I'm staring at walls and hiding away.
Breathing to fast for a normal day
Yet at the same time I can't breathe
As I stare at the test in front of me.

Life can take you in unplanned ways,
And leave you hanging with only a few days.
And here I ask you, who am I?
To choose between death and life?

I'm seventeen, I'm too young to make this choice,
To silence another soul and bury down their voice.
But as the seconds tick on by
And as I feel my eyes dry

I think of how hard it would be
If there was something growing inside of me.
That "Just one time" was probably enough.
And that even protection isn't so tough.

No matter how far I reach
Your tiny hands are too far from me,
And I want to hold you in my arms
And protect you from all world harms.

I want to wipe away your little sorrows
And hold you for every tomorrow
And lift you up above my head so high,
That you could take flight in the sky.

And when I look into your eyes,
The color of midsummer skies,
I'll be looking into his too.
Because love gave his eyes to you.

And our little family would fight along
And we'd have to find a way to be strong.
School would be a dying dream.
More jobs would magnetize me.

And I love you, I love you, I really do.
But it's much too soon for me to have you.
And there's still a minute until the end of the test.
And I can't find where I lost my breath.

Baby, be patient, you'll be here one day.
But if I want what's best for you, I can't let you stay.
And I'm sorry for ever doing wrong,
But my love for you is much too strong.

I'm staring at walls and hiding away.
Breathing to fast for a normal day
Yet at the same time I can't breathe
As the test says "No - " in front of me.

you said you were the man
who fell in love with a star
and you couldn't understand how
a mere mortal
could fall in love with something so far away

maybe I am a star
but stars have no substance
I am nothing but chemicals
so big, so bright
so distant, so empty

here I am, adrift in orbit
of a black hole
of illness and self destruction
dark, haunting
waiting to suck me in

you wonder how insignificant you must be
to all of us above
but I think you look quite
enormous
and it makes me feel small

don't come closer, dear
or you'll burn
and if you wait long enough
maybe it'll be time for me
to burn up, too

I feel trapped by these dark heavy clothes. Dreams of nakedness overwhelm my brain, like the waves pass over and over again on the white sandy beaches.  My brown skin glows in the sun like an amazonian running free, like the raging river. Teeth so white peak out from my tanned lips to speak words pure and beautiful. Black hair that flows the curves of my hips and the sultry whispers of the wind. I got feet, that stick to the ground like roots of a tree reaching up, stretching to kiss the humid sky.  I got these legs that carry me on this beautiful land. South America I say in your ear. I have passed the beauty to you now.

There is this bare stalk in my backyard. With upraised branches, all dried,  painted in contrast to the lush greenery all around: sometimes, I feel, like the branches of a swirling bolt fulminating against dark, brooding, boding skies.

I have seen three seasons pass by. This stalk has remained bare. All around, trees have gone from withering to flowering and onward. This one though, stands constantly poignant, almost embodying pathos, endlessly mourning.

Insects - termites? ants? I don't know, but I see they have covered large parts of the stalk. Raised to the skies, like an enigma, a puzzle thrown to the distant stars veiled by the firmament. Yes, I know this slow death that sustains life.

Yes, I can relate to it. It is like this pain that haunts my soul. Like the song of the smudged moon on a misty night, sung to uncaring, asleep worlds. After skies weep out their agony, the music of the last tears dripping off tips of drooping leaves.

(the story of a destined love) 4/3/13

The castle stood on a mountain so high, that its tips touched the sky
And as she ran across the field, every fiber of her being she could feel.
The excitement building up in her like a thunder storm cloud
Ready to explode “ and her love would begin to unfold.”

Struggling to climb up that steep hill, with just her determination and her will.
Breathlessly she scrambled with her hands and feet
Just to reach that mountainous peak
With her fingertips torn and bruised, “ but this was a fight she would not lose.”

