I'd like to distract your thoughts,
Caress you, make you feel nice & hot.
For my own pleasure,
And maybe yours.
I'll feel good making you feel good,
Be very still, I'll set the mood.
Don't try to please me,
I'm numb, you'll see.
Worry not- you'll enjoy it,
The peak is in the heat of the moment.
Your senses are going crazy,
You're liking this, aren't you, baby?
You've become undone, you beg for more,
Sure.. there's always more to explore.
But, there are rules this time,
Fret not- you'll be fine.
Can't touch me, I can't stand it,
Keep eye contact, you'll soon be an addict.
The friction is building, your sweat is visible,
Wish it was more than just physical- I'm unforgivable.
You reach the top & come crashing down,
Only your erratic breathing, not another sound.
You want more of me- all of me,
But, there's not much to give, sadly.
You want to stay, you suggest to sleep on the floor,
Oh how silly, no honey, there's the door.
There was fresh flowers
on the grave
that Jane showed you
outside the small church
the sun was warm
were just over
the hedge surrounding
you could hear them
munching the grass
and trotting by
unconcerned by death
or the symbols
and Jane said
the tractor fell
on top of him
the other month
at the flowers laid there
bright in the sunlight
a small glass vase
holding a smaller bunch
child picked maybe
they'll have to
move out now
that he's dead
a tied cottage
and you could see
in her features
the tearful eyes
mouth slightly open
broken china pieces
where will they go
the mother and children?
the local council
will house them
she gazed at the grave
and picked up
a small flower
from the nearby grass
and laid it
by the other flowers
God bless him
in His peace
she said softly
over the hedge
a bird called
from the hedgerow
you looked at her
a blue ribbon
in her dark hair
her green top
and black skirt
one of the dangers
she said quietly
she moved away
and you followed
and she held out a hand
and you took it
into the small church
in one of the pews
inside and stared
at the stained glass windows
sunlight pouring in
like liquid gold
the flagstone floor
and pew end
at the front
and her hand
still held yours
life and living
and she and you
in his God's peace
and the cows
munching the grass
and birds calling
the eternal why.
Fall into the hollow feeling
Of giving all the time
Derivatives of my appeal
Will justify a crime
Wrapped in one own's self resent
Relationships are resident
Glance at primer peeling on the ceiling
Rooms are vacant past first floor
Content with not expecting more
Interactions feel like I am stealing
If some could see the sediment
Left of peoples' good intent
Sifting of ignorance
Dry with self exuberance
To kneel and watch it run through my fingers
Make a pact of solitude
The signature will last til noon
Apologies in schema with a meaning
I guess it's just a waiting game
Not that there's anyone to blame
That humankind itself is always fleeting
I'm left here
my feet on the floor
I'm staring at the door.
or to stay...
so many options
but where would I go?
I have no one
I have no where
I'd just be a burden
but that's nothing new.
why is this feeling
taking over me
leave me alone
LEAVE ME ALONE
My insides are flowing
I was never like this
I was always happy
have I caused this myself
am I creating my own nightmare
It's blowing up
but I won't show it.
It's blowing up
inside of me
but it's a secret
I would never share.
For once, I don't know
for once, I need help
but would anyone understand?
I know they wouldn't
I think I'm crazy
but am I?
Do other people feel this way
I'm not just myself
there is someone else
inside of me
someone else making my decisions
I don't agree with myself
I can't fight this anymore.
Who am I?
What have I become?
Where am I going?
When will this go away?
How did I let myself get here?
I am up and down.
and everyone around.
Have you even gotten to your room at night and just start crying?
Not necessarily because you're sad,
But more because you're worn out and tired.
Tired of the drama.
The day to day bullshit.
One tear turns to two then three then four.
Before you know it you find yourself clenching a pillow to your chest begging
But the voices in your head they don't listen.
They keep spilling out words and attacking
forcing themselves to be heard
And my heart,
Oh my weary heart.
It begins to pound deep in my chest.
PLEASE GOD MAKE THEM GO AWAY. I NEED SOME REST
But the do not seize, they just keep attacking as they please.
So I find myself rocking on the floor.
