the spiders came,
and the blue and gold walls painted over.
I lost some weight,
I was asked about it at your wake,
but I felt like
I was
sleeping.
Cold he was,
and quickly he left
So I turned to cold cans of soup in the pantry.
Cold cans of soup
and
patting my dog
That was about it.
And sometimes the central heating would disturb the silence
and sometimes it would make me feel sick to my stomach
But I know one thing,
and that's
that
Happiness in suburban houses never lasts.
Sunshine, summer, parents, first loves
They are fantasies thought up in the grass.
I love you, he murmured
Why did she die? I pleaded.
The air was warm
like summer
but we lay in the dark.
i will always associate back flips
with my first "boyfriend" in the third
grade who has probably now grown
up to be the type of guy who takes
pictures of himself shirtless in the bathroom
mirror and tells his girlfriend that she's pretty
but not quite as pretty as he is.
i will always associate playgrounds
with my elementary school sweetheart
and hearing my favorite love song and
him walking five steps behind and defending
me when he thought i needed it.
i will always associate the rain
with wet tables and standing up
and laughing with friends and talking
and being wrapped in someone's arms
for the very first time and hearing "i missed you."
i will always associate "almosts" with the guy
i never really realized i wanted until it was too late
and seeing him walk around holding the hand of the
girl who wanted him when i didn't and seeing him kiss
her the way he wanted to kiss me once upon a time
and with screwing up really really irreparably bad this time.
i will always associate short time periods with the two weeks
when i belonged to someone I never expected to want,
when he kissed me like i mattered,
when he held me as though he would never let go
and then told me we should "take a break" and
come back to us when the "time was right."
and i will always associate happiness with these times
when i was loved and wanted and needed for just a little while
and believing for just a moment that i was special.
and you know what else?
i will always associate failure with the entrance of something better
i will associate failure with a narrow escape because if it were meant
for me to have then i would have had it but it's not so i don't.
i will always associate life with beautiful complications.
Here comes the devil, breathing down my neck.
He makes life hard and he makes me sweat.
Taunts me all day, tortures me all night.
I can't live like this, I hate life.
I could be happy and I would smile.
If he'd just let me breathe, just for a little while.
But he wont, he'd rather just tear me apart.
Some creatures don't have hearts.
Happiness and love are now missing.
And if you be quiet you'll notice he's listening.
I've seen the devil and I believe
I was damned on the day I was conceived.
On a dead dull night
When the moon goes hiding
And the barn owl hoots for its love
The fireflies romance the darkness.
The glowing beads dance to celebrate
The nights of long past buried for good
With the treasures of lost happiness,
Wind sings a dirge for transience.
Why can't I smile?
A true
Sincere smile?
Everyone else can?
So why can't I?
Maybe it's because my smile is crooked
Like my life
Bending in one direction
Simply screwing up something
that should portray happiness
So, why can't I smile
while everyone else can?
I think that some of those smiles
are fake
and laced with grimaces
saying "cheese"
but sorry
I'm lactose intolerant
i want to stay in your pocket
for forever and a day.
til the world is spent,
the sun’s gone away.
i want to stay in your pocket,
for forever and a day.
til the earth stops turning
and the skies go gray.
pull me out like a mouse
who’s become your best friend,
show me the world in your eyes.
talk to me late at night,
when you just can’t sleep,
let me listen
to all your dreams.
when the sun is veiled.
the moon’s in a shroud.
the wind’s whistling around your ears.
let me sing you to sleep
til the rain’s ceased her beat
and the sapphire sky’s returned.
on the day you feel abandoned,
your courage seems to fail you,
the ideas your hand wrought come to nil.
let me sit upon your shoulder,
whisper to heaven, over and over,
the words your soul’s too full to speak.
when i’ve stayed in your pocket
for forever and a day,
and when the world’s been spent
and the sun’s gone away,
when the earth’s stopped turning
and the skies gone gray,
when Fortune’s lovely face
has smiled upon your pain,
the rainbow’s end has lighted on your scars,
then my work here is finished
my happiness complete.
i’ve stayed in your pocket
for forever and a day
Poem to a Friend
Dear Friend,
I'm lost. No I’m not, but I’m clueless and facing huge decisions. My heart is in one direction by common sense tells me another. Does money outweigh artistic freedom? What defines happiness? Where am I going? Do I need to decide now?
