Days come and go so fast and still I find myself mostly alone
yet, I always know you'll be there when I come home
that's really all I can ask
spontaneity and our gummy bear flask
best friends and you don't know the whole truth
that strangely makes me more comfortable around you
don't tread lightly
or think about my struggle nightly
feeling alone again
strange version of where this darkness began
now that you're far away
even our flask couldn't stay
it's been 20 days since you left me here
can't believe I have to wait a whole year
cause I need a best friend
to stop me from diving into the deep end
you always keep me on pace
suddenly feeling like I should start a high speed chase
so I can feel the adrenaline pumping hard
madness overcomes my body left scarred
feel myself pushing people away
don't want them to see me this way
gazing at the face of danger
turning myself into a stranger
I don't have anyone to keep me in line anymore
to ask me who I'm living for
you come back and I'll elude to my scandalous nights
recklessly leaping from great heights
cause when you walk too far alone
it's so easy to keep your secrets your own
when the sex and drugs consume me
I'll be a fucked up kind of free
that's what I want right now
when there's no one to hold me down
days come and go so fast and I still find myself mostly alone
can't wait till you come home
A Song for One Poem Advisor
Poetry of The Waters ,Whatever Whatever .
What Could Be The Problem ?
Restless Deers .
Poetry of The Crayon Flowers , Mellow Mellow .
What Could Be The Problem ?
Poetry of The Wild Animals.
Eat Them All ,Eat Them All.
What About The No-Nonsense Wild Leopards ?
One Boastful Lion , Take It Easy .
Like a cradle in which we
Are born, ever so fickle and
Nature never easy to pinpoint. Thoughts of a
Gargantuan proportion categorized
Under a spectrum of grammar
And syntax. Can you ever really
Get the emotion in devotion, or is
Every sentence just another incomplete expression of 'heart'?
It beats. It lives.
Simply as Y-O-U or I. Our unscrupulous baby.
Lazily, even the speaker of this (un)natural
Isolation of symbols and syllables can but
Frivolously transcribe with childish fervor
Every glimpse of wonder that appears before his mind.
I'm a seeker,
that's what the ink blots say.
I look for patterns
in the cracks on the sidewalk.
I read my bible in the dark corners
trying to find purpose,
hiding my shame.
I look inside trash cans
for left overs
and disregarded secrets.
and I try to find a mystery
in the smiles.
Maybe an untold story
that was never good enough
to tell over a late night dinner.
Like the time you killed
and after all these years
you still feel guilty.
Or the time you put
change inside of a pizza box
before you threw it out
just in case someone rummaging
through the trash found it.
And the irony hurts
because life has a terrible sense of humor.
I hold the crucifix in my left hand
The hand that's been mutilated
Nerve damage done
It rests easy in this hand
peacefully in this hand
"it's not your fault."
"it's not your fault."
Yes it is
Yes it is
How does it feel to miss something that was never yours?
To feel your heart burn daily for a lost love
who never loved you solely?
Is it truly lost, then?
How unimportant, used, betrayed, and lied to I feel.
He has someone new, and I stand here searching.
Struggling and fighting to keep an even keel.
Doing anything to keep my stomach from lurching.
I feel alone, lost, afraid, and unwanted.
Cold, embarrassed, angry, and haunted.
I'm weak, upset, distressed, and disheveled.
The walls of my heart, completely leveled.
But they're up now again, never to fall.
Never to lean, the strongest of all.
So thick and mighty like a redwood tree,
No one and nothing will ever get to me.
This chill you feel here in my soul?
It reaches my bones and dims my eyes.
I embrace the cold to only feel whole
I spread my wings to fly over the lies.
I lie to myself, I lie to them, and I lie to him.
I'm convinced it's all ok, all alright.
Hoping no one can see the pain inside,
My heart's fire slowing to an ember dim.
It gets better day by day, night by night
I'll find a way to do what's right.
I'll move on, just as he
I'll be as strong as that redwood tree.
I'm a sapling now, small and weak.
I'm very thin and my voice is meek.
But give me time and water my roots
And you can be the first to taste my fruits.
Seek it out, and ye shall find
You're the one to release my mind.
Lend me your wings or teach me to fly
One way or another, I'll touch the sky.