Head clamped between my hands.
maybe if I cover my ears they'll leave
But who am I kidding.
I can't hide.
I can't sleep.
I can't get away from the monster inside of me.
At the top floor of the skyscraper that touches the sun
A man sits with his bourbon in hand, looking out over his creation:
The world in which people shine like glass
Something in that dark yellow of the bourbon reminds the man
Of that time he saw the world’s last tree
Twenty year before it fell.
It was when he was still young and naïve,
His visions of eternal life and glass people,
Still on the brink.
Some instinctual twitch in the back of his brain,
Passed down from the apes, guided him to climb it
But the first branches were too high
And so he cried,
Like a child who cries after stubbing his toe.
It’s while he’s still thinking
Of that first and only time
Seeing a tree beyond a screen
That the man takes his final sip of bourbon,
Though the glass is still half-full.
With the first gunshot in two thousand years,
The bourbon drops to the floor and
He looked me in the eyes and said, "what do you wanna be?"
Looking down was the only direction I've known,
before I knew that sentences could end with question marks,
instead of periods.
He looked me in the face and said, "what do you wanna be?"
The smell of old chairs around a wooden table and the sound of
gossip from the floor above.
This was my life and I always pictured it in italics,
aligned to the left and initials on the bottom in bold.
He looked me in the soul and said, "what do you wanna be"
Music was blaring and I could hear it in my chest.
The day time collapsed and they told me this was the beginning,
though it was not the day I was born.
I flipped through an old black leather book and found the letters
I wrote to the boy across the oceans.
He looked me in the heart and said, "what do you wanna be?"
I told him I wanted to be the person to change his mind.
I wrote my ideas in that black leather book,
with my initials on the bottom in bold,
and his love in italics.
He never looked at me again,
the questions turned into demands
and the words folded into silence.
I still write what is left of his love in italics,
and he translates them into regrets.
Like ruins of a temple,
indefinitely masked with religion only to
cover up the ordinary.
He looked her in the eyes and said, “what do you wanna be?”
She said she wanted to be the person to make up his mind.
Walking up the concrete stairs into the flurries of snow,
and the cold sunlight,
I watched the person I wanted to be,
transform into the the person I couldn’t be.
your violence is so sophisticated
i would like to invite you in for revelry.
ecstatic transcendence .
you're probably wondering:
can i get raw?
i get dirty to the floor.
a genocide of emotions.
Struggle struggle struggle
Cue fake Smile
Remember to grab cheer shoes in the morning
Oh, Aj and Sarah Alice are talking again?
Oh god what am I gonna get you gossipy motherfuckers for Christmas
Oh hey there's one I like
And there she goes
And he for that matter
Not that he ever was there
Learn learn learn
Sip coffee. Stay awake.
Take organized, color-coded notes
Cue laughter at friend's jokes
Small cup of lettuce
Pretend not to notice the looks people give your lunch over bloated piles of pasta
Sorry I don't like school food
Pinch inner thigh fat
Gaze at stretch marks dejectedly
Try to forget because people are starving in Africa
So be happy in your big house and priavate school stupid
Sip more coffee
Iced now because it's afternoon
Cheer cheer cheer am I breathing oh goddamn I cannot possibly throw this tuck I CANNOT THROW THE TUCK THE TUCK DOES NOT HAVE THE POTENTIAL FOR LANDING CANT AHH DEAR JESUS OKAY I THREW THE TUCK okay pose breath breath where is the oxygen who fucking knows 1
Dance dance dance smile look pretty
Is this what death feels like
YAY WE HIT YAS IM IN HEAVEN
Oh god more homework
Just plan which breaks you'll do it in tomorrow
Study hall- apush
Another subject I pray I'll have random time to do for some reason
Who knows how tf it gets done
Wait but tumblr
oh god oh lord IM LARGE AND NOT EXPERIENCING EVERYTHING WHAT IF IM DOING EVERYTHING WRONG AND ILL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE SORRY MOM BUT YOU MAKE MY BRAIN WANT TO SPILL OUT but what if I'm looking at the future too much and I miss all the good stuff now but this also kind of sucks not gonna lie
WHAT IF IM NOT ENOUGH
Okay Gabs stop being a stupid emotional mother fucker
* sings defying gravity on bathroom floor with all doors closed *
Okay. I'm Gucci
It's ten thirty
Damn I'm tired
I never thought I'd have to see her like this so soon. So young. So cold.
