I wrote this a few months ago on a flight across the country. Not my best, but it healed me a bit
Thinking about you doesn't get any easier and even at 30,000 feet in the air the feeling you left with me somehow manages to suffocate me, through twenty different layers of clouds and pressurized cabins. The lady sitting next to me has a sad look in her eyes. Maybe she is suffering through some kind of heartbreak herself, just like me. She orders her coffee black. I want to reach out to her and hold her hand, but it's probably too cold, and she might jerk away from my touch, the same way you did that day when you left. She smells like cheap perfume and the lies of lovers she has tried too hard to forget.
I wonder about jumping right out this plane right now. I wonder if I'd land with a splat and if a nice young man would arrive with a broom and pan, sweep me up, and discard me into the nearest trash can, like they do in the carnivals. Would I regret it the moment my feet left the edge of the plane? Would I get the same feeling in my stomach on the way down as I did when we were together? I think I'd only jump if I were holding your hand.
I wrote “I miss you” in a too big sharpie across the front of my notebook on Tuesday. Colored it in blue because there’s not enough green to feel much else when you're not around. Two hours to go and my entire life is falling down around me. (Leave me be leave me be leave me be.) I want to be the space that water fills between your toes and hidden among the things that keeps your rusty heart beating. But I can't be the oil that makes your wheels keep spinning. At best I'm the hot hot steam that keeps your hands from burning and bleeding. You don't want me and you never fell in love with me. You fell in love with words I learned to recite and looks I knew when to give and this carcinogenic smile.
Apologies don't sound as true as they should and I never really say what I mean. I'm just as fucked up as you. And these are words carved into walls of abandoned asylums and painted on canvases with blood in lieu of paint and this is the only way I know how to say that I know what you're going through and what you've been through and how sorry I am that I can't be everything you expected of me.
You got out of work at eleven and I was there waiting for you.
Leaning against your car with my arms crossed,
hiding in the shadow of the security camera because no one
should have to see us like this before I made my peace or before
you tried to stop me.
You sauntered over with your hair fixed and your face black
from the powdered metal dust that stuck to your skin while you were doodling
on a notepad waiting for the tumbler to shut up and give you new parts
to start the process.
I've waited and waited for my parts to have back from you after you took them.
To start the process.
To be fine
With your hands in your pockets you angrily backhanded a reply to my fainted "hi"
above the noise of other workers clocking out their time cards,
punch in and punch out
"What are you doing here?"
I didn't think it needed an answer.
But since you questioned and since I've been silently mad for days and since
I'm almost to the breaking point I said something
that I can't remember in this late night, confused memory,
you don't answer my calls and won't look at me and won't talk to me
just keep pushing past and past my presence in your life when you're looking
and in your mind when you're not,
I put myself here.
I put myself where you'd have to see me just so you could tell me
why it is you loved so deeply and left so quickly.
Then my eyes went hazy and my mouth fell sideways as you told me
something I expected to hear that still shocked my soul
because a large part of me that I don't like to admit
was still hoping for the answer I'd been praying for
or the realization of an epiphany you've had over loving me
as only a memory and wishing you could have it that real again.
But you clocked me-
punch in and punch out.
You used me to heal the bad stuff and then parted when you were done.
Parted and left me when you had what you needed
to get through another stubborn year of acting like you love me
but lying because you never really did.
I got in my car and waited at the factory red light
until it turned green and drove the opposite way you were leaving.
I watched the two headlights as they blurred themselves into direction.
I watched you and I knew that I had nothing to come back to.
Just empty words to be said and a desperate attempt
to get back what I thought I had again.
You can sit and watch grass grow,
Drop seeds and reap what you sow,
Get dirt on your hands, you know?
Wait and see what mystery winged things
Observe their dance, how they see to clean
Absorb the flight and the strut and the peck and
the song it sings.
You can walk the dog a good long ways,
Run with ear buds for the endurance phase,
Remember either way get out and go play.
Listen carefully, take care of you, only you know how,
No one else really can, not even your lover or friend, wow,
Free yourself, find peace, seek as much blue and green, Allow:
A Time for Love;
To Express Joy;
A Life in Peace;
Doctoring your Patience;
Delivery of all with Kindness;
In the realm of Gentleness;
Wear a Patch for Self-Control;
Start with time to watch birds
Let me tell you about a place
where adults can come to play
It's an adult Disneyland of sorts
and there's no end to the day.
The fields are lined with vendors
providing meditation spots for free
I even found a tied died Jesus
twice in one day to save me.
I slid on rainbow water slides
rode a multicolored ferris wheel
I surveyed miles and miles of wonder
flying high on a pink seat of steel.
There's a strong sense of community
that serves one communal mean
to convey one's self expression
though art and sustaining green.
Sandalwood swirls through the air
and joins music's pleasing taste
That fuels the hungry thousands
to dance in an ecstasy filled haze.
Camps proudly fly their country's flag
and speak one universal truth
That art and music hold the key
Sad road trip home........
