i am every unfinished poem that sits in piles of crumpled paper by your waste bin and every crowded thought in the cranial space above your neck. i am every word that begs to be free from the tip of your tongue but remains just out of your memory's reach. i am comprised of the colors of sunrise but am more the mood of a sunset. i am the familiar fingerprints on your favorite coffee mug. i am a wicker rocking chair on somebody's grandmother's porch. i am bite marks on your pencil and the crick in your neck. i am the vacant blurry buzz of an old television set. i am all of the places i have never been. i am lovers' names carved into summertime tree bark, promising "forever" - only to fall short of that promise by the time the leaves change. i am here. i am not where i belong.
you are the gravity that keeps my feet on earth. you are the atmosphere i breathe. you are the rain that feeds my soul & makes flowers grow. you are my revival and my revolution and the courage i kept hidden inside of closed fists for so long i formed crescent moons in my palms. you are an unstoppable fire that is burning me alive in the best way. you are the only rooftop i have ever visited that i haven't felt the urge to jump off of. you are the gentle hum and rumble of the washing machine i used to nap beside when i was a little girl. you are the creaky wooden swing in my backyard where i sat for countless hours and smoked and cried and pondered. you are sometimes so beyond my understanding, that i wonder when i'm going to wake up; and if i ever did find out that you were just a dream, i would bang on heaven's gates and plead with god to let me sleep. you are there. i am here, you are there.
one of us needs to move.
We are curled up on that old maroon couch
It’s ratty and old but it’s always been our spot,
Even when we were small it was
We’ve been talking for hours but it feels like minutes
Your teaching me about your car and I give you advice
We are so happy like this.
Yet in the back of my mind I feel the time slipping away
But you look at the clock and you ask me to stay just a little longer
But my dad said to be home by nine.
I start to feel nervous and your hands gently shake
We have so much to say but we never have enough time
Our words run together just so we can feel closer for these last few minutes
My chest begins to feel tight with the words I don’t have the strength to say out loud
And in a spare moment of silence my words
I love you.
Yeah, I said it. I love you, it’s there.
You look at me clueless
Almost like you didn’t notice
Then I see your ears go red the way they do when your
And I know you heard me
Words hanging in the open I know you feel my fear
I remember months before when you said the same thing
But my fear controlled me and instead excuses broke free
I’m not ready.
I’m not right for you.
Why would you love me?
You pulled back
Then you hid from me
What might have seemed like a week to you
Were really years for me.
The next time I saw you she was clinging to your arm
I couldn’t believe it
I was shocked
But I hid my feelings and covered them up with a smile
Then everything was normal again
Except for her
Yeah I said it. I love you. It’s there.
I get it now. I understand
It’s insane and irrational
But I now stand where you stood.
I’m feeling what you felt.
How did this happen to calm
But there is this wedge that slides between us
You used to be by me constantly
Strength in our bond
But she walks in and flips her hair
I don’t stand a chance
And your place next to me stands unfilled
She makes me feel out of place
With her dirty looks and glares
I’m not your competition
Or at least so I thought
She’s young and she’s pretty
Sometimes she’s what I’m not
But I’ve been there when you’ve needed me
That’s not something that she’s got
Yeah I said it. I love you. Its there
I hate the fact I haven’t said
The words that I can’t bear
Remember just last week
When you whispered in my ear
You said I’m yours, just yours
I help you when others cant
You understand me when I don’t understand myself
But then I blushed and pulled away
Why did I?
But then you talked about her
And I couldn’t help but feel sad
For a moment I had you back
For a moment things were back to normal.
We still have our moments
Though they are few and far between
You gave me your jacket
We’ve gazed at stars at night
But I come back to reality
And we are sitting on the couch
The time still ticks away
Its time for me to leave
I have to say goodnight
I’d rather stay for hours, or until the suns first light
But we both get up, still shaking
And we quietly say good night
I leave the house I’m on my way
But I know I lost the fight
So, yeah. I said it.
But only in my head.
Ill always wish I said it out loud
Until I find my strength
I love you.
