i am never good enough
a feeling i have begun
to accept, which sucks
i am not smart
i am not anything
i'm the piece of a pie
left to rot
i will never be
but you will always be mine
I miss our nights,
After the bad ones,
The worst ones.
You found me,
How to roll it.
You were a good teacher,
You made me listen,
You were a good listener,
You made me talk.
So did and do I.
Can't imagine my life with out you, am sitting here at the lake, staring at you face reflection on the water. Your face is everywhere, the happy, smiley, sad, mad and the happy face again face.
You helped me explore my self, you changed me a lot, i met myself right after i met you, no one ever told me how smart i am, even if am not very smart, but at least you said it, and i felt it for the first time.
You tought me how to fight, how to go through shit by my self, you didn't say that, but i learned it from your actions and your view of life.
You always smiled, even when you get really mad, you started the fight and ended, you started the conversation and kept it, you started me and you killed me.
Its been three days, two nights, 72 hours is the total. I'M still awake, didn't blink, am not tired tho, just enjoying the time while am watching a tape of you with all the moments crossing in front of my eyes.
Thank you for everything you'd done,
Thank you for all the encouragement words,
Thank you for finding my real personality,
Thank you for giving me the best moments,
Thank you for all the info. Doses you put in me,
Thank you for being there when no one was,
Thank you for listening to my boredom talks,
Thank you for making me feel like human,
Thank you for EVERYTHING, yes everything.
I have a lot to say, from the deepest part of my heart, but my i can't see nothing, my tears are covering the view. I was thankful for having you, waking up on your texts, maybe calls, but the most feeling your love while your sleeping on my shoulder.
Don't know what else to say, I'M IN LOVE WITH EVERY litters in your name, with every moment i hear your voice, whit every time i see your texts or emails, with every sec I have you in mind.
I don't care what you'd done, its all good, i already forget about it, you do whatever you want, its all good, fight and yell at me, its all good, HATE me, its all good, kill me, hurt me, insult me, fuck me, do whatever you want, its all good. They all were like the heaven, i just knew that.
Ok, am done, words are killing me.
Ok, am done, you're too amazing to be written about.
Ok, am done, I'm serious this time.
I just realized that i had the world between my hands, you loved me like no one else did, you really cared about me.
Excuse my JEALOUSY, it covered most of the view.
Excuse my EARS, i couldn't hear you talking to another guy.
Excuse my heart, made me too stupid to understand.
I just couldn't believe that am having a life after all these years. I thought it's a dream, but i was okay with that, i didn't want to wake up, and i lost you after the pomp that woke me up.
I just understood what you were saying,,,,,,
"Too good too bad" she says.
I LOVE YOU Melanie,
I LOVE YOU,
I ADORE YOU,Melanie
I ADORE YOU
YOU STILL MY EVERYTHING, and the only thing that i prayed every time to keep, but to bad, i didn't get that.
May want what he can't have
His heart may lack
What he desires the most
His smile may hide
His longing or feeling
But it is sin,
So he will hide it all
And pretend to be
"One of us"
He is different
The most terrifying way possible
Let him have what he desires
For we are sinners too
If you don't think it's natural
Please open your eyes
Look outside and see the women
With their legs spread wide open
At one point that would have been "wrong"
But that changes
It all changes
So your mind should too
And accept it
Why do I feel so empty in a house full of humans,
Home would have been my choice of wording if I actually felt welcome,
Is it because I'm gay,
because I eat more than I should,
Is it because I've allowed the demons to take over my mind and grab the blades next to the place I lay my head at night,
Notice I didn't say sleep,
The stress of not feeling like I amount to anything has taken over so abundantly that I can't even allow my self to rest,
My thoughts control me constantly and they dig into my veins,
My own feelings towards myself Retrace the blood that circulates throughout my body,
Your feet have to much width,
Your legs are too thick,
Your stomach is too round,
I fucking know,
I fucking know
Sometimes I think about ending it all,
Should I drown the pain now or wait until fall,
But will pulling the trigger or popping pills truly make matters alright,
Maybe it will open up my fathers mind and make him understand that I wasn't over reacting,
I wasn't fucking over reacting when I told you I needed help,
but you still laughed and told me that if I slit my wrist,
I might as well slit my throat.
The world and it's rough edges
I feel the pain it carries in its heart,
And I can tell you
That it is the best feeling ever
As I believe
That pain is an art.
do not let him fuck you
do not think of all your shameful thoughts
conquests of different parts of you
think of him strutting about the day after and laugh
as you straddle him
laugh because, tomorrow he'll walk down the street
feeling like a man
but tomorrow you will walk down the street
and glow in a way people stop to stare at
because he's wrong, he didn't fuck you
he did not take anything from you
you built him inside you, the same way his mother made him
and you have the power of his mother, and her mother
if he has to search for the man he wants to be
inside of your body, for that man to become
you have a kind of power
no man can take by force
always looking in
feeling distant, unattached,
If we were part of a tragedy
worse than anything
that's happened already,
would it be devastating?
Would anyone cry for me?
Because I feel like I'm always on
Yeah you wish you could
I know better and I'm fine.
Never again so don't even try
To come around here acting like
I'll melt like ice
I laugh, I am past the giddy feeling
It's been years since I fell for your deception
I know more than you wanted
I opened my eyes
Too late? Well isn't that what you wish
Still I ache for yesterday but the future
Is before me.
I am not the fool you wanted
like you wish
In your dreams you fooled me
Was I smarter than you wished I would be?
I was distant on purpose
I feel so hollow because I've had so long to wallow
So they say sing for the moment and sing for the years, even though all I'm left with is a bunch of salty tears
That pool on my cheek and seem to grow with each passing week
I'm trying so hard to get out of this hell
it's like falling down some deep ugly well
And it's so hard to stop feeling this way
when every single person I try to talk to about it says
"Well, maybe it will improve the next day."
So maybe I'll just lay down until I have no movement and wait until the day comes that I see some fucking improvement.
I can hardly wait for you will finally
show me what you mean
& I,... I'll finally submit to your advances.
I get chills when I think of the seconds turning into hours on the couch with wine glasses, cheese and French bread
curled up with a blanket, stroking fingers, breathing in memories lost in moments
I can hardly handle the time slowly ticking, creeping towards the morning when steam rises from ceramic as the clear view of the mountains connects us in a remembrance of euphoia
I can hardly stand the giddy feeling I get imagining our December, when you love me again