I am in quite a dilemma
and it is all my fault

I fear that you avoid me
and I continue my assault

I hope I didn't cause trouble
in my foolish hopes for you

I blame me and only me
and you should blame me too

The first time I stepped into school,
Admiring that beautiful wall of fame.
Carved in gold were so many names,
Dated back from decades ago.

Each year has a different name,
Each name part of history.
Shining bright under the light,
Too prestigious and too rare.

I told myself what if I could
See my name etched on the wall,
Nothing else can sweep it away,
Nothing else can wash it away.

But this dream of mine is dashed,
Thrown into the deepest sea,
Crushed almost for eternity,
Something I can never be.

I can't measure how much I've done,
Working so hard to get a step closer.
Each time I think I'm almost there,
I'm actually disillusioned,
I'm going nowhere.

From here I have two paths to go,
One to chase and persist on my goal,
Or I could simply accept my fate,
Give it a try,
Open my mind.
Perhaps that's where I'm meant to be.

My minds says one thing,
But my heart says another,
I hate these moments,
They're my greatest bother.

Is my life a book written my God?
Do all things happen for a reason,
Because that's how my fate was destined?
I wish I could know all the answers,
But I guess some things are secrets for our lifetime.

I wonder if I should go chase my dreams,
Be brave,
Be bold,
Be ridiculed at.

What if I grow to love my fate,
Loving,
Sharing,
Caring for others.

Is this the place that's meant for me?
I don't know the answer,
And I'll never know.

But how about the names in gold
And everything that seemed perfect to me?
To go forth and chase my dreams,
Or to just accept
My fate?

People tell me that I have
pretty eyes
they say they are
beautiful.
Honestly i don't like them
I find them weird
and of an odd shape.
I hate how they just LOOK, and not SEE.
I hate how they don't notice things.
I hate how I overlook things that have happened.
I'm not good at noticing stuff that happen to the people around me.

Sometimes they even show the painful emotions that
I don't want anyone to know that they actually exist.


People say I have a sweet smile.
I hate how my chin protrudes out when I smile
I hate how my jaw looks
I hate it


And I hate how it hides away the painful emotions.

You see,
my eyes and my smile contradicts.
because that's how I feel
right here
right now.
Contradiction.
Dilemma.
Doubt.
I actually don't understand my emotions.
I don't understand why I feel certain ways sometimes.
But sometimes, sometimes is always.

Your eyes.
They take my words away.
I become mute, i cannot speak a word in your presence.

Because there are just not enough words to describe how you turn my whole body into a feather.
How you make me float.
And how when you leave, i come crashing down on my face with reality hitting me.

The reality is..
I cannot and could not be with you.
The reality is..
I cannot hold you the way you should be held.
I could not love you the way you should be loved.

And so I keep loving you from a distance. Float and crash every time you pass by
Keep my heart steady so it wont explode from the desire, wants, and needs.
And if you ever ask me why i don’t speak, i would tell you its because I’m in the clouds.

But this one way love is the worst kind of love, and thats why from now on i’ll try to keep my feet on the ground every time you pass by.
Let my heart and brain fight as they always do.
With the heart saying yes, and the brain saying no.
While I’m secretly rooting for my brain to win ..
I’m secretly whispering for my heart to win.
Constant dilemma.

But know that if i ever let you go

it means i’d be letting go of my inspiration and my muse.

Perplexed and amazed… and maybe it’s my fault
Probably my fault even…
that it doesn’t appear  to occur to some folks
that there is even a possibility
that I am really NOT thinking about them…
or worrying why
Someone is crying or mad or why the ‘tude
Or if they are hungry or rested or had a fight
Or what they plan to do about their latest dilemma…
Hell… Today… I don’t even need to know the good news…  
Sometimes I've just got things on my mind…  
Like
Who’s gonna do my next pedicure… or
What will be the outcome of this next test… and
today is the anniversary of my mother’s last breath… or how
I wish he was here to kiss my neck… cuz
I do love the way he kisses my neck… and I
Wonder if there is any of that fried fish left…
Ya see…  today I just do not care
What’s going on in their world… cuz I choose... today...
To be about my world and the sound of my own heartbeat… and
I think that I plan to have more of these “about me days” and I don’t
give a damn who doesn’t get it… or feels put upon cuz
It shows that I’m disconnected…
Cuz everybody on this whole spinning rock is so into just themselves
and if I’m into you…  and you into you… then who's into me…?
and perhaps I’m breaking some cardinal rule
by determining at this late date to be
About my own personal thoughts… but I’ma build this mental wall
to protect them from intruders… cuz it is what it is…  and I don’t even feel like explaining that
Sometimes I’ve just got things on my mind…

They say that home is where the heart is
But also that there's no place like home
If you don't know where yout heart lies
The how can you ever feel at home
There is no sense of peace in a place
If your heart and mind are wandering
To calm a heart requires a home
To make a home requires a calm heart
The prisoner's dilemma, a contradiction of sorts
Once lost, never found
Life without a home, a home without a heart
Life with no heart is no more
Lost at the start, sent to the end
The final ground for the lost
Is that of death, no heart, no home
No home, no heart
To place at all in life to start
Without a start there is no end
But we all end up somewhere
Need a heart, find a home
Hope for life, wish for death

A man has a dilemma take his mistake and fess up or be secretive

the fear of  losing that one person lingers but sometimes you gotta do something for yourself

the guilt he feels for trying to be alone because life is not what it used to be.

you see my choice is  you can have that one person but  there's a risk some times that risk ain't worth it

I may not know the future
but hope not its a bizarre
I may have rescued myself
But things still are baffle
M lost in words of dilemma
Maybe true story
M done being glorious
No more analogous
Too much to peek in my shadow
And peer through my skin
But now the time has come
To be sage
And not think under others wage
To be ingenuous with myself
To seize the yen
And go for zenith
But in my comfort
Not in others thought!