Reaching the top of the mountain the ground leveled off
Her determination the “queen “her heart the “boss”.
She walked towards the castle and the draw bridge came down
And the doors swung open, where thousands of hearts were found.
She walked in amongst clapping and cheers, as her heart melted
And lost any fears.
There in the center of this beautiful chamber stood the man of her desires
Who from a distance had lit up her fires?
They walked towards each other with outstretched arms and gleams in their eyes
Their searches were over as their hearts opened wide.

louis rams :

There was something in the last breath
the thanks for death, the end of suffering
dehydrated, torn apart, a feast for flies
before the decision the gaze of the eyes
begging for mercy,  please help me to die

There was something in the drop of the knife
a blast of energy, a transfer of life
the deers spirit hit me, on the way to the light

She's right there... --My friend I mean

She doesn't have much to say but I can hear you now

Grey innocents in lieu of child-hearted tragedy...

I'm sorry.

I never knew you had made these plans for me now

Could you find it in your heart to condemn your love for me?

Just this once?

Fading white I feel we may never stray past this point...

As though when I turn the page the story you had tried to show me will be lost

Alas...

What have I now but a passing traveler's blessing??

Running down... Behind the curtain and onto the floor. Coming in from the cold and into the shimmering light...

She's beautiful isn't she?

With an outstretched hand taking mine in your own

This soothing embrace is cooling me, bringing me down -- Taking me in

I never meant to hurt you this way

Can you ever forgive these black thoughts of mine??

Pulling away I must disband these beliefs I had once held sacred

I must cast them aside!

Moving forward.  To grow.    Be free.

...Or just float away

Till there is nothing left...

But friends best forgotten.

A soft kiss on the lips in the moonlight,
that was my end,
I lost all my sanity from a brush of your lips,
It was a great night...
All I dream of is that kiss,
All I think of is that kiss,
I still feel the electricity from the kiss,  
I still smell the cologne from your neck,
I still see the fireworks from the sensations,
I will never forget that.

A soft kiss on the lips in the moonlight.

She sits in the hospital bed
Anxiously awaiting the news
As the doctor looks between the legs of her newborn child
And the mother cries as she finds out
Whether her baby is a girl of a boy
The sister of the mother calls up the father
She wants to know what kind of toy to buy
For the newborn, blue or pink
It all depends on whether it is a girl or a boy
First day of kindergarten lunch in hand
Backpack on back I enter the class
First activity of the year kids get divvied up
Based off of whether we are a girl or a boy
During the snack break we can go and use the restrooms
Two huge doors with signs that tell me
Which one I should use
It depends on whether I am a girl of a boy
Summer comes and because I ‘m in 5th grade
I am finally old enough to go to sleep away camp
Camp Jihuaga is on a beautiful lake
With miles of land divided into two main sections of cabins
Which side you’re on is based off of whether you are a girl or a boy
Middle school arrives, first dance of the year
All my friends had dates but nobody had asked me
So I set out to find my own date
But they laughed at me and asked
Whether I was a girl or a boy
High school, first day, second period, phys ed
I exit the locker room into the gym
And see a big barrier moving across the middle
And she side I got stuck on reminded me
Of whether I am a girl of a boy
Finally I decide it’s time for me to get a job
So I put together my resume and picked up an application form
I filled everything out perfectly fine
Until I was left with just one question
The paper sat there and asked me
If I am a girl or a boy
And I sat there I hovered and I realized something terrible
All my life I had just automatically assumed I was a girl
There were social conventions set up
A path for me to follow
Since before I had even left the hospital
And because of that I had never stopped and thought
About whether I am a girl of a boy
And I looked at that paper my hand moved back and forth
From each of the choices and I thought to myself
I know I’m not a boy
I’ve known that all my life
But I don’t think I’m a girl
Cause that just doesn’t feel right
And I felt like I’d been lied to for my entire life
All these signs on bathroom doors asking me to pick my choice
Of whether I am a girl of a boy
After a few days of thinking
And a good nights sleep
It cam to me in the shower
As does everything really
But I figured it out
Turns out I’d been looking in the wrong places
Trying to find where I fit in the spectrum of gender
Because I knew it was possible
To be neither a girl nor a boy
So I looked in between
At all of the possible combinations
Of girl and boy and boy and girl
And all of the gender queer and non binary identities
But what I had to do was step out of the boxes
First I stepped out of the box that enclosed the gender binary
Opened myself up to a whole spectrum of genders
Then I stepped out of that box
The one incloseing gender itself
And found a home in the lack of
So next time someone asks me
Whether I am a girl or a boy
I will look them in the eyes
And proudly say I am neither
I am agender