It was after the Second Anglo-Boer War. Some of the soldiers went to brothels and taverns and places as such. It reminded them of the vibes in canteens. One soldier named Jokas took the advice of several of his friends and bought a sex worker. He had been disappointed by the fact that his girlfriend married a lawyer. And so Jokas had his fun, this didn't last though for he still had the appetite for commitment.
So he kept returning to the same brothel - buying the same sex worker. In time they developed feelings for each other, writing letters and sending pictures when away to see relatives... but this wouldn't be as Dennis, a friend of his, introduced his cousin to Jokas. She was nice, had a decent job and was ready to settle. Her name was Anna. So Jokas stopped going to the brothel and opted to start a life with Anna, it seemed the sensible thing to do. Jokas moved with Anna, they both went overseas. Valerie was the name of the sex worker he had feelings for, what Jokas didn't know was that Valerie had fallen pregnant. A few years later she got a job at a bistro and lived in a vacant storage room with her son, Warkos. Warkos was raised in a bistro, there he got advice about life, culture and women from drunkards, thieves, policemen, lawyers and loafers. He had little formal education. He grew up resenting life and lacked a sense of belonging. He started being mischievous when he pick-pocketed a rich businessman, when he was only seven years old.
He used getting into trouble as an outlet for his anger and loneliness. His mother didn't keep men whom he could look up to. Although she began spending a lot of time alone and didn't care much about men, since her prostitution days. At age 14 Warkos met a girl with a strange name; Tellaby. Tellaby gave his life purpose at a time when he was suicidal.
She was a pretty, decent and very respectful girl who came from a well-to-do family. Days in the park with her was his escape, it gave him a sense of normality. However he would go back to the real world, back home his mom had been enduring depression and took up smoking. She was stressed by the fact that her boss kept abusing her (emotionally and verbally). Warkos formed a gang at age 16, he recruited a few dysfunctional teens in the neighborhood who spent most of their time loafing and stealing. His dream was to make enough money to buy his mother a house, find his father - so to find function; whatever that meant.
At age 17 Warkos got arrested for drug possession. He spent only 6months in prison as he had a witness who testified that the drugs were planted. The witness was paid by his gang of course. So he served 6 months for assaulting a police officer. All the while Tellaby got herself a boyfriend, he was a functional, smart boy who had a scholarship to study overseas at Oxford University. Tellaby's family approved of the relationship and pressured her to continue seeing him.
When Warkos got out, he heard the news and attempted to stab Tellaby's new boyfriend but was stopped by Tellaby... When Tellaby chose Eric, her new boyfriend, over him it was the end of his heaven and sense of normality. Drugs he found too dangerous and started researching fraud, he met a few intelligent con-men and together they forged cheques. In just one year he had about R500 000 and bought a nice cottage for his mom in the quiet small town of Andbury. This earned him prestigious status and he met with his gang again, had his mother's old boss murdered and took over the business. He ran three brothels and about five bars in three towns. He was only in his mid-twenties when he made his first million. He had a vice, to heal his pain of not feeling loved, and to forget about the pain and the void of not knowing his father he used heroin. Of course prestige comes with a price, there was a mob which was government-owned (secretly of course), it didn't like the growing competition, so when Warkos was 27, he was shot twice in the chest, once in the shoulder. The assassin was not found when the police investigated and he left few, if any, traces. Warkos survived the murder attempt after he was rushed to hospital, the bullets missed the heart but wounded his ribs.
Being housed was no longer safe for him so with his convoy, they moved from city to city, robbing banks and restaurants. At this time his gang earned notorious status. They were dubbed The Notorious Warks by journalists. On one heist he got shot on the arm and leg but this inspired him to earn even more power... A month later he funded a Black Resistance Movement, in papers they wrote about him as, "Warkos the Invincible Horse". Funding this political movement enabled him to expand his power and fight the force that was against him. He provided guns and grenades to a sect within the movement to attack government officials and invade and batter their homes. This moved to hijacking their cars. Soon this sect of guerillas had enough power to do crime in the cities, however they secretly met to be independent and not be under Warkos.
So among them there was an informer who leaked Warkos' whereabouts, he was shot twice in one shoulder but his men took cover and they escaped. Warkos, 29 years old, was getting tired of this violent life, he abandoned his gang and had a lump sum of money sent to his mother. He even investigated the whereabouts of Tellaby and stalked her for a while. He decided to go back where he grew up, he went to the storeroom which he and his mother lived in... In it was a locker; he opened the locker and found a box which had pictures and letters from his father, sent to his mother... In one letter was a poem written to his mother, Valerie, it read:
I have been fooled by ruling men
You believe in honour and glory
but you do not see the Be Lie in "believe"
and now I feel no better than these thieves
I only find comfort in being with you, Valerie.