Here's to the liver problems I'll have when I'm older
And here's to the bottle that'll solve 'em
Here's to the heartbreak I've felt this year
And here's to the next fifty fuckin' years
Here's to the friends who couldn't stay
And here's to meeting in hell down the way
Here's to the drugs that tickled my face
And here's to the one's I've yet to taste
Here's self doubt and loathing
And here's to giggling removing your clothing
Here's to the the future where we go from here
And here's too tonight, so finish your fuckin' beer.
Joe and Rose’s Children
Joseph’s plane was shot down near England during WWII
John was assassinated in 1963 of November Twenty-Two
Rose Mary had a botched lobotomy
And Kathy "Kick" died unexpectedly
Eunice married a great man and Lieutenant Robert S. Shriver
Patricia wed actor Peter Lawford, their marriage didn't last for ever
Robert, another brother that was assassinated
Jackie felt sure the Kennedy’s were hated
It was quite true and not a myth
That Jean married Stephen E. Smith
While Edward ignored a drowning incident at Chappaquiddick
And he not trying to save Mary Jo Kopechne was quite horrific
All Rights Reserved
she was born in the first days of january. she missed ringing in the new year by a fraction of a week, but she still claimed the year as her own. she was raised on old books and whispered prayers by the fire. she dreamed of a life beyond snow banks and daggers made of ice. she grew used to air so cold that it stabbed her lungs with each new breath. she began to love those painful moments, because they reminded her that she was still alive. she was used to numb fingers and tingling toes from walks outside. she knew the necessity of many blankets on a bed. she could always find a candle to illuminate the dark. she was never as pure or bright as a new snowfall. she was a splinter from a freshly cut log; a howling wind that keeps you awake at night. she had felt the pain of a long, dark winter. she had been touched by the frost that kills the buds of hope. she found peace in a hot cup of tea. she rejoiced alongside the birds as they welcomed in the promise of a new spring. she was a survivor. she was winter's warrior, after all, and it was time for the snow to melt.
5/6/00 3:49 PM
I am transcribing this mornings’ writings.
It is 11 a.m. I have been naked all day. So many windows to look through, both physically and in the mind.
I have been near silent the whole time I have been in this house. I find it so strangely familiar here. It fits; it all fits in the mysterious cosmic way I have yet to discover.
*I am a person who visits ‘his house when he is on trips. And here I find myself on a trip or two indeedy. The house, thought 1, I love his style.
It makes me think of what I want for myself. There is fantasy and reality to indulge in here.
Reality is the space and freedom. Space for all things special and ordinary. I miss space and order. He has all the thought provoking areas of interest of a real home. The colors are rich, deep blue, burgundy, and browns, all used in an artful mix of styles. Oddly pondering here because I would choose many of the same pieces myself. Every room has space for dancing, which I have done naked a few times here now.
Everyone else is watching big screen movies. I am in the other living room on a big brown leather couch; still naked, touching all of ‘his things with my body.
I awoke this morning to the sound of the modem. I swear it is the perfect alarm clock for me! You know I get excited every time I here the perfect connection.
My dreams were vivid awake and asleep because ‘he is on a trip and I am sleeping naked in the master bedroom. There is the possibility he could have come home at anytime. I had spent 6 hours already that night naked in his home without his knowledge. Everyone is used to me being naked when we come stay here. I don’t want to put clothes on here, in this house.
It is not the people around seeing me naked in the yard sunbathing, or running around the big house with big windows which have no coverings btw.
It is the space and atmosphere that draws out my facets. This space sparks my exhibitionist in a feisty way. * All the pussy massages for me to relax and enjoy, just being papered to highs. *
The white leather couch and a 60-inch screen for movies- others are sitting in the chairs and on the floor.
One joins me on the sofa. Everyone is watching a movie, so am I when my eyes are open. I am on the couch on my stomach, with a pillow under my hips and my head. My legs spread wide, there I am being touched inside and out constantly. I moan, open my eyes and see the many eyes on me and the ’s. I close my eyes and smile and say “watch the movie you guys geez”, giggle, wiggle and moan again. The surround sound covers some of my whimpers.
As soon as the movie was over I walked to the master bedroom and turned on the light. HIS clothes, files, and suitcases were still on the bed. WoW he really could come home. I wanted that bed!
