i. I’d tell them of the moment you spoke about your favorite cartoon characters, and the way your face flashed when you described them to me. How innocent that brilliance was and how guileless your mannerisms were. And I’d wish they understand why I fell in love with the feeling of your innocent enthusiasm about some nonsense cartoons no one else cared about.

ii. I’d show them all your worries and troubles stacked on top of one another in a carelessly balanced house made of playing cards. And while they were appraising these I’d point out how selfless you are. How your troubles were never centered around your own joy. And I’d wish they see that the house of cards I showed them is a reflection of the person you are. The kind of person who’d knock those cards down if they had your name on them instead.

iii. I’d paint them a picture of your mind as I see it. Full of intricate ambitions, contradictory emotions, unreasonable doubts and absent-minded memories. I’d use black and blue pen to dot your journey here. And bright red to show them the great places you are destined to go. And I’d wish they stand back and appreciate the amalgam of colors instead of questioning why. There isn’t a single spot on the canvas I seem to fully understand despite being the artist.

iv. I’d take them on a walk to the place we first met. I’d make sure it was a sunny day first, just like that one. I’d tell them I didn’t think much of you at all when I first met you. I’d make them sit in that same spot, and feel the same way we felt as indifferent strangers. And I’d wish they understand that despite the seeming insignificance of that moment, I look back and am convinced I see a halo of light above that place and the beguiling simplicity of that day.  

v. I’d tell them how tightly you hugged me when I was sad. How softly you touched my arm when you assured me that nothing was wrong. How quietly you showed me an overflowing friendship that’s waiting to combust  And I’d wish they understand that it’s not just how wonderful it was breathing in the smell of your old jacket. It’s how wonderful it felt, feeling the weighty presence of a thousand words unspoken.

vi. I’d warn them before they meet you, this is what I’d say: “It’s easy to make that boy laugh, but it’s hard to win him over. His love is not on display, his mind has been sent to the dry cleaners. His laugh has been blocked with by caution and logic. But don’t ever say you don’t understand that he’s a wonderful human being”, I’d hope they understand your appearance is all pretense.

vii. And if someone asked me why I love you, this is what I’d say: It is hard for me to imagine going through the rest of this life and meeting another singular human being like you.

Maybe I shouldn't speak my mind
Maybe I shouldn't let words out of my heart
Maybe I should be silent and frozen in time
Maybe I should wear an prisoner's mark

Maybe I should cut out my tongue
Maybe I should rip out my vocal chords
Maybe I should avoid everything fun
Maybe I should step aside people hoards

Maybe I should stab my ears
Maybe I should eject my eyes
Maybe I should plug up my tears
Maybe I should ignore how time flies

Maybe I should forget my loves
Maybe I should avoid my kin
Maybe I should forget what comes
From being a prisoner deep within

But I shouldn't. I wouldn't be punishing only myself. Others would hurt too, because

They would see me
They would hear me
They would touch me
They would speak of me
They would cry for me
They would still love me

And I'd never respond.

In this state of emotional mind
Of course I cannot see that
All I see is the my own hate
Breathing it and feeling it

I am human
Nothing better
Let go of my anger
Escape the fetter

When I'm like this
I need to stop and think
When my head is clear and cloudless
After taking a watery drink

Then I'll see past the emotions
And into the possible future
I'm at a cross road every day
I'd rather not be someone's butcher

I can take this path
And make everyone else hurt more
Or I can take a different way
Even though my heart is sore

I want to be in pain
It's what I know I deserve
But by thrusting myself onto the sword
I wouldn't ever live, I'd burn

It's a lie to say no one else will care
Its not true, it's not true
While you stand inside your flames
They watch you suffer through

Imagine their pain and see if it compares

Emotions are nonexistent until pungency takes over with a kiss to the existence.
And with the hardness comes inevitable suicide by revelation.
Out of body and out of mind,
The passion that anger brings fuels the drive to escape them both.
It manifests itself in tears with the heat and tensions rising,
But unleashing steam is all we know how to do.
Even the most courageous never seem to utilize passion to unleash the flames in their chests-
Like being confined to yourself to never become the fugitive you so desire.
It won't leave you when you cease to exist.
You can't escape anything.
Not yourself.
Not the paroxysm.

I'm on fire my love
every inch of me burns
with the vodka mix of emotions filling me
And blurring me
The sky is on fire my love
it's falling down on me
are you watching this
or am I the only one that can see it
I know it's falling
but I guess thats just me
My bed is on fire
while I write this poem
my tears would sizzle on to my grey quilt
if I had tears left to cry
My hair is on fire
the natural red of it has enhanced itself
it's unearthly and magical and beautiful
and I appreciate this singular beauty
while blood pools round me
and soaks my bed
my blood is on fire love
and I set it free

I once knew a girl who thought death
was easier than living a mess of a life.
Her family was stained with meth,
but I told her she had to put down the knife.

She said she had no purpose, no reason
but I pointed out to her the small, pretty things
and told her emotions and feelings changed like seasons,
and happiness would come with the summer the world brings.

She believed me and started to change her ways.
She was so gorgeous when she smiled.
I could press my lips against hers for days.
She was perfect to me, my wonder child.

The girl I once knew was dead, like she wanted.
Rest in peace, she was sadder than she needed to be.
Now with a smile and happy eyes that were once haunted,
I knew this girl had to know what she meant to me.

So I told her I loved her through a text, even though
I wanted to say it in person so I could see the look on her face.
It would have been one of those smiles I love, I know.
And since then I know we've both found our place

Right by each others' sides where our smiles are the brightest.
That's where we belonged, we couldn't fight this.
I was whole when I surrendered to her with a kiss.
I finally learned the definition of eternal bliss.

-qtsp- 6/14

Knowing what and what not to say is painful,
never knowing the outcome.
The wonder in our words unspoken
echo across exposed skin.
Trying to hide the truth may not be the way to go,
but can be inevitable if it wants to be found.

Sigh and empty your invisible wounds,
lay them in this kiss.
They will forever be forgotten
and never will be missed.

The pain felt by others may be my only weakness.
My empathy overpowering.
Used to hiding the emotions I steal
in strange looks and heated kisses
My mind and soul are hidden, even if not for long.
If only I could keep it from those who are there.

Sigh and empty your invisible wounds,
lay them in this kiss.
They will forever be forgotten
and never will be missed.

Time is passed as we  grow stronger,
but the agony we bare remains.
This confusion entices me, telling me to give in.
Who can I turn to?
What can i do?
Nothing is helping and i wont go to you.

This pain is mine alone.
Not for you to see.
my purpose now is to run
And make it all unknown.

emotions are as if a current,
far out to shore,
sometimes they can't be seen,
by the eye alone,
or the best telescope on earth,
but sadness is lurking,
in the reefs of the ocean,
and suddenly,
the moon sweeps them in,
from safety to drenched in no time at all,
bone dry to stood shaking,
moments it can take to change,
from content,
to lost.