My eyes have been looking
For weeks, months, years
For perfection –
Or at least perfection in their view.
They see me try my hardest
They see me throw away necessities
They see me fall.
But my trials of heartache do not matter
For my efforts go unseen.
No changes –
Neither in my eyes nor in those of others.
I stare at the mirror and see eyes looking back at me –
Eyes that look like mine, but aren’t.
Eyes unrecognizable, but still, eyes.
Turquoise, cerulean, cobalt, even;
Bright, wide-eyed, and
Beautiful but sad.
Sad because un-beautiful.
The eyes in the mirror are desperate;
Sighing, searching, waiting
For that one morning when they will see a change,
The change they’ve been waiting for, for oh so long.
The change that will bring all –
Happiness, love, success –
Everything my eyes see at night
When dreams become reality.
But right now, my eyes are blurry
Covered in tears
Because they do not like what they see.
a boy so passionate that he melted the stars like wax,
his words so powerful they wriggled underneath the asphalt pavements
and cracked their way back up again.
his voice so soothing it ran into dreams
and made its way into peoples’ minds.
his smile so breathtaking that once it was gone
you forget how to want to breathe at all.
his laugh so happy you swear bubbles of light
could burst inside of you and make your skin glow
like a thin layering of the sun, and you wouldn’t find it strange.
his love so real that it could’ve created cities, actual ones,
with houses and skyscrapers and black gum on the cracked gray sidewalk
and lost pet papers taped to the lamp posts and flickering street lights in need of repair.
he was surreal, everybody he knew he had wrapped around his entire being,
protecting him and loving him
to the maximum point of love.
all except for me.
i was held in his palm,
ready to be curled into a fist when he was angry,
ready to run through his hair when he was nervous.
ready to rub at his face when he was tired,
ready to be slammed on the surface of a table when he was outraged.
there through it all,
every single wreck of an emotion he had inside him.
it didn’t make me love him any damn less.
i miss him so much.
oh my god, i actually miss him so fucking much.
what i would give to live on his hand again. if only to fall off a second time.
Your beautiful brown eyes
Lay vacant six feet below
Where I now stand
I still remember that day
As if it just happened today
Your phone still holding my number
My phone on my bedroom floor
I stole my mothers car
Just to drive the six miles we were apart
You must of planned it perfectly
Your wrist already slit
I heard the gunshot
As I rushed into the house
Your bedroom door locked
I yelled "I'm coming"
Knowing I couldn't save you
I held you for an hour
Before the cops arrived
I felt your body go cold
The life leaving your fingertips
Yet through it all
Not one tear fell
I hate myself because of that
I loved you
You were the only perfect thing
Now here you are
Statue limbs growing colder
Eyes no longer brown
But white eggs rolling
Into the back of your head
What possessed you?
Was it the heartbreak of your former lover
That douche bag didn't even come
To you tear parade funeral
Was it the loss of your father
And watching your mother
Fall into a deep depressed syringe of heroin
Was it the lack of attention
I could barely give you
Due to my own familial problems
If I wouldn't trade places with you
I was stronger than you
But I can't take it anymore
I visited your grave last year
Last time I saw you
Last words I whispered in your dead ear
"I'll join you later, I'll live for you"
I upheld my promise
What possessed you?
To kill yourself
And waste the years we shared
I hope you're happy now
I wish I could of saved you
Late last night I saw something fall from the sky,
I happened to be in the kitchen making tuna on rye.
As I looked out my window it landed in my yard.
It crushed the pink flamingos, the wife took it hard.
I stood there at the window taking in the sight,
Bright lights flashing red, blue, and white.
Then suddenly a door slid open, I was seized by fright.
But my wife had gone out the door, in her hand a kitchen knife.
As the little green man stepped out, he was looking fine,
In a tye dye tee shirt, waving his hands in a peace sign,
Looking like he had come straight from the sixties,
I think he was expecting to find some hippies.
Thinking this guy might be peaceful, I tackled my wife,
As she dropped the knife, I yelled, "He might be nice".
The little green man then pulled out a bic and gave it a flick,
As he held two finger to his lips, I realized his vice.
As I had given that up long ago, I had nothing to share.
But the little guys face showed such despair,
I went into the house and got the beer from the fridge,
And grabbed the Nacho Doritos for this astorial kid.
We sat on the lawn chairs out under the sky,
drinking the beer, eating tuna on rye.
I asked where he was from, he just pointed up.
When we finished our beers, I said good luck.
Back to the spaceship the little man went,
his steps were unsteady, I think he was spent.
He got in the spaceship and closed the door.
As I waved goodby, the spaceship took off with a roar.
