I could probably drain myself of tears right now...
I finally, finally got the guts to ask him out.
I've been wanting to ask him out for the longest time, now...
We've gotten so close.
It's kind of like we're best friends.
I thank the good Lord above because he's in my life.
But I guess I was just too late.
She got to him before I could even say "Hey."
Has she filled every thought she has with his image?
Has she dreamed about him night after night?
Has she taken the time to memorize every feature of his harsh, petite face?
But then again,
I don't know for certain.
Maybe she loves him more than I do...
But she's not the one hurting right now.
She's not the one with a million daggers piercing and stabbing her once beating heart.
She's not the one who has to keep wiping away her tears during class.
She's not the one who will never get to feel his warm hugs.
She's not the one who has to watch him with someone else dreaded day after dreaded day.
She's not the one writing this poem...
I don't mean to seem "woe is me" right now,
But I don't know how else to act.
I've been pricked,
And my wound is getting infected.
He doesn't realize just how much I love him.
He really doesn't.
He doesn't know just how many poems I've written about him.
How many times I've thought about the way he walks and the way he talks.
All the dreams I dream,
Each one includes him.
I've probably written "I <3 Daniel" more than a million times in my notebook.
If only I could tell him.
If only he knew how I felt.
Maybe that would change things...
Maybe the egg wouldn't be on my face...
But then again,
Maybe things would stay the same.
Maybe I'd just have two eggs on my face...
Reach for the blade. Its the only thing that can make you feel anything now.
Now that everyone has destroyed what's left of you...
How you will ever be the same again...
Draw it across and watch as the red flows behind it
Again and again, again and again, again and again
Till there is nothing but red
At first its anger, hatred, betrayal
Then it becomes less and less
More of a habit
Till you feel nothing at all
And all you want are the scars and to try to feel, try to be in control of SOMETHING
It is always easier to start than it is to stop
I don’t want to feel like I can’t breathe anymore
I don’t want to feel like the wind feels
When it tries to pass over a vent in the sidewalk
I don’t want to smell like other people anymore
I don’t want to wake up with the scent
Of thirteen-dollar cologne and sweat
Sticking to my skin like starfish to the bottom of the sea
I don’t want to be reminded of my empirical downfall
When I haven’t any sleeves to cover myself
And I can look down and see the canal of flesh
That was left behind after trying to rot it away
I don’t want my mouth to taste like coffee,
Smoke, vomit, and bad wishes anymore
My eyes are burning and my throat is sore
And now glass is bursting in the small of my back
I am living inside of an invisible box
And the walls are closing in quickly
And I’m starting to forget how to breathe again
-Part 3, December 9th-
My True love.
She entered my life at random, miscellaneously speaking with her about her beauty, injecting more flirtation, as is my way.
Then one day I started to stress. The woman I was trying to court, the one with the gorgeous name too beautiful to be spoken, I was falling for her. Far too quickly. And I needed to let her know, I needed to advance the relationship.
I was panicking. I don’t know why, but, I chose a girl at random, the most beautiful I could see at the time, and I began to ask her advice. I wanted to know from a beautiful woman’s perspective what I should do.
She, Belle, told me I should just walk straight up to her and kiss her right on the face. The thought of it made me turn red with embarrassment. It was such a bold move, could it work?
I asked if she was serious, and sure enough she was. This (at the time) blonde woman I chose at random was telling me to march right up the this girl I was head-over-heels for, and kiss her.
I never did. But for some reason, I fell in love with Jami Belle. I still feel guilty for leaving the gorgeous name behind, but, this woman, was something more.
She sent me a preposterous photo of her making this awfully crude face akin to a duck. And my heart melted. This drop dead beautiful girl I don’t even know just exposed herself in one of the most vulnerable poses I’ve ever seen. I loved her. I wanted her. And I told her.
I didn’t pull my usual bullshit and just, try to manipulate her into being in a relationship with me. I told her “I’m falling for you, Jami.”
The next couple weeks were spent wooing her. Constant messaging. Exchanging of truths and flirtations. Then one day, I was sitting in a park, surrounded by amazing music, perfect weather, and I told her “I’m sitting here, surrounded by beautiful people, and I can only think of you.”
