DOCTOR FOSTER WENT TO GLOUCESTER
or so the story says. Trot, trot around the puddles and glop that are keeping the roads in disarray. Skittish with its wishes as its tail flips, whips, and swishes; but, a horse is a horse as we all know of course! And there's no doubt this one snorts while behaving like a jack-ass...
IN A SHOWER OF RAIN.
that suddenly came like a cane to inflict pain after behavior causes shame, but one in the same, history won't remember the names of the inconsequential claims to fame who witnessed the humiliation of Long Shanks when...
HE STEPPED IN A PUDDLE
oh screw it! He flew through the air like a rather large flair with wind blowing his hair until...Splash! With a...Crash! And so many people laughed because the great man did try to stand in a puddle as big as a trash can filled with water, mud, and debris...
RIGHT UP TO HIS MIDDLE
and yes, it probably tickled though such things made him fickle about being in such a pickle and so with a few little hand jiggles he was pulled from the slop, where his face really did plop and needed a mop so he could see. Red as can be, for angry was he! Enough! He did roar for humiliation seems to never boar the heartless who try hard to hurt and keep score. So he rode home...
AND NEVER WENT THERE AGAIN!
I am afraid.
Today I woke up
Scared of many things.
Scared like I would be anyway
That tick tick tick
In a few days
You will be gone altogether.
Scared more because
I feel myself reaching for you
And I can't stop.
Just because I haven't heard your voice in days
And something happened inside me
That needs that comfort to heal.
I was scared of my pancakes.
They were a challenge.
It has been days since food has made me anything but nauseous.
They steamed on my plate
Hot and sweet and doused in thick syrup.
I stared them down.
I tried hard to lift my fork.
Set it down.
Moved on to my coffee.
Its sweetness, too, sickened me.
I was afraid of that coffee.
As if it would suddenly strike
Like a cobra.
I was afraid
Of every person in that room.
I was afraid
Of my hands.
I was afraid
Of my heartbeat.
I was afraid
And your silence.
I laughed with my friends
And I was afraid
Of my laugh.
Afraid of how they didn't know
How scared I was.
Afraid that I would just slip and tell them
And they would support me
And it wouldn't help.
I excused myself,
Went to the small private little bathroom
I locked the door and tried to cry.
I felt sick
But nothing there, either.
Finally I looked myself in the eyes in the mirror
(You called them beautiful the other day)
(That thought flashed through my mind
And I saw it strike a spark of longing inside them
But it quickly died.)
"I don't want to be mean.
But if I'm not mean, you don't listen.
People say never to put yourself down
But if I am not harsh it doesn't get through.
You are being stupid. Grow up. Live. Eat something
Nothing bad has happened.
And if you do not see her again for six months
You have lost much, much more before.
You stand up tall like you've earned.
Come on, just stop this."
I stared back, hollow looking.
I pulled up the bottom of my shirt
Let my stomach out as far as it would go.
It made no difference to my waistline at all.
I was afraid
I pulled it down and grabbed the edges of the sink,
"You are DYING. You are starving inside,
Don't do it outside.
Let me eat.
Now you're going to go out there
And you're going to smile
Like nothing has ever scared you.
And none of those people will know you thought any of this
And none of those people will see your terror in your eyes
Will be your strength.
If you refuse to feel better
I'll be damned if anybody will see it."
I took a deep breath
And in the mirror
My face settled into a calm mask
The face of a girl who had just had pancakes for breakfast
Who had a final to study for
Who had friends to laugh with
Whose day was ordinary.
A hint of a smile on my lips
A lift to my eyes.
I know just how
To rearrange my face.
(The goal is
People's eyes will slide right over it
And not take in any traitorous details.
Feng Shui, and all that.)
And the satisfaction settled over me
That at least there was that.
All of a sudden
The girl in the mirror wasn't afraid
Even if I
I walked back out
And laughed with my friends
And ate my breakfast
With every bite.
