Last night I dreamt,
that I was in the house of my chilhood.
It was stormy outside, like a hurricane.
I was looking everywhere for you- I think it was the apocalypse.
Then I recieved something in the mail, a package
and it was from you.
There was a ring inside the box.
The ring was also a walkie talkie, and you had one too.
As soon as I saw what was in the box, I looked up and you were there.
You began showing me how to use it, then
all of a sudden,
there were people everywhere
in all the rooms
all around us.
It became difficult to stay close to you, so we used our talkie rings.
I found you and the storm got worse.
Everyone around was shouting and you kissed me.
It was a really good kiss
and you didn't stop.
Then, I woke up, and I think for a split second I thought you were in bed next to me.
Today the clouds are grey
but there is no storm.
Your heaven has failed me
On the days when I felt loading up the dish washer was a
Personal assault on my psyche
Your god has-
Run me over with his fists too many times
And made me believe it was paternal pat’s on the back
Pain I was feeling,
You carry the gravel in your teeth
To make sure its full of grit,
When you speak,
“you’re full of shit”
You say im just weak for the things
That have made me unholy.
I am weak for the things that have unbroken me.
These words are shrapnel
You let them sink into our skin there is no more dirt to chew
I will spend my last moments
Holding onto the fucking noose
I’m going down swinging
And if that means I’ll hang
So be it
There are worst ways to die
Because I’ve died before
Nothing special happens. Ya’ll can stop dreaming.
Kindness isn’t supposed to taste so bitter
Isn’t supposed to hurt so much
Never knew how much the night sky despised the daylight
Until you moved to a country where it gets longer every year
You never knew how kind
The sun was to your skin-
Ive got tan lines where my noose used to swing
It took me three years to untie myself
And I still have scars
Whether they will be there or not in a few more years
I guess ill stick around and see just
How much ive
Prosthetic monster men playing heavy rock
A laderhosened Austrian gives his squeeze box all he's got
Desperation dance routines, too hard they always try
Wailing divas, rigid smiles,
Do we laugh or cry
A Fin from the back woods plays a fiddle fast
Our song is pretty good but still we might come last
Hello Bratislava, hello Tallin, hello everyone
Votes are cast for friends as the evening never ends
At last we have a worthy winner, well done indeed to you
But with too many 'nul points'
Once more we meet our Waterloo
For those who are unfamiliar with it, all the different countries in Europe enter a new song, and we all vote for our favourite at the end. Many are awful, some comically so, and occasionally they are good.
Abba first came to international fame with their entry 'Waterloo' many moons ago.
Late afternoon walks with mommy around the neighborhood
We picked flowers that smelled good too.
Breakfast in bed for mommy on mothers day
Don't spill any syrup or you'll have to pay
Home cooked meals once a week
Mommy's stressed and doesn't want to eat
Brother and sister are tall and skinny
They got mommy's genes. Not me
Mommy's head is hurting
Please be quiet, she is sleeping
Mommy loves her kids very much
But can't she see my life is rough
Mommy where were you when I needed you the most
Oh well I'll go drown myself or hang myself from this noose.
But it's good to know you loved me too.
I knew you were damaged and broken
But I never knew how much
You hid it so well at times
This thing with us was new
I couldn't tell at first how hurt you were
There came a day
When we went on this special date
You surprised me
By taking me out to the country
Setting up a beautiful scene
In front of a mountain view
Under the stars
For a while, all was fine and normal
Then, tears started out of your eyes
You became so angry
Before I knew it, I was on the ground
Shellshock and dumbfound
Part of me wanted to get up and fight
The other part knew you never meant to
My face already feeling the ramifications of the attack
When you saw what you had done
I had never seen such horror before
Your eyes so wide
Kneeling down and tenderly grabbing my face
Punctuating each with I'm sorry
Trying to console and reassure you
It was alright
But we both knew it wasn't alight or okay
You needed healing
When I got home
Making you sure you were gone
Before I went in alone
Trying to hide the injury under my hat
Run to my room as fast as I could
Without looking stupid
He was coming down the hall
Asking how things went
I replied then went on
But he could tell; he could see things weren't okay with me
He blocked my way
Then gently lifted my hat
Much similar to your reaction, he responded with horror
Wide eyes, confusion and then realization
Anger came right after that
I knew he was going kill you
Putting my hands on his chest
Blocking his forward passage
Telling him the situation
Almost yelling at him
There were things he didn't know
That I did and understood
Then the door bell rang
Suddenly, desperation was replaced with horror
I knew exactly who it was
……And so did he
The hallway seemed to sway with the motion of the tears filling my eyes. I tried to keep going to get to the door, but I collapsed there in the hall. The weight crashing down on me. She was dead. My only love was dead. I’d been with her for six years and we’d been waiting to get married. That was all over now. They had killed her. I laid my head in my hands and let it all go. I fell spiraling down into the darkness at the edge of my consciousness. My very last thoughts echoing in my head as I slipped into this grief coma, they would all pay, they would pay.
