It started on my lunch break at work,
I ordered and you gave me a smirk.
Something inside me stirred,
You couldn't like me, that'd be absurd.
I smiled too much,
I hope you didn't notice it when our hands touched.
I left with your face in my mind,
As I left that restaurant behind.
I told my co-workers all about you,
But they wanted me to do what I couldn't do.
They urged me to go get your number,
But I was a firecracker, and you were thunder.
The next day, you came into my work
And this time I got to play clerk.
I tried to keep myself from grinning,
But at this point, my mind was spinning.
You left your change behind,
And the receipt, you declined.
I tried my best to be flirty and cute,
But I failed at going down that route.
You walked out and looked back at me,
And the inside of me filled with glee.
My co-worker said you were interested,
And if you really were, I'd be privileged.
I figured someone as cute as you would never be into me,
So I let things be.
Another encounter without
A phone number.
Then my friend directed me to your Facebook,
And when I got to it, I shook.
I wasn't sure if I should add you or not,
But despite my better thought,
I added you, hoping you wouldn't think I was crazy.
What comes after is a bit hazy,
But you complimented me,
And a smile was all that night could see.
You asked me if you could take me out,
And inside, I felt myself scream and shout.
I can't wait to see you again sometime,
Because you are one hell of a dime.
That smile, those eyes
They could make a girl like me die.
I've been looking all along for someone like you,
Maybe we could start something out of the blue.
I think I've quite possibly found what I've been looking for
In the Taco Bell right next door.
when we're younger we feen for love
we crave something we've never felt before
hence why I was obsessed with Twilight novels
and cried during every Nicholas Sparks film
this is when we're barely growing breasts
and boys are fascinated by bras and thongs
only later to love what is underneath them
we get older and experience grows
we eventually fall in love
or maybe a hundred times
and every time it happens
it just gets harder and harder
we all let that one person in
they see all of our dark crevices
you parade the skeletons in your closet
and for a moment
we think that this might be that person
but things get shaky
and we say things we don't mean
some of them move across the country
and others escape inside themselves
the ones we love are not always lovable
or they don't love us back
we build this thick skin
we hide behind drugs and alcohol
and we get too fucked up to remember when he held you in the middle of that field
we build up these hard walls on the outside
only because we are afraid to admit our innards are mush
and we can't take anymore heartbreak
because we gave ourselves to them
every achy memory
and they held us there
as we sobbed
and punched away our demons
so now we are all afraid to love
because the purest thing we ever did feel
turned its back on us
love morphed into a demon within us
revealing its bloody teeth that were plunged into our hearts
we tell ourselves that we will never love again
for it hurts too much
and we are all too broken for anyone to love us again
that reassurance he gave you
it does not matter what he told you in that early morning shower
or how the warmth of your bodies came together in a foggy car
that is all the past
no matter how we reminisce we cannot get the love back
the purest of it has left us
so why is it when playing the field, we become so scared and insecure?
putting up this confident, independent front
where in reality we're praying for your acceptance?
women read loud magazines with advice columns
because we can't get the one on ourselves anymore
we're too insecure
and advice columns from a loud magazine somehow fit all of our situations
those bright words in that loud magazine can't fix the emptiness he left you with
when all you wanted was to be loved
and he couldn't give you enough of him
because he was broken too.
Sometimes those loud magazines are right
only the instance when they tell you to "be yourself"
it worked the first time didn't it?
a questionnaire in Cosmopolitan didn't tell you how to act that summer
your tactics from Manthropology 101 didn't get him to sit by you
it was your smile and the up turn of your eyes that made him fall in love with you
the sunshine in your hair and the freckles on your shoulders
he might have went away, but only for the fear of getting hurt like we all have
it wasn't you the second time around
one day you will need to accept that
So just be yourself
because that boy staring across the way at you
he isn't interested in your flirty planned out text messages
or the new lip stain that Glamour's guy panel has raved about
it's the blushing in your cheeks,
and that contagious smile
that got them all before.
So why stop that feeling again,
although you're scared to love,
why stop something that made you feel so complete before?
If he can give you butterflies again, an old self would call you foolish,
foolish for not taking your chance on the nice guy at the center.
"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."
