I read eulogies from time to time
to pass the time, I find in some rejected newspaper.
The language is foreign, for I am
alive and in two hundred or so words I am to know,
who this person was and that
they were loved or respected or validated in two
dimensions plus words and a
picture, when not so long ago they were three
dimensions that filled voids in
other peoples lives, striving to make the world
around them a better place,
battled hard in a war, and fell its only victim.
Swallow the bitter pill,
there ain't no better place,
than where you are right
now, with words written
as plain as the pain on
your face, so listen and
I will try to take you to
a better place maybe I
will transport you to
a ephoric utopia but
that will take opiates,
for my words will just
make you dizzy, Gillespie,
get off that computer and
go to bed, and then you
will dream dreams of us
meeting instead, where I
will be humble and you
will be dapper unless you
are a girl then you will
be "a beautiful rendition of the Mona Lisa"
pray what is behind that
smile and how do your
whites stay so pearly and
your hair, so light and curly,
like the clouds over head,
with a background of blue
sky that holds that daystar,
and reflects off the water in
the duck pond and blinds
my eyes and makes the tear
oft fall, salty on my sleeve,
as I hold one up to wipe
a tear, I feel your hanky
brush my eye lash and I blush with unabashed charm,
but if we were manly men
walking under the trees,
along a pathway of asphalt,
walking sticks pressed into palms
of hands, not those topical trees,
along side us grass, dotted with Canada geese,
oh do watch your step dear
boy, or you might grease your
soul, which would be a helluva
a way to let this perfect day
slip away and take us from
this better place.
It matters not who I am with, for when I am with you, whom ever you are,
I am away from here, therefore found in a better place.
I told her
But she wouldn’t believe
She would for life not believe.
I can’t stay back dear
I don’t belong here anymore
They know it
And they’re waiting
They too had a day like this.
And then I started to cry
Burying my head in her breast
Holding her tight
But I don’t want to go there
I can’t for your love
Leave this place
I clung to her
Please do something
Tell me I’m dreaming
There aren’t none waiting
Your touch is true
My hugs are real
We stand here
Bound in a fate
Nothing can separate
Time up they said
The more you stay
The more you suffer
She was weeping
Only she didn't see!
his eyes were blurred, half open
and constantly shifting, his mouth
a soft gash along his chin, his hand
twisting among the grey, wiry curls on his head
and with one arm along the seat behind him
he slouched, facing the doors
like an uncomfortable silence
like an awkward comment
like someone who didn’t belong
and yet i could see that he did
there on the bus at one in the morning
this man was at home, as he tried
to make eye contact with me and i turned
to the window instead
and the woman behind him moved
to the back of the bus as soon as she could
to escape his wayward, grasping fingers
and i felt pity for him
grey, gasping pity
pity that made my eyes travel back and forth
between the window and indoors
as, inexplicably, i tried to capture
the creature sitting there
and i watched his feet shift
as the bus rocked beneath us and somehow
i saw the world from his eyes, the shady seats
and the angular, beautiful people
each one passing him by
hands gripping the posts and avoiding his gaze
and his mind was swimming in amber liquid
i knew that, i saw it
plain as day, this man was drunk
and though when he met my eyes
my brow was furrowed, my face uninviting
inside, i felt that same aching pity
and i thought damn, i’ll make poetry
from this somehow
and perhaps the words are simple
but i’m sure it’s the first time
that anybody has ever put that man
down on a piece of paper
in full colour
I have a lot of insecurities and self doubt
There are a lot of things that I don’t particularly love about myself
The way that I would second guess most of the decisions I made
The way that I used to prowl about,
and devour every man that made me feel like a prostitute without pay
I often times sit and ponder about how insufferably
rich I could have been, if only I had been using my head
These insecurities and self doubt,
They live in me like the blood that pumps through my veins
It’s not as though I've lost my pride
Or the emptiness I feel deep inside
It’s like a blade, without the sharp tip
plunging into my heart
And the tears swirl beautifully down the drain
disappearing, and turning into a drought
A river bled dry, of all it's renowned glory
and distasteful self perpetuating doubt
The fruits of my labor are not regrets that I wish to take back
Rather lessons that I've learned
While stumbling along the wrong side of the tracks
© 2013 Christina Jackson
I am slowly deteriorating.
The world ceases to exist in my head, and hours pass quickly,
And seconds feel like hours.
I stare blankly at a wall, for these mindless periods of time,
And it does not seem real.
