Hope is dangerous
Perhaps that's why it hangs around on street corners
And in doorways
Waiting to waylay me as I pass through
To get my morning coffee
I've been fighting with Hope
But it doesn't fight fair
It has a shiv that cuts deeply into my heart
And the parry fractures on my ulnae
Say more about its victory over my defenses
Than these inadequate words ever can.
Hope has a rap sheet a mile long
And when it comes knocking,
Part of me knows it would probably be better
To turn out the lights and pretend I'm not home
But I'm recklessly unafraid.
And the danger excites me.
And I climb on the back of Hope's motorcycle
Not caring that he's taking the curves too fast
And I let hope sneak me out of the house in the middle of the night
Running away together into the night
Knowing full well that when the morning comes,
He will be long gone.
Hope has me sitting in this car in an abandoned shipyard
Waiting for the drop
Believing, against all sanity, that you will show up
To make the exchange
To continue the deal.
Hope is reckless and fearless
Hope is the explanation behind every one of these scars
I haven't seen you in a long time, but
Foolishly, I still believe in your promise
And soon, the court date with Hope will come
And my love for you will stand trial
Though it's never been anything but innocent,
I know I would be found guilty, time and again
Hope blasphemously sits in the judges chair
Feet up on the railing
As he waits for you to show up and swear in.
Hope brokers back-door deals with me in the passenger seat
Leads me down dark alleys at 2 in the morning
Making promises nobody could ever keep
He keeps my bank account at an all-time low
He holds the gun to my ribcage in the tattoo parlor and asks, one more time
"Will this save you? Will this make you free?"
Hope is an exercise in flirtation with disaster
Except that Hope doesn't know how to flirt,
Doesn't do anything halfway -
It becomes an exercise in falling in love with disaster
Finding beauty in the broken things.
I'm begging you -
I know Hope is dangerous
But please don't tear him away from me
Dear god, please.
Because if you leave this time
If you fail me now
If you walk away, he walks with you.
Despair becomes my only company
And though dangerous, Hope is exciting
Despair just hands me the bottle of tequila
And shaking his head knowingly, tells me
To drink until it's empty
To say goodbye to you and Hope
The only way I can
Once I undertook a journey,
Out upon and completely around,
the very face of our entire world.
To view for myself the many pictures,
And written descriptions of all the writers
In all those History Classes, books and movies.
My personal Quest to see with my own eyes
What I had only experienced second hand.
And in my mid twenties, like a dream,
One foot in front of the other,
There I was doing it.
I sniffed and tasted the scents of foreign lands,
Incense, Sage and Frankincense, fish curry,
fried snake and even monkey brains.
Walked in lush Jungle Bush and Desert sands,
Along the shores of many Islands and the coasts
Of Four Continents’.
Heard the voices of 30 divergent Dialects
And cultures. Smiling and laughing with,
The beautiful children of all of them.
Set beside the fires of primitive tribal men,
Heard their chants to their gods above,
Or upon the land and sea.
Clapped my hands and moved my feet in
Their Ancient mystic dances.
Drank their tea, Kava or whatever they shared
Grateful for their offered unselfish brotherhood.
Stood on the flanks of the tallest Mountains
In the world, on my toe tips, to try to see the
Face of the God of my youthful teachings,
Mildly disappointed when I did not see him, or Her.
Found instead an inner tranquility, imparted to me
By Red robbed Monks from within their chants of
Peace and wise earthly enlightenment.
Strolled the cobbled streets of two thousand year
Old Cities. Walked among the ruined remnants of
Nearly forgotten once great Civilizations.
Explored Modern Euopean Citiadels of wealth and learning.
Over time rode on planes, ships, buses, backs of open trucks,
Horse pulled carts and human drawn rickshaws, taxis, subways,
Rented motorcycles and cars. Walked perhaps a 1000 miles.
In all a journey of the mind and heart lasting for over three years.
And why you might ask, why travel so far, for so long?
And what was I looking for? A fair question indeed.
When a boy, I read a simple five word line,
“Seek and thee shall find”.
And it stayed with me all my life.
I read books, saw films, did Research,
all in a quest to understand,
what those five words truly meant.
After a stint in the Military,
still wondering and seeking,
I embarked on my own personal,
physical and emotional Journey.
The next obvious question you might
of course ask is, after all that;
“What did I find?”
Well I guess the answer is very simple,
after all that, I found myself.
I can’t help but envy those
Whose first thought in the morning
Is a person or a place
Or a feeling or a face
Because all I have these days
Are a bottle and a pen
And a lighter and then
I think about how lonely the dark
Must feel to be
When it is only it and me
Because the dark is the only one who sees
What it is truly like to be me
It is the only one who knows
What happens once men walk out my door
When the insides of my thighs are sore
Because my insides tell me
I am nothing but a dirty whore
The dark must have been the one
That I am only destined
To get more and more sick
And my future is lipstick
And a hotel bar
Only because my present is a used rubber
And a tangerine scar
The dark knows how fucked up it is
To live inside of a head so twisted
The dark is tall and it’s black
And it stands on two feet
It watches me breathe
And it watches me sleep
It drinks all my tears
It knows all my fears and
It is always near
It shouts "Long live the fear!”
