(If I were writing this to anyone else, especially and most probably a woman, it would go something like this:
I would like to unfold you one layer at a time;
I will peel off clothing
until I hit bottom
until there is nothing between
my hand and your drumming heart
except trembling skin.
But writing you right now is different; those soft words would feel forced, fake, hollow and pretty and attractive and wrong. I can’t tell you why but I know my heart has a song of its own for you and if I get it wrong you know you can laugh at it.)
Do you know how overpowering you can be?
Do you know what it is to draw a breath,
one tiny insignificant breath,
and feel my entire body throb to
To run my fingertips across your skin (not necessarily gently)
to press my hands into your skin until the impress -
like a flower pressed in a book - remains.
I don’t want to peel your clothes away from you,
slow and confident and assured, (not right now).
There isn’t always confidence in want, is there?
I’d rather tear them away from you,
quest for your beating heart and the shape of
your hip and the long line of your spine attempt,
with my lips on yours,
to take your breath and make it ours.
My hands are hungry; they feel empty, grasping, needful.
My lips are wet. I love you.
(I ask what I am saying and I wonder if this is weak: I want your body against mine.)
I woke up today
for the first time in months
simply because it's so easy
for you to make me invisible again.
Did nothing I wrote matter?
Am I just some game for you to play
when you get bored?
I took my heart,
sliced in open,
and laid it right in front of you,
trying to be as honest as I could be.
I can't give you any more
than I've already given.
If you want the walls to break down,
then prove to me I should.
And if you want to use me,
then fuck you.
I will be seen.
I will be heard.
If I spilled the secrets I knew about you,
I could turn your world up-side-down,
And sometimes I think
that's exactly what you deserve.
I knew the first time I felt the words nearly disintegrate in my mouth and fall back down my throat between a humming engine and black pavement in my driveway.
Everything feels lighter when the sky is darker. She left me lying in the damp grass outside my house. It could've been boring. It could've been easy. I could've closed my eyes. Could've slipped inside, instead I lay with my face to the moon, all pensive & strong & confused.
I started by counting the stars.
Then I painted the orbs that glowed around them with the tip of my finger.
I stayed calm even when my chest fell toward my shoulder blades and turned clean air to dust.
I felt twilight washing over me.
My mind raced as this twisted agony that rested quietly in the depths of my stomach lifted its head and slithered itself up my spine into my skull with the help of my heart strings.
I was consumed by this strange tiredness, that induced a definite dreamland before it lay me down to slumber.
All the clear thoughts in my head began to sink into this cluttered cloud beneath them, where they broke apart into a chaotic, uneasy mess.
When I finally shut my eyes, it was as though it was raining under my skin.
I could see it and I could hear it and I could smell it like an April night.
I knew when I turned twelve, I was not like the others.
I met Anxiety in the back of a washed out white classroom when I was fourteen.
It was a February morning.
Now I'm 18, it's a cool night in May
& she's here to stay.
Another chapter another story another life for you and me lets give each other a promise lets hold our hands together you showed me your world and i showed you mine, i think its time, its time to take the step to move forward , a brighter side is waiting and this was the last thing of what you said you left my heart held with fire you left my mind lashing in memories you gave me hope ,you gave me something beyond wt i asked for and now yu left me in this world .I stood beside your grave planted flowers went back through our memories and set my heart on fire and frm this moment till the end i promise you that you and only you are the one that my heart was opened too and closed after you❤
She believes in happy things
Invisible beings with fairy wings
Fluttery butterflies make her dance
An endless game of happenstance
Eyes of wonder, transparent soul
The world is cruel but she don't know...
She greets me with smiles from ear to ear
To hold her heart I solemnly swear
Gental touch sooth the soul
In her presence I turn to gold
She holds my restless heart at bay
As she executes her innocent ways...
Her plans get lost in the making
A pouty face when shes faking
Empty cups of invisible tea
Cartoon bandages when she bleeds
Shelfs filled with eyes that stare
She loves her tattered teddy bear...