At that moment he cried and kicked himself for he felt he had been living a shallow life... He thought to himself that his father was a good man and that he probably wouldn't be proud of him...
The next day he did nothing but think and that's when he got shot by Eric. He had been trying to get hold of Valerie as they (Eric and Valerie) were in the country to celebrate Easter... Eric found out and because he despised him with a passion he got word out to the police but the police feared him so they had to use an intelligent strategy; Eric insisted that it be him who murders Warkos as he will have done his country a great honour. So he came as a paying customer at the tavern/bistro, all the other customers left, as well as the staff. Warkos was unmoved by this, as he was deep in thoughts. This became easy for Eric, never had anyone been murdered with such pleasure... It is documented that Warkos' last words, softly and lazily uttered, were: "Where's Tellaby?"
A heavy-hipped roll busts out of my skinny skin
I am too thin and thingish to keep being so mean
I walk hard, long in stride,
having feet clad with iron
and black Chelsea boots,
stomping on hearts, hard
Deep, rushed, I howl into the city's summer fog,
like a hound with no home, no master, of his own
with all the flourishes of my cursive jarring scrawl
I am too fucked up, I am too fucked up dude
too fucked up to go back home. Toast?
For now, life,
but I will be dead by morning
still I am alive, awake, and sharp as a tack,
I die then six o'clock in the goddamn-morning-after
sober as the screaming birds, and I will rise again.
So for now, while I still care and can,
dance with me drunkards, but don't call me baby.
for I am sweet and clean, but belong to nobody,
with the exception of my dear vain reflection.
Then I have to kiss somebody that makes me laugh.
I have to kiss them because I am very compelled,
to do so now. I need to kiss you.
Get in bed with me,
under the sheets,
but let's only sleep.
IN BED, CUDDLING, WHILE HIDING HARD THINGS, LIKE HOW I WANT TO KISS THEM
Okay, well maybe, makeout a little
but I swear I won't sleep with someone
as groovy as you because I like you
and want you to stay a little afterwards
but oh, look, here we are, goodness,
it's hard because it feels so fucking nice
when you, oh my neck and you, oh
why are your pants and socks still on!?
YOUR MOUTH TASTES LIKE ME AND YOU FEEL LIKE I WANT TO DO ALL THAT AGAIN
All rumpled and giggling, tousled hair, smiling
Kissing your back, holding you closely, sleepy.
Light a candle, stay, pray with me, in our way,
through smoke and soft chatter, light touches
spilling secrets into the scruff of your neck
where I've stained you purple with kisses
affection for the aficionados, I love them
the boys and girls, who kiss me hard, back.
please do not judge me
for loving people before
you, if I love them a little,
and if I do not love you all
maybe I love you,
maybe I love them.
probably I love neither of them.
probably I love their memories.
probably from what I once saw of them, all made up in my head, from that one time.
probably, even though it hurts a little to talk about it.
I would bet my life on the fact that I am over all the individuals I have kissed before.
I would just say that I am in love with their embellished, immortal, and unblemish selves.
I painted all these romantic scenes in my mind, with all the boys and girls in my brain,
where we'd be in bed, frittering the day away, talking and joking, kissing every so often, unexpectedly.
They would look pretty and I would look pretty, both naked and all freckled, flushed, with smooth skin, holding hands and telling stories of bullshit and bravado where they did some vandalism or something, and they'd be impressed with my tales too.
Then we'd just spend the day together making food and flirting, having sex in every way, and exploring each others bodies and listening to how everything we both say is endlessly fascinating.
My face would hurt from smiling, from how they'd make me smile, and from how happy I am from making them smile, and that they smile for me.
They would inspire me within every part of my being to not bullshit them, but to truly be kind, and love them unabashedly, and show them the best of me, and be the best for them.
I can't force that, though, it has to happen naturally.
I had that, I don't love anyone anymore but I had it when I loved them emphatically
with new and whole innocence that transcended everything I knew about everything.
because that was then,
this is now.
I miss them/that,
but I want you, here.
I want you to stay please stay
I will be yours, and care,
till the end of this minute.