I'm not looking for guidance, merely an ear. Life is staring at me. I want to ask for help but I know I'm a hell of a lot better than that. I know I'm stronger than that.
But I like to think back and reflect, it's cool man, thinking of my childhood. When I was younger it didn't matter. None of that shit mattered and that made life so easy. A job meant dressing up as a fireman and laughing- not a 9-5. What is a 9-5? Am I ready?
Time will tell.
I'm going away soon. Life matters. Life is hard.
I'm not depressed. I'm not dying. I have just been hit in the face by reality.
The best part is, I'm man enough to have a strong right hook to throw back.
Look out world, look out strangers, look out mystery, I'm here; and I'm excited.
Yours Truly.
Don't judge me for it,
But I think I'll have a piece of cake tonight.
Because whether I'm celebrating happiness or giving in to stress,
(Or maybe both, my emotions get pretty bipolar sometimes)
This cut of sugar comforts me.
And at the moment the sweetness and cheer alluded to me by this pastry
Is all that I need to stay sane sometimes.
A lot of people hate me because I like you
Because somehow we ended up together
It comes to a surprise because I never imagined it to be you
I write poetry about you and all my thoughts seem to be about you
Im a sad girl and you might not even know it
because im the type of girl to not even show it
there are so many rumors about me
about what people think about me
but I would never want you to judge
but that's too late
but this is life and this is me
and we have to be real
what is a girl without a past
and no one in my school will ever understand the like I have for you
I used to hate it when people bought you up to me and I had to pretend I didn't know you
I had to hide myself for you
you kept me in the dark
and I hated that
I told myself I would wait for you no matter how long it took because my heart was set on you
and I know sometimes I can be difficult and I don't express myself too often or at all
but I have about a million poems about you that go in my head
Ill admit I was tired of being a secret and my feelings were slowly washing away
and I felt my happiness go with my lost feelings
but then you no longer hid me
I was out there
and I felt so good
I felt amazing
and my feelings grew back ten times stronger for you
and it was unusual for me to have everyones eyes on us and to have people talk down on us
but I got used to it and Id rather have people judge me while im with you than to have people judge me without you
and soon your kisses for me became more addicting and I felt like I could hug you and be happy about it
and that one time
oh my god that one time
I wont even talk about it on here
but I loved it
even if it didn't happen in the best way possible
and I opened everything up for you that day
and I cried because I only did it for you
no one else
and then days passed by and I caught myself missing you
I caught myself fantasizing about you
because no matter what position you were put in
you chose me
and no one will ever understand that
and there are some broken hearts out there
but I had a broken heart when you and I first started talking
a broken heart about my thoughts, me hurting myself and my family
and you patched my heart back up
and I don't think you know that
because to you this might be nothing right now
it just started and not too much happened
so its probably nothing
but you are everything to me
and id do anything for you
you helped me and you don't even know it.
you might have broke me down a few times
but at the end of the day youre mines
and this is what I wanted for the longest
and now I have it
and I feel amazing
you are the best to me
I am in like with you.
May25.
I once knew a girl who thought death
was easier than living a mess of a life.
Her family was stained with meth,
but I told her she had to put down the knife.
She said she had no purpose, no reason
but I pointed out to her the small, pretty things
and told her emotions and feelings changed like seasons,
and happiness would come with the summer the world brings.
She believed me and started to change her ways.
She was so gorgeous when she smiled.
I could press my lips against hers for days.
She was perfect to me, my wonder child.
The girl I once knew was dead, like she wanted.
Rest in peace, she was sadder than she needed to be.
Now with a smile and happy eyes that were once haunted,
I knew this girl had to know what she meant to me.
So I told her I loved her through a text, even though
I wanted to say it in person so I could see the look on her face.
It would have been one of those smiles I love, I know.
And since then I know we've both found our place
Right by each others' sides where our smiles are the brightest.
That's where we belonged, we couldn't fight this.
I was whole when I surrendered to her with a kiss.
I finally learned the definition of eternal bliss.
-qtsp- 6/14