I'll be the first to admit
I'm really out of shape,
My hair is way too long
And always in my face.
I'm not that tall,
I'm actually really short.
I don't have nice features,
And I'm not good at any sport.
I'm kind of like a black eye;
Nobody wants one.
I can make you smile
I can make you laugh,
I can make you feel wanted,
So you can forget about the past.
I will always be here for you,
Day and night,
You'll never have to raise your voice,
Because we would never fight.
But none of that matters,
At least that's what it seems,
No one really wants
The unattractive me.
You sit in your majestic tower
Of the tree house, your brown hair gleaming down
Your strength and integrity bound
So deeply within you
Never did I notice,
Apt to the silence of your manner,
How greatly you tried
Your effort denied
It’s funny the way one can live
So within their own space
That interacting is also receiving
When we were young
I was the one to run
To climb the trees
Steal all the Popsicles from the freezer
Soil my hands and stain my shirts with blackberries
To be the teaser
And you would change my shirt, save me from a beating
Accept my ferocity
And wipe the blood from me
You weren’t the one
To fight away the demons
You were the one
To keep them at bay
With silent protests for a better day
When we got old
Just a little.
When I hid my face
And you did
Age with grace
I noticed then
How ample you were
How you held yourself
With a profound rooting
To the earth
And stable you had been
And the regret washed through me of the times
I secretly was ashamed
Of the way you walked
And how dissonant I thought you were
And so at a party a group of us sat sipping wine
And mocking the time
Across the table I heard you laugh
And never did I notice your voice before
And I could see between the lines
Afterwards I laughed
At my new realization
What a burden I was
But what struck me was
That you held me
Just Like I was still a little girl
And I was making a fool of myself
You shushed me to sleep
A grown woman
And right before I closed my eyes
a final tear
How jealous you were
Of my experimental whirl
Eating life in
Like sauce on my fingertips
And I told you how jealous I had been
Of the way you wore long skirts
And wrapped your arms to your chest
Always knowing what you wanted
No need to want more
And like two old witches
Until the moon was gone
And the sunlight streamed through
Bubbling to the brim
With the new strength found within
Rejoicing we found
We are each in the air
implanted on the ground.
To want a memory that can’t be remembered, can’t be remade, thats the memory
she wanted. To live in that moment with that family of hers. The one in the picture
tucked in her book. She too wanted to be stuck in that grainy old photo,
between mom and dad and in front of her brother. She wished she was there, right there
in that moment. Captured in that photo now scuffed on the edge. To stand in the place
where she wanted to be. She too wanted to smile with a toothy grin, to hold onto the hand
of her mother. She will never remember a moment with them, as she will never
have a memory of them. She has a photo of her family missing her face.
A picture of a life of what to her could be strangers. No one to know
she did have a home. None to think she was wanted. Only to question
how she wound up alone wandering around with a book. She won’t be remembered,
won’t be remade, and now thats the memory she wanted.
the belief in you has died in me.
Your flaws, failings,
spread before me like jewels of
impossible wealth, your face,
just shy of handsome, an intimate picture
of unfortunate health,
eyes like unwashed seashore stones,
flesh whiter than bleached-dry bones -
alluring in spite of all ill.
Oddly, the imperfection in you
has perfected my attraction,
through and through.
I would run naked in nature for you,
break laws and through doors
blocked with steel for you,
knowing full well you would never
fight for forever for me.
Falling in love is the greatest pity;
it makes a monster of you, and a mouse of me,
echoes somewhere between my ears,
your voice, with the weight of
intervening years, the hope for you that
still could not subdue my
that you might love another
harder, greater, than you loved me.
That the future cracks the seal
set for destiny.
Counting on fingers
past loves that were real,
ones that betrayed what
I thought I could feel,
using your eyes to see reality
while abusing your hands
in forfeit of fantasy.
Your body does not fit mine.
Your ego has outgrown your spine.