He's not a bad guy, she's not a bad girl
But thoughts of them make me hurl.
She smart and she's pretty,
She's nice and she's witty.
He's handsome and tall,
He's wonderful, all in all.
I should be happy, I should be glad
But all I feel right now is super sad.
I have good days and I'll have bad
But half the time I'm raging mad.
Break ups are not easy or fun
But sometimes they must truly be done.
I've fallen for a pilot on the USS Bush
A life impossible without a great push.
See, I desire to be a Marine
Strong, proud, and incredibly pristine.
Two officers together but always apart
Far in distance, but near in heart.
No one can say what the future holds.
But I can't wait to see what unfolds.
I'll find myself with or without him.
I'll earn my wings and so much more.
My dreams will fill my heart to the brim.
My dream be in the United States Marine Corps.
Alone or together I know I'll be me.
This life or the next, I know I'll be free.
I'll never understand how it's so easy for you to let me go, while I'm trying my hardest just to hold on.
I don't get how you can say you love me, then turn around and chip away at my soul
I'm clueless as to how you can lie right through your teeth, telling me I'm your one and only when there's so many others I'm beneath.
I have no idea how you allow me to feel like hell after every time you say goodbye.
you're lucky I love you because if it wasn't for your unsteady heartbeat, I'd make my wishes come true. and all my best wishes are for me to die.
Four letter word
Easy to spell
hard to fall for
& never to old to try
The God of Death
I have a list
The job is mundane, same old, same old
Murderers, conceiters, haters, ....
No remorse even at the last breath
Today is a busy day
Lots of you to claim
First on my list is a thief
He stole children for a living
And sold them to the highest bidder
Sometimes, I think the Guy upstairs is so unfair
What’s wrong with taking a child
And selling her so she’ll get a better life
Not that I’m complaining
Contrary to popular belief
Hell is kind of empty
Most people in their last living moments
Say they’re sorry and zam! I lose!
This guy is different
Peter Hinckley the Child Snatcher
He doesn’t know he’s walking into a trap
And he’ll be shot dead by the cop hiding across the street
So, here I am, Ok, Now!!
“Gotcha, come with me, Peter Hinckley!
Welcome to Hell! Where it’s always breakfast in bed! Not!
My next is a woman, those are rare down there
Henrietta Bugglery – “Gosh, what a name!”
Her one and only sin – loving herself too much
Till she hated everyone else
It’s not her fault, I don’t think
She has it all but wisdom
So how can it be her fault
Well I suppose she could have been better to her children
But she hated them too apparently
Ahh humans, I’ll never get them, I suppose!
Henrietta was ready but she didn’t expect Me!
Not that I’m not pretty but I have to hide my face
Seeing me sometimes jolts them back to life!
“OK, Missy, let’s go!”
“What do you mean let’s go? Who are you? And where are we going?”
“Who are you?”
“ Darth Vader!”
(and they say i don’t have a sense of humor)
“You mean like from Star Wars?”
“Yes, exactly that – Let’s Go!”
“I’m not going anywhere with you!”
“Oh come on, don’t make me zap you there.
I like you all to arrive happily, after all the rest of eternity is a long time”
“Get lost! I’m not coming with you!!”
“Oh well, you leave me no choice!
Welcome to Hell!”
I lift my hand and she is stretched excruciatingly (it appears) into Hell
You’d think my work is easy
Actually, it’s not
Sometimes, I wish we had some of your high tech equipments down there
Then, I won’t have to do this myself
I could have me some robots who would never mess up
Or suddenly have a soft heart like in the case of ....
Oh shit, I’m saying too much!!
P.S. Don't worry, I'm probably not coming for you
P.S.S. I lie, a lot!
I never thought I'd have to see her like this so soon. So young. So cold.
I should have listened to her. I should have talked to her more. Seen her more. She always asked me why I seemed so distant from her, I always got frustrated and denied it.
Now she's the distant one.
We would argue often. About communication. Our feelings. Her feelings. She had a very hard life. A violent alcoholic father. She grew up untainted by her surroundings, but scarred. Chronic Anxiety and Depression. She would cry often, and get mad and angry for sometimes no reason. She said she didn't know why it happened; it just did, and that I couldn't understand. That made me angry. Even though she was right; I really couldn't.