Who says that the life I live serves a specific purpose?
What purpose does my life have if I do not accomplish anything?
These questions have ripped me apart, so I strongly suggest you do not take them to heart.
I am depersonalized,
Nothing is right in my head, and I fear my emotions are too fake for people to feed off anymore.
Do I live this way, in a constant confusion, for the rest of my life?
Or will this condition of questioning go away?
I have deteriorated myself,
And caused myself to decay at too young of an age.
It is true,
Curiosity killed the cat, the cat being my brain.
Do I get the job sir?
Tomorrow we can confirm.
He needed an employment so badly
A boy of nineteen
An would be graduate
Thrown into the vortex of life
To shoulder responsibilities
A boy of his age would not normally be required to do.
He touched his right hand on his head
I promise to come backtomorrow.
He went out on the road
With the dream of tomorrow
Little sunlit little brighter than today
His mind drifted someplace else...
His head crushed under the wheels of a bus!
I see him standing before me
His hand on his head
His lips parting in the vow
I promise to come backtomorrow.
Have you ever wept for someone
You don’t know have never seen
For you just a piece of news
Another death on the road?
Then you would understand
Why my tears were inconsolable
*Come back boy
Come back somehow
Some people may say I “day dream”
I’d call it pre-occupied
They say “absentminded”
And that I’m “wasting my time”
But I call it time well spent
My father says I “waist the day away”
Laying around with my cat
And laying on my bed,
In the woods, or just in my own head
But I know he is wrong
My mother would say I “dilly-dally”
But she would just be assuming
And the world would never wonder
They are all busy making money
That will never make them happy
I think it’s sad…
Because I see this strange world form a much different,
More beautiful angle
And I believe that if they all stopped for a second
To what I just want to show them
They would see
How beautiful simple can be
My friends say my mind is “complex”
That I’m “dramatic”
Because they don’t see the world through my lenses
My best friends know my mind is like a book
They want me to write one
They would read it if I would
Because when I’m “wasting my time”,
Or “just wasting the day away”
The gears in my mind are turning
As they sink deeper and deeper
To converge with my soul
As I figure my life problems out
As I realize where to start
And what are my goals
The ideas start rolling
You could ask me about them all
And the stress roles off my back
Its one of the ways I attempt to cope
Sometimes depression sets in
Sometimes I feel more beautiful within
So if you ask me
You will find that I see it as something different
Ill ask you, is my time wasted
Or time well spent
theres a monster in my head
and a demon in my soul
they're tearing me apart
with every second they take their toll
sometimes i talk to them
but i don't like what they say
they tell me no one cares
i believe it everyday
they tear at my skin
and break my mirrors
they send tears down my cheeks
and make me skip dinners
at first we were fighting
i thought they only lied
but its okay now
were on the same side
the demons want me dead
but they promised not to tell
anyway of dying
is better than leaving in this hell
i thought the demons killed me
but really i killed myself
i let the demons in
that was worse than anything else
never let your demons in
don't let your monsters rule your head
for if you ever do
you will surely end up dead
It was strange almost as strange as Thanksgiving with Justin Bieber at his grandmother's house.
Yes I'm sure that wasn't the only thing getting stuffed that year.
Who doesn't enjoy being serenaded by their grandson as he's naked with his pick in one hand and
his dick in the other as he stands butt ball naked in the kitchen.
Thanks Canada your like a dirty girlfriend who instead of giving a great blowjob gave us herpes What do I expect from a country that also gave us maple syrup and call me maybe.
I know we just met and this sounds crazy but your countries music sucks so never call us okay.
I was alone in the Pub as usual hell what do you expect from a site that has a showcase yet has no more groups from which half of the showcases are named after .
Yeah the owner has that true modern day logic like having a music channel that only shows
reality show whores and knocked up bitches who complain about paying the bills yet are employed by the network yeah common sense it really is lost on stupid people.
I was having like half of a case when a hamster who shall remain unnamed due to she would
harm me if I spoke the name of which is not to be spoken of walked through the door.
Gonz set me up with a cold one I really need it.
Really hamster I never pegged you as a necrophilia kind of gal but to each his own
good thing I got the paper let me just check the obituaries and make some calls
You want something fresh off the highway or you more into cold cuts?
I know I'm going to hell but honestly did you expect good taste in reading this shit ?
Are you fucking nuts?
The agitated little hamster asked as she looked at me with anger and possible rape in her eye's.
Look I can always hope good thing I forgot my whistle.
