You are no man
You are but a child
How can you live the way you do,
Pining to be pursued
When you are supposed to be the pursuer?
You cry and whine that you cannot be wanted
That you will not be humored
You are not accepted
You shall not be loved
But you are a coward at best
And a failure of a man at worst
You are no man
You are but a child
Your desires are far from realistic
And you expect to be pampered
To be waited upon
To be loved unconditionally
You will not apologize
For acting selfish and stupid
You will not allow yourself
To be 'humiliated' in that way
To incline your head to a woman you've wronged
God forbid you apologize
God forbid you show remorse
You are prideful and conceited in the worst of ways
You are no man
You are but a child
I cannot bear to listen to you grovel
About how your dream girl is unattainable
And all you want is a little love
A man would not waste away for lack of courage
A man would be courageous and chivalrous
Taking a leap of faith and being honorable
You cower at the sight of adversity
Squirm at any sense of discomfort
You have no backbone
You have no sense
You are but a child
And a child you shall stay
It was a demon's night,
traveling alone in Cindar forest;
the wind pushes me forth
and steers me into madness.
Gripping at grooves in scarred bark,
my balance is constantly steadied;
my sanity constantly endangered
breaks at the seams for a swift escape.
Thrown about the foot trail,
bones broken with bleeding clumps of muscle,
in shock, resemble that of human
and little skeletons of hunted beasts.
My name is Francois Martyr,
a true monk employed by Christ's church.
Though the name does not interpret my resolve,
I shall not want, nor desire,
to accompany the souls of our deceased!
Reporting, now in the third month
of my extended travel in Germany's ranges,
feeble stories of the invention, Lycan.
Evidence acquired in short tales,
birthed from the touched tongue of the poor,
speaks of fanged savages evolved from man.
I, Francois Martyr, can assist
the church's needs in evidence of my own
having never suffered my eyes
to be that in nature of failing.
Deep within this enchanted wood,
wind filters out yonder screams
that seem to derive from cliffs that tower,
descending me into a darkened void that's terrifying.
My once sharpened mind
was once notable in reason,
always employing the rational narrative.
I fear the fisher
has become the shadow target.
In what realm of God should I deserve this?
The air is of great thickness in muggy mephitis,
clinging on my loose trails of cloth, soiled.
The stewy broth of sweat, death, and wrath
permeates a, now, threatened heartland.
Millions of full moons wane and wax
in the reflections of forest blood splatter,
like the landscape of hot wet garbage
primed in yellow, olive-green rigor, fanned.
A formidable spectacle in form,
silhouetted by the expanse of cerulean space,
with the threat now real; becoming surreal,
I am left with that, which corrupts my faith.
The putrid rot of congealed pus and blood
revealed itself in the chewing dissolve
of the menacing monster perverting
life's natural design, before me, in its voracious state.
I write with danger looming in my sight,
watching, waiting for something to ensue,
passing out deep breaths to the unseen mosquito;
echoes of bones breaking like snapped branches horrify.
How impressive of such imposing display
that this creature feared is of this world;
alien in disguise, damned by God himself,
coat of hair, bristled and black, matted in grand supply!
The creature has applied fell eyes upon me,
seemingly wary of the cross I bear,
with eyes rent and fired in their sockets;
a profane mastery of evil incarnate!
This death dealer of a life discarded
has attended a baying at the Hunter's moon,
dripping, spitting, shape-shifting from wolf to man;
Wait, he has seen my face!
I have been sentenced to my mistake!
The man, from wolf, drilled his stare
and upon my presence, growled the words to John 14:6
John 14:6= “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."
A soldier's friend grants him a first name
'til fate reigns down its condemning sword,
leaning our heads to bullets and flame,
jumping trenches to fight the hoards.
Fountains of blood bursting from fresh snow,
sprays the crimson mist in fields of sticks;
when the right to fight to live makes more
brave heroes for those their god picks!
Boots tight and worn in darkest Winter,
test trust and faith in a soldier's oath.
Push through the Hell until you leave her;
for soul and flag you fight for both!
