Couldn’t sleep well last night,
Decided to ride to Aylesworth Forest
My favourite place
Two miles from my Barkshire home
I needed to be alone
what I wanted to do...
What I wanted to be...
In this peaceful and beautiful land
Of oak trees , flowers and wild plants
Perhaps by thinking deep under a tree
I may find the answers...

Brought my lunch, a picnic alone...
I met a team of gardeners on my way here
Cutting grass and old branches of trees
For a second I thought,
I would want to be gardener too...
Plant tulips and colorful flowers on a flowerbed
Its cool to stay outside all day and watch things grow...
Hey... I don’t need to be so clever at school too!

Here it is... my hiding place ... the forest
The chirping of the birds on the trees
Grey squirrels chasing one another and
Once I even saw a fox too...

But today I am alarmed to discover
This forest has been invaded by strangers
Braved myself I approached the men
Who claimed to be land surveyors
I am devastated now , upon this knowledge
My precious forest is to be turned into a concrete jungle

Trees will be cut down in two weeks time
Blocks of Flat houses will replace my oak trees and wild plants
I feel even depressed now..
This isn't fair!
Where will the animals go?
I lost my appetite for lunch
I must save this forest! I must do something!
This problem is even bigger than mine...
Slowly I turned and walked away...

I saw you driving in your car today,
I know it's been hard for me to say goodbye,
But it was good to see your beautiful face,
I also want you to know I'm finally moving on.
You muttered something under your breath,
But I couldn't read your face.
Please learn to forgive me,
and let go of any hate.
I wish you the best.
I wish you so many things.
I'm sorry I was so hurt.
And spoiled precious memories with a tainted taste.
I will always cherish all the memories you gave.
You were selfless for so long,
And put off searching for your fate.
Time passes and things get easier to say.
I'm understanding better,
All the reasons you couldn't stay.
Happiness will be found,
In stars, in streets,
In rain, and beach.
You'll find love again and again,
And you'll be stronger every time.
Waking every morning,
With your future on your mind.
I hope pleasures come,
Enough to make you scream.
I hope your energy will come,
Enough to make you dream.
I'm excited to see what women you'll grow to be.
Now, tomorrow, in 20 to 50 years.
I want to know how the lines on your face grow old,
After the things that they will bare.
I am excited to hear of exciting news,
Coming from your wonderful world.
You're ready for it all.
You're taking it all in.
You're better off,
then you've ever been.
I want to know what men you marry.
If they should work or fade.
I want to see pictures of your children,
When you have them oneday.
I've said and done things that I regret.
Please forgive me on your own time.
So that I can be a part of your life again.
I was blinded by pain, by misery, and by anger.
This is the one month aniversary of the day that you left.
I called you names, I lied, and howled.
I grew crazy by so many thoughts.
I needed time, and still need time.
To calm myself and thoughts.
We talked about taking time,
Waiting to move.
I took that as a promise.
I know that I was wrong.
You're body is yours.
It's none of my business,
and will never be again.
I just need to drop it.
Forgive myself for those sins.
I love you, and part of me always will.
You're so much further ahead of me,
Dealing with how this marriage ended.
I'm trying to recover.
I'm sorry I couldn't do it quicker.

is it just me or do I get worse and worse.

Baby, angel, I have begun
growing chamomile on the left side of my mattress:
you left it warm enough to grow something
as impossible as weeds. And I know
I am preferable to the sun
at least to you, but what about the moon? There is just
something about luna, the moon, lune.
Sometimes I want to talk to it the way I would
you: moon, oh my stars,
I did not believe in naturalism until I believed in you.
Baby, angel, we are only embers
of what we once were. I heat us up as tea
and grow herbs where you once would breathe.
Warding off bumblebees by
taking their stingers into my paw, the air can hurt us.

sometimes i wish i was alone.
completely and utterly alone.
i wish i didn't have to worry about anyone or anything.
i want to be in charge of my own life.
as awful as it might sound i dont want to have a family.
i want to do what i want, when i want.
it seems nice, ya know?
not having to worry or fend for anyone but yourself?
no need to worry about grades because your parents wont yell at you.
i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted.
i have this dumb fantasy...
that one day i will be in a cafe, snow falling outside.
i would be sitting at a little table, drinking a cup of tea, reading a book.
and a cute boy will come up to me and we would just start talking.
no worries, no family, just us, no one else.
i know, its dumb, but its just my mind.
i guess id like to imagine that if i didn't have a family i could do all of this.
its just that sometimes the people we really love are the ones who hold us back the most.
and im tired of being held back, im tired of living my ordinary life.
i hate watching these tv shows because it makes me sad.
all of these people have such interesting lives.
being bit by a wolf, dating someone who your parents disapprove of, going off to magical lands where you never grow up, shrinking to the size of a mouse, fighting bad guys and saving mankind...  
it just seems like a live a normal life.
nothing ever happens and i feel like its because of my family.
they hold me back and prevent me from having fun, or seeking out adventure.
i want to live the life i want to live.
so im going to do dumb things, make mistakes, read, write, drink, go to parties and live my life. because im sick of people telling my how to live my life.