I think that’s when she fell for me. Thank god. My chest exploded every night thereafter.
The next two months were spent in love. Complete love. Kissing and snogging and exchanging the most sacred of ourselves to each other. Promises. Embraces. Comfort. True love.
She was in my dreams, almost every night. I loved remembering those dreams. She was my everything.
We had some bumps, who doesn’t? She left me for a bit, we kissed and made up. She told me she couldn’t be rid of me. I melted.
-Note here, This isn’t some shitty teen drama. This may legitimately be the rest of my life.-
Time passed, we were good again. I told her, I asked her “Will you marry me someday?” She made sure I heard her yes.
I ended up with some jewelry for her, A red beaded bracelet and a ring of steel woven like a Celtic knot. I suppose I was a planned promise ring.
He and I... Started to go downhill. As the temperatures dropped, so did both of our emotions. We both seeped slowly into depression and neither knew what to do.
She lives many many miles away. Some nights I lay awake thinking that if she were just a little closer, it could have been better, but no. We both seeped lower.
I couldn’t get her my gifts. She couldn’t get me hers.
We slowed talking. Soon neither of us had anything to say.
She began to ignore me. I can’t blame her; life was terrible, and nothing could be said.
I was terrified of her. She could break my heart, my will, my name and my power at any given moment; through ignoring me, or responding curtly. I was horrified of what we had become.
This didn’t feel like the tru love it once was.
Eventually I became convinced that our love was dead. I was in shambles. I cried a little every day thinking of it, deciding if it were true.
Then an influential figure of mine got me to begin speaking on the subject. Soon, I poured every detail I cared to tell to him, about how I felt, was feeling and all of it. I cried so hard, I don’t know how to describe. I was hysterical. This was the worst I’d ever felt. And it was my fault. I was deciding to end it (with the major influence of this figure I was speaking with). He told me he was shocked, not thinking I was that deeply in love. Me said how he hadn’t felt a heartbreak, a TRUE heartbreak like this until he was in his 20s. I was only 16.
I poured the water. I decided.
It must be dead. She didn’t love me anymore.
I needed closure. I wrote to her, telling her things I shouldn’t have. Absolutes about our relationship, our present, and our future. I spoke to her of her strength, her perfection, how she will always be wanted and loved. It was impossible not to.
And I walked away. I tried to grow. I tried to learn.
I put bandages on my wounds. They began to heal. And scar. Scar deeply.
I got to the point where I could finally flirt with girls again. They jumped on that train and took much of a liking to me. It was nice to feel the attention again, but every time I did, I could really only remember the compliments and sayings and kisses Jami gave to me.
I was still in love.
I was trapped in a purgatory. I had said goodbye, forever; but my heart screamed for her.
Then the astounding happened. She texted me. “Marshall?”
I began to pour water from my eyes and sob silently. “Jami, I need you,” I screamed to myself.
It was slow. There were a lot of revelations between both of us. Truths, some great, others... destroying, obliterating. But she was back. She loved me.
I loved her.
Always, and forever.
The most gorgeous, the most perfect woman in the world. Mine.
I tighten both my glove straps
My stomach curls with butterflies and nervous cramps
I practice my strike, and feel a rush of power
Just as I straighten my tie and adjust my flower
Me and my partner step up and bow
I sweat a little, because I've never danced and I don't know how
The whistle blows and we take our stance
The music starts and we begin ro dance
My partner throws the first punch, straight to my nose
I swerve her around and avoid stepping on her toes
I turn around, fkip kick to the chest
Everyone stops to watch because we look the best
He stops breathing, another kick to the head.
The music stops but we keep dancing instead.
He goes to his knees, then flat on his back.
She says it was fun, we should do it again, I've survived both attacks.