See you in '14
The slow serpentine hop became circles
rapidly by two rabbits chasing, dressed in
their light brown summer fur camisoles,
territory owned was defended by a win,
give up ground was to give up food and
the right to eat there to your fill, on demand.
Shadows played tricks
thorny hedgerow caused
pricks in the skin, drawing
blood, as the chase
went outside a steel
wire fence, into where the
warren was, and
ready in wait too.
Some days nobody wins,
over some green greed.
I knew from the moment you told me how beautiful
you thought I was,
that it would last only as long
as the twinkling of a far away star.
Not even long enough for me to to remember to say hello.
Five A.M. became a habit
and we danced to the songs of chirping birds.
I let you hold me even though I knew
your arms craved a different cold body.
Those long nights outside the church that weren't
That cute lisp and curly hair.
Those shivering arms and basketball shorts.
The adorable shyness and humility.
Walk me to my gate one more time.
I should have let you come over that one night.
Hot and sweaty, 2 a.m.,
to sneak in and use my shower.
Fill the room with sticky heat
and let the steam rise out as you exit the shower.
(You can still take me up on that offer.)
Cause I miss the way you tell me I don't smell like smoke
and how you listened to me explain
the theory behind the elder wand,
like you actually cared.
You spelled it wrong.
I. I. I.
Your jacket smelled like heaven draped over my legs and
I wanted to live inside the threads.
Walking so far just to listen to me ramble on.
Was it worth it? Ever.
Even after running back to her?
One. One. Only one week
that I was temporarily in love.
Tiger's Blood snow cones with cream on top
and you've never been to a concert so run to Salt Lake with me.
You do like to run, don't you?
Run from your mom. Run from your friends.
Run from feelings.
Run from her.
and Run to her at the same time.
But don't you miss laying in the street at three in the morning?
Or shaking the hand of the copper man?
and watching the summary of my obsession
on my short green couch?
and holding me?
Even though it lasted a week,
a perfect week,
it's time to disappear.
Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
caught a slug from the green bullet
as blood vessels rush to the surface
of tired eyeballs
which sit atop
a mountain of wrinkly black trash bags
he coughs up everything but his blood
blood which visits every organ
every hiding place
bringing the body quaking
rips of sad clown laughter
tearing through strained necks
the monologue is off the leash
echoing down hallway after hallway
finding an empty abandoned room
to hole up in and wait for respite
the green bullet
which he loaded himself
I was the girl from the woods,
The one that didn't hide under a hood.
I saw his face, the boy with no fairy,
When his came to him, he was so merry.
But I knew that he was bound to something besides me,
I knew that as soon as I saw him head to The Great Deku Tree.
Before I knew it, he was crossing that bridge,
I knew that we would be forever seperated by that ridge.
When he left I tried so hard to forget,
My feelings towards him, and that we never met.
But he found me one day, in my place of peace,
He had a sword and a Hylian shield, He wore dark green fleece.
We played our ocarinas, and made our own song,
We could call each other if anything went wrong, and it kept me strong.
7 years passed.. he became the hero he was ment to be,
And it was on that day that he forgot about me.
He stood there with Princess Zelda, they gazed into each others eyes,
Everytime I think of it, apart of me dies.
I've spent nights trying to forget my feelings,
But all I can see is my tree trunk ceiling.
You deserve Zelda over me,
There can't be three.
I want you to be happy with Zelda, this is my choice,
If thats the thing that will make you rejoice.
I will be waiting, and maybe someday we will be,
My name is Saria.. Please Link.. don't forget about me.
We lived on a floating island in the sky,
Our loftwings flying so very high.
We would sit and watch them,
You would play your harp, and I would hold my gem.
We were together the day you fell from above,
That was the day I wanted to profess my love.
It was a long night, for my thoughts were on you,
But it was on that night that my destiny came too.
Fi, was my new companion,
We became a team.
I got on my loftwing,
And we were out on our quest.
I fell through the thick sea of cloud,
I landed on hard ground and felt proud.
I chased you through earth, fire, desert, and time,
It was all just a big test. We both knew we had to face that pest.
You were the reincarnated goddess, hailed by the people of the land,
I was your hero, the one who took a stand.
Together we slayed Demise,
Curing the land of his rage and evil disease.
We sat there as we both gave them up,
Our companions vanished as we said our goodbyes.
After all we went through, in the end we held hands,
As we gazed upon these new and promising lands.
From the depths of the earth, up to the city in the sky,
I promised you I would be your guy.
Me in green, and you in white.
Forever I promise I'll be your shining knight.
To you my girl in white,
To you Zelda, my shining light.
I put on my best:
A metal vest.
Is the only thing I hear as of late.
Touch feels like fire.
And I am nothing but a cheap liar.
Put your best tricks on the table
I'll ignore my suspicion if I am able.
Mom was never mom.
Weakness was never weakness.
You were never you.
And we argue, is it green or is it blue?