I woke up today
for the first time in months
simply because it's so easy
for you to make me invisible again.
Did nothing I wrote matter?
Am I just some game for you to play
when you get bored?
I took my heart,
sliced in open,
and laid it right in front of you,
trying to be as honest as I could be.
I can't give you any more
than I've already given.
If you want the walls to break down,
then prove to me I should.
And if you want to use me,
then fuck you.
I will be seen.
I will be heard.
If I spilled the secrets I knew about you,
I could turn your world up-side-down,
And sometimes I think
that's exactly what you deserve.
The evening was awake full of history
wind pressing against warm skin
that forgetting would be too long
we didn't have a sail
or a boat
or more importantly an anchor
to remove or ground us in this swelling sea
I looked over your head wishing for sunlight
so we could go back to yesterday and the day before
so that maybe we would have never yelled so loudly
on the train tracks
watching humanity tear itself apart
on each side of us
we got lost in that
we lost everything we said we never would
and now these buildings aren't our friends
and their structure is pushing us out like gates
I'll become a stranger to another town
walking without your shadow underneath empty street lights
talking to the moon about things only you heard
about why I thought the world is ending
and how I planned on
(your hand helped the most)
tonight we said goodbye in tangled fists and heartbeats
tonight I shed away the secrecy of humming words I told you while you were sleeping
far away dreaming of me
I grabbed you like it was the last time, the way I always meant to hold you
tonight I sang to you in years
locked behind eyes you so swore chambered the sun
(on couches and floors)
watching you circle around me
like the earth
steady in your footsteps
in cold spring winds
but Im already in Portland missing you
walking streets and counting trees I wish I could show you
because you're not here
where I think I need you
Im already reading your book about the sand
and imaging the way you smile in the desert
tickling scars you gave me on a bed
wasted wine and razor blades
(now twisted like metallic woven thread pink and past)
Lucky You ,I tongued my lips
that red rust
pain killing love
love killing pain
fuck the way you made my thighs sweat
your arms are tied around me now
and Im promising myself I won't forget
amongst the screaming silent trees
your heart is beating faster..
'your emotions are heavy,
I'll keep them inside my chest'
The nights are long
Once the sun sets, the thoughts come back
Something about the absence of light drawing my mind back
To the darkest of times
The gun in my mouth, blood stained sheets
A handful of pills in my lap, so easy to swallow them all
Tying nooses for practice, just in case I ever need them
All those things?
They really happened
And they feel like so long ago
But in reality, it was just
8 months ago
That I decided to fuck it all
Roll the dice, end my life
It was the only failure in my life that ever made anyone proud
Which is sad
But most things in life are sad
Just like me
A broken boy, age 16
So young, to be so damaged
Released from the hospital because i was "fixed," whatever the hell that means
Struggling everyday now just to wake up, move past those nightmares
Over caffeinated, lacking sleep
Splitting headaches, fear of anyone I meet
Anxiety so constant a bother
It never lets me be free
So any and all interactions are tinged with more dark thoughts
Like, "i'm messing this up, she must hate me"
All day is like this
Forcing laughter, always tinged with hysteria
I don't know if anyone notices
I highly doubt it; nobody ever notices me
But even if they do, they say nothing
But I suppose there is nothing right to say
To some lost soul, losing his sanity
I swear, my anger could cause a car crash.
Do you think I'm truly that oblivious?
My blood is boiling in my veins,
You have the audacity to lie to my face,
I have done everything for you, given you my all.
What the fuck is wrong with you,
After that call,
I am done.
My patience is gone,
It has disintegrated along with you,
Our trust and our love.
Fuck these nights.
Fuck these feelings of anger, abandonment, fear, and jealousy--
but mostly anger.
Fuck the way I know I'm not going to like what I find
but keep looking anyway.
Fuck these memories that follow me around to this day
and keep finding ways to reinvent themselves.
Fuck the way I torture myself like this
over and over again.
Fuck that fluttering in my heart that could be mistaken for love
if I weren't so sure it's hatred.
Fuck you for making me so fucking weak
by giving me the world and then taking it away, little by little.
Fuck you for making me so fucking dependent
that I can't even go to sleep without a perfect goodnight.
Yeah, fuck you.
nah, Im not cold
Im just numb from all these lies
and all these fucking guys.