You remind me of the window
You remind me of a mirror
I want to get drunk and
That ever happened
I want to get drunk and
Live life that way
Happy and meaningless
Why did you touch me
Why did you even look at me
I was never yours
You aren’t even yours
But I am mine
I need more alcohol
To wash away things
That weren’t supposed to be my problems
That weren’t supposed to happen
I can still feel you on my skin
I don’t know who I’m talking about anymore
Is it you or you
Or is it me
Please get away from me
Wait no please
Wait no you’re a coward
And I am strong
I can pretend at least
Why don’t I mean anything to anyone
What did I do in a past life
That poisoned me in this one
I must have killed a man
I used to do so many nice things
I used to make my parents proud
I used to be able to count the ones I loved
On many hands
And those I hate on one
It’s switched now
What happened to me
I’m falling apart
Or maybe I have already fallen apart
Maybe you’re just the last piece
You are the last switch
To be flipped
Then I lose
I Took You For Granted
Being in a relationship can be so complicated.
I'd assume that's why I'm not in them most often.
But this boy was sweet, and I had liked him a bit.
So I gave it a go, even though I hadn't dated in over a year.
And to be honest, I had no idea what I was doing.
What am I supposed to do, act, say?
It had been a while.
And maybe I was the one who caused us to fall to ruin.
Maybe it was my lack of knowlege or experience
that led to our downfall.
You were fine. But I was not.
You wanted to hold hands, to hug, snuggle, and kiss.
I didn't feel so comfortable with all of those.
Although I liked talking to you,
I didn't feel that click.
And when I closed my eyes,
I evisioned the road of years through my life.
I thought of my wedding and who I would be with.
And... I didn't see you.
The man by my side was still fuzy,
I guess I hadn't met him yet.
But you, I couldn't envision and future with you.
So then I had a thought,
It would only be logical to end this,
What was the point in continuing
if I knew it was inevitablly going to end.
My friend has often told me that
I'm the "emotionally attached" one.
I rely on my feelings.
And I think there is truth to that.
I didn't feel any emotion that sparked
meaning within me when I was with you.
So I ended it. And you asked to still be friends.
That's fine with me. Friends is good.
But I've noticed since then,
you haven't paid me no mind.
Haven't talked to me in particular,
or directly to me at all.
I saw you, but you were distant. You still are.
You talked with any girl but me.
And it's hard to just suddenly get used to that.
One day, I saw you before and after
every single period at school.
You always made the effort to talk to me,
to rub my hands, or scratch my back
when you could tell I was stressed.
Then the next day, you were gone.
I knew your schedule and
what classes you'd be in at a certain time.
It's like the phrase "so close, yet so far away"
That seems the perfect description for it.
Because you were right there,
where I could walk up and talk to you,
but you turned around, and walked away.
I see you talk with those girls and I wonder,
Does he not miss me at all?
Am I so easy to replace with just another girl?
Do I hold no signifigance whatsoever?
And I begin to realize, I miss you.
I miss how large your hand was and
that it practically swallowed mine.
I miss being able to lean against you
and aimlessly doze off.
I miss your humor and the
small compliments you'd always give me.
No boy had ever spoke so sweetly to me before.
It's not that I feel we should get back together.
I did the right thing. I was not happy in our relationship.
But I'm still not happy now that it ended,
and aprubtly at that.
I just wish you would talk to me.
Say something. Anything.
Walk next to me in the hallway so
I won't be alone.
Look into my eyes with yours,
as if you could speak that way.
I just wish you wouldn't ignore
my presence completely.
And it's now that I finally realize,
I took you for granted.
I am afraid.
I am afraid because I am here
And I want to walk away
But instead I am right here.
I sit here.
Do I sit here?
I think I'm doing it
Just to see how long I can.
It's like holding your fingers over a burning candle
To see how long you can stand the heat
Before your skin blisters
And you pull away, defeated.
I sit still.
I always sit still when it hurts.
I think stillness
Started a few years ago.
When I first hit the ground
I was afraid to breathe.
It was like I had been dropped from a high bridge onto a concrete sidewalk
And I knew
Knew beyond any doubt
That things were broken.
Things inside were very very broken.
Things were splintered and punctured,
And if I moved, even to draw a breath,
I would bleed out right there.
I think that's when the stillness started.
And now whenever I am hurt
Whenever something hits me
I go still as stone
Except for shaking hands
That flutter, fragile and white, until I clasp them tight together.
The world moves around me
But I stay still as death
Not even daring to breathe
As if I will be found
As if I will tear apart into a million shreds of wasted paper
And drift to the floor.
