Since we parted Ive been a mess..
No one else can see it except myself..
They all hate you...
For some reason i don't mind you...
I had tried everything to forget you
I eventually just gave up
Its like you put yourself there purposely for me to never forget..
I don't know why things happened this way
We never had bad problems till that last day..
The last day we were together you broke everything..
My trust in you, hope for us, happiness for us, and my heart..
If you cared in the first place you wouldn't have done that..
Yet you still try to talk as if none of it ever happened..
I don't know how you can do that..
You stopped all the drugs you were doing back in those days..
Sometimes i think of how happy we used to be...
I wish we still had that little sparkle in our eyes
The look of excitement every time we would see each other ..
I will be seeing you shortly for the first time in about 5 months..
We will see where that leads..
Everyone's telling me don't meet up with you
Truth is...i want to be in your arms again...
I would feel no fear with you
You are trying to prove yourself to me
I am willing to accept you back in my life again
There is no love stronger than our forbidden love...
Look at the thirty-three.
Nine years ago
in the junior school hall
and now how many miles
between you, and you
bananas on our faces,
eleven, maybe twelve
with collars all tidy
and jumpers tucked in.
We grew up too fast.
A few have kids
where we once did.
But this one's at Park
and I walk an Avenue.
This one has tattoos
and this one had drugs.
And you, third row,
well you moved abroad.
I'll bet ten bucks
you don't 'remember when?'
If I saw her, him now
what would I say?
Perhaps a light hello
or not one word.
They have far different leaves
on their trees.
Near a decade later,
the photo back on my shelf.
Here's to you,
what we were
grabbed our hand.
Explanation: A poem written in my own time about a photograph of my Year Six (2003-04) group at school. This piece, partially inspired by Ted Hughes's poem 'Six Young Men', may be part of my third-year university dissertation regarding Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes.
Staying up until dawn
Out star gazing on the roof
Talking about what life had in store for us
Talking about things that have no proof
We'll never know
How we're going to die
But there's beauty in not knowing
When you have someone by your side
I remember the nights we would
Reminicing on the past
All the things we had to leave behind
Or the nights when we'd get drunk
And have the best time of our lives
Went swimming naked in the creek
At three in the morning
Went down bad paths
Without any warning
Or those nights we'd take baths
In my parents room
Chain smoking all night
We were like flowers in bloom
Or the nights when we'd blaze
And eat and laugh
Dream about the future
Make jokes about the past
Or the nights when we'd talk about
Our fucked up family
We'd talk about how we'll never do what they've done
And You always had faith in me
The days spent out by the pool
The days we just spent sleeping
The memories that we shared
I'd always keep them
We've seen the same things
We've seen the pain heartaches brings
We've seen what most people never should
We've both been fucked up on drugs
We've both been clean
We've both been happy
We've both been sad
We've both done what is right
We've both done what is bad
I don't know what I'd do
You saved me from myself
And I never even knew
But my eyes are open
And I could never thank you enough
You are everything
Anyone could want
"Hey loverboy," she says. I don't respond.
A rough draft excerpt from my story, Fictional Truth.
“Hey loverboy,” she says. I don’t respond. I enjoy ignoring her for a moment after I come out of a day dream.
“Hey. Jake. Snap out of it boy. Time to come back to earth,” she says with her usual tone of pleased annoyance. This time I leave the world inside my head and return to reality. Slowly turning my head to the right, I can see those deep blue eyes gazing up. I never get tired of her eyes.
“Come on, you said you’d help me here.”
“Sorry,” I say with a half grin and my best attempt at contrition. I look down to the papers in her lap. Right, math. I was helping her with calculus. She was really very good at math. We were in the same class, but she was two years younger than me after skipping two grades in elementary school.
“This one you just take the derivative of your function and plug in these two values.” I can remember these things effortlessly now, which was a huge accomplishment for someone who doesn’t particularly like math.
“See, this is why I keep you around,” she says, those rosy lips that I so adored pulled into a little smirk. She reaches up and kisses me. She always seems to find an excuse to kiss me. “You can go back to daydreaming now.” Indeed I do, retreating back to the dreamscape inside my head. This time I think back to when I met Clara.
I had just arrived on campus, a bright eyed college freshman. There I was, lost in a sea of more beautiful women than I had ever seen in my life. Small private schools had never been kind to me in that regard. Everything on campus was a wonder. Nobody from my high school had come here and I was very much alone, but I didn’t mind. I had outgrown most of my high school friends long ago. It was long past time for me to expand my horizons.
I found myself standing in front of a massive glass building. I wasn’t past checking my reflection in the glass windows. Had to make sure my hair still looked as good as it did when I arrived. Who knew when I might run into some attractive young lady? Opening the doors I caught a waft of the bookstore smell, unlike anything I expected. At home the bookstores were small, with dusty leather covers that begged to be handled and old people that smelled like coffee. This was completely different. The odor of panicked freshman and newly bound textbooks permeated the air. I decided right then I wouldn’t be spending much time there.