The clock on the wall ticked loudly as I made my way to Mr. Jefferson’s office. The hallways were empty, an unusual thing for a Monday morning in a business firm. I tried not to let it get in my head. I had a job to fulfill. If I didn't get this one right the boss would surely wring my neck. She wasn't the most understanding person, and tolerated no mistakes. A dark cherry wood door lay at the end of the long hallway with a silver plate spelling out Mr. Jefferson’s office. All the other doors I had passed had, had similar ones.
I knocked on the door quietly waiting for an invitation inside. I took a deep breath and steady myself. Telling myself I had to do this. There was still no beckoning to come in so I knocked louder, but was only greeted by silence. I opened the door quickly and peered in. Mr. Jefferson laid slumped over his paper work in the messy piles on his desk.
A bullet through his head. Well this was just great now the boss had another reason to chew me out. I closed the door quietly and made my way to the body. Blood spilled from the back of his head and off his shoulders dripping into the puddle on the floor. I took my phone from my pants pocket and called Leo.
“Hey, Leo we got a problem, Jefferson’s already dead. They’re a step ahead of us. What’s my next move?” the line was silent for a minute until he replied, “what was the cause of death?” I looked at the back of Jefferson’s head one more time to make sure that was no other abrasions. “Bullet wound in the back of his head, no sign of struggle either.”
“Alright, I’ll inform the boss. You should probably make your way back to the headquarters. I can tell you now the boss isn't going to be happy.” I sighed I already new that. The bitch had been riding my ass all month now. It wouldn't hurt her to give us all a break once in a while. I closed my phone. I made my way out the door. No doubt someone else would find Jefferson and would immediately go for the video tapes.
Luckily I didn't come here alone, I brought my computer genius along, that could erase us from every tape and cover his tracks. I gave a polite smile to each person I passed and had to fight to walk calm and smoothly out the front doors. Brain already waited inside the car looking anxious. We were both fairly new to the working in the field. Usually the boss assigned me on small assignments. I got inside the drivers side and pulled out right away. “Jefferson was already dead when I got there, bullet wound to the back of the head, what I don’t understand is how no one heard it, or why he didn't struggle,” I told Brian. “Maybe a silencer on the gun? And perhaps his lack of struggle was because there was a gun pointed at his head?” I thought it over. It was possible but that was different from all the others. “They usually cover their tracks better than that though,” I looked over at Brain whose face was crinkled by his deep thoughts. “Maybe they were in a rush?” The wound had looked freshly made. “Perhaps,” I said still mulling it over. “I suppose we’ll just have to wait for the police reports.”
As I had figured Liana was furious. “How is it that four out of seven of the people I've told you to get information from then take out have ended up already dead when you got there?” She spit angrily in my face. Liana was a scary lady but she didn't scare me.
“I don’t know you tell me,” I said and smiled at her. I could feel the audience behind me stop what they were doing and cringe. “Do you think this is funny?” Liana said quietly.
Her face had gone rigid and her fist clenched so tightly at her sides, the knuckles had turned a ghostly white.
I knew which battles to fight and which to surrender. “No, nothing is funny,” I spat out clenching my jaw. I really hated this stupid job. If it wasn't for Liana keeping my brother alive I wouldn't be here. And just as I thought it Liana cheerfully reminded me, “do remember darling, your brothers life lies in my hands. One wrong move and it’s bye bye brother, understood?” Her dark eye’s drilling into mine. The feeling of hatred seeped from my body as it was overflowing inside me now. “Understood,” I growled.
“Good, now get out. I’ll call you when I have your next assignment.” She turned but stopped to look back,
“ and next time do not mess up,” then walked back into her office slamming the door.
I let the breath I had been holding out and left quickly before they all burned holes into me with their heavy glares. I made my way to Kyle’s room. The walls were painted dark blue with small silver stars painted all over. I had painted it for him, he loved the stars. “Kyle?” I said shakily looking down at the boy. His tiny body shaking in pain. He wouldn't eat. The vomiting broke his bones sometimes. His bones stuck through his skin like his skin had only been draped over his frail bones. The tears flowed from my eye’s and down my face. He was only fifteen.
He was so sick, I just wanted him to be okay. Healthy again. The reason I’d signed up to join this place was because they promised to save him. They said as soon as I finished the biggest assignment they would heal him. But I grew more and more doubtful.
Kyle had been infected, by the scientist. A super parasite they’d created. It caused brain disorders, like anorexia. Kyle’s brain was being attacked making him suicidal and making him believe he was anorexic. Making him believe he had to do these things. When it first started he was only depressed. He began cutting himself. When I saw the deep cuts in his arms and on his stomach I asked him about it and his answer had been, “I didn't want to do I just had to“ . At the time I’d misunderstood him.
Now I knew. He literally had been forced by the parasites inside his brain.
His eye’s were closed and I could see the struggle it took for him to intake each breath. His arms, thin ropes, laid at his side. It took a massive amount of energy and strength for him to even turn his head. “I will fix this Kyle, believe in me when I tell you that, I love you.” I kissed his cold forehead and left shutting the door slowly.
My heart is grown wide caring for so many
Yet torn apart
Blinded by lies they told cause it sounded so sweet like honey
Chocolate coated I didn't notice so naive that , it must be funny
Never really cared never really shared
Kept to myself , cold as ice but to everyone I just flared
the problem is when I cared I got betrayed
By best friends and lovers now everyone seems fake
There's just so much I can take
I knew everything that was going on ,it was my mistake
With all my strength to move on my heart still aches
The happiest moments of my life you turned to pain
for gods sake why'd do this to me its driving me insane
But who's the one to blame you fooled me a 100 times I guess the shame's on me
It just makes me wonder will anyone stay true
The answer was bright clear in me and you
Still I know I'll do it all over again
And it'll mean a great deal to me even though its vain
Am not crazy or insane
Am just a human
With a big heart that been torn apart
But my hearts too big that it will always have a new start
And that's what's keeping me together the fact that I'll love again
My thoughts scare me
I understand me barely
And in my stomach you pain me
My deep interest in you is vaguely
you pass my mind daily
You run laps in my thoughts
Your so chill
I wanna explore you
The idea of you I have fought
The wrestling got me ill
I wanna explore you
The weird feeling in my stomach
Am scared to call it butterflies
And am scared to look in your eyes
Cause you give my body electrics
I wanna explore you
I'd do anything for you
I wanna explore you
Just stay near you
I wanna explore you
Why are you such a mystery
Exploring you is the only way to me out of misery
All I know is some things can never be replaced
they've been misplaced
Left there to linger
Confusing and tying me up with a lace
A lace strengthened with time
So sour and bitter like lime
Trying to unlock the secret with my rime
But I've pasted so many signs
Found myself in nowhere waiting for nothing
Hoping for something
Have I lost control
Or have you stole my soul
Or is it resentment of getting hurt
Or is it defending my own avoiding the dirt
Can't see the reasons
I see through you
Why can't you see through me
I've listened deeper
Why can't you listen to me
Let me enlighten you
Indulge your senses
Guide you through my map
Put down the fences
Soak you up with loads of me
Then spin you in rinses
Am ties and twirls
So open your mind
And let me flow through
No I don't go with the flow
That might bother you
Been long since I've glimpsed the though of you
Got me wondering
am I hurt or have I never known the truth
I've forgotten am I hurt
Or am just too layered for anyone to dig through
I want to break Taylor Swift’s heart.
Then come back to her. Again and again.
Until I’ve got eleven albums of songs about me.
I really want to meet Taylor Swift.
“You look like bad news, I gotta have you.” <3
Music to my ears.
I’m feeling very 21.