- Peter McWilliams
It's 5:00 a.m as I lay wide awake in my bed, the same bed where she'd lay, where we'd lay. "Pull yourself together Drew!" I say to myself; I still think of her. It's to the point where I can't even smoke away my troubles anymore because I see her, I feel her, is this god's way of punishing me? Not a lifetime in jail would be enough of a punishment for what I did to Lana, and being killed will be considered as a gift, it'd be the lord having mercy on me. These thoughts are driving me to insanity, but I have no one to turn to. The boys aren't gonna care, they would think I'm weak because after all, this was all to prove that I am worthy of being a part of their brotherhood; if only I'd knew it would be her, the unfortunate young girl to be walking the streets at midnight, I swear I would've done something, anything to save her but as we all beat her and raped her violently I didn't wonder, it never crossed my mind, who is the girl who's face I just buried in an old t.shirt. The boys said that to prove of my worth I'd have to finish her off, they removed the shirt and there I saw her, blood dripping, tears in her eyes and I think her jaw was broken, she seemed to be in an endless misery, and the pain in her eyes magnified as she looked into mine, I wanted to kiss her pain away, but I am a monster, I am the man I swore to her I wouldn't become. Without much thought I did it, with a shot in the head there she was left, the bleeding corpse of the love of my life. She was the only one to ever see good in me, she believed in me, she helped me, she saved my life even, she's the only one I've ever loved, she was the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen, with a bright future ahead of her, vivacious and clever Lana Moriarty with her long blonde hair and flirty yet heart warming green eyes. It's hard to remember her like that, happy and spunky, the last time I saw her was the night I murdered her, she looked deformed and defeated, no longer the glamour girl from high school with the golden future and the world at her feet. From the moment she said she'd tutor me and I agreed just to get to know her... I knew I'd ruin her life from the start, falling in love with her has been the most selfish thing I have ever done. Sometimes I can still hear her screaming and begging for mercy; I will never forgive myself for taking her innocence, and about a year later her life. I want to die, but I don't deserve an easy way out of my troubles, I'm already in hell. It is 6:00 a.m and I swear I heard her call out to me, she sounded happy...Like the Lana I first met, before she lost everything because of me. I get out of bed and walk out of my bedroom and towards the door. I don't bother putting a shirt on or even shoes, no time to be wasted she needs me! It's a chilly night, or morning by now and she calls out my name, it's her, I know it is. I follow the mellow gentle voice full of nothing but purity, I'm carelessly walking and I do realize I don't know where I'm going but it doesn't matter because Lana needs me. There she is. I feel myself smiling, I haven't smiled in so long, my skin feels kind of odd, this smile doesn't belong. My goodness, she's so stunning, her arms open out to me, they have always been my sanctuary; with no effort I find myself walking towards them, how I miss her. There is a light...a bright and blinding light, a loud honking noise pierces my ears as her image disappears and a sudden hit takes my breath away. I'm in pain, but it doesn't last long, my body starts going numb as I think of her...and My whole world goes to black
I might be selfish
I might be wise
I might riddle you
with my white lies.
I might be flirty
I might be cool
But never am I
I might be pushy
I might be mean
Don't call me fat,
I try to be lean.
I might be seen
I might hide
But what you don't realize
deep down inside
I am who I am.
Nobody will EVER change that.
I'm checking the post daily
Can't tell you how exciting this is for me
Since I called the 1-800 number
From that mail order magazine
While one day sitting at the dentist
I picked up said magazine
A full page ad which made me gasp
A colorful array of personalities
I've never really had much of one on my own
So I ordered a couple dozen
Sitting here anxious for my order
And so far I've seen nothing
I'm wearing a path to the mailbox
It should have been here by now
When it does arrive I'm first taking out Impatient
Then placing a call to tell them about themselves
I hope I remembered to order one Romantic
Cause I'd sure like to impress Mary Lou
As it now stands I feel less a man
Around her I don't know what to say or do
Imagine my surprise when the box finally arrives!
I open it up with a slight giggle
Just like that the personalities fall into my lap
For a moment I felt just like Sybil
Lets see there's one that's Strong, one that's Flirty, one that's Shy, one that's Quirky
One that looks like it's Mighty Proud
A personality that's Fun, Debonair, a Serious one
All I know is I want to try them all out
These days when you see me around...AKA "The Man About Town"
The one that has the large following of friends
Everyone loves the tales that I tell, now that I tell them so well
The way I weave them from beginning to end
They all want to hang out with me, there's something special they see
Looks like I've come out of my shell
Now I don't think twice as I jump into life
Since things have been going so well
And all those personalities I own, I now leave those all home...
I keep the box locked high up on a shelf
I found the best personality I have is the one I was born with
And that people tend to like me for myself
Tonight I'll wear your dirty t-shirt to bed.
I can smell your deodorant and body wash and for a moment you are beside me. I roll over and feel your rhythmic breath tousle the wisps of hair around my face which tickle my cheekbones. I kiss the spot where you like to furrow your brows in flirty pictures you send to me. My fingertips obsess over the cold bumpy chains of your dog tags and I wish it was me that owned you.
But on the left side of the bed there are only crinkled sheets damp from the fall air.