There was a long line extending towards the back of the building. Not knowing better, I assumed it was the line I was supposed to be in and slowly made my way to the rear. This would take forever. I pulled out my phone and started on another game of Angry Birds. I had been killing evil pigs for almost five minutes when I began to feel like I was being watched. Sure enough I glanced up to see a large pair of deep blue eyes looking at me.
“You know, some psychologists say that technology is making us less social,” said the girl looking up at me. I couldn’t respond. She had straight black hair pulled behind her in a long ponytail. She had a small, perfectly formed nose with what seemed like a sea of freckles on it. Even more freckles danced on her cheeks. She was several inches shorter than me, maybe 5’9” and had on tight jean shorts and a black tank top that exposed only the most tantalizing amount of cleavage.
“So I’m just starting to feel a little uncomfortable with you undressing me with your eyes like that,” she said with the smirk on her face that I would soon come to know.
“Sorry,” I said, a tiny grin tugging at the corner of my mouth, “You surprised me a bit.”
“I’m Clara. This is the point in conversation where you tell me your name.” I liked her already. She had confidence and wit that was both abrasive and attractive.
“I’m Jake, pleased to meet you.” Damn I was smooth. Almost as smooth as a wagon over rocks. “Are you a freshman too?”
“Yep. Just got here. I don’t think this line is moving.” I really liked the way little dimples appeared at the corners of her mouth even when she frowned slightly.
“It really doesn’t seem to be. At least I have pleasant company,” I said. Oh man I was so smooth! I was really proud of myself right there. It was hard flirting with such a beautiful girl. She seemed to throw me off balance.
“Well, that was the least offensive flirting I've heard all day,” she replied. Good gosh this girl was straightforward. “It’s a good thing you’re cute or I might not have accepted that.” Cute. Okay, I could work with cute. “So you’re in psychology 1000?” she asked.
“Nope, I took that during high school.” I replied. Why would she ask that?
“Well, you’re standing in the psychology book pickup line.” She said with a slightly puzzled look on her face. I definitely was not in psychology.
“Oh, Psychology! I, uh, I thought you said, uh, philanthropy. Nope, I’m definitely in the right line." Okay, that was a lie and I was at least 100% sure philanthropy was not a class. But hey, I was under pressure and I needed an excuse to keep talking to this girl. She looked at me like I was slightly on drugs but moved on without hesitation.
We talked about various meaningless things while the line crept closer to the back of the store. I was constantly mesmerized by the deep blue in her eyes. I had always been attracted to blue eyes for some reason. When we got to the pickup window, she paid for her book and stepped to the side, watching me. I decided to bow out of buying a several hundred dollar book just so I didn't look like a complete idiot. I comforted myself with the fact that she might think it was funny.
“Soooo. I’m not really in philanthropy. Or psychology. I just didn't want to stop talking to you just yet.” I said with a sheepish grin. Luckily for me, she laughed right there.
“Alright then Mr. Jake, what books do you really need? Maybe we can go stand in line again.” I listed off several books that I needed for classes.
“Calculus. I need that one as well. Come on silly.” She turned her back and started walking. I followed right on her heels, a goofy grin plastered all over my face.
That was my first interaction with Clara. We spent the next two hours gathering all of our books, and at the end I carried her rather large pile back to her dorm room. I was promptly rewarded with her phone number and some cookies that her mom had packed. Normally I’m very pleased by cookies, but the phone number was worth so much more.
“Hey. What about this one?” Clara’s voice comes from beside me. I lean over to look at the paper again.
“This time just take the antiderivative of cosine and solve for x.”
“Oh right. That's the last one.”
“What do you want to do now?” I ask.
“How about we go to your room and see if we can make your roommate uncomfortable enough to leave?” She says with a mischievous grin, bringing those deep blue eyes nearer to mine. She always seems to find an excuse to kiss me.
Capone in a cell
Vonnie in a casket
I ripped my heart out
and I put it in a basket.
Feelings no attachments
in this cold world.
Always watch my six
Fellas protect your girls.
Always love your mother
in her womb you were curled
through her canal you were birthed,
So know a woman's worth.
Stay alert in a city
where the vices can be tempting
Fast money, drugs, sex
and evil women.
It's full of snakes and villains,
plotting on the children,
while claiming they are Christian.
There's always something missing
skeptics discredit religion,
I write what's on my mind
to escape this mental prison.
Better grab some while you can.
Remember when you said "no, you ain't my man?"
Years from now you'll be alone,
and I'll be writing novels, my talent full grown.
A single tear from your eye will fall,
but don't even bother wasting time making a call.
