                         down
                                                                               down
                                                                                     down
                                                                                          down
                                                                                              down
                                                                                                  down
                                                                                                       down
                                                                                                           d(own)
                                                                                                                down            
                                                                                                                       down
                                                                                                                           down
                                                                                                                               down
                                                                                                                                  down
                                                                                                                                   down

Memories cascade through my mind today. My hands long and my insides ache. There should be a flood warning issued for my lungs and an explosive hazard label for my heart. Keep your distance. I am a walking catastrophe

My hands are kerosene,

igniting everything they touch.

Everything I cherish crumbles

to ash.

I should come with a warning label-

"Beware, highly unstable and capable of mass destruction"

I once was ruined,

and now I ruin.

"Attention: Run as fast as you fucking can"

I am sinking, and I am grabbing at any hand

that I can pull down with me.

I will try to climb your walls,

and you will need to build them higher.

Do not be fooled by my tender facade;

I am capable of annihilation.

Hide your heart from my gentle hands,

for it will shatter when I drop it.

Do not think I mean harm,

I will have the best of intentions.

With my best attempt at love,

you will crumble to ash in my kerosene hands.

By night, it all gets a little

heavier.


Each measure of each song reaches a little

further into the pit of the stomach.

Each touch from each lover burns the skin with a little

higher temperature,

sure to leave with more permanence.

Each breath of each lung pulls a little

more even; stretches the ribs a little further.

Each beat of each feeble heart feels a little

more sturdy; a little closer to the throat.

Each word from each mouth tastes a little

more like honesty, like humility,

like the plead to be discovered.


Each worry of each hopeful dawns a little

bit harder; seems a little more tragic.

Each memory of each soul has a

freshly sharpened blade, sinking a little

bit deeper.

Each reality of each dreamer sits a little more

threatening on your chest, stealing your divine air.

Each fear of each mind lurks a little darker,

a little more suffocating,

a little more real.


By night our world is raw, unsheathed.

By night it is all a little heavier on our souls,

like dew on a too warm spring morning;

beautiful, but a little harder to breathe in.

And now my heart has been 
torn 
from my chest and is 
pounding on this empty table before me. 

I watch as it slowly fades back to 
stillness 
and I wonder if I could have saved it. 

I wonder if I could have saved my 
sanity. 

I wonder a lot of things. 
Most of the time my mind is 
racing,  
retracing the steps I took to get here. 

I wonder what cracks I must have stepped 
on to send my world 
crumbling 
beneath my feet. 
I wonder what cracks I must have stepped 
on to create these 
fissures 
in my soul. 

And now I'm terrified 
that I will slowly leak from this 
chasm 
the same way this water runs 
in ripples down the hill outside my window. 

I wonder what I could have done 
to keep from 
falling 
to the floor.

I am cursed with a 
heavy heart 
and heavy hands.
my mouth is molten lava,
meant to scorch all it encounters.
I have leaden feet,
leaving a trampled path in my wake.
my eyes are desolate tunnels
leading to the destruction I will bring. 
devastation at its finest
a carnage of all that once held beauty
a cavernous demise

the grand fucking finale.