Into my ear
And “Long live the boozing
And smoking for the rest of your years
I know it isn’t fair
And, surely, it isn’t right
But it isn’t worth it to try to put up a fight
To a void with no mass;
A storm that cannot be put into a class
The dark wants me beat, and I know it will
The dark wants to eat, and it has me to kill
The darkness is a monster
And the darkness is rare
But when it is around
You can taste it in the air
You can hear its hum
And you can feel its glare
So what would you do
If you felt the darkness there?
I want to say something,
these words I can't keep,
but I'm afraid I'll lose you
after the tiniest peep.
I wish I could tell you
just how I feel,
but I'm afraid it's too much,
and you'll gasp and you'll reel.
I need to touch you
in the most gentle of ways,
but you're miles away,
the swim would take days.
I miss your voice
and your face
and your hair,
having to keep this inside
just doesn't seem fair.
I want you to shout out
how you feel about me.
I need to know
how you feel about me.
I wish you would tell me
how you feel about me,
so I can blurt out this passion
and finally be free.
All she could do was laugh as she slipped into the tub,
her make up long smudged and her hair undone.
The water filled up along with iridescent bubbles cornering the rim.
All she could do was laugh as the searing hot water rushed onto her,
but she was beyond the point of caring.
But the laugh was not happy you see,
it was filled with pain.
All she could do was laugh as she touched the faint white scars on her body mumbling,
'my skin is much too clean'
All she could do was laugh as her slim fingers fiddled with the knife,
and she slowly brought it to her fair skin.
And she laughed and laughed until the water went dry and her body was almost as red as the blood starting to circle the drain.
But she could care less.
For that laughter was merely a cry of help,
to save her from circling the drain.
When all of my words are said
and there's nothing left to say
from the long nights of decisions
neither of us were ready to face
or the early mornings i sat and thought
and tried to contemplate
whether or not I should end it
If the sunset had something else to say.
Should I just wait for the stars to convince me we're right
if i know the sun will convince me otherwise?
You held my hand
and gave me space
told me you'd wait if waiting
is something I'd fake
And I won't lie
I'll probably miss you every night
But by the time the sun comes up
and burns my eyes
I'll remember why I decided we aren't right.
Either way, I'll push what i want aside
because its not fair to you
that I can't make up my mind.
So I'll end it now
while I still can
tell you that I feel nothing
not even when you're squeezing my hand
And when the sun goes down
and all that I'm left with are the stars
I'll hold myself back from calling you
Because I've seen how this all ends
And I'm not ready to watch it begin
I look to the sky, screaming this isn't fair.
These tears soak my face. People stop and stare, rarely do the care.
Tara, my angel is still with me here, gliding through the air.
Walking through crowded halls.
Tears in my eyes.
All that speak to me is the walls.
Lies after lies.
Telling me to move one, say goodbye. Why?
This isn't goodbye, but so long.
Reality is wrong, dreams are for real.
I love the way you always made me feel.
Knees weak. You were the love I was sent to seek.
You brought me to a new peak.
Of it all.
What now? Now I'm stuck in limbo, suspended in free fall.
On my hand and knees, like a baby learning to crawl.
Like a hungry baby, I start to bawl.
You were the star that guided my path.
Now I wait for the day I can feel God's wrath.
See you again my friend.
This is only a beginning, not an end.
The beginning of something beautiful.
A perpetual. Love, to last eternal.
This still isn't fair.
Much love, to my Wifey, my angel upstairs.
You are the meaning of perfection. I swear.
You were the only one to truly understand. To truly care.
My only love is sleep.
The meaning of every word, like a knife wound, deep.
The smell of you lingers in the air.
How the hell is any of this fair?
Tell them to look me in the eyes, and tell me they care.
You were a diamond in the rough, rare.
At night, I find myself weeping.
Afternoon, I'm mostly sleeping.
I've sowed it all, now I'm stuck reaping.
An eye for an eye, leaves the whole world blind.
But I want to be blind, or asleep. To witness the images of you burned into my mind.
Life is just a bunch of plays. Comedies.
To many of them, now turned. Tragedies.
Oh no, this is not some silly love letter.
This is not a letter about proclaiming my
school girl feelings and fantasies.
Oh no, this is so much more than that, my dear.
You are one of the things that dare to make me happy.
But, not the kind of happy that you would think of.
When I think of you, the happiness you bring to me is a
kind of comfort. I feel so laid back, yet excited, yet really,
really in love.
I mean, you also bring me sadness.
When I'm around you I feel at home.
When I am not around you,
I know I'll see you soon.
The sadness you bring me is fleeting.
But, it is only because I know you will
never love me back.
Like I said, you are my Christmas morning.
But, you are also my New Year's Eve.
The fleeting moment, the fireworks, and good laughs.
I could keep going, but why should I?
You will never see these poems anyways.
I have written hundreds of poems about you,
and you will never know how I truly feel.
And if you do know, then I am so, so sorry.
It is not fair to you, nor me.
But I simply cannot help myself.
You are my everything.
As I lay here with you
I can't help but stare.
Your beauty hypnotises me.
This feeling I get isn't fair.
You drive me crazy
With your royal SUV, have Mercy.
You're a badass with your shades on,
Making me think, what do you see in me?
All I want is to have you in my arms.
Cuddling under the covers, happy and warm.
To look into your sparkling blue eyes.
My butterflies have formed a swarm.
Sometimes I dream,
About you and me.
To wake up next to you daily.
I dream of how happy we would be.
But this is reality.
Not everything is how you want it to be.
Even with your shades on,
Baby, you are all I can see.