I stay so still my muscles ache.
I never cry.
I can't cry.
I just sit there and feel how peculiar the sense of damage is.
How odd it is to be full of explosions and debris whipping around inside
An utterly motionless body.
And part of me, even as I feel
With how much I know I'd die if my body betrayed my anguish in real injury
Part of me looks on from above,
With a detached analysis
Of this and that
Of just where I feel this blow
And this stabbing pain,
Of just how each moment changes me.
I freeze like ice outside
And burn like hell inside.
It is the most curious sensation in the world
And I hate it so much I would die to escape it.
And yet when it comes upon me
I do nothing
Nothing at all.
I say nothing.
I turn to stone, part by part,
Like I'm being submerged in drying cement
And finally my lungs
The top of my head
Until all that is left
Are my eyes
I am paralyzed
And I look out on a world in motion
Moments before I was a part of the rhythm like a heartbeat
But that was moments ago,
And we all know how much can change in just a moment.
When I am stone
You can come at me with a chisel
And I will say nothing.
Bang bang bang
And little chunks come off
A shard of my cheek
A finger at the joint
The swell of my collarbone,
They crumble when struck
But I can't move an inch.
I sit still.
I always sit still.
My stillness is the waiting.
It is the wish
It is the craving
Hot and metallic
To do something
To slice away how much I hate my own helplessness.
It is knowing that there is a relief
Besides just being saved.
There is a way to save myself
From this chaos inside
A way to feel better
My stillness is the resistance
The longing and the "No, I can't."
The firm denial
Cold as ice
Hard as granite.
Is it strong to let the world dismantle you by the inch
When you know you could get there first?
Is it strong to sit and take take take
And do nothing whatsoever?
Is a statue strong
Or is it just
Every year at Christmas
The tree goes by the wall
I drag the damn thing from downstairs
And I tug it down the hall
The lights go up with tinsel
The ornaments and star
Then I go downstairs and knock one back
Behind my little two tap bar
I've done it now for forty years
Each year, the tree and lights
The tinsel and the ornaments
To brighten up the nights
The cards I get go on the wall
No baking do I do
I go downstairs and have a drink
Sometimes I might have two
The kids, not here, they have their lives
I get a call on Christmas Day
It's far to far to come out here
And there's just no room to stay
The boys have hockey, the girls as well
So they won't be coming soon
They play their first game at three
So I get their phone call right at noon
I put my little Cornish hen
In the oven for my meal
I've got some frozen veggies
And a Christmas Cracker for the "feel"
I sit alone at Christmas
I watch the telly, have a beer
It's not the same with out you
It's not Christmas, you're not here
Still every year the tree comes out
I put it where you'd say
We'd move it at least fifteen times
Until it found a place to stay
I drag the decorations out
I've not yet bought something new
I'm here alone at Christmas
With my memories spent with you.
july 1st, 2010
when your eyes met mine
for the very first time
i could not breathe
and every look at you
that i stole
made me feel like
i was alive
for the very first time
july 21st, 2010
i found you again
i steal your eyes
pin them with mine
there is someone between us
but it is as if he was not there
you leaned on me
and i leaned on you
and there was love
hanging in the dusty air
january 15th, 2011
i see your eyes
they crave mine
they whisper to me
"run away, run away"
i see your eyes
and they crave mine
and i do not know
what will come of this
but i do know
may 13th-14th, 2011
your eyes are begging me
and mine are pulling you in
your brain pushes away,
but my heart emanates
a force so strong that
you come to me in the end
june 16th, 2011
this is heaven
this is bliss
this is everything
i ever imagined
you are everything
did i die
and then came
two years of
ups and downs
and side to side
we are everything
at the same time
we fight too much
and make up too quickly
no one was ever as lucky
as i was
to have you
in my heart
love is dead
and i am too
september 19th-22nd, 2013
here we are
trying to start anew
we try and try
but the passion
cannot be replaced.
the eyes that once tugged at mine
seem so empty inside
the eyes that shone with love
now barely spark
and now it is december
and i'm trying to remember
the days whir by
one after another
here we are
and we are still
we can kiss
when i look into
all i see is
all i taste is
all i want is
but all i feel is