-We- cleared the bed and I jumped in the middle and put ‘his pillow under my ass. I don’t know ‘him, but I love his style and I wanted to cum on his bed and pillows. The fact that I come here and stay naked all over his things excites me, and he has no idea. And yes, I came all over the master bed, we fucked madly! I know the others heard my bells and chains clinking at a feverish pace. I listened to the sounds ‘his bed made. I fully enjoyed his headboard, grabbing his oak poles, feeling each one up and down, as I was getting closer to coming. Ahhh my hand finds a broken bar, I think how it must have been broken by ‘him doing what I was at that moment. That moment I came.
My mind was so in this “space”, that after we were spent I jumped up and ran to the pool. Everyone else was still wake and followed me outside. Skinny-dipping after hours of pleasure is the best recovery! Wooo Hooo!
I was the only one naked – still, I didn’t mind and neither did anyone else. They were announcing to me when the pool jets came on, giggles, they wanted me sitting on them. A wind picked up and I went inside, everyone followed me in.
We all watched Eyes Wide Shut, and then everyone went to his or her separate rooms.
I took ‘his room, I love the big space, the many doors and windows all left open, so nice and free. I stood beside ‘his bed and slowly dropped my chains and bells beside his slippers on the floor. I sprawled about on his sheet and fell into a light sleep.
I was dreaming that there was a camera taking pictures of me, while I was replaying in my dream the real conversation I had with ‘him the night before. He was asleep on the phone, I called and he never fully woke up to give my message to his roommate. I listened to him breath, and I spoke quietly to him, softly and sweetly, he spoke back a few times and then I hung up. But in the dream I was having it was phone sex, and I was talking in my sleep, in ‘his bed. What a twist of cosmic ways. With all the dreams: of the snap shots and the discovery of me in his bed, nude, alone and moaning fuck me. In my dream I was saying it, and I know the other people in the other rooms could hear me speaking my mind in my sleep. The rooms are close by indeed.
Awoke by the modem with 5 hours of sleep, I was stiff bodied, yet excited to wake up in ‘his bed. It was 8:30 a.m. I rolled over and moaned loud enough to draw attention to myself, knowing it would work .
I kept my eyes closed and softly said how sore my ribs and back were. The hands of the night before returned to rub my body once again. After a few minutes of morning massage, I smiled, giggled and rolled off the bed and darted to the pool.
Naked morning sunshine, I love it, jump in the pool and by the time I got fully wet the coffee came to me. Everyone was eating breakfast poolside while I skinny-dipped my body into a limber state. After breakfast everyone jumped in the pool with me, but I was the only one naked. We all swam for 30 minutes or so. I spotted the lounge chair and decided to sunbathe Seconds after my body reclined, the hands and oil came to pamper me once again. I was spread out in full view of all in the pool, getting slicked up al over, with oil and such. It felt great inside and out, I didn’t care that everyone was watching me get my pussy satisfied. I was vividly aware of where I was, out in the open space and the freedom of space, as I thought my ass rose in the air and my body twitched repeatedly. I heard the voices in the pool, and felt the sun on me as I came hard, right there in front of everyone. Hell, I needed help getting up off that chair, and an oiled hand took mine, and led me to the master bedroom.
The master’s bed now has oil on the sheets and the headboard, and the wall. I left myself all over his things. He will know some of my essence whether he knows it or not, I will. Here I sit naked in his den loving every naked minute of it.
I am back from being oil girl. Being bent over people spreading glistening oil on nakedness, my ass got a lil bit to much sun! I go to the master bedroom again, everyone is still poolside. I try on things, because they are left out on the bed. You know how I always ask what a mans' favorite pair of pants are? Well there was 501’s in my size, I couldn’t resist sliding him on me, loving how they fit my ass. I went back outside and paraded around showing how good ‘his pants fit me. “Do you have underwear on?” I was asked, I laughed and said no. I got an odd look from the people. I danced off to the bedroom and put them back, knowing how he fit was enough.
Right now I am sitting outside writing and a camera is pointed right at my pussy. So I shall stand up for a few shots. I got up and stood on the table and spread for some close ups, lmao, ok enough sun, my tits are red.
After delivering a few drinks poolside, I return to ‘his bed, laying on my belly, thinking, pen in hand.
I hear the shower turn off and I close my legs, I feel the wet drops hit my back, as he sits on my legs. He is holding them together with his weight. I feel the oil hit my back, sliding down the crack of my ass.