Kissing them until they comply, please
a little while,
and I pray
that the sun will rise, again, on today
that we won't get too ugly when we're old,
that we will find somebody in the bed that is cold
that the sun will set in the east one day, that when we'll see it die,
that everything will be real quick and fast, and feel a little nothing.
repeat it repeat it repeat it repeat it
until I am scared and unless I am scared
and then until we're old and really that dead
until our youth is d-e-a-d,
we can steal the contents of our heads,
that wouldn't go down on the paper
like my hands wanted them too,
so very badly
we can curl up and we can sleep
and we can
get some rest in this
At 2 am my people wake
Out of single apartment tombs
They come shambling into artificial light
And they glow wearily
An open 24/7 sign blinking strife
Home to people drowned in booze
They laugh with a manic resolve
As memories suppressed surfaced
Reminding them of their wretched past
The devil's drink only sort of dulls
For nothing can loosen personal demon's grip
So we sip, guzzle, gulp liquid fire
The burning well deserved torture
Until our hands quiver and our vision blurs
Altering reality for our own escape
My shuffling zombie brethren
Let not shame tear thee from thine glass
For your fear to embrace the agony
That has latched firmly onto your heart
That was seeded in scorched earth
Is understood by this kindred, broken spirit
Come now and let us march down
This winding sidewalk sideshow
We are the drunkards
Those that escape into the bottle's bliss
We are forlorn
Running from despicable memories
At least until our bodies crumble
And we finally find our reprieve
In the void, and
happily turn to dust
Dolls and Damns
Drunkards and Drifts
Dimples and Darkess
Dank and Dreamy
I am trying to set free
I am so confused,
I grew up christian,
I knew we were all sinners.
We are all equal,
Drunkards, Smokers, Trans, Disabled, Murderers, Gays, Children, Sick, Bullies, Rich, Prostitutes.
Today we interpret words of a culture-book
Its words weren't wrong, but maybe the people who've explored the text are misguided.
I believe the bible can't be taken as the final verdict to our lives,
because we change, culture changes, life changes!
Maybe Jesus wanted us to explore the bible as an ongoing conversation
which begs us to join into the discussion.
Don't stand by,
The preaching of pastors or priests, just because they teach you.
Explore the bible,
See what the bible says,
Then make a decision,
Will you be apart of the conversation?
Life is too short to except a path of relativism,
We are both right,
"Agree to Disagree."
Find out what you believe and back it up and argue it!
That is the only way to find truth.
So maybe God does love
GAYS, LESBIANS, or TRANS.
Maybe he doesn't.
Come to that conclusion yourself,
and not through someone else.
I am Marmeladov
Perched as if I were a Father Clock
An ant crawling towards the jar of sugar
Stuck in a tear-drop of Honey
Perched at your window
Dream Catcher from vacation to Mexico
To City Country of bandits
Of hot sun
of desert skin
of guns heroin weed meth cocaine
Spanish women playing Spanish guitars
only 3 strings
only 5 fingers
only 1 eye
Gazing at Death
Her Depth of field altered by her one orange eye like lit cigarettes in a jail sell after lights out
a eulogy written in Violin strings
a graveyard of deceased mad men
we never fond Mozart's body
vanished in the sky like the pupils of a white crow
Anatomy of a violin:
Casted in glass
Molded by the moss stauteing over the side of your house
Sand and mud
Winter and old leather boots worn by a Vagabond searching the trees for proof
Sorrow Sorrow Sorrow
untouched lips of a woman
Wet cigarettes and wine and crooked eyes and a starving belly a Thirsty Mind
A lost canine:سلوقی, Saluki, Persian Greyhound, Royal Dog of Egypt
Sitting in a plastic wool cabin
the Mad artist
drinking molding Vodka
A lost Breed
The Proud drunkards writing hysterically on tenement rooftops of NYC
Rimbaud the Tenth of November 1891
The wonderers with peyote with whiskey with 'Kamel Reds' with Hope and Curiosity
Undress your symbolism
Your Strawberry Eyes that Grow on my walls and feet like Callus'
And like the Charcoal sketches performed By Death
just as the sky does
just as the Tree you climbed as it rained and you swallowed Lightning and Thunder
Yet the sky was dry of no rain
It is a drought
We pluck the roses eye lashes and
We climb into Brick studios and watch the Ballet dancer
as she shapes her bones into Sad New Orleans Trees
The door is locked
Not by bolt but
By the uncut fingernails and hair of wild vines
So we crawl through the side shingles
San Antonio lizards
dancing to the sigh of Beethoven's last sight
before a wisdom of blindness
swept over his brown eyes
She seems to be painted all black
Like the flight of a Crow
Or the color of Plums
I sing with the owls
I lay with the long road of infinity and its sadness
Out of oil
Out of Gasoline
Out of Food
so we lay around
Carving the paint off walls
like Van Gogh
I am hunched over a grave
The pond is frozen over
'Monumento a la Madre'
The rain casts a shadow
I cannot see past your face
Someone is listening
I seep into the peripheral of night
Write symphonies on stone
Lay with the weeds
digest the light of the moon
And as I follow the Southern Star home
Painted red whore houses
24/7 Whiskey Churches
So I Lay down the rifle
Have become drunken beasts
Is all I ever dreamed about
And the kids
I've always felt so
- out the window.
