I told yuuh before that,it was over.I'm gone,li
ke the sun!!!..at night,when the moon comes.
Yuuh must not know me,or know how i feel.
I cant tell yuuh axacly what's real.,But i could
let yuuh figure it out for yourself,Give yuuh a
sample ..but for example..the things that yuuh
do,yuuh don't know because..i refuse to tell yuuh!!

In tightly guarded dreams,
I wisked away from you.
A seed once planted,
But never bloomed.

Blue eyes, and my nose,
Your cheeks, and chin,
Bright eyed beauty,
With your stubborness within.

The pink bare skin,
And squinted eyes,
Sniffly nose,
And smell devine,

Fitted mitts over scrunchy fingers,
Gentle rocking putting me to sleep,
Swaddled tightly in my arms,
Listening to my heart beat,

I lay you next to mom(once my love now graduated)
A small kiss while I lay you down,
But only slightly stirring,
When my gruffly face gives you a frown,

I stare completely bewildered,
At my passion for my wife,
The greatest gift she's givin me,
Is the gift of life.

Her beauty simply beaming,
From her sleeping state,
I know I have to kiss her
Before she lies awake.

Instead we are just strangers,
Locked together by a vow,
A question you once asked,
But doesn't matter now.

I never stop loving you,
I never stopped wanting to make it work,
I just need your honesty,
I just need you to be for sure,

Talk to me if you need things,
Like sparks or flames or fire,
Let me be your confidant,
For each and every one of your desires,

You need not search for beauty,
Because you possess it all,
I wish that I could show you,
But you wont here my call,

Please give this a chance,
Its not worth it to throw it all away,
I can help heal your wounded heart,
I can help you want to stay,

Not everything was bad,
Not everything was tired,
Just open up to me,
And we can feel inspired,

I love you Lyss,
Your mean more to me then anything,
I'd pack my bags right now,
If you want to leave.

Hear me please,
Don't just ignore this,
I love you Lyss.

What a sad plea for broken dreams and a child that I lost. I know now that I for sure want kids!

Dear Lord,

I don't feel like I can go on. I'm in so much pain that I am scared of what I might do. I don't want to be locked up in a mental hospital again. I'm desperate. I haven't believed in a long time but please stop my suffering. Every second is a struggle and its getting hard just to function. Please bless my soul that it calms and my heart so that it releases. Give me strength to face this adversity so I don't make a mistake I can't take back. My family, my friends love me and I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to go on please help me look to the future and find happiness in the present. It was really bad this last week. I was too close and I'm affraid I wont always be able to talk myself off the edge. I need you now. Help me sleep, help me eat, help me work so I don't lose my life. This was the first night of many prayers. I'm giving myself to you because I can't trust myself. My family believes in you and I'm now taking their advice so that I can make it day to day. I don't want to think and feel this way.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

At the speed of what we wish
we could muster in our hardest times
as we feel anchored,
The world turns.

With the gumption of a thousand
persons who have let go of the one
that betrayed then unjustly,
The world turns.

With every heart stopped
dead in its tracks in the middle
of what could have been...
The world turns.

And here we are, not passing by all
we have, but being passed by as we are,
Because
this godforsaken world turns.

And I cannot keep up.

Outside the wind strikes up an angry storm
The door falls to it's knees
Faltering
to it's ferocity
"I almost died you know...the pills were all I had ya know"

The bottom sways and the ceiling drips with the flood of a thousand sentences each picked from a
different bag
"The baby, she fine, but, she deserve better"

God bless her heart
Eyes meet
Sharply
Recklessly,
the way Destiny always takes
that one corner
too fast too soon
when we're driving pas the Orange Groves
orange blur
Dammit
before I even had a chance to smell
their elixir
Tongue sways out sloppily
It's okay...it's okay

I go outside to reach
to perhaps
feel
something a little more dangerous
then the doldrums of the same wall
same
tree
same
trash that piles beneath my boots
I'm met
with
growls

Hand shakes loaded with dice
maybe blood
or maybe some fur
Hot
sweat dice
rolling between my fingers
I never smelled those blossoms
Not once
The wind beats at me with it's
own finicky retort
"I was dyin in the hospital, ya know
mah leg was ripped up,
and those pills,
were It man
they were It
man"

The dice slide out of my slippery palms
I'm rewarded with snake eyes and whimpers
the Wind finally dies underneath the fields of your hair
Smoke hits the wall
and curls in and out of your pink daggers

"My baby, she ain't dead, I thank god every day for that
Bless Her tiny heart"

Pink daggers with one triangular eye
resting atop your
bleeding stomach
A perfect red river makes it's way
down your
long fleshy arms
covering the dice that sit loyally
aside your shadow
the dice that
Permanently  remains on
the
Snake Eyes
that never blink

"I thank god every day"

Found this on the Internet. Something I thought you might say.