You made a decision, now you gotta live by it,
and they'll be paying me to speak, tv and shit.
Someday, your boyfriend will by a book,
he'll read you one line from it and you'll know its me without even a look.
You have a man, he's on your arm,
when you see my name on the shelves, I'll be long gone.
You'll realize what you had,
but you threw it all away, you must've been mad.
Someday, you'll see that it's all true,
no need to debate, I'm the best at what I do.
You might be thinking "damn, this boy's arrogant"
but you gotta fake it 'till you make it and then a little more.
But for now, I'll sell my shit to buy drugs
and when I'm all out of shit I'll start stealing
and when I've stolen everything, I'll start earn it.
And when I've earned the highest accolades
I'll just smile
because I told you so,
and you told him he was the one.
Someday you'll cry because there won't be a sunrise,
and you'll realize the mistake you've made.
I may be a loser junkie right now,
but the next bump will be last
just like the one I blew five minutes ago
just like the first time I ever tried it a high school bathroom
just like every bump in between.
The rabbit and the hole.
Like puzzle pieces left out in the rain.
Ex-communication leads to excommunication.
This is your brain on drugs.
suck the marrow dry.
the offer a pause,
as though we had ever begun to play.
Like a claustrophobic masochist,
leasing out a shoebox.
I want in for good.
I want out for life.
Lets play hide,
all the seekers are dead.
When time is of the essence,
I await your overdue presence.
When you're not here, I'm so alone,
bitch, how could you lose your phone.
I hate not knowing where you are,
tonight I'm gonna make your pussy purr.
You borrow my car and I get scared,
I've already had it twice repaired.
Your beauty is unmatched,
no other couple is more attached.
When you moved in, I was nervous,
to any kind of pain, we are impervious.
All massages have a happy ending,
on Twitter, our love is now trending.
You love to cook, I love to clean,
I'm always nice, you're always mean.
You were a stripper when we first met,
I was very rich and you were in debt.
I bailed you out from your jam,
now I'm in trouble with Uncle Sam.
We are broke, but we have each other,
soon we'll be out from this cloud cover.
Maybe it's time to go back stripping,
even though my eyes will be dripping.
For a second job, I'll sell drugs,
I know plenty of scum and thugs.
Now our life is back on track,
we will always have each others back.
Now you got a new phone and a car,
then you ran off with an upcoming rock star.
That's the story of my life,
so I stabbed that whore with my knife.
To all my friends you’re all gonna die,
and I’ll be stuck never wondering why
I ain't sad. I’m more so upset
it was such a selfish manner in which all of you left
I talked to God, he saved you some grace
not to count up all the time that you wasted
You cheated death and that’s okay,
but according to his watch you were already late
To question God is to question my faith,
but Heaven seems like such a questionable place (it is)
But while I’m here I know I’m alive,
and it hurts me to know that you’re all gonna die
To all my friends you've already died
and I am stuck wondering why
See I ain't mad, and I ain't upset,
because I’m the closest thing to sainthood you never will get
I talked to God, he saved you a place,
a spot too far for you to spit in his face because
I never asked for you to believe
I just asked for you to say ‘goodbye’, before you leave
I hate say, ‘I told you so’
‘I told you so’
Our memories at discount rates
still we can’t afford it
I believe in something so I hope you’re going somewhere
To all my friends who’d rather get high
I’ll be at ground level watching you die
Fuck drugs and fuck straight edge
those are both the things that got the best of my friends
And to all the girls that make it a trend
to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck all of my friends
We’ll all die of the same disease
whether you got it in bed, or you got it on your knees
Can’t wait to say, ‘I told you so’
I told you so
The boulder on my back has been washed away
the worst part is, I don’t miss the weight
The tide is high and they’re washing face
within the sea of time pissed away
The boulder on my back has been washed away
the worst part is I don’t miss the weight
When the tide is high I’ll watch them sink
into the sea of misery
To all my friends this is the end
I’ll leave you six feet under with those shit eating grins
To all my friends this is the end
and this is way more important than that bullshit with Ben
To all my friends who’d rather be dead
I refuse to let you leave without this song in your head
All our memories, all at discount rates
I'm loved by a great man,
And he is mine and only mine.
I am very smart,
And I am aware of it.
Don't even think of crossing me.
My eyes burn holes
In those who won't
Give me what I want.
But I'll never be happy.
I'm a martyr,
And a patron saint.
I've been used and thrown away.
My first girlfriend tried to die,
And it was all my fault.
Everyone knew it.
My virginity was stolen
On a pool table at 1 am.
I lost the child I created
With the love of my life.
I knew every swear I know now
At the age of three.
I don't know who's hit me harder.
I'll never let go.
I'm a martyr.
I'll be a patron saint.
"Broken and lame.