I heard on the news later that night,
That something had crashed in a field, lips were tight.
But I heard a rumor, that someone was found alive.
I guess I should have told him not to drink and fly.
Why did I fall for you,
when I knew you didn't feel the same way too?
Why didn't I listen to them,
when they said don't fall for him?
They told me you were a cheat and a liar
falling for him is like playing with fire
he never loved you from the start
leaving you with a broken heart
I could have saved myself form the pain
instead I was a piece in your game
I was a prize to be won
the game we played was almost done
I wanted to leave you, I really tried
just thinking of you made me cry
I could have left long ago
but I told myself, NO!
I wish I had listened to them
when they said don't fall for him
I am falling
I am about to fall
There are instructions in my hand
something about landing safely
Something about floating
I do not know who has decided this for me
There are tools in my hands
I am expected to build a kite in the freefall I think
Somone pushes me
If I land safely then she will love me
this is dream truth
I am a kite now
I let my string drag along the surface of the earth
Reel me in as I pass by
I don't care
I can't fly
But I can't fall anymore either
Nobody cares so I'm
have some more drugs.
Gonna take three more
pills from the pill box.
I have to fall in a deep
So tomorrow when I wake
up I feel alright.
I am pretty broken, in a general sense
You broke my trust, broke my self-worth, broke me, in a gneral sense
And now a couple texts about your problems
How wonderful your friends are
Leaves me wondering why you felt the need to contact me at all
You needed someone to listen, sure
But are you that sadistic, that inhumane,
As to strike up a hard conversation with a girl you have destroyed?
You disgust me
There is no reason for me to "be here," as you so insightfully told me,
And there is no reason to thank me for hating you as I do
Because I really think I might hate you
You broke me, at a time that you were the only person who had the power to do so
And you knew you had that power
And you abused it and hurt me
To save a relationship that was ruined already
I pity you
I pity your friends
And I pity your problems
Because in the long run, they are so damn trivial
And you are going nowhere fast
So thank you for showing me that the one who broke me
Is now worse off than I am
I will be kind and cordial out of pity
But to be honest, you never were worth my time
a four letter word.
that feeling when you're on your own.
a rare gift to see you through.
the place you run to every night.
what your friends can give.
what happens when you fall too hard
The basement of my mind.
Cluttered with shit storms and broken promises,
Withered alongside reminiscent daydreams of passed past nightmares.
Into the internal dwellings of my deepest catacomb.
Unable to process what resides in my literal unconscious dungeon.
It's everything i've attempted to hide.
To let dwindle between cobwebs and dust bunnies.
My breath falls short.
Sifting through the residue of forgotten treasures and material shackles.
They bond me.
The unresolved burdens have taken residency within my hindered chakras.
My chest is heavy.
The weight distribution of disappointment is sharper than expected.
It eats away at me.
An elusive daily ritual.
Tucked away it remains far from common thought patterns.
Waves of emotion.
The tides roll in.
Upon their migration my muddled secrets and hidden betrayals are uncovered.
The look in your eyes when they fall upon my frailty.
My internal stack of unfiltered, unregistered, and unassured disheveled boxes.
Full of disheveled useless things.
Covered in a thick layer of problems i'm incapable of handling alone.
It sits unaltered and ever growing.
The remnants of what should have been happiness.
It all falls into misplaced sediments.
I'm a mess.
This murky chamber of unwanted mementos from failed attempts and lost friendships
This dreadful, endless room.
Oh, to live in a home without a storm shelter.
Without room to store unnecessary baggage and all the unclaimed items in my mind.
To find solace in meager living.
All this weight fitting into a backpack.
To minimize my insanity into a carry on.
To be light enough to feel the light.
To escape this cellar.
To release my self from my own idealogical prison.
To penetrate the bars of fear.
To dig myself out from all the things I never want to speak of.
To be free.
Ahhh, to be free.
To breathe fresh air over molded dust clouds and stale particles.
To touch without needing to rinse my soul clean.
To re-stack, rotate, and Tetris these piles of insecurities.
To break habits
that i've reinterpreted from childhood addictions and failed father figures.
To be better than what i've become.
To set fire to this sham of a lifestyle.
To be reborn in the ashes of this outgrown armor.
To let go.
To make you proud.
To find pride in myself.
To not be embarrassed by my place settings and mismatched knick knacks.
To allow souls into my temple without them stumbling into my isolated lunacy.
To welcome love.
To love even the darkest crevasses of my being...
I need to renew my license to live.
Overdue and out of line,
My past self has expired.
One step at a time, breathe.
One box at a time, breathe.
One thought at a time, inhale.
One lust at a time, exhale.