I'm a stranger
Rip Curl Pro Search
I'm a stranger
Looking into the store's window.
What is this store selling ?
Weed. Vodka. Love?
If he was here I think
You could draw
A circle around us
That could go on
This square -
So fucking transient
I can feel it burning.
This is all I ever dreamed of
I'm easy easy easy
You're fucking wild
& scared. It's OK.
So am I.
Your eyes - They're beautiful.
Like a wild animal peering
Out of a burning forest
I want to know
How this all connects
How does all of this
To my identity.
I am drunk.
I am this memory
And that memory
And memories of you
And it's all raining
Down on the bums & drunkards
On the outcasts & wanderers.
On the pigeon
Who lay dead
In the pummeling rain.
It's all bullshit out the window.
There is no truth, no nothing.
I'd rather stay
In the circle with you
About the point of life
& I want to say
Goddamn it kid
Dont you see.
There's no point in life.
All of this
The kisses & promises and jobs,
They lead to
Leads to nothing.
And all those people
Seeking the "meaning of life".
They are empty & vacuous
And to seek
The meaning of life
Is like looking for sparrows
In a murky swamp.
No matter how much you look
No matter how much you shift,
You will find nothing
Are sitting in the warm night's
Encased by soft smoke
(It's weird, it makes no sense, I know)
I thought Van Gogh had it figured out
he fell in love
and cut off his ear
he died july 29 1890 from a self inflicted gun shot wound
He painted the sky
He painted men women bedrooms flowers shoes street corners chairs boats and fields
I thought Basquiat had it figured out
He painted memories in the present
August 12 1988
NYC apartment heroin overdose
I thought Picasso
I thought Warhol
I thought Stalin
Had it figured out
but sand fills our shoes in dry texan sun
and the dog howls
howls for its mother
howls for its brother
howls for its sister
I thought the dog had it figured out
smelling my hands
eating the ham on the floor
I thought Hemingway had it figured out
Late at night
reading Old Man and The Sea
Suicide July 2 1961
12-gauge English shotgun
I thought Fitzgerald had it figured out
I thought Ginsberg
I thought Kerouac did too
drinking across the neck and back bone and gutter lips of America and back
I thought Bukowski had it figured out
the type writer
the sad nights accompanied by cockroaches and a city that is indigestible
I thought Phillip Glass had it figured out
Mozart lost in his grave
writing symphonies for Death and his cruel tripled eyed angels
The drunkards were lost
The Junkies were ankle-less
The Mothers were done for
The Fathers had given in
gazing through the bifocals of heaven and hell
The Prisoners cemented in Time
I thought the Dead
were the ones who published our Dreams
I thought the painter
had it figured out
So I painted
I thought the pianist
had it figured out
So I played the Piano
and listened to the bilingual codes of the keys
I thought the Ballet dancer
had it figured out
So I watched her
I studied the movements
and the bruised toes
looking for a design of an answer
I thought the Poet
had it figured out
So I wrote a poem
and I saw the world.
Assembling a bouquet of flowers on my path toward home,
an assortment of Hyacinth and Daffodil, Fern and Cherry Blossom
and some other flowery shit that I managed to conjure;
drunk, levee en masse du la fleur.
I felt pity in the bottom of my stomach
as I strode concrete turbulence across the road and
toward the McDonalds.
If I were a chicken it would have been
no wonder why I had
crossed the road
since I was a human being
my reasons, experiences, hair colour, blood alcohol content and steel-stomach absenteeism furled into a tightly wound knot-of-motif.
waiting to gain momentum.
Peering at the swaying, sobbing mob waiting impatiently
brazenly and vacantly
for their shot at luke-warm burger patty adorned with onion that looks like little baby teeth and cheese so processed it will never melt, I realized that
we both stood in ecstasy.
And I stood, swaying in the breeze as all good drunkards do, blankly and inquisitively; I began to wonder what it was that I was
Did I want to participate in mindless habitué? spend my money on
shit food that could
hardly be considered as such?
Stand in line, jaw hanging loose like a gorilla that had voluntarily dislocated his mandible so that he didn’t have to chew? wait for my shot at glory?
This is glory: the bars had all closed, and now there was no haven for the drunk pricks to congregate better than the local gut-fill station.
I took one final look at my squandered comrades, brains scrambled, disgusting.
I hate you fuckers, goddamn it I hate you all.
By the tree
a copper smacks a drunkards legs away
from behind him
as he walks home
oooze me adrenalin
pick hornet faults
and you have honey combs
choose an action
that leaves you alive
the media forgets
like a humming bird forgets
with wings that cut its own paper
in the back of your knee
surrounding human crime
where without streets
we still smell it.