When I see you these days
It's not as if I don't feel you
Because I still feel you
In everything I touch
That doesn't feel me in return
When I touched you
I felt it
through the knots on my back
and the cilia on my lungs
that have been singed off by smoke
And when you touch me these days
what I feel most is
all the scars on my body bursting open
As I write my fingers talk.
My mind listens.
My ears talk.
My mouth smells.
My skins tastes.
My eyes feel.
My heart sees
The page I'm filling with words embraces my soul.
The only thing that never derails its proper function inside this case of imperfections, my body.
Bonded to my soul, the only ink that writes for me.
And as I write the words dance to the melody of my insanity.
Creating psychotic musical notes sang only by those who suffer from my same neurosis.
And as I write, we all frolic in this enchanted world of dementia.
And this I write, tomorrow will no longer exist.
In the world others call "reality".
And as I write my maniac self laughs at normality.
To my dear —,
I couldnt sleep last night or focus at all today because I feel it's actually over between us.
I'm not bitter or angry or disappointed anymore because I truly believe and know what we had was real.
Even if it was a long shot away.
With every odd
and with every statistic against us.
We still fought hard,
we fought gallantly.
— if in some distant place in the near or far future we get a chance to actually see each other with our new lives..
I know deep down inside
I will smile at you with the same
smile I always had when I did see you.
will continue to race and beat stronger with joy and I'll remember how we spent our days together, learning from each other,
learning about each other,
confiding our deepest secrets together
and growing in more and more in love.
Your love was my best love,
for it somehow awakened my
soul that was in a deep slumber
and you made me reach for more everyday.
Oh, I remember the first day,
the very first day..
You ignited a fire deep inside my heart that burned with true
to my mind and soul.
That's what you've given me
and that's what
I wish I could of gave back to you.
I wish you all the best now and in the future,
I hope you become everything I know you can be. You are one
I am glad I had the privilege to be in your life.
I'm sorry my passion and my inability to choose to settle drove us apart,
you will always be in my memories,
our days.. though short will be with me always.
I hope you find someone who makes you
that can and will give you everything you want. You deserve nothing but the very absolute best and I want you for me,
as my last favor to believe in what I've told you.
To carry on each day stronger than the last.
Even though I won't know where you are,
or what you're doing...
I'll always know you'll be okay.
I love you,
and I really wish I could say this again and have the next morning with you but here it goes:
I'll be seeing you,
I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places..
I'll be seeing you.
- Yours Now, Later and Always, Tony
Those 4 words that you say
Every time I try to walk away
Hurt more than I can explain.
Its like a knife to my heart
To know I caused you that much pain.
Am I really so bad
That I make you want to die?
I can't help the way I feel.
You say those words
'I want to die'
Because you know what it does to me.
You don't mean it.
I know you don't.
If you really truly meant it
You would have done it already.
And you wouldn't come running to me.
I'm not a part of your little game,
So please, oh please,
Stop putting my name to shame.
I want to write a poem,
but all I can think of
is the lyrics to love songs
that plague my mind
like little insects
I cannot quite make out.
I want to write a poem,
but all I can feel
is a long thorn piercing the place
where my heart use to be.
that there is nothing
in that barren cavity.
I want to write a poem
but all I can do
is sit at this desk
starring at the wall.
no matter what,
I cannot write a poem.
I teaspoon teardrops into a glass vase
Magnifying my soft whimpers
These flowers wilt and die
For nothing can flourish on sadness
As the vase fills up with emptiness
Reaching the breaking point
It begins to bubble on the brim
Catching your eye
Moments before my tears
Flood the tabletop
I feel your hands grip firmly
Around the base, holding tight
Straining to keep the pieces together
As you watch your vase shatter
Into a million pieces
Teardrops falling at your feet
You let go,
And leave the broken pieces of me
For someone else to clean up
I wish I had the words to tell you how you embrace my heart
How the very thought of you warms my soul
I wish you could feel through my spirit so you would know how deep love lies
How you dance through my thoughts and color me beautiful
pull me through time pull me through rips in the universe that my gods scratched with harsh voices
bask in the pale of ignorance and the lack of structure in my words
bathe in my pretentiousness
and look for the beauty
in the small things
the spot on her nose and the way a pine tree smells
scream scream scream because i'm almost something scream scream scream because i can't feel who i am from the inside of myself scream scream scream because i have lost so much i have suffocated a person inside of me scream scream scream
whisper whisper because i hurt myself today whisper whisper because there's ink in my veins now whisper whisper there's purple underneath my nails and it isn't my own whisper whisper whisper
i'm turning my suffering down so i can fit into the lives of others and be comfortable i cannot bare to take up all the space my body wants me too
what will happen?
i will slip under the quicksand and my body will go back to the earth
which is pretty okay all considering I CAN HEAR A CAR SCREECHING I CAN HEAR A LIFE FLEETING I CAN FEEL THE WORLD SPINNING AROUND ME I COULD JUMP OFF I COULD JUMP OFF IF I COULD FIND AN EDGE
I remember when I was at the concert.
I could feel the tsunami of the crowd
As the headliner started.
Nothing to hear but screaming and music.
Electricity shot through the veins of all,
Some intoxicated, some not
we all feel the same musical passion.
The time of excitement was now.
Pit after pit of swarms engulf the crowd.
Sucking in the unexpected but willing.
But to protect a friend,
I was a fortress against the mob.
Listening to the music, the lights flashed.
and from nowhere known,
A natural weapon struck my face.
Turning around, feeling no pain,
But assured of the severity
by the river of blood I unwillingly donated.
Into the washroom, I stumbled.
Blood mixing with the nectar of life.
Outside to the medic I casually waltzed.
Swollen eyes, nose, and disappointment.
Hearing the music from outside the hall,
my heart dropped, I blew the plans of fun.
But never fear, new friends are made.
The blood stops its own current,
and memories are established.
Stories to tell in the future.
We first met two years ago.
I was jealous that my best friend
had chosen you over me.
I hated you for drawing her to you
like Florida draws in tropical storms.
I slowly began to let go of my jealousy
and became friends with you.
I didn't realize that you had the same dreams as I did,
or that we would end up singing duets together on our way to class.
I didn't realize that you were the Flynn to my Rapunzel,
until now, miles apart and absent for six months.
Thank you making me feel good about myself
and thank you for letting me hear your voice.
I can't wait until we can sing together again.