so many reasons to hate myself
make for so little time to sleep
silent Insomnia frequents my bedside
she echoes each secret I keep

the fears that lurk in my shadow
which plague my subconscious by light
crawl out from their filthy recesses
and haunt me to tears in the night

still, I cannot express aloud
these struggles, however grim,
because to gripe and moan
would not reflect well upon Him

I know I should be fearless
yet, I can't see how I could
but in this season of contradiction
maybe turmoil leads to Good

and if Good awaits me someday
then maybe Better does, as well
and if I trust in Best Of Bests
then Insecurity can go to Hell

so here's to persevering
even when tears cloud my eyes
and pressing on toward self-acceptance
through this heavy (but thinning) veil of lies.

Mama taught me to be paranoid
to always be wary of others' intentions
Mama taught me that a normal sentence
can be undermining
Mama taught me that people will take advantage of you
Mama taught me that people aren't as good as you would like them to be, or as they seem, or as you remember
Mama taught me to question everything

And I hate it

But Mama showed me how to be strong
Mama told me to be smart
Mama said I should be confident
Mama told me to believe in myself
Mama taught me to never let anyone feel
like they owed me anything, like they owed me pity
Mama taught me to be proud of myself

And I owe her a thousand "thank you"s

Dear world,

if you hate people standing out--
say it.
dont give kids false hopes.

dont say shits like:
"be yourselves".
"the world loves you for being you"

cause you dont.

I have these scars on my heart, my hand and my back
I'm writing your name like it is the alphabet
Carved on my back
making me bleed and feel like crap.

Trying to make you permanent
although you never will be
You always disappear before I can get a hole
You were never there when I needed you the most
You left me there, lying on the cold floor
You promised you wouldn't hurt me
or never ever leave me.
Why did you go?
You promised me.

I should have known,
should have listened to the people that were there for me.
I gave myself to you.
I thought you were the one.

It makes me scream
makes me cry
makes my head hurt
makes me want to die.

I trusted you
I loved you
I gave you my all.
But you were there long enough to take it
and watch me fall.

I love you,
I hate you.
I need you,
I don't want you.

You used to be the sunshine
but now you are the lightning that strikes
and pains me deep in my heart.

And that's how I'm going to die
By being broken inside.

Oh look – look at that!
It’s cloudy and the skies are leaking!

Has it always been like this?

I’m trying to remember something beautiful…

But these memories
                             keep getting
                                                 washed            
  
                                                                   aw­ay


I don’t notice how drenched I am those times when I think about your eyes – I’m focusing – squinting to see something between the raindrops. I do that because I’m trying to remember why those eyes held my gaze in the first place.

Am I to always be a duck quacking for breadcrumbs?
Scarfing them down – quickly as if to free up space for the more to come.

I know there have to be more. Because I of all people deserve more. I do. I swear I do. I tell myself more is coming when I start choking on the wetness.

It's the only way to keep going - you have to trick yourself

It'll be better the next time even! Yea… yea it’ll be better –you know? ...the next time?

Because I can give it back even better... I want to give it too. I still give the little dryness I get away as soon as I get it… and I don’t expect anything back… but I do need more. As much as I try to hide it - as much as I look like I’m enjoying dancing in the rain and splashing in the puddles- I'm not

I’m always wet and cold.
I hate it so much.
I cry too much and it won’t stop leaking just like the skies.

I feel it streaking down my cheeks like raindrops on windshields. I let it run down the length of body and get caught in a pool in my belly button.

And so I laugh because I hate being cold and wet and in the rain but I’m still standing here. And the puddle in my belly button slides out and joins my teardrops – which combined with the rain make me look normal I guess…

But in reality I’m just nakedly standing there…and it's so lonely.
It’s my entire fault too – No, it is. I’m a sponge on the inside.
I soak up every bit of moisture and stay wet – while everyone else is dry.

I daydream about being dry. I look down at my reflection in the puddles at my feet and see what it would be like to be dry. Sometimes I squat down and look really closely. I’ve even gone so far as to stick my head in and open my eyes – and it feels normal.

My eyes are open and I see me … doing those special things with you – that special someone. The Nicholas Sparks’ kind of special someone. The special someone that I see myself looking back to when I’m old and wrinkly and saying, “when I was with him I didn’t even notice I was drenched...I believed I was dry”.

But then I start getting a tingling feeling in my nose when I realize “oh silly, dumb, stupid me – I know I can’t breathe underwater”. And it’s true. I can’t. But I’ll try again tomorrow. Just watch.

I could use a towel. I would love an umbrella. A hot cup of tea would soothe me nicely. But your hands… those special someone hands are who I need to receive them from. Because they are the nicest. And I deserve the nicest.

There's just one problem: I can’t reach them through the puddle…

Mama,we all go to hell.
Mama,we all go to hell.
Im writing this letter and wishing you well.
Mama,we all go to hell.
Mama, we're all gonna die
Mama, we're all gonna die
Stop asking me questions, I'd hate to see you
cry
Mama, we're all gonna die

And when we go, don't blame us, yeah
We'll let the fires just bathe us, yeah
You made us, oh so famous
We'll never let you go
And when you go don't return to me, my love

Mama, we're all full of lies
Mama, we're meant for the flies
And right now they're building a coffin your size
Mama, we're all full of lies

My love beats for you as
the drummer boy beats for war.
My hate for her
bubbles up and smothers love in
sweet promises and faux futures.
Though I am ignorant of most
feelings,
this I cannot ignore.

I hope for nothing more
than for you to slice her open
and toss her away.
Hurt her the way I have been hurt.
Glorify her body in words of hate,
carve them deep into soft skin.
Then when you're done,
and all you're anger is diminished
come back to me
and love me 'till you're finished.