I should have listened to her. I should have talked to her more. Seen her more. She always asked me why I seemed so distant from her, I always got frustrated and denied it.
Now she's the distant one.
We would argue often. About communication. Our feelings. Her feelings. She had a very hard life. A violent alcoholic father. She grew up untainted by her surroundings, but scarred. Chronic Anxiety and Depression. She would cry often, and get mad and angry for sometimes no reason. She said she didn't know why it happened; it just did, and that I couldn't understand. That made me angry. Even though she was right; I really couldn't.
I haven't had an easy life in the past few years, but it doesn't compare to hers. I didn't know what is was like to be as depressed as she was. To be as anxious as she was. She would always check up on me, because she always worried about me. I myself, just took it and never did it for her.
What a mistake.
I remember my 17th birthday. She was more excited than I was, and couldn't wait for me to finally see what she had done for me. She was adorable when she talked about it. I spent the day with her and she made me a homemade card themed my favorite video game, and a Key Lime pie from scratch. I love Key Lime pie.
How I wish we could make it together, one last time.
A couple days after my birthday, a package she ordered came and she was ecstatic for me to finally have it. They were custom made genuine dog tags. They had my information on one tag, and a personalized message from her on the other. Her message read, "KNOWING YOU HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND LOVING YOU HAS MADE MY WORLD." I wear them everywhere, even to today.
But when her birthday came around, I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. She was really upset, and I felt guilty when she mentioned it, so I never did get her anything; I felt it was too late.
Whenever she was happy, she shined brighter than the sun. She smiled and laughed and was goofy. She would make up little songs about how much she loved me, and she would do anything for me. Now, I can only imagine how she felt when I left for the night, not doing anything for her.
I knew she had problems even before she met me. I knew she was chronically sad. I knew she had always been a rock, but had slowly started to erode and needed someone.
Why was I so selfish!?
I notice her mother is crying. Hysterically. They were so close. Her mom was so nice, always inviting me over and cooking for me even when they didn't have much food. Now, she looks like an empty husk of what she used to be. Crumpled on the floor, covered in her own tears, mourning the loss of her world.
Her younger brother sits with their dad, hugging and crying on each other, as well as the rest of her family. You can almost smell the saltiness in the air from all of the tears.
I've cried as much as I can. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn't want to believe she was gone. But eventually I screamed, bawled and raged at my loss. She was the only thing that mattered to me.
Now I stand here, silent and empty. My mind is numb, and all I can do is stare at her. Eyes closed, chest still, but still so beautiful. I had to battle with myself to even come and deal with seeing her like this. I finally move my stiff hand towards her curly hair and stroke it, and slowly move my hand to her shoulder. I imagine her opening her eyes and smiling at me with one of her beaming smiles. But I know it won't happen, and that's when the tears come.
I'll never see her smile, feel her lips against mine, hug her small body again. I can never hear her sweet voice again, telling me, "I love you" with a glow in her eyes.
Why didn't I show her how much she meant to me? Why couldn't I swallow my pride and be a little more caring and thoughtful for her the way she never failed to be for me? Why? I'm sobbing now. I collapse to my knees and rest my hand over hers. She's freezing. I rub her hands instinctively as if it will warm them up, but it doesn't.
I just want her to wake up. I feel as if it's my fault she's in eternal silence now. Apart of the world beyond, when I want her so desperately to be back here with me. I don't want her to leave me. I feel as if I can't live without her, she was the only one I'd ever truly loved, but in the end I failed her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I should have shown her more instead of using only my words!
I slowly stand up still covered in my tears, and stare at her sleeping body. I watch as one drips down onto her expressionless face. I use my thumb to gently wipe my tear away, just as I used to wipe hers. Now all I can do is think about what could have been, what I could have done, and what will never be.
"I'll miss you." I whispering through my sore choked throat, and kiss her cold forehead.
"I love you."