"You aren’t my friend. Despite what you may have thought, the world does not revolve around you. Your actions are so fucked up I don’t even feel a loss anymore. Frankly, I don’t know why I ever did. Fuck you very much."

You will never understand how much I hurt and hurt myself. You gave that connection up when you walked away. I remember making you laugh just days after you left. That easy air we shared. It doesn't just go away. Maybe you were unhappy but that wasn't because of me. You made a choice way before you decided to leave. I was never the angry type and yes I made mistakes. I've never been through a divorce before. I'm bound to make mistakes. I've ignored some good advice and my parents just want me to move on. I want to grieve. Just let me grieve!!! I miss her, and I don't care if she knows. I don't care if she gets some sort of satisfaction knowing that I'm falling apart because she left. She knows I loved her, that I would have done anything for her. That I would do anything now. I told her often, I tried to show in my own way. I just happen to try to buy the ones I love. It doesn't matter now she's gone. This wasn't some story of two people growing apart. Despite how she might view it. This was her needing more then I could give her. I just have to love her enough to let her move on. When every ounce of your body loves someone and they're just willing to move on it feels like an attack and anger is every mans first response. When someone else wasn't writing your words you were very kind. I miss that kindness. I wasn't ready to hear that your already thinking about other guys and I'm sorry I attacked. I knew exactly what words would hurt the most just like you did too. I won't let you pass the torch to your parents though. I can just as easily ignore them like you ignore me.


she won in the end. I only talk to her dad now. I do this because one day I hope again to be friends.

These fettered motions are weak displays for persistent dreams under half hearted constraints. I fault for wishes despite obvious claims. Declarations and freedom praise. The cold is constant to bitter bones. Frost covering the mirrors and all the tile stones. I sing for summer in a sombre tone. I draw a stick figure portrait of my self in the frozen dew. Losing the moment just for a few. A sun, a flower, and a smile in rememberance of you. You're dead, your body ashes in the pyre. I watched your soul stripped of flesh licked to pieces by the fire. Now I lose myself in honest work til my will and body expires. The air stirs bites of life to my soul. I'M ALIVE AND LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. The tortures faint while I grow old. The tortures faint as I grow old.

Once again I find myself in the same place as the last time she left me. Even less friends and even fewer reasons to live. I've gone in one large circle but now with far less and more responsibility. She's cost me dearly and my heart aches at her thought. I would have died to save her, and gone through hell to make her happy. I guess, where do I go from here, is the question I need to answer? I know, "its not stopping til its over." I feel so juvenile in my pleas. Life is so out of control, in one giant sweep knocking me over and scraping my knees, just to see if I will break. I'm surrounded by her, and she's left me in this waste. She still says she loves me, but who could love a wraith? The essence of our exsistence lies with me. Weeping quite sadly at distant memories. The small such simple things, shopping at the Smiths in South Jordan, the pipes we smoked, the wines we drank, ring like hallow prayers to the tragedies we faced. The loss of our child, the parents divorce, the parents who hurt me, the addictions we nursed. When sickness and pain were cruel companions, we grabbed tightly to each other, now I'm grabbing at nothing. I'm grasping to words like they will save me... I love you Alyssa.

I think I put forth my best foot
And in the dirty puddles of agitation
I walked forth
Sputtering specks of dirt all over my jeans spotless canvas

I think I moved past the winds hollow tunnel of ghastly wailing
I let it bat at my ears
Relentlessly
Until it tired out
Not me
Until it tired out

The purple plums frigid and somber
A scribble amongst gingerly brushed pastels
Of the sky’s fluffy puffery
Pompous
I’m judging you
I’m sickened by the color that’s in these liquor store roses
Liquor store flushed face
Rosy
Scarlet
Torn
And worn
God and
alive
maybe
Something like a bulb in a broom closet
In some uncanny basement
Creaky stairs
Creepy stares
Of an entity that’s ever-present behind your lame back
Curvature stuck, eel spine, ocean swine
Smells’ that burn your nostrils’ hairs
I feel those miscreants on the bus
No our eyes won’t meet
They peeled when we reached the infamous fork on the road
The fork we all faced and I didn’t see yours in the tree trunk’s circles
Liquor store arms
Like waves in your buoyant hair
Chipped tooth
Stranger than what you initially thought
Appendages that once moved with your spaghetti string body
You were the only one left
Flinging with no shame all over the dewy grass that now separates us

I’ll destroy everything that’s bright
So that maybe the grey that’s now your face will shine again on  
The canvas of a world now dingy and feeble
Undeserving of the light it took