But Thank you
Now I can kiss you
and not miss you
I can fuck you
and yet touch you
I have to say, it feels kinda great not giving a fuck per se
So dont blame me for being a "cold bitch",
I just learned how to be a chick with a dick.
between the sentences
of those faceless giants
that surround me
without a comprehensible sound
and not quite yet
you'll come around,
but only once I've given in
sin, skin, and cigarettes
and looming regrets
in overcast limbo
fool me once
shame for life
you said you'd never hurt me
but the pain came twice
tell her that she's alone
that she deserved it
she's on her own
well I won't let you take
her voice away
she likes to fuck
but you like to pray
kiss and makeup
because there is plenty else to hate
and your ignorance is out of date
your loneliness is just a phase
but hakuna matata is just a phrase
and happily ever after
is just a ghost in the wall
high, tripping, and falling
into distant fucked up haze
of your forgiveness
which I am expected to accept
even when you took away
until there was nothing I had left
an intolerable possibility
that I should be so willing to receive
your gold paved poor intentions
into my poor eroded throat
just to be evoked
from a bottomless pit
where my insides should be
no clear beginning or end
to myself, or identity
like a blurry negative
or a softly fallen tree
keep the change
the empty promises
the debt and the punishment
but I'm breaking the mirror
and not the habits I loathe
a celebration and emancipation
from the tunnels of my mind
winding and finding
this is a war that can't be won
my anxiety’s been getting worse lately
making me dread sad people and being called baby
But hey, when you're lonely you’ll take what you get
And worrying about holding hands isn't much of a threat
of course, you get worried going a different way to school
like every little thing you do must follow certain rules
When you need to talk to strangers your pulse speeds
And bussing down to movies makes you weak in the knees
You can't let people know and you can't let it show
You need to ask for the check even though
Speeds up, your muscles contract
And you find it hard to breathe and the waitress passes by
And you try to get her attention but she's obviously busy with other customers
Your friends are looking at you weird but you smile
Awkwardly wave your hands until she notices and you're beet red in the face
You laugh it off and pay your bill and get the fuck out of there
And nobody asks why you're so flustered but
you can feel their gazes in the flush on the back of your neck
And you feel it the rest of the way home
I don't know what I would do without caution, or
looking both ways when crossing an empty street, or
Checking my phone every five minutes to see if they're getting home alright
Because it's the only way I know how to care
I've been living in this STERILE world
card board, cut out lawns
one, two, three...
what the fuck am I supposed to do?
who the fuck am I supposed to be?
Everyday there's a fight inside my mind,
my mental state fights my body
and my body fights me
and they say "you're strong, just let it be."
but I'm dying inside just to keep what's left
the money is all here
but I feel like a theft
and I swear to God I am getting further from my soul everyday
cause the truth is I grew up fighting
and now nothing is that way
It's the spirit inside
for the tough times we endure
the spirit that carries us through
and keeps us secure
and no one woulda believed the fucked up I endured
cause I act like Martha Stewart
and so self assured
Martha I love you,
but fuck you.
This shit aint for me.
Martha I love you,
but I'm telling you
I just gotta be free.
I'm trending love.
I'm trending hate.
I'm trending the fact that you always reply a little too late.
I'm telling you that you are less than enough.
And when you fuck me, its a little too rough.
Pounding away like you're shooting a gun.
All too soon.
I never come.
Too pretty to make you feel let down.
Fake it always, you're the shittest rodeo clown.
Take off your fuckin face.
Eat me wide, go on, give me a taste.
Sink your teeth into my bare flesh,
feel my history in my blood
seek me out in all my mess.
I am showing you darling
in my very sweet tones
that my succinct naivety is nothing more,
than what you want from your white ash bones.
I am trending you
I am trending your cock.
I am trending the look you wear
and the music you rock.
I am seeking a feeling more than text, a wink or smiley face.
Look, At, ME.
Am i that easy to replace?
Bitterness is found in the sweetest pill
i'll bend your ass, i'll bend you over,
I'll fuck you at will.
I will move my trend towards your neck
outpour my lack of interest in your ear,
tell you what it is you want to hear.
Fuck you, and fuck your nation.
Fuck your distinctive'taste',
and your senseless judgement and interrogation.
I am not some sweet-ass-fuck-drive-by-shooter-girl,
I have fucking brains,
I am seconds away from tearing apart your world.
I am living safely from behind my defensive line of white hair,
fuck that shit, i don't want closeness
rip my clothes off, don't leave till i'm wanton and bare.
Oh and i am trending your messages
I am trending all of you.
I am not trending depression, fucked up or feeling blue.
I am trending love, trending the great divide.
I made it through and over, to the other side.
I am not what you will ever believe me to be
a glimmer, of a hint, in a riddle, is all you will see.
I am trending what is insane, and what is not,
I am thinking, your thinking of,
'what the fuck has this girl got?'
I am not here to make you laugh, or for you to wish for more,
I am here to be left broken and wet,
on your kitchen floor.
I am trending honest, i am trending passion and life,
I am trending a big fat fuckin smile,
Because I am not your possession or your future wife.
I am not trending your cock size, or your 16 positions in one night,
I don't want you to cry on my shoulder
I am not trending 'your mother', i have earnt that right.
Look, At. ME.
Second chances rarely come as few
and when i walk away, i will walk away with a taste of you.
I am sweetness, i am luxury divine,
make me bite you, scratch your back, forget the time.
But at my cost, at my control, this will be,
you are not my attachment,
my soul is not your key.
I am trending love, i am trending ME
for what is locked within, is never for free.
What a trend