Crayon drawling of sunny skies
She draws me with big wide eyes
Read me a story, she hands me a book
It's past her bed time but she gives me that look
I tuck her in and read her asleep
And pray my love she'll always keep...
the little ones suffer the most when relationships fail...
It's late and cold outside
The breeze has a chill
and it reminds me of you
is fading into summer
open arms unfolding
Enjoy the last vestiges
of winter wonderland
These stately still
halls of ice
Chill lightly rests
It's fingertips on everything
Alighting here and there
Bestowing some winter wonder
I want to walk
down these halls of winter
our cold fingers
entangled and intertwined
numb from cold
Winter branches woven
I want us to be numb
in the timeless heart of winter
Irony stains the laughter of a boy.
Following the railroad tracks,
Walking like a mindless toy.
But still he walks on with his
heart in his hand, palpating violently.
For every inch he walks, drip by drip,
more is stained by irony.
Not a soul knows where the railroad tracks go,
they only see the light.
The mundane train made the boy insane.
But not giving up this fight.
Though, soon he his hit, but never with pain,
curiosity of sight.
Irony stains the laughter of a boy
lying on the perplexed thinking tracks.
with his heart in his hand,
Boom boom boom
I’m in the firing range
But how I love this doom!
She’s saying I’m blind
I’m deaf and mute
Her tantrums I don’t mind
I know her heart is cute!
Her words I don’t take
Pretty sure on my part
Her anger is a fake
She loves me from her heart.
She curse me day and night
Says can’t stand my sight
But I can vouch it true
Without me she can’t do.
Whatever she says
She isn’t parting ways
I know it she can’t disguise
Love for me in her eyes.
He walked away.
And you should have saw it coming.
He gave you warnings.
And now you act like you don't know.
The reasons and the why?
She walked out.
And warned you when.
She didn't play the game of pretend.
And now you acting like you did it first.
A relationship only works when you apply the word effort.
You know the things you do to create havoc.
And the one you love don't want to put up with bad habits.
As if their opinions just doesn't matter
You look around.
And now realize you are alone.
But in your heart you were aware they told you they would be gone.
A relationship works on touching and agreeing.
And believing in succeeding.
Once the investment is gone.
Then the profits moves on.
The evening was awake full of history
wind pressing against warm skin
that forgetting would be too long
we didn't have a sail
or a boat
or more importantly an anchor
to remove or ground us in this swelling sea
I looked over your head wishing for sunlight
so we could go back to yesterday and the day before
so that maybe we would have never yelled so loudly
on the train tracks
watching humanity tear itself apart
on each side of us
we got lost in that
we lost everything we said we never would
and now these buildings aren't our friends
and their structure is pushing us out like gates
I'll become a stranger to another town
walking without your shadow underneath empty street lights
talking to the moon about things only you heard
about why I thought the world is ending
and how I planned on
(your hand helped the most)
tonight we said goodbye in tangled fists and heartbeats
tonight I shed away the secrecy of humming words I told you while you were sleeping
far away dreaming of me
I grabbed you like it was the last time, the way I always meant to hold you
tonight I sang to you in years
locked behind eyes you so swore chambered the sun
(on couches and floors)
watching you circle around me
like the earth
steady in your footsteps
in cold spring winds
but Im already in Portland missing you
walking streets and counting trees I wish I could show you
because you're not here
where I think I need you
Im already reading your book about the sand
and imaging the way you smile in the desert
tickling scars you gave me on a bed
wasted wine and razor blades
(now twisted like metallic woven thread pink and past)
Lucky You ,I tongued my lips
that red rust
pain killing love
love killing pain
fuck the way you made my thighs sweat
your arms are tied around me now
and Im promising myself I won't forget
amongst the screaming silent trees
your heart is beating faster..
'your emotions are heavy,
I'll keep them inside my chest'