Just give me a cold beer you pervert and that joke was tasteless really have you no respect for anything?
I looked at the hamster after handing her the beer and thought deeply and hard pulling my mental hair at the same time even though I don't have any don't ask.
It's my job to make tasteless jokes and be a pervert what you think the time clock on the walls for?
Um employees ?
Well yeah it used to be until they whole health care shit I swear I give my workers one meal a week and provide a perfectly good basement for them now I got to give them health care duh
if I paid my bills what would I drink with ?
My customer who remains anonymous to protect the safety of my balls.
Looked at me in disgust uh oh looks like I might be getting a spanking as well.
You really keep those poor people locked in the basement ?
Duh person I cant say your name there not real people there here illegally.
How can you say that I should call the cops on you .
The hamster was turning red and from the threat of calling in the fuzz I knew she must be
serious yet still I knew deep down she was just playing hard to get with her threats and restraining orders but enough with the foreplay hamsters.
Look I really don't see what the big deal is ?
You have people trapped in your basement like some dirt bag smuggler.
Now you hold on a minute hamster how dare you insult me I said in my grown up voice
I know I can act like a grown up shocking isn't it?
I was about to tell this hamster just what I really thought of people who take advantage of people
who just want a better life and exploit others and really preach some of that moral shit that sounds real good yet isn't what I think cause I'm truly a ruthless bastard.
When I stopped and saw the clock oh shit hold that thought I almost forgot to feed the basement people.
I reached under the bar and grabbed four cartons of cigarettes and a case of wine.
What in the hell you only give those poor people booze and cigarettes ?
Well duh there French what else would they want?
Just then a voice came up from the dungeon I mean basement of the pub gonzo more wine
you American swine I hate you yet still I applaud your efforts in destroying that vile
man child Selena Gomez .
Ahh you got love the French sure that strange little man may stay drunk on a girl drink and smoke like a chimney but even he hates shit pop music as much as me.
My one and only reader slash customer slash person I enjoy annoying sat in shock.
You are so fucked up .
I looked as I took my seat behind the bar that no longer exists because some people
who shouldn't be allowed out of there cage run the site into the like button ground.
Yes hamster I'm a little ruff around the edges but when you get to know me.
You realize behind all the insults and perverted bad humor .
I'm well I'm far worse than you could ever imagine.
We sat there swapping stories the drinks flowed the French man in the basement yelled
something in that strange language he spoke once I couldn't understand cause I
don't speak German.
It was a true night to remember except for the part I forgot duh!
It was growing closer and closer to closing time I mixed us both a good strong drink
yet with a soft side and heart of gold like a awesome hooker or that man tranny Kim Kardashian .
Well I guess better head out Gonz.
Aren't you feeling like your going to pass out .
Um no why ?
Dammit its really getting bad when you cant trust a good street dealer to quality
The hamster was headed out the door but before she left she turned and said.
Oh yeah and you might need to grab a pillow.
And then everything went black but not like in the NBA .
No indeed I was out like Charlie sheen after a really good coke binge when he used to be cool.
I awoke upon the floor alone cold and hurting in a area far more strange than fifty one
dammit man whya alien would travel across the galaxy only to corn hole rednecks and poetic madmen is beyond me but enough about what some owners of websites do in there off time.
Upon the bar sat the only cure for my troubles a double shot of good blended whiskey.
Next to it a note on a bar napkin .
Dear Gonz next time remember to remember which drink you spiked you dumbass .
I had to laugh and sit really funny the seat was a bit uncomfortable get your heads out of the gutter
children your almost as bad as me.
Until next time kids remember .
Good humor bad humor its just fucking a joke to begin with so lighten the fuck up.
Cheers and stay crazy.
And remember if it offends nobody forced you to read it to begin with.
Drinks on me cheers.
all words have an expiration date
why do we hang ourselves out melting in front of the entire world
I long to be an honest flower but act on impulses that flowers cannot feel
sitting here looking at the electronic words blink in front of my eyes I wonder where love has wandered off to this time
in a stupor head hung forward warm guts telling life its not dead
wondering how far the warmth can take it before there's nothing left
good food bad food home cooked meals
what good is the good life without another that feels
bright room dark room beautiful sleep
something about sheep
these are bad times for expression an expression depression
as the others fly around looking for a quick fix I fly around looking for a quick fix
never more alone than these times in the dark winter nights
every affection taken as a nod to continued existence
every sensation rooted self every other sensation rooted self
losing touch with the keyboard