A humid night
filled with magic and marijuana
laced pumpkin pie

Capped off with kids
singing Richard and Mimi Farina
on the back porch, alone

An acoustic guitar,
dreadlocks and harmony
found in the sticky air

Electric girl,
Pack Up Your Sorrows
and give them all to me

Put your circuits in the sea,
do what you feel now,
and give them all to me

i am a lost girl
the kind who will let you stare
into her ocean eyes for free
and swallow your compliments
profoundly eagerly
while always knowing
all nourishment is temporary

i am a lost girl
the kind who has sorrow burned on the inside
of her mouth
nothing can take the taste away
not even love not even people
who said they would stay
because she knows more than anyone
that they never do

i am a lost girl
the kind whose passion will tug on your heartstrings
so hard you will be able to feel
the vibrations throughout your entire body
long after she has left you
covered in kisses and invisible bows
stranded on an abandoned
railroad pleading
for release

i am a lost girl
the kind that knows what she wants
but does not have enough drive or self esteem
to keep  a solid grasp
for certainty has always been like sand
slowly slipping through her fingers

i am a lost girl
the kind that will settle on what little power
she has left
the kind that will sing you to sleep
if in turn you will tell her
just once
that she is beautiful regardless
of if you mean it
or not.

I like the feel of isolation
of chapped air and retention
constant need to check the windows
but still the glitter etch my fingers
and the glue dries - I don't cry until
the social worker prods my life
and the girl with red hair
makes me sane.

the very first time I went to a phycologist
my mother had already spoken to her
and given her "the whole story"
so that when i went in to speak to her
she thought she already knew everything

so i think half the problem was that
i didn't get a chance to get comfortable
with this random lady
and then come out with my problems
when i felt it best
i was forced into talking about them
right away

also i think where she had talked to my mother first
she had developed a bias
so she was on my mother's side
and thought her words were law

because when i went in and sat down
she told me i was being a selfish little girl
and that i needed to stop doing these things
because my parents didn't deserve
to have to deal with it

she said i probably had no friends
and made my list all of the friends i did have

she said i have to imagine being in my parents shoes
and seeing how this would effect them
but all i could think was that she didn't know
what my parents were actually like
and she had no business standing up for them

she couldn't imagine the nights i'd spent
crying on the fucking floor
with my father standing over me yelling
that i was being a stupid child

or the nights they would lock me out of the house
and i'd be stuck sitting on the doorstep
until my little brother would come down
and sneak me in

and so i sat in her red office
on her red fucking couch
and cried for an hour
while she basically told me off

and then my parents came in and joined me
and the lady said that things were going great
and i should come back the week after
she also gave me some homework
i was supposed to think about my future
and write down where i wanted to be
in ten years

also, she said that i wasn't allowed
to talk about anything she said with anyone
for at least two days
so i would have time to let it sink in

as soon as i left there i went to my boyfriend (at the time) 's
house and told him everything
then i took the fucking sheet with the homework on it and wrote

"in ten years i want to be fucking dead"

it felt like she didn't even care about my problems
like all that mattered to her was the money
she was going to make having me sit in that chair
for an hour a week

it felt like she was trying to cram me into this mould
that she and my mother had created for me
that didn't even consider my own feelings and plans

i felt ignored, disrespected, alone, and pathetic

if the therapist wouldn't even try to help me
what hope did i even have

___________________­_

someone please tell me this isn't how therapy always works
cause god i know i need it, but i've kind of been scared off of it

There's still something
That's missing in me
I'm not the girl I was
But that's who I long to be
Happy, smiling, joyful
Never really quiet
There was so much to say
I could've started a riot
But instead I left
I changed myself
Stopped speaking to people
And stay on a shelf
Away from people
Hiding in corners that are dark
Hoping no one pulls me
Into the light to see my marks

When he was four
he saw his parents madly in love
so consumed with each other
that he felt it when they looked at him

when he was nine
the girl in his class handed him
a chocolate taped to rosy paper on february fourteenth
and he felt it when the sweetness covered his tongue

when he was thirteen
the same girl looked at him
with cheeks as rosy as that paper
and he felt it when his turned just as red

when he was fifteen
the beautiful girl had a nice body and a radiant face
with a melodic laugh that was ethereal to his ears
and he felt it ring in his ears when she said she loved him

when he was seventeen
he kissed her friend that had artificially rosy cheeks
and he regretted her too-slick lips
and he felt the lines that showed on his girl's arms the next day

when he was eighteen
he found her limp body
her once-rosy cheeks
with rosier blood pouring from her wrists
and a note filled with apologies
and he felt it when she was placed in the earth
he felt her family cry

when he was just a few days older
his mother found him
and his once-bright eyes
dimmed and broken
with blood spilling from him
that was an
angered
depressed rosy
and he felt nothing more

I know you told me
to shut them out,
they're only hurting me.

The boy that broke my heart
asked me to prom,
and

the girl that cornered me
tries to include me
despite

my shyness, and
the girl who swore at me
is my closest friend.

I know you told me
to shut them out,
they're only hurting me.

But
I can't let go, they are
the only friends I have.

if i have a little girl, i want her to know that she has a little life.
she has time but not enough
i'll tell her to run her dirty paws on every wall
and yell at the top of her lungs,
so the world hears her voice.

"and little girl" i will tell her "you're beautiful."
you're beautiful like sun hitting broken glass
beautiful like clean blue paint
beautiful like your father
with butterfly eyes
and rosey lips.

Little Lion Girl
show me all you have–
Roar as loud as you're aloud
and then a Little more.
all the World's below your feet,
Remember to Remember–
the grass the road the snow the mud
and all Steps in between
Little Lion Girl
I know you know Be Brave
Fear nothing you can't see–
What you can Fear their own
in Something Somewhere Somehow.
go on Little Lion Girl
show us all the way–
to Kingdom Come
to Peace and sweet Freedom
as you are night and day.
Little Lion Girl
not all see Light as you
you are Young and you are Pure
but one day that will End
and the Clouded may consume
Remember to Remember–
the grass the road the snow the blood
and all Smiles in between