Cannons ring these ears and try patience;
I search the skies for my daughter's eyes.
My blood, food for my gun's allegiance,
feeds a machine willing to die!
Tell my wife her man fought with honor,
with her in heart not to die alone;
if this war should take my life from her,
send my kiss to my doors at home!
We weren't sick
Until the doctor prescribed
Our lives away
I wasn't crazy
Until they shamed me
For opening my mind
You're not God
Until you realize
I want to go to places,
where water falls, spilling down
hidden rock faces
while pools of water fill the air
with a heavy mist to lift my cares
high out of reach.
Dip my toes into a clear pond,
submerge hold my breath beyond,
not to test me or to test God,
just stay as long, how odd?
to say so long to, my cares.
Now I know they will find me
returning to easily remind me,
they know where I dreamsleep
they are only cares, they
brought their cousins nightmares.
And all I wanted was a break,
a token of a moment of peace,
not be broken into pieces.
The construction of the human face,
is the way it is for a reason.
He gave us eyes to see,
a nose to smell,
ears to listen,
a mouth to speak,
a tongue to taste.
He gave her ears,
yet she refuses to use them properly
He gave me a mouth,
but I don't know why I talk half the time,
because she refuses to listen.
Her body language indicates that she is aware,
but her eyes,
they glaze over in a way that makes my soul thrash about.
like pollen in the spring wind,
floats to her,
goes in one ear,
and straight out the other.
my tears scar my skin and
Like a shower,
it never seems to end.
I am not your mask,
you can not parade around through me.
You say that
"Some people don't realize it,
until someone else tells them."
I've told you,
yet you cover your ears like in your youth.
You tell me to fly,
but when I try to jump,
you pinch my wings?
How can I learn
if you won't let me tumble?
I am not you,
so stop comparing us.
We may share a similar face,
but this body and mind is not yours.
I am no puppet,
you can not control me.
You're deft not because you can't hear,
but because you refuse to understand.
You are not empathetic.
You refuse to see me through my eyes.
God gave you ears for a reason,
It's about time you learned to use them --
Slowly and syrupy, sticky and thick,
Quick as a viper, sweetly toxic and sick.
Dancing and deadly and lurking around,
Always all at once or nowhere to be found.
Quicksand and a thirst begging to be quenched,
It’s all over your brain and your world doesn’t make sense.
It sits on your chest and pours out your eyes,
Your friends become enemies and truths become lies.
God grows dim and the devil grows loud,
Yelling in your ears until your head starts to pound.
Please make it stop, I didn’t ask for this,
This tornado of torment, this chemically-inbalanced kiss.
Your world is on a switch and the happy turns off,
Instead of shining and smiling, your soul starts to cough.
Cringing and cold and cuddled in fear,
You pray for a day that the end comes near.
Not the end of this, just the end overall.
Just so this forever-feeling will stall.
The stars become car headlights and you think to run,
In front of them in hopes this life will be done.
But instead you go to bed and pray for a day
You don’t have to cry yourself to sleep and this all goes away.
You scream in your dreams, you drown in the light,
You’re not safe in the sun or alone at night.
Depression sucks, it really fucking sucks,
Some happy bastards have all the luck.
your nightgown limps sadly against your trotting legs
The light becomes
Trapped between your gowns effortless sway
room to window
towards the moon
back to bed
snowflake kissed sheets grow
unbearably cold underneath the night sky's icy breath
Close the window
"Dont, pelase, don't..."
into skin that can't form goosebumps any more
peachy silk coating
plastered smiles across all of those
good God fearing faces
for a mind so
chaotic and chemically smeared
In a funk,
a different time,
a different place
I've removed myself from the watches' ruthless reign
I'm a glazed donut
that look in your eye,
Where does it end?
a black pit,
a bottomless barrel
puny animal shot down in the middle of the woods
eyelids dry like pork rinds
Perfect loops decorate the top of your cut thighs
"Who's here to pet my hair?"
as shallow as the shore's waves
unlike the deadly tsunami festering underneath it
Pet my arm.
