She swallowed her birth control
For she has learned the hard way
That it is her responsibility
To bear the burden
Of bearing a child
While the man cums as easily as he goes
To grab a drink with his friends
While the arms that belong to the body of a woman
Cradle a baby
That cries for milk from breasts that will be drained
And a heart that will be empty
And hardened by men
Who will cum and go again.
I am an imperfect reflection of love
I crave justice for the innocent
Ones who need it most, who deserve it.
Longing to erase scars unasked for, abuse uncalled for.
I am a stubborn iron pole planted deep in the ground
unmovable in my quest for peace.
Unwavering in the wind, standing strong through storms;
I cannot be penetrated by powerful strikes.
I am numb to the ice cold and I stay cool in the heat
I fight battles in silence.
Words can be powerful mechanisms
when falling on listening ears, then again
twisted words turn hope into fear, fear of the unknown.
Can a hardened heart learn to love an enemy?
What is peace anyway if not to learn to be at peace.
I got followed yesterday,
My stalker was one of the shades;
A plain-clothes police officer
that tailed me sensibly,
But his eyes gave him away.
Too many encounters
with useless youth
had hardened his gaze.
He was too experienced.
And the shoes,
They were a dead give-away.
Still, they're onto me.
I'm watching my back but
"It's me front I'm worried about."
I'm a face, nothing more,
They're gonna eat me alive.
If I stumble,
They're gonna eat me alive."
That sinking feeling,
"Time to abandon ship."
Line Fourteen from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest by Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp)
Lines Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen and Twenty from Help I'm Alive by Metric
Line Twenty-Two from Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith by General Grievous
Things never seemed so difficult
But love is the most extreme level in life
But if you're going to break me
Don't just bend me
Do it completely so that the pain can be done with
Every time you tear me I always heal back up
The day that you want to stop trying
Thats the day you have to completely break me
Tear me into pieces
Shrivel me in to dust
You are my weakness
So you have the strength to do all of that
My weakness is strength
Passion flooding my veins
You'll never contain me
not even with chains
I'm fueled by madness
By anger and grief
Don't tell me just what I should do
I'll always be Commander in Chief
My scars they have hardened
They're my armor and shield
And now I have healed
You won't take me down
I'm playing the field
Hardened hearts drip black paint.—
even bleach couldn't soak you out
so I dyed my soul
black to hide the stain.
Hardened hearts drip black paint.
I found that out last night
when I tainted my first white shirt.
I was stuck. I was stuck in every way a person can interpret that word. My body was stif and slack at the same time. Although I knew subtly where I was, I didn't know which way to walk, which way to face my body. I stood in a hallway, strings of people flowing around me like ocean currents. My head couldn't seem to comprehend what was happening. I stood motionless, the only thing I could feel was the rising panic coursing through my veins. I couldn't hear and my vision became blurry and everything moved slow. I could hear my heart, pounding slow and slower. I realized I had exhaled completely and tried to take a breath in, an choked. I couldn't breathe. And that's when I panicked. I felt you, I felt you next to me and in that moment you meant safety. So I tried to turn to you and you must've understood because the pain was reflected back onto your face. I was choking and my lungs wouldn't open, I needed to cry and I needed to scream but I couldn't move and everything was slowly closing in. Out of the suffocating silence I could vaguely hear my name being called, over and over. Each time increasing in volume and anxiety. Suddenly the voice had hands and they were clasped around my shoulders squeezing me. I stared blindly forward, mouth slightly open, trying to find words in the abyss of my brain and willing myself to take a breath. The only thing I could see were two blue gray eyes. They were wide and sincere. I blinked and slowly opened my eyes, I thought that if I just closed my eyes again I might find some relief. The only thing that kept me here, that kept me from crashing into the soft white void that threatened to collapse around me were those two beautiful, beautiful eyes. And all of a sudden I gasped, "I can't breathe." The eyes softened for a split second of relief and hardened into a determined stare. With one magnificent crash everything that I knew and every usual human sense, plus a few, returned to me. I could feel my own weight again, and man did I feel heavy. I knew I couldn't breathe and that I was moving very fast. I could feel rough hands on my body, one on my shoulder and one on my waist, red bricks were blurred to my left and suddenly I was sitting on the floor, cross legged, confused on how I had gotten there, facing the two blue eyes. Nothing felt right, but I could breathe again, I could hear his voice and I could hear mine, I understood what I was saying and what he was saying and he was telling me he loved me and that it would be okay and please bel, please, please, please open your mouth and take another breath. He was holding my hand so tight, and brushing hair off my face and I could barely get air to my lungs but I was still breathing and he was here, right here in front of me and I was somehow still alive.
Sometimes I dream of scratching and digging viciously at his skin
As if I am trying to take back what I lost inside of him
What he tore away from me without my permission
Four years later and
I still cringe
He was so many firsts
First 4 hour phone call
First person to see me naked
Undeniably bare and fresh and perfect
My body like an untouched lump of clay
Waiting for his hands to twist, mold, and taint it
First time my body was a scale
He was so much weight
He never stopped
Especially after he would hear me utter “no”
He took away so much of me
Compromise was turning off the lights
Shutting my eyes as tight as they could go
Until it was all over
And I could breathe again
What was it that coerced him to finger me under the blanket in front of my siblings?
What was it that compelled him to ignore all of the no's?
What was it that drove him to take me upstairs to my bed while my own grandmother was just a room away and thrust himself inside of me without my consent?
What was it that made his hands cause every single centimeter of my skin to flinch?