The words want to flow
But, so many poems in a row
I made a promise, not only to you
But, to myself
The subject matter at hand
I'll only say what I can
So that I can grow
The words cannot flow.

he is well aware others don't approve
& he only hides it because of this
it certainly doesn't affect him
I've seen
in the empty, greedy eyes
the proud look
of what his old plaything
grew up
  --oh, did she ever grow up--
to be
checking me out
when he thinks
I can't see
& sometimes
when he knows
I can.

I imagine
your nightgown limps sadly against your trotting legs
The light becomes
choppy
Trapped between your gowns effortless sway
piouretting from
room to window
towards the moon
back to bed
where
snowflake kissed sheets grow
unbearably cold underneath the night sky's icy breath
Close the window
"Dont, pelase, don't..."
shivering,
The gown
a peek-a-boo
into skin that can't form goosebumps any more
peachy silk coating
flowers
stay still
plastered smiles across all of those
good God fearing faces
A fabric
Unfitting
for a mind so
chaotic and chemically smeared
In a funk,
a different time,
a different place

I've removed myself from the watches' ruthless reign
I'm a glazed donut
that look in your eye,
Where does it end?
a black pit,
a bottomless barrel
some
puny animal shot down in the middle of the woods
eyelids dry like pork rinds
Perfect loops decorate the top of your cut thighs

"Who's here to pet my hair?"
my hair,
as shallow as the shore's waves
unlike the deadly tsunami festering underneath it
Pet my arm.
Graze it with your soothing fingertips
Warm sparks fly madly
dancing atop
a cold log
deadwood that never made it past the beaches of your boundless regret
"I didn't realize it'd grow this quickly...
when I,
mentally shoved the flames of my disease inside of my mouth."
"I thought it'd...burn out."
"The pit of my stomach now filled with the flashing signs of panic and
puke"
All across the side of your bed
spines don't fall into any more
a dark room
"Who's here to make the noise to fill the empty caverns of my bustling brain?"
A dark room
Words fall into it
Stumbling across the bumps of your
nauseating hips
"Who's here to scream back?'
Laughter sounds so far away when I'm here in my timeless prison
Sun creeps out of the curtains
light falls like broken piano keys into you
mucous made mask
and puke

I couldn't find God today
and the Devil was swimming my cereal bowl

I still see you
caverns of my mind
still flood with ideas of you
and snippets of conversation
we never finished

It's our shoes walking together
on a sidewalk in some nameless city
It's a single sushi meal we shared
It's how your profile looked in my car
during sunset hour
when we were driving back on the 101
it's an
incoherent
transparent
snake of memories
that don't make sense to me
any more

It slithers and shits
rolls of my life's film
into my brain's projector
and they play incessantly
every night
before I sleep

How sad

I brush it off
and resume tossing side to side
I'll cry
but only a few tears ever come out
I'm a volcano that will never erupt
I'm
dried up
out of steam
No ones
scared or concerned about me
any longer

Let me sink underneath the Earth
Into the ocean's depths
Where I can be forgotten about for good

A volcano without any lava left, huh?
How stupid

Then I met a few others like you
A coffee shared
The memory of how your eyes looked when you came
even the sound of you
peeing the next morning rings in my ears
and it plays
like a broken record
a sad mix tape some lonely pervert made in their mother's basement
while they sit in their self-made
prisons
sulking over
the  blonde, blue-eyed girls who shunned them
with their bug eyes
popping out of their fleshy shells
piercing their dream maidens
and
"Jesus Christ you're disgusting, ew, ew like bed bugs all over my body, go to Hell you worthless creep"
and they dream and fantasize over the happiness that they perpetually plant
and try to grow
and it's never a flower
it's only weeds on the side of a garden shed
No one's even bothers to pull

How sad

It's there like clockwork
Like when my heart races in the shower
The hot water makes my body tired
I think
"this is when I'll give up"
My body becomes seduced into a hypnotic trance
I can't seem to fight the
Warm blanket of water
that covers me

It'll end on this note.
I'll die.
Face down and
butt naked
Legs
hanging outside of the bathtub wall
In that last moment of life,
I'll probably be thinking of
when we made love here
Or how you
missed the green light when we
were driving back from getting donuts
because you were too buys gazing at me instead of the road

We looked at all the stars and you knew what they all meant
You kissed me
and told me
what each of their purposes were
You told me
which star to look at if I ever
found myself lost
We soon crawl into your bed
and I try to find the star to help me get out of your covers
Toes crossed together
Faces pressed into one another's

My heart begins to race
Like clockwork
Fingers digging into each others backs
Hypnotic warmth
Oh God
I whisper
I'm lulled
I've become your bodies hostage
I try to resist
One of my eyeballs manages to peak outside of your window
The star to help me find my way out is gone

The plot of this moment fades away as quickly as it was written
Soon,
all I can remember is your back
in the dark
moving
up and down
Your
savage grunting
becomes the soundtrack of the snake's nightly dropping

I look for that star every night
The silver of silver light trickling down your spine
up and down
the bed creaks
My hear aches
Beads of sweat
Erupt from your skin
Under the moon's picturesque glimmer
When the snake finally leaves,
I look outside of my window
Searching

I never find that guiding star

How stupid

Like clockwork,

How sad