This dirty t-shirt.
I can think of nothing else but that your cells have settled into this piece of cloth and they are making love to mine.
A synthesis of lovers only able to touch reflections.
Spinning in infinity, I
Hold for your arrival
Nine ships draw my tired eye
Like a new and flirty rival
Weather delays your ship to graze
And I have sighed once more
I have been waiting seven days
For you to come ashore
But the ocean holds no water,
No liquid tears of joy
Just results of sickened slaughter
From one lost lonely boy
The ships crawl a molasses pace
But later on arrive
And I see your auspicious face
Of the summer you've survived
I want to be the flirty girl
In the floaty dress,
With the flower in her hair
I want a portrait in the attic,
Growing wrinkled, drooping, dying,
While I dance through the city, luscious and buxom,
Not a care in the world,
Enjoying being 'different'.
Freeze time, I like me now.
It's taken years for me to get here,
And I don't want to leave.
I don't want to be insignificant,
I dread becoming invisible,
I want to just stop,
And be where I am,
I want to be me, now, forever.
It had been a good morning. I woke up feeling beautiful and full of life. I'd called my very good friend Fola for our usual morning chat and we had teased ourselves over the phone. She got drunk the night before at the club and some random guy had taken advantage of her drunkenness! He was about to start fondling her boobs when I came into the picture! She was giggly and flirty and that probably gave the guy the green light.
She was a bit embarrassed when I brought it up but Fola was a cool headed person so she laughed it off. I went through my daily routine like a zombie, it was the same old thing; dress up, go for lectures and then see what else we could do with the day. The week was usually like that. We take turns to sleep in each other's room, we were always together. She had a serious relationship! At least it looked that way at the time and I wasn't envious, I'd never been that kind of person. But I was just a free lady, men didn't appeal to me much but occasionally I get some that are my type but they always come with a price. In came this guy, I'd met him through her. The kind of guy that goes with anything and anyone. He speaks well and before I knew it, he became my addiction. She wasn't comfortable with it, but it was harmless! With her relationship she sure was heading for the alter so I discarded all the pointers I saw. She couldn't be in love with Scott, it would be farcical. Weeks later Raymond asked me out and I said no. I didn't want anything that'll get in the way of our friendship. And considering the fact that he was quite controversial, I didn't want to be his fancy woman either.
However, I found solace in him and discovered he really had ears for listening. He made me calm in the most ugly situation. He was my rock, I depended on him. We had it going for a while and one day he offered to take me out for dinner and I didn't hesitate. I unwittingly got into a situation I would have preferred on a normal day to be a nightmare. He had a friend with him so there was no need to be nervous. We had a civilised conversation, nothing unnerving. I was starting to have the idea of me and him together, a happy ever after kind of story. I was wrong, I was in for it and sure took the bait. Time passed so quickly it was late! There was no cab for me to call and he said he couldn't drive me home! I wasn't sure, but the probing between my thighs wanted to explore. We got to his house and we settled.
Later things got really emotional and we started to kiss. I was on tenterhooks. My hands roamed his body softly, afraid I would tamper with something delicate. He explored my body with confidence, my nipples were taut when his hands found them at last. I made sounds in my throat and he giggled! When his mouth found my nipples, I gasped! He sucked them as he spread my thigh and fondled with my honey spot. When he finally took me, it was ecstasy. He was mumbling reassuring words and I responded with passion. We were at it, somewhat changing positions, I was embarrassed and he laughed at me. When he came, he tried to stop himself from shouting by using my shoulder. He left me whoring bite marks. I nursed the shoulder for a few days and that was all.
When my friend called me, she was somewhat disappointed and insinuated I'd been used and it shouldn't have been me. I was dumbfounded, I shed hot tears and couldn't stop. Could Ray be the kind of guy who kiss and tell? I heard words I've said to him being replayed and aired by various audience. My relationship with Fola became estranged and there was nothing we could do about it. We stopped sharing thoughts while I hurt! Fola knew me better than anyone in the world, but this particular pain I wasn't willing to share. I felt foolish.
He'd made the bite marks the reference point and evidence. The incessant calls, texts and affection was just a coy. I was broken beyond repair. I didn't wanna get healed. I stopped trusting and couldn't see beyond the hurt. I lost the desire to live. There was nothing to say to those who knew about it, it was simply an emotional mire.
In the end, the possibility I created in my head- of us being together was nothing but a mirage!
Just your sweatshirt
We chose your shirt today
All eyes on you.
How could they not
I would be too.
But what they don't know
Is the curve of your neck
The rise and fall of your chest
The flutter of your eyelids
The slight smile on your lips
As you fall asleep.
The beauty that I have memorized
That only I get to see
And every night after.