The lower back massage becomes two bodies sliding against each other. At first his hands slide between my tightly pressed thighs. My hips grabbed and lightly lifted, raising my ass in the air, yet tightly holding my legs together.
A breath on my neck touched me at the same time he entered my pussy once again. My pen never left my hand. I was focused.
I go for a smoke and jump back into the pool, knowing its time for me to leave soon. As I enter the main room, in just panties, I pick up my lotion and start putting it on my arms. Hands from behind gently take the lotion and begin putting it on my sunburned back. I defiantly feel the fact that I have panties on as the hands reach my lower back and slowly pull them off……
The story is very telling that my mind is truly not on present, but on what is not there. By saying this I almost ruin the erotica of it..but the psychology of the the story is rich too..
I wrote that day and the next paragraph by paragraph, each hour or so.
Who else was present is everyone who always saw me naked and saw it as no big deal. I was a nudist, they knew it. Its all very true...
Were you ever somewhere so vivid,
At a place so sublime,
You felt you could just reach out
and catch the smoke trails
filtering through light.
I clutch at reality
because dreams feel closer to me.
I placed my lips on your neck, curved away from me, looking out the window
your soft hair stood up but you said nothing,
silent as the green countryside passing by.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know", you said. It wasn't dismissive this time; it had been in the past
when we were still laughing on Princes Street and window shopping like all the other tourists.
Your insouciant smiles soothed that sinking feeling that was beginning to grow in my chest.
It was premature then but it had ripened now. All that careless energy evaporated.
I wanted to look into your eyes but I had to make do with their ghost on the glass, looking not at me
but somewhere else, or some time else perhaps.
Your hand fell on my lap warm and still. For a moment I felt like a man on the execution block
wanting desperately to stretch out time, by some alchemy turn a single moment into an eternity.
The hills no longer racing by but only passing slowly helped fuel my desperate wish.
An electric pre-recorded voice announced what I already knew it would.
You looked at me finally granting my wish. Your big brown eyes like still oceans. I could
no longer sail in them; I was drowning. You smiled a sweet smile and kissed me on the lips.
"Where are you going?"
I was too weak with sadness to embrace you, and I knew you knew. You got up, your soft curls
brushing against my cheek.
I counted your footsteps to the end of the car as if a number could give me power over them.
The train started up again, but I felt emptier than the car I was now sitting in.
A solitary hot tear fell down my cold cheek while I sat watching my Gypsy lover disappear into the distant green hills.
I'm hoping you have no doubts I'm writing this to and about you. : )
Thank you for finally letting me know you know I'm alive.
Just thinking about talking to you makes the butterflies go crazy.
My heart beats then skips a beat when I see you around town and I
swear it's strictly by accident. I'm not actively following you around.
I haven't been to sleep because I'm up thinking about you
but not in the sick and twisted Bardo way of stalking then killing.
I haven't been searching for your address or where you hang
out like that anonymous lunatic posting that on Craigslist forum.
I still want your phone number but only if you want to give it.
You asked the impossible melting snow against weatherman's
predictions and you got this hold over me like I never felt before.
Are you a keeper of unworldly secrets of magic or someone who is
quite lovely and is just plain an extraordinarily special and gifted lady?
I'd like to discover that for myself if you would agree to meet me at
Little Bohemia it's aka Lil Bo's by us locals to hear a Jazz band.
It's a public place and I heard it through the grapevine you popped
in a few times but I can't say that's true, I wasn't there and it's hear say.
Person said you entered alone but didn't sing and it looked like
you were having a good time being a chatty patty and hearing the band.
The more I get to know about you lady the more I want to discover.
You got a wish and mine is not as impossible as yours I'm hoping.
I want in my life a lady like you who oozes confidence when she enters
a room and when she's being chatted up by complete strangers.
I will be in the parking lot watching the door and enter if you enter.
Hoping to see you Friday night and hoping to see that gorgeous smile.
Hoping you agree to meet me but if not I will keep on hoping for that.
We met at a bonfire
it was cold as Antarctica
though talking to you I didn't get tired
though I felt you weren't listening
you just stood there nodding
but since we became friends
you talk a lot more
you're my best guy friend
that I know for sure
but you give awful hugs