I know I'm not perfect
In fact I'm far from it
I know I'm not the best looking
In fact I'm not at all
But I'm better than most right?
I hope I am
I do my best
And then some
I do all I can
And then some
I know my life is fucked up
I know my family is to
But I'm different from them
I really am
I'm not perfect
In any way
I'm defiantly not the best looking
But I do treat you better
And care more
Than most right?
Why shan't thou answer to me?
Emburse yourself until wholly submerged in my unholy divergence
Poor form tormented soul
Roll your pain in a j dipped in chloroform
Embrace my urges to purge the remnants of sanity
Spilling and screaming profanities at humanity
Confuddling all posers with my bastardized prose
Please, continue badgering and nagging me
with your buttfucking menagerie of trivial drudgery
I'm in misery go ahead and bludgeon me
Square in the noggin
So I can jog it while juggling nails from my coffin
Cancer-ridden addler babbling mad adages
Scoffing jealous skeptics -
Contort your face in ghastly panic
as I unleash dastardly antics of pandemic proportions and skullfuck you
Candid, my penchance enchants
Heavy-handedly in animated suspension
Supplant reality augmentation
Ramifications of my imagination
Implicating anal ransacking
and seafaring through crab infestations
Wreaking havoc and bequeathing vengeance
I'm a fire breathing grim reaper reaking of reefer
Off is the nearest direction in which to fuck
Dissect my erection with your tongue
Turnt up humping plumpies in the rump
just for the fun of it until I erupt
Remember i'm avid for dismembering appendages
I expect you're exceptional at accepting a barrage of septic bombardment
chance of success: logistics analysis zero percentage
Superbly superlative and speculative
So fast on adderal I make the Mad Hatter's head spin
Quicker than you can snap
Giving your family heart attacks
Smack you in the face
While fapping my fabulous lap rocket
thunderously plundering under covers
Springloaded with faux pas' so hot
Make your mother's pussy pop out and say hello
Foxy grandmas jaxing off my cock -
Bingo wings beckoning me
More fellatio; fucking head explodes
Slathered with double entendres
My passages smooth as laxatives
Brain grinding like acid
Bombastic fat bitches making my dick go flaccid
Valuable disparaging slut butts malleable like putty
Barbarically barrel rolling into dat ass
rip it to shreds like confetti
Power Pole extend
Face pressed into your panties
Inhaling the wafting aromatic stenches
of distant French fish factories
If nose goes go slow grow low
Throwing those yoloing hoes out windows
This shits simply bonkers
I conquer fear me
Clearly getting dome from your dearly betrothed
Now she bridal and my seeds spiraling virally
Vital signs finalizing
Bounce that ass like jello
Swell; I'm in your hair like gel
Now swallow my jollies and don't bother
Unless you hollerin and giving me dollars
Zealots idol my harlotry
BITCH DON'T HARSH MY MELLOW
SWEAR I'LL MARSH YOUR MALLOWS
Timothy Baxter: An intellectual genius with the emotional intelligence of a five year old
so thank you for these closed lips
and thank you for the impeccable hair line
thank you for the one too many thoughts keeping me up at 4 AM
thank you for my 5'7 stature
and thanks for all the self-loathing
thanks for the rent
and thanks for making me love hating responsibility
Mary Hartley Baxter: not one who came from white picket fences and Sunday drives. A giver. A lover. A control freak
Thank you for these psyche wrecking nerves
the bowling ball taking up permanent residence in the pit of my stomach
Thank you for teaching me how to treat women
and thank you for the stubbornness which allows this arrogance
thank you for keeping my feet attached to planet earth
while my head sails among the billowing clouds
for telling me how handsome I am
thank you for teaching me what it means to be in a family
thank you for letting me be a loser sometimes
Harry J Baxter: the heroic coward with a funny joke in bad taste and the right words for the wrong times
anti hero of a story nobody else is aware of
thank you for abusing all those pesky substances, they surely deserved it
thank you for the black lungs
thank you for speeding down dead end lane at five hundred miles an hour
thank you for remembering your helmet
thank you for saving all the words we never said to those we love
thank you for hiding from the unknown to avoid the scars of failure
thank you for getting those scars anyway
just so we knew what they felt like
thank you for the writer's block.... You motherfucker
but in all seriousness,
thank you for building up your tolerance to beatings
because they will continue until morale improves
It's a strange place - the real world - monsters lay in wait in every shadow around every corner
and yeah, you aren't the human being 2.0
but you're prepared enough to board up the windows before the hurricane
and Mum, Dad,
I can talk all the shit in the world
but all of it would be empty
because for as fucked up as I am
as fucked up as you both certainly are
we've made it this far
and god damn it
I can't see our sun setting anytime soon
so my naturally adapted cynical sarcasm behind me
Thank you for loving me no matter what
even when the well was so dry love was hard to find
Divorce tears us apart. This is my testimony.