Will I ever be forgiven for the sins I did not commit, but unintentionally created?
After it happened
My sanity seemed to be a balancing act
I felt like an old, empty museum
An eviscerated monument
Something that used to hold so much worth
Something that was now meaningless
Shortly after, denial surfaced
It took over and replaced my name
Every single minute of every single day
I was telling myself over and over and over
That it never happened
All in an attempt to make it go away
Doing everything I could to prevent myself
From ever admitting it
Doing everything in my will to forget
But failing so miserably
I called it an armed robbery
As if he could bust through my chest
Tear open my ribs
And steal everything that made my heart dance
And then nail its wings to his filthy trophy wall
For a long time after I was careless
A fallen angel
Looking for love
In the same way in which I lost it
Looking for love
In the same way in which I got to know pain and hurt intimately
It was a continuous game of innocence being lost
I was a lost and forgotten treasure
Living in a garden of destruction
Scared and fucked up and doing everything that I thought I needed
Thirsting for all of the medicine that I thought they had
I was stuck in the greatest darkness of my life
As I tried to convince myself that the men I met along the journey
Were my only light
I couldn't help but to seek safety in other people
For it was in another person that I lost all sense of my own security
I was someone who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone
There was constant bloodshed in my head and in my heart
So I did the things I did hoping I could make it all rewind
Go back to the very first day when I wasn't strong enough to get up and leave
After all of my thousands of insistent no's were intentionally ignored and thrown aside
I was disgusted with myself
Constantly putting myself down
Tearing myself apart
From the inside out and the outside in
Most days I would feel dirty (somedays I still do)
It was hard to keep praying to someone who had me on hold
When all I wanted was for someone to hold me
Or at the least,
Something to hold on to
I think back and can't help but recall
How difficult it was to breathe in public
I felt hardened
I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault
To remind me that life is suffering
And existing is a coincidence
And that I am only a witness to half of it
I suppose that intimacy is the art of licking wounds
Because it has taken me years to let anyone kiss me
with my lips chapped
and my body tense
my eyes flitting
and my heart hiding
Four years later and
I still cringe
My father is always talking about how strong I am
He is so proud of my resilience that it sometimes makes me uneasy
He loves to brag about me to other people
Saying that I am capable of anything and everything
All because of everything I have been through and all that I have overcome
But the thing is
He doesn't even know half of it
He has no idea about what happened four years ago
About what continued to happen after that day
Now that time has passed
And I have finally healed (somewhat)
There's no denying that a part of me
Will always ache and burn because of this
But I have realized that
I am not the one who is broken
The monster who did this to me
And nothing has been stolen from me
Because my body is not a castoff
And there is nothing that sits inside of me
Bearing my worth
There is no trinket that can be seen
Fucked from my stomach
Only to be left somewhere on the concrete
Or buried deep within a dumpster
And lost forever
Yes, something was seized from me
That I will never get back
But I refuse to watch myself collapse
I have heard that one in three women will be
Or sexually abused
In their lifetime
I am one of three daughters
Four years later and
I still cringe
Our world is in her death throes
Afflicted with a curse
This ailment called humanity
Vampiric in our thirst
Unceasing is our hunger
And shameful is our waste
And callous are our hardened hearts
But no one bats an eyelash
And nobody thinks twice
And no one seems to realize
How high will be the price
Our world can’t last forever
And now the end is nigh
As we, her failed custodians,
Do naught but watch her die…
Let me give you a piece of my mind.
Allow me to crack through my cranium and you can
Extract whichever lobe you find suitable to fix your mental feebleness.
Take my frontal lobe, I beg you because
Your so called conscientious thoughts
Permanently belong in the dumpster.
Your brain flies confederate flags at half mast
As a constant reminder that even if
The South doesn't rise again you can still rest
Knowing you wave ignorance blissfully in the air.
Or maybe you should have my parietal lobe.
Your manipulation of information is highly suspect.
I suspect you've placed bigotry and hostility under solid ground
Equipped with racial slurs and misogynistic remarks
Like a weapon of mass destruction hidden beneath
The foundation of a sensible society waiting
For the perfect instant to immediately destroy any hope we had left.
Then again, your occipital lobe is out of whack too.
Considering whether gray clouds paint the sky or
Royal waves reflect golden rays
All you ever see is black or white, gay or straight.
Wrong or right, hate and hate.
But your eyes fail to focus in on how we all
Lose scarlet plasma to paper cuts
Gain white hair and hardened scars
And share copper sediment six feet deep.
But what about your temporal lobe?
That needs an entirely new design.
Because it seems as though you can't process
The filth that spills out of your mouth.
Like the smell of your rotten attitude
Escapes your nostrils and pollutes the openness around you
Preventing any genuine intention the air it needs to breathe.
Your entire brain deserves an extreme internal makeover.
One where acceptance and understanding transform your neural network
Into a well-oiled machine fueled by tolerance.
Like premium petroleum with high grade sensitivity to diversity.
I want your synapses to fire positive discussions
Rather than recreate cerebric tyranny.
I want your gray matter to mind its manners
To render exceptional positions
So your point of view refuses to point fingers.
I want your prejudices pressure washed so far down
Your head's highway that they resort to becoming full-time pedestrians.
I want your ability to communicate eliminated unless
You annihilate the venom from your vocabulary.
I want your brain to take a permanent vacation
So your intellectual veins can get some sunlight.
But pardon me, how rude am I?
Please tell me one more time
How your mindset is more preferable than mine.