I will not go your way.
I will not give you another second
of my strained adoration.
I will become so small
that you won't be able to see me at all.
Its weird to hear your name
coming from lips you seem to know
How strange it feels to look at eyes
you thought to miss
I seem to not recall the warmth
that once was there.
This face now here is new to me.
The old one gone astray.
Its time to turn from thought
to leave with tears inside.
you walk away.
I feel us slipping
and I can't seem to keep a grip
It's like you're sliding
right through my fingertips
I can still touch you
and feel your warm flesh
But something about us just doesn't mesh
Our connection is becoming a little hazy
I think you're getting a little lazy
We are losing touch
and I miss you so much
I can feel myself falling through the cracks
of my own broken heart
Inch by inch we are losing each other to the dark
I think the bad is starting to out weigh the good
and I'm starting to see nothing where we once stood
Shadows are filling up inside my lonely heart
and I'm trying to find a little spark
A spark of hope, of light, or a fire
to reignite my once strong desire
I can see the sun breaking in your eyes
It's a new day I see it on the rise
and I'm trying to see the good in life
but good things in life are hard to find
This love is killing me
and all I want to know is if I can survive
I should just let you go
But I don't really want too
at least not right now
I know I'm just dragging this out
Because it's inevitable
so why all the doubt?
I just want to know what giving you up
is going to take
Maybe I shouldn't it's easier to just act fake
I've let myself get too far in
How did I let myself get here again?
It's cool, I am strong
But what about my pitiful heart?
You have dreams to chase
and I have a son to raise
you're just a boy and I'm just a girl
we just need to let things unfurl
I've taken all I can take and I can't let this break me down
But it still feels like a part of me is dead and in the ground
I wish our fairytale ending would of came true
but it's time to face the facts...I think it's over.....
and we are through...
Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
Come to see him
when you have no right to
Come play daddy for a day
does that make you feel good?
Run and tell your friends
that you're a father
because you like the title
Put on a happy face and smile from ear to ear
Talk like you know him
for everyone to hear
Talk like you have always been there for him
Hold him as if he would recognize your touch
Watch him through your lieing glazed eyes
and hug him way too much
Kiss him and tell him how much you care
Tell him you love him before you disappear
Turn your back and walk away like he never meant a thing
Tell him your his daddy
when he don't even know your name
I see you swell with pride when you call him your's
when you play with him like you're the one he adores
You're the definition of fake
You're a lie and nothing more
and your son knows not who you are
So tell him that you miss him
And that you'll see him soon
Lie to him again and again
Make empty promises
that will never come true
Laugh at all the silly things you watch him do
Act like your something big
Like your doing something good
Does it make you feel like more of a man?
Does this feel good to you?
Hug me before you leave and tell me that you're sorry
Hold me like you really care and
Tell me you still love me
but don't dare look me in the eye
Because you know I'll be able to see nothing but true lies
You're a drug addict
A lowlife in it's truest form
So go back to your shameful life with your whore
light it up and take another hit
Let it burn and try to let yourself forget
Wallow in your self pity
and hang your head real low
Cry until you drown yourself because
You won't see us anymore
The damage you have done can never be erased
So live with the few memories you have of him
that are burnt inside your head
then close your eyes and sleep with your pride and regret
You have made this bed and in it you will have to lye
Waste yourself away to nothing
as you slowly dissipate
You are nothing to him
and you're nothing to me
so become more dead to us as you take your final hit!
Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden
I believe in you
I believe in this
Every life is worthwhile
And no ones life is worth more
As our value can’t be counted in dollars
Or any other types of currency
So know your life is worth more
Than mountains of gold
Or the rarest of ores
And it’s not worth any less
Than the lives of your favorite celebrities
Just cause your talents aren’t shared
And your story isn’t told
doesn’t mean they aren’t worth it
And if you have the time to share
I’d love to listen and see
Who’s the person
Behind the beautiful face we can see