Tell me, can you understand how it feels, to hear your mother bawling, crying out every ounce she has within her? Heaving with sobs into the telephone late into the night?
Can you tell me how it feels to listen to your father's voice crack and break down to near tears during supper prayer?
To see tears sting pink in your father's eyes as he watches you leave, not to return for 3 months?
Tell me. How it feels to not have a home. To bounce from one friend to the next? Not knowing what in your life is solid? What is not?
I experienced true pain. I wast lost. I wanted the hurting to stop. Just stop.
I searched. I looked for that concrete to lean on.
And yes, I found it.
I realized the only sold rock in my life was God.
Always loving, compassionate, trustworthy, merciful, and most importantly, forgiving.
I thrust my life into his hands, he took it.
He lead me through the divorce, the tears, the depression.
And after 6 months, he healed my family.
I can happily say my parents are more in love than ever now.
All because of the loving Jesus Christ.
He died on the cross for us. For you.
As he was whipped, and beat, hanging my mere nails through his hands.
As he slowly died, and as tears streamed down his bloody cheeks, He thought of YOU.
He thought of how He created you. Special, unlike anyone else in the world.
And he thought of how he was taking all your sins away. Because He loves you.
He accepted that pain, that punishment.
For that is the ultimate punishment. Separation from Him.
He wants the world to experience His love.
He wants us to be disciples of his word.
If you knew, the secret and key to eternal life, tell me you would spread the word. To the world.
He doesn't want you to suffer. He wants the pain to stop.
He wants you to become lost in his unending love.
He can change your heart, he can change others hearts.
Your life will change.
No doubt it will not be easy.
But when is life easy?
Please, accept his Word, ask Him into your heart.
Tell Him that you understand that you have sinned.
For it is not an accusation, but merely the truth.
He never looks down upon us.
All sin is the same in his eyes.
But He will forgive you.
Forget your past,
and guide you hand in hand through your struggles.
Until you reach the end.
Ultimate glory. An eternity with Jesus.
Free of pain, free of hate, free of judgement.
There was a time when I wanted nothing but to be your forever
to wake up every morning to the warmth of your shoulders against mine
to have coffee at dawn while your favorite soccer team is playing on TV
to sit on your lap and fall against your strong chest, tipping my head down to the crooks of your neck like puzzle pieces snapping into place
to have conversations about life, about death, about matching tattoos, about travelling the world, about us
to fantasize about the future and then laugh so hard at how ridiculous we sound
to hear your raspy voice at noon when the air is clear and cool and silent, save for the birds to whistle around the tall trees
There was a time when I wanted us to be forever.
"forever and always," you like to say after every fight we have
Until I learnt about the sad truth
about whom you really are behind that façade
about who you weren't
You know me better than I know myself
You know every little secret from my dad's family to the cuts around my thighs
You know every little flaw that I try to hide
and I thought I was lucky because someone finally cared about me
but when everything turns cold and bitter that night in November,
you saw that as a chance to break me down
to use my insecurities against me
you lead me into the falsest sense of security
with every I'm sorry and I love you
just to cover what is wrong
After long tired nights of pacing back and forth,
I finally realized I deserve better
I deserve so much more
Thank you for loving me and showing me that I have so much more love to give
Thank you for teaching me what I'm really worth
Thank you for forgetting me
Thank you for letting me go
In the presence of giants, I puff out my chest and stand tall
It all depends on what you believe is true
When the doctors put on their crow masks
and tell you that you'll be dying soon
you'll feed the vultures
and stand on the shoulders
of giants big and small
you let the world fall
on a hinge we awake trembling over what we think we know is true
on a whim we take a ride to an irrelevant place to waste precious time
Death and Sin make an ever so adorable couple
until you learn about the family history
If it's all the same, I'll take a number
I'll let it stay a mystery
They wonder what's wrong with me
I always say nothing
They can't control me
Or my life
I'm done with them
He has been gone 15 years
Shows up like nothing happened
Wants to control me
Tell me to leave her
Because she has a baby
Sorry I'm not not like him
I will never abandon her
I hate you
Stay out of my life
Stop with the self pity bullshit
Nobody gives a fuck
Your a bitch to everybody
And you wonder
why your losing you kids
Why they are turning against you
Because you a pill popping bitch
I was a kid
You stole money
from a kid
Well I'm not your kid
Tina is my mom
Hg is my dad
I have a family
But you and Jason
You wonder what's wrong
Well here you go
But you'll do like always
Just take some pills
And pass out in your bed
So you know what
Fuck you both
Your not my family
I hate you both
My family is
And her baby
That's my family
So you can
Get the hell out my life
Before I make you
Ask me anything.