I haven't had an easy life in the past few years, but it doesn't compare to hers. I didn't know what is was like to be as depressed as she was. To be as anxious as she was. She would always check up on me, because she always worried about me. I myself, just took it and never did it for her.
What a mistake.
I remember my 17th birthday. She was more excited than I was, and couldn't wait for me to finally see what she had done for me. She was adorable when she talked about it. I spent the day with her and she made me a homemade card themed my favorite video game, and a Key Lime pie from scratch. I love Key Lime pie.
How I wish we could make it together, one last time.
A couple days after my birthday, a package she ordered came and she was ecstatic for me to finally have it. They were custom made genuine dog tags. They had my information on one tag, and a personalized message from her on the other. Her message read, "KNOWING YOU HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND LOVING YOU HAS MADE MY WORLD." I wear them everywhere, even to today.
But when her birthday came around, I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. She was really upset, and I felt guilty when she mentioned it, so I never did get her anything; I felt it was too late.
Whenever she was happy, she shined brighter than the sun. She smiled and laughed and was goofy. She would make up little songs about how much she loved me, and she would do anything for me. Now, I can only imagine how she felt when I left for the night, not doing anything for her.
I knew she had problems even before she met me. I knew she was chronically sad. I knew she had always been a rock, but had slowly started to erode and needed someone.
Why was I so selfish!?
I notice her mother is crying. Hysterically. They were so close. Her mom was so nice, always inviting me over and cooking for me even when they didn't have much food. Now, she looks like an empty husk of what she used to be. Crumpled on the floor, covered in her own tears, mourning the loss of her world.
Her younger brother sits with their dad, hugging and crying on each other, as well as the rest of her family. You can almost smell the saltiness in the air from all of the tears.
I've cried as much as I can. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn't want to believe she was gone. But eventually I screamed, bawled and raged at my loss. She was the only thing that mattered to me.
Now I stand here, silent and empty. My mind is numb, and all I can do is stare at her. Eyes closed, chest still, but still so beautiful. I had to battle with myself to even come and deal with seeing her like this. I finally move my stiff hand towards her curly hair and stroke it, and slowly move my hand to her shoulder. I imagine her opening her eyes and smiling at me with one of her beaming smiles. But I know it won't happen, and that's when the tears come.
I'll never see her smile, feel her lips against mine, hug her small body again. I can never hear her sweet voice again, telling me, "I love you" with a glow in her eyes.
Why didn't I show her how much she meant to me? Why couldn't I swallow my pride and be a little more caring and thoughtful for her the way she never failed to be for me? Why? I'm sobbing now. I collapse to my knees and rest my hand over hers. She's freezing. I rub her hands instinctively as if it will warm them up, but it doesn't.
I just want her to wake up. I feel as if it's my fault she's in eternal silence now. Apart of the world beyond, when I want her so desperately to be back here with me. I don't want her to leave me. I feel as if I can't live without her, she was the only one I'd ever truly loved, but in the end I failed her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I should have shown her more instead of using only my words!
I slowly stand up still covered in my tears, and stare at her sleeping body. I watch as one drips down onto her expressionless face. I use my thumb to gently wipe my tear away, just as I used to wipe hers. Now all I can do is think about what could have been, what I could have done, and what will never be.
"I'll miss you." I whispering through my sore choked throat, and kiss her cold forehead.
"I love you."
"Do you love me?" she asked.
It was a question I had worn on my lips for years;
Threads weaved in and out of my soul,
In your killing hesitation
I knew the answer.
You pulled the thread,
As tiny strings fell down,
Scattering on the floor.
Somehow I always knew
No one could ever love me.
I loved that damn boy as a friend
And as a lover.
But he never bothered to love me;
His heart beats
Please don't pretend
That everything is okay.
Do not grab my arm
Or try to hug me;
Do not even bother to look my way.
I know every damn song
That boy ever hummed
And every lyric
Remaining on his lips;
The closer I got
To reading to the lyrics
The further he stepped away.
Farther and farther
My not-so lover,
My not-so friend;
Please do not leave me
My heart beats
For your innocent love.
Please look at me one more time
And fake the love,
Please whisper the soft lyrics
Into my ear.
Good bye my not-so lover
Good bye my not-so friend
I blew you a kiss
With the last breath I took.