Graze it with your soothing fingertips
Warm sparks fly madly
a cold log
deadwood that never made it past the beaches of your boundless regret
"I didn't realize it'd grow this quickly...
mentally shoved the flames of my disease inside of my mouth."
"I thought it'd...burn out."
"The pit of my stomach now filled with the flashing signs of panic and
All across the side of your bed
spines don't fall into any more
a dark room
"Who's here to make the noise to fill the empty caverns of my bustling brain?"
A dark room
Words fall into it
Stumbling across the bumps of your
"Who's here to scream back?'
Laughter sounds so far away when I'm here in my timeless prison
Sun creeps out of the curtains
light falls like broken piano keys into you
mucous made mask
I couldn't find God today
and the Devil was swimming my cereal bowl
I still see you
caverns of my mind
still flood with ideas of you
and snippets of conversation
we never finished
It's our shoes walking together
on a sidewalk in some nameless city
It's a single sushi meal we shared
It's how your profile looked in my car
during sunset hour
when we were driving back on the 101
snake of memories
that don't make sense to me
It slithers and shits
rolls of my life's film
into my brain's projector
and they play incessantly
before I sleep
I brush it off
and resume tossing side to side
but only a few tears ever come out
I'm a volcano that will never erupt
out of steam
scared or concerned about me
Let me sink underneath the Earth
Into the ocean's depths
Where I can be forgotten about for good
A volcano without any lava left, huh?
Then I met a few others like you
A coffee shared
The memory of how your eyes looked when you came
even the sound of you
peeing the next morning rings in my ears
and it plays
like a broken record
a sad mix tape some lonely pervert made in their mother's basement
while they sit in their self-made
the blonde, blue-eyed girls who shunned them
with their bug eyes
popping out of their fleshy shells
piercing their dream maidens
"Jesus Christ you're disgusting, ew, ew like bed bugs all over my body, go to Hell you worthless creep"
and they dream and fantasize over the happiness that they perpetually plant
and try to grow
and it's never a flower
it's only weeds on the side of a garden shed
No one's even bothers to pull
It's there like clockwork
Like when my heart races in the shower
The hot water makes my body tired
"this is when I'll give up"
My body becomes seduced into a hypnotic trance
I can't seem to fight the
Warm blanket of water
that covers me
It'll end on this note.
Face down and
hanging outside of the bathtub wall
In that last moment of life,
I'll probably be thinking of
when we made love here
Or how you
missed the green light when we
were driving back from getting donuts
because you were too buys gazing at me instead of the road
We looked at all the stars and you knew what they all meant
You kissed me
and told me
what each of their purposes were
You told me
which star to look at if I ever
found myself lost
We soon crawl into your bed
and I try to find the star to help me get out of your covers
Toes crossed together
Faces pressed into one another's
My heart begins to race
Fingers digging into each others backs
I've become your bodies hostage
I try to resist
One of my eyeballs manages to peak outside of your window
The star to help me find my way out is gone
The plot of this moment fades away as quickly as it was written
all I can remember is your back
in the dark
up and down
becomes the soundtrack of the snake's nightly dropping
I look for that star every night
The silver of silver light trickling down your spine
up and down
the bed creaks
My hear aches
Beads of sweat
Erupt from your skin
Under the moon's picturesque glimmer
When the snake finally leaves,
I look outside of my window
I never find that guiding star
I did it. I prayed last night for a calming of my heart and I was touched by the image of a swan washing clean my racing thoughts and I was able to finally sleep for at least a little. Two hours is better then none. It really worked. My mind raced a million miles per hour plagued by thoughts of Alyssa and suicide. I shaked from all the emotions and pain. I was so worried that I would have nightmares about her like I have. My prayer was answered. I dreamt of people feeling the same as I do starving by choice or not, shivering from cold they can't escape, their loss and hopelessness just as deep as mine and sometimes worse. We were all calmed by this beautiful image. Some blinked in and out of existence as if they were offered love just before death. We all love each other and understood each others pain. Sharing grief not by words but by spirit. My heart bleeds for them and I am not alone.