My soul is yours to inspect with your finger-tip-tapping on flat-screen cell-phone, I phone, you phone and I’ll say, ask me anything.
Ask me if I cry myself to sleep at night and I’ll say, "...maybe."
Ask me if I like that boy and I’ll fake smile at you through computer screens,
Hiding whatever true feelings I have left to cling to.
Ask me if I think I’m beautiful, and I will respond with a detailed analysis of everything you have ever convinced me is wrong with my body and my appearance. I will tell you that I need some thinspiration, that I’ve really got to hit the gym more than three times this week, and I really shouldn’t take sugar with my coffee.
Ask me if I’m friends with Sarah, or Michael, or Brittany;
I’ll cringe as I type out forced words of admiration, knowing they’re together laughing curses at their phones reading whatever I have to say about this question.
Ask me if I fucked the quarterback of the football team, saying you heard it from someone who heard it from everyone else and I’ll respond a quiet “no...,” fingers and arms shaking, knowing full well I’ve never been more involved with a boy than ballroom dancing in the eighth grade that I’m too afraid of letting anyone in, let alone into my body, after the hands of a family friend went a little too far and got a little too friendly.
Ask me if I have any friends. At this point, I’m not sure how to answer you. I thought I had a friend in you and all the rest but a rogue rumour wrecked it all and now none of you are rushing to my side to help me back up from the fall.
I thought I’d have a friend in myself but it seems that I’ve lost faith and have found no reason to love who I have been to molded be.
Ask me to do the world a favour. Ask me to get lost. Ask me to cut my veins open and watch them bleed. Ask me if I like the taste of bleach. Ask me if I have a rope and chair handy. Ask me to die.
I’m sorry, I won’t be here to answer you.
This sounds much better read aloud. Maybe I will post on youtube or something. Not sure. We do poetry slams in creative writing class and I think I'll present this, seeing as it actually has some emotion.
Dear King ,I used to call
You were never the bravest of them all
You left without a word
And with no gift in return
Remember your little princess?
You said you loved and never let go
Well,after you got a new one
She's only bear with pain and sorrow
What about your precious prince
That one day is going to take your position?
Well he sure is going to be a better King
By leaving him,he was only strong and determined
The old queen,she didn't know what to do
Her heartache continues
for she worked for the both of them
Well King?How is your life with the better wife?
Is it nice , is it wonderful?
Is it like the Fairytale you want to come true?
Is it worth letting your old family go?
Is it worth the scars on your little princess?
Is it worth the burden the old queen had?
Is it worth making the Prince a knight?
For all we know it wasn't his fight .
It was yours my king, you left
It rains everyday in my kingdom
No more sunshine and daisies
It's not your problem anymore though
Because you left my king
I hope you're doing alright
Because everytime I look at the other princesses
They look up to their king
They say that once they found their true love
They won't ever forget who was their first hero
However for me, dad
You may be my first hero
But that title was snatched away from you
The moment you let us go.
Days turn to weeks,
and months into years;
Our calendar filled,
With days that bring tears.
No longer with cheer,
There’s a birthday we keep;
A life sewn in hardship,
Is now reaping grief.
His anniversary of leaving,
A dark smear on that day;
Its nothing to celebrate,
But it won't wash away.
Those days that we’re honored,
As his mother and father;
Special cards that he made us,
We receive them no longer.
A day for memorials,
Then picnics and parades,
The summer he loved,
A special hike on Labor Day.
The season to give thanks,
Forces us to remember,
All the years that we did have,
All those happy Novembers.
Finally Christmas comes round,
Full of time spent together;
All our family traditions,
Where he's missed more than ever.
Each day a reminder,
Every memory so dear,
Yet silence speaks loudly,
When laughter disappears.
Then it's time to repeat,
Time to turn a new page,
Time for new resolutions,
Time to hope for some change.
Maybe this is the year,
That the calendar’s our friend,
When peace is returned,
And we look forward again.
this was written in late December 2012, just a year ago as part of my struggle to come to terms with life’s curves. i post this tonight, not so much for me, though my struggle is hardly over... this is more for a dear soul; an HP friend who like me, is still struggling with loss. some days are just harder than others; then there are whole seasons that will never again be the same. tonight, i raise a glass of Merlot for her, not in